Existing Is Never Quite Enough


Last evening I was having a hard time sleeping. I finally fell asleep around 1am. At 4am, I woke up. I went to the bathroom and laid back down to go to sleep; but sleep didn’t happen.

Instead, I immediately went into a head spin of thoughts. Thoughts that had been building up from so many things these past several months. I was thinking about my teeth that are going to be pulled in one week. I thought about my family here and how I miss seeing them. I thought about how much I still miss my brother, Al.

Thoughts to my kids and grandkids, my best friend back home all came rushing in around me like giant waves from a hurricane. My chest started to feel tight. A warm then hot feeling engulfed me.

My legs felt warm and my feet and hands became instant ice. I got up because I have had experience in this area and went to the bathroom. I soaked a washcloth in very cold water. I placed it on my face and the back of my neck.

I went back to bed and wrestled with my thoughts. I tried the arguing with my body thoughts and my brain thoughts. I was desperate to settle down and rid myself of this panic attack.

Finally to no avail, I sought my Bible. Maybe I should have done this first thing, but I  have always been the type of person who is considered by others a survivor, so God is the last person I go to when I finally realize I can not do it myself.

I sat there in bed squeezing that Bible like I was holding the handles on 250 pound bar bells. I started talking to God. I have no idea what I said because this many hours later I do not remember. It seemed, in no time, I started feeling my body relax. The tightness and the heat cooled down. I was able to go to sleep.

I hate these panic attacks. I have not had one since Al was still here. I know that with no one to talk to face to face, I tend to build up my thoughts and my brain goes off spinning like a kids toy top.

I hate it when I feel out of control. I don’t like it when I seek but find no answers. I do remember thinking  how thankful I was last night that I have a home with heat; that I am not homeless. I remember thanking God that I am able to purchase groceries and pay my bills.

What I don’t like is the darkness at the end of the tunnel. I get so little help from my disability, and I can work very few hours per month in order not to lose my disability, that I see nothing down the road. I worry about what happens when I don’t have the money to buy groceries, or pay the bigger heat bills.

It is so stupid when I am sitting here in the daylight. I know and Ute reminds me, worrying is useless. I still feel the after effects from my panic attack last night. I don’t like it and I need to move past it. Life could be so much worse, and maybe I remember when it was.

I remember being homeless and wondering where my next meal was or where I was going to rest my head at night. I was so dependent on everyone else for my next minute. I never want to go back to that again and I think I feel myself in a position that this could happen.

My parents would be so disappointed in me. They would believe that at sixty years old, I would have my own home, money in the bank, a nice retirement to fall back on. Sometimes I am glad they are not here to see the ways of my life now.

I was hoping that by writing this I would relax even more, but I still feel tight muscles. I just know that God helped me make it through the night and I need to see some tiny light at the end of the tunnel. I need something positive to happen in my life. I need to feel worthy. Existing is never enough to keep moving forward.

16 thoughts on “Existing Is Never Quite Enough

      • I understand. Please don’t think about this. If you stay with your daughter, you can think that you are helping her to save her transport costs to visit you. Stay together keeps the house bills lower. My parents stay with me. So everyday I can go to their rooms.

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    • Thank you so much Christy. I don’t understand why I don’t sense him lately. I am praying so hard for a job fit for my disability and better days. Big hugs to you my friend

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  1. I so wish I had a magic wand…or the perfect words to make it all better…but, alas…I don’t!…but, I do have faith in you to be strong enough to get through these tough times…I do believe we worry far too much…Life seems to go right on doing it’s thing …without asking our input…I do rest my thoughts that I have no answers for…in the hands of God…asking Him to just keep me close…and lead me …Best to you Terry…

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  2. Sometimes it feels as if we can’t escape from the thoughts of our minds Terry but we can tame it to behave itself. Have you thought about having an affirmation that you can say to yourself at these times. Something such as “I am strong and resilient. I am loving and kind. I am able to overcome whatever comes my way.”
    And to be honest, I think your parents would be so proud of you for what you have achieved. Owning your own home or having lots of money in the bank isn’t a true measure of life success. Loving others and being loved in return is what truly counts and I believe you are achieving success each day. ❤ ❤

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  3. unfortunately only you can change the way you feel about yourself. you have gone through so many changes recently it is no wonder that you are having panic attacks! just look at the stressors you have endured in the past year. you are not homeless and that is thanks to your own hard work. you have been an inspiration to many and have much to offer to others and to yourself.

    success is how we define it and ourselves. my grandmother was very poor when i was growing up and we often lived on fruit and vegetables she had canned. her definition of success was being a good human being. some have thought me a success due to career or marriage, i try to live up to her standards.

    love and hugs to you my friend

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    • You are such an awesome person. You seem to know my thoughts before I can figure things out. I am not used to being in a position where moving ahead is so difficult. It tends me make me feel helpless at times. Thank you for your comment. When you state your point, I see it in a different view

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