Oh How I Miss You So Today

Can you believe that it has been seven months since Al died? I know I can’t. Life goes round just like a merry-go-round. People don’t forget Al, but life throws more issues that seem to pile up and months slip by.

I was thinking of him so much today. Last year at this time we were struggling so bad with Al getting up and getting dressed and ready to get on the bus to take him to Day Care.

The Christmas tree was up and lit but he didn’t care. My heart has been hurting so bad today for missing him. This coming Halloween will be one year since Al last went to Day Care. He told me he was just too tired to go anymore. From that day forth he became bedridden.

I suppose I am acting normal; probably like anyone else who has lost a loved one. I see myself acting out the days starting now and I wonder if I will continue until his first anniversary passing.

I have a small video that I have kept tucked away. I played it today. Although it is only 20 seconds long, I wanted to feel the pain. Does that make any sense? I needed and longed to feel him near me.

I never wanted to lose him. I needed to cry today, so this is why I played the video. Hearing his voice is so important to me. I can’t hear my mother’s voice anymore. She has been gone 14 years. I have to strain to  hear my father’s voice and he has been gone 8 years this December. I didn’t want to lose Al’s voice.

On the video I am not even sure he knew I was recording him. I went in to check on him and he was talking to God. The video plays only the words of, God take me home over and over. Oh buddy, I am so glad you got your answer. You are home, safe and free of pain. You fly with golden wings for being so strong and fighting MSA until the very end.

I miss you so much. I may not see the illness in my new home, but I can see and hear your voice. Tonight, I feel so terribly alone. How can the world keep moving when I have days when I am standing still, looking over his bed, and knowing his soul had risen to the heavens.

I miss you so much it hurts. I will see you soon dear brother. I will see you soon. Love you bud.book 2shoes 2Al's funeral 6

20 thoughts on “Oh How I Miss You So Today

  1. Hugs, dear one! And yes, what you describe is absolutely normal! The Bible talks about memorials–the monuments (both real and in our hearts) that we erect to remember. That’s what you are doing. I was just sharing at church last week that October 17 was my dad’s birthday and this December it will be 20 years since he died. It changes but doesn’t go away…and in that, rest assured that Al never goes away.


    • I will never forget him. I miss him so much still. I’m sorry you have felt loss also. I have a strong feeling that the holidays are going to be rough. Hugs dear friend


    • It is getting better, this is just a rough period I think because this is when we started losing Al to bed rest, loss of interests, and major struggles in movement, seeing and everything else. thanks so much dear friend


  2. Hi Terry-
    Thinking of you & had to stop by.
    Your feelings are all normal & part of your personal grieving process.
    Do what you need to do to help you get through your loss of Al here in the physical world.
    Even as time keeps passing on – you will have these sort of days. Why? Because he is a huge part of you & your life.
    Here is something I wrote when he passed away.
    Hope that it helps in your healing process.
    I posted a poem for my brother just last week. He’s been gone for 12 years.

    Take it one day at a time.
    That’s all you can do.


  3. It is so good for you to be able to write your grief, Terry. It has been ONLY seven months. Don’t forget that grieving is a process, not an event. Keep writing it out. It helps you.


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