Christmas and Our Loved Ones


I am sure some of you can relate to my post today. Christmas and our loved ones.

Christmas this year is certainly different for me. A new area to live in, strangers living all around me. The biggest thing though for me personally is Al, my brother is not here this year.

Last year he was there but he wasn’t. Mentally he wasn’t with me. Drugs were keeping him going. The lungs moved, the eyes fluttered, but he wasn’t there.

The selfish part of me wants that back. I could still go in his bedroom and hold his hand. I could read the Bible to him. I could decorate his room with his Christmas coke items. I could sit and watch TV with him. I could chatter away mindlessly. I could take care of every need he had.

This year, I have none of that. I have tried working with other patients but I just can’t do it. My insides want to roar from pain. I want to run in a corner and hide. I don’t want to deal with those volcano feelings, so caring for other patients isn’t for me, nor may it ever be again.

When I spent eight years either caring for my father or my brother, it is so hard to look at someone else and try to pretend your heart is in it.

My two sons and their families live back home in Indiana. My grandchildren are mainly back there also. I have a daughter here in town where I live now and along with her husband and their daughter, they help keep my smiles alive.

I told my daughter a couple of weeks ago there was no way I was going to be decorating this year. My heart is not into it. My son-in-law, who is so good to me piped up with some words, that I basically ignored; but the next time I went over to their home to visit, there were those words hanging on their living room wall. Those words were something to the tune of let the spirit of Christmas live within you. I have a pretty smart son-in-law. He knew what I needed, even though I didn’t get it at first.

I looked at it and my heart felt stabbed from the loss of Al. The words were beautiful, but my inner soul was not. Memories of my brother’s passing almost eight months ago come flooding back at Christmas.

No matter how hard I try to push them down, they rise to meet the tears in my eyes. Time marches on and for those of us who have lost loved ones, pain comes along with holidays.

I knew in my heart that although I miss my brother and my parents so much, I have, not had, I have children. Children with their own children. Giggles and smiles, babies taking their first crawl, proud parents, accomplishments that parents show by the gleam in their eye.

Living must continue. If for no other reason, then for my grown kids. I owe it to them. Life can’t stand still, which it has for me these past several months. The ache in my heart as I write this post is fresh, but I will get through this. I will laugh at the grandkids when they laugh.

I will listen to what my children and their children say. I will use my camera and make my own memories. I have to, what choice do I really have? I can sit here inside my home and cry and become more depressed, or I can live in the moment, in the season, and I know in my heart, Al will be in heaven smiling down upon me, for the fact I am trying to move on.

So for the end of this post I will show you that I am really trying. I drug my Christmas boxes out. I decorated my fireplace mantle. I stood back and looked at what I had done, and I quietly asked Al what he thought. I felt a peace inside. I know that I am doing the right thing for me, for Al and for my family.

mantle

 

17 thoughts on “Christmas and Our Loved Ones

  1. I lost my mother three days after Christmas last year. This is the first without her. Although it is difficult, my son is getting married next Saturday and I don’t want his new life starting without some normality. In spite of the pain, I’ve decorated. God bless you.

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  2. T,
    I am right there with you, with the passing of Momma 2 weeks ago today, I am at a loss. I found myself driving to the Nursing home out of habit…..I have thrown myself into decorating and shopping, and while my “heart” is not really in it, I am doing it, because I think it would make Momma smile. Also, grandkids are a blessing, Cam-Man has been a super blessing to me. I know this hard, but please do not feel your in it alone. I am right there with you sister. Hugs, and love and ( I got a special smile when I unpacked my Christmas stuff and there is a nice Snowman with your picture in it) Merry Christmas to you, and also never fear, we both have “New Guardian Angels”.

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    • No, I am not alone, but it is hard, and I know you know it. Christmas brings up so many feelings, all mixed up with smiles and tears. I am glad you pulled out that picture of me. Now you are not alone either. Thelma and Louise, for all times. Love and hugs

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  3. i can only imagine how much you miss al, however you now have to make memories with your children and grandchildren. just keep posting your pics, i think there are many of us that enjoy them.

    sending you big warm hugs and love my friend

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    • This holiday is torture for me in so many ways, but I am a fighter. I am working my best at doing what you are asking me to do. Memories, this is what we all have and my heart and mind have plenty of room left to make new ones. Thank you, love and hugs

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