Can you believe that it has been seven months since Al died? I know I can’t. Life goes round just like a merry-go-round. People don’t forget Al, but life throws more issues that seem to pile up and months slip by.
I was thinking of him so much today. Last year at this time we were struggling so bad with Al getting up and getting dressed and ready to get on the bus to take him to Day Care.
The Christmas tree was up and lit but he didn’t care. My heart has been hurting so bad today for missing him. This coming Halloween will be one year since Al last went to Day Care. He told me he was just too tired to go anymore. From that day forth he became bedridden.
I suppose I am acting normal; probably like anyone else who has lost a loved one. I see myself acting out the days starting now and I wonder if I will continue until his first anniversary passing.
I have a small video that I have kept tucked away. I played it today. Although it is only 20 seconds long, I wanted to feel the pain. Does that make any sense? I needed and longed to feel him near me.
I never wanted to lose him. I needed to cry today, so this is why I played the video. Hearing his voice is so important to me. I can’t hear my mother’s voice anymore. She has been gone 14 years. I have to strain to hear my father’s voice and he has been gone 8 years this December. I didn’t want to lose Al’s voice.
On the video I am not even sure he knew I was recording him. I went in to check on him and he was talking to God. The video plays only the words of, God take me home over and over. Oh buddy, I am so glad you got your answer. You are home, safe and free of pain. You fly with golden wings for being so strong and fighting MSA until the very end.
I miss you so much. I may not see the illness in my new home, but I can see and hear your voice. Tonight, I feel so terribly alone. How can the world keep moving when I have days when I am standing still, looking over his bed, and knowing his soul had risen to the heavens.