Maybe if I Let My Brain Write


This is my brain talking, so sometimes what comes from my typing doesn’t make sense. I decided to take my restlessness the past couple of days and write it down to try to cypher what the missing puzzle pieces are.

After the initial shock wore off and months have gone by since my brother’s passing; I feel lost or maybe I feel I have no purpose any longer. I laid in bed last evening so restless, unable to slow my brain down.

I was wishing and worrying about life. The more I told myself worrying bears no fruit, the more I worried. I worried about some big financial problems that are going to be facing me straight on today.

I wished I had a partner in my life so money didn’t weigh so heavily on my chest. I felt so alone last night. I was thinking about how many people I do not know in this small town; but also realized that the only contact I make with the living are my family and elderly people I take care of.

I hate it that when it comes time to go to work, I want to run the other way. So many times since Al passed, I want to mentally vomit, when it is time to take care of yet another human that can’t do it for themselves. The next thing I do is kick myself mentally for thinking that way. It is not the patient’s fault they need help.

I have seen my blog go down steadily, and yet pick-up new followers. This is probably due to trying out the waters in other areas of writing. Yet on the other hand, sometimes I feel something nagging at me to give it up. It feels like someone is telling me I served the purpose of writing while Al was here, now let it rest; he is gone.

I think I feel lost in life. I feel that no one really knows me but my family. I wanted to teach about MSA but have never seen a door of opportunity open for that. A part of me hates me for thinking I have to be noticed, and once again I give that up to my upbringing as a child.

I spent days, weeks and many months trying to prove to my family that I was worthy of a good comment, or a pat on the back. Here, once again, I am searching for something again. It is ridiculous when I think about it. I don’t need any acknowledgment, God made me the way he wanted.

And yet, here I sit, feeling lost. How can someone at 60 years old feel lost? It is the purpose, that drives me insane. I have no purpose. I exist. I work some hours per week. I hate it that I can’t work more due to my Diabetes, and yet I buck at the idea when it is time to go to work.

I work at trying to search for a job. I pray about it, that a job that is good for me shows itself. I tidy up the house. I check the mailbox each day and pay the bills when they arrive. How much fun is that?

Is life supposed to be fun? Well at times I believe it is. Sometimes I can picture myself sitting here in front of the TV, waiting for nothing. That is a morbid thought and I don’t like it.

Well I let my brain get those thoughts out and yet I find no peace in what I wrote. I don’t know what the problem is, I just know there is a problem.

me today

23 thoughts on “Maybe if I Let My Brain Write

  1. Well, as you see worrying does not help, and just sitting there either. You are in a new town to explore. Check out all the coffee houses, find clubs you like, join a Pilates class or Gymnastic for over 50s, I am sure there is stuff there, ask Mr Google. That is the way to enjoy life and you meet people. Chat in the coffee shop…. I just discovered a new one in my suburb, young french owner and it is lovely we had a great chat and I will certainly come again. I will drag all my friends there too, you would like it too, it is made like a 50’s front room, so sweet. I would love to take you there….

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    • Maybe there is something to do here that doesn’t cost. There is a gym, but it costs. I haven’t seen any coffee houses, but that doesn’t mean there is not one. I will do some serious searching once my teeth are done and healed

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  2. I retired from paid work when I was 60. Apart from a few months when I was caring for my darling mom, at the end of her life, I had worked non stop from 15 years old, when she died I found another job quite easily, and worked on for 7 years, found keeping house, paid work and voluntary unpaid work all at the same time, daunting to say the least, but really gave up my job because my church had no priest, and no one really to take on several exacting roles requiring knowledge and skills beyond most of the elderly congregation .. Basically I suppose I exchanged full time paid work for unpaid work. I did find money tight at times, still do but I find that somehow I always have enough for what I need.. I think there is a job for you Terry, you just haven’t come across it yet. Ute has some good advice for you if you can why not find groups to join, I don’t suppose that they all have to have a big joining fees or subs. Chats with friends are precious, making new ones an adventure in its own way. Writing, well you write well, I have seen stories on your blog which do you credit, you are good at character profiling, so maybe let making new friends take your mind away from money worries… Sure things will come right, I do know how you feel, I pay my energy bills and say, thank you Lord, I had the money, this time, and somehow I always have it the next time too. Love you a Terry xx

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    • Thank you dear friend. I look around this small town and I found one gym but it cost. I wanted to go to church on Sundays but I work 12 hours on Saturday nights. The devil does his job well right? I pray for a job and hope to still make friends here. I haven’t given up hope on me, but I don’t know if I am going in the right direction either

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  3. Everything you have written and shared on your blog and via email has been like a personal gift to me, and to so many others, Terry. I am in awe of your honest sincerity in your struggles and joys and poetry and the fact that even though Al is now in heaven I felt as if I knew him. Just want you to know how much I love and admire you and thank you for your support of me. Juliexxx

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    • Thank you Julie. Somehow after Al passed, I lost my way. I feel like time stands still and yet I move among it. Sometimes I feel like my writing has gone dead and maybe I should stop, but then I know I have some friends out there who read it , like you. I have a few friends that I am very close to, including you, that I have never met, but feel like I am a part of their life. For this, I am grateful for writing. I pray a perfect job shows up for me and when it does, I recognize the opportunity. Love and hugs

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  4. change is so hard Terry!… and you definitely have had that!…try to settle into your surroundings a little and enjoy your daughter and family…your new home…and your new surroundings…You will become a part of this town…and meet people that will become friends soon I believe…

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  5. Terry, grief takes time to process and we need to re-learn how to live our lives once again. You have had so many changes in your life over the past few months and your mind is trying to catch up with it all.
    Be kind to yourself. Nurture your spirit and in time you will find just where you need to be in the world.
    Blessings to you right now.

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  6. Terry, I’m reading this over a month after you posted. I’m hoping you’re doing a little better. Don’t forget, you’re still grieving. This is a hard year, and next year will be just a little bit better. It takes time, patience. Keep writing. It helps you. And I like reading it 🙂

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