I Will Survive

I was watching a video my daughter-in-law made of my youngest granddaughter on Facebook just now. She is trying so hard to say mama and Dada, but squeals of delight come out of her mouth and her smile is so big.

All of a sudden I felt wet tears stroll down my cheeks. I realized that I will struggle to hold the new babies in the family when I see them next. I was already having issues holding the second youngest grandson before I left my home town.

I tried to blame it on the fact that little E. is such a big boy, but the truth is, each week I get a little less stable. It doesn’t take much walking for my entire leg muscles to start quivering inside and the next thing they do is make me feel like I am going to fall.

Picking up little ones and trying to hold them is not going to be safe for them nor me. I will have to go back to the way we let young children hold their baby siblings; on their laps.

I hate it. I am not feeling sorry for myself. I have lots of life still in me, but I can’t deny that things are changing for me. It makes me cry to think that one day I may become a problem to my family.

I never want this Parkinson’s to get to the place I can’t take care of myself. I don’t want to believe that my children are pondering on what to do with mom. I always joked when the topic of getting old came up before, stating that people could just toss my ass in a nursing home.

After being so closely involved with Al’s care those six months in the nursing home, I don’t wish it on me or anyone else in this world. I know, nursing homes are a blessing to some, but for me, I see it as an end of life. A way of marking off the calendar of how many days I have left to live.

Sounds stupid and sad doesn’t it? I guess I have been working in nursing homes way too long. There are good ones but there are many bad ones. The care can be adequate and state approved, or if you have an abundance of funds, you can get a top-notch one.

No matter what, I don’t want to dwell on the what ifs, but when I see the little ones in my family, I know that there are many years between them and me. I can’t complain about anything.

I have great kids. I had a great marriage at one time. I have a roof over my head and food on the table. I just don’t want to stop yet. I am not ready to deal with anything that may slow me down.

There is so much life out there to live yet. Books to write, words to say, photos to take. I will continue to move forward as long as God allows me to, I will survive.