You have told me so many times that it is hard to overcome the loss of a loved one. As Thanksgiving nears and The Christmas season draws closer, my heart aches more than yesterday.
Oh how I miss Al. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of him. This time of year last year was becoming quite difficult. Al was pretty much bed bound. I never thought MSA would get as bad as it did.
No matter how big of blessing it was for him to be relieved of his pain and torture my heart is very selfish. Just one more time, I think so often, if I could see him and rub his arm just one more time.
When I was thinking about moving here to Kentucky, I used to have big tugs pulling at my heart. I would think, do I leave Al and all these memories of him and his belongings behind or do I stay and eventually I will heal.
It was one night when I was sleeping. I awoke to see Al standing at the foot of my bed. He was standing. He was the picture of health as if the clock has been turned back twenty years earlier. He was smiling right at me. He was helping me place items in empty boxes.
I knew in that moment that Al was telling me that it was alright to move. To be able to put the sadness a way and the horrid memories of watching him leave me, he knew I needed to get out of that house.
My heart gets the biggest ache when ever I see The Lone Ranger on TV. Al loved that and Pawn Stars and the good old stand by, Gunsmoke. Today, I can still not watch these shows. When I get close to these channels when I am TV surfing, I scurry past them as quick as possible.
Christmas and Thanksgiving are going to be very difficult to me. It will be not be mentioned by me in order not to bring sadness around my family, but the unspoken words in my heart will cry out to the heavens as my memories come flooding back to the past seven years.
I went to U-tube and found the video I made of Al right after he passed. I watched it a couple of times and yes, I cried. Crying actually helps me. It releases the pain I feel. My life will always carry this large void, but I am managing the pain. I think this is what we do. We never get past our loss; we just learn how to handle the pain each day.