The past few days I have felt like crap. Every time I walk, the internal muscles tremor. I hate it and I hate the way it feels. Since the new doctor I started going to in January ended up not being in my network, I had to change doctors and go to my new one February 2nd. The new doctor will have to get an appointment for me at a Neurologist. I hope it isn’t a big wait. I just want this documented. I want to know what to expect.
Add to this the uneasy feelings of always feeling like I am going to fall down when I walk, I just haven’t felt good. I can’t seem to find a job with my limited abilities to do a job. I need a sit-down job. I have followed every lead I get but the doors continue to shut. I am beginning to wonder if God knows something I do not or am I being stubborn and not accepting the truth.
My daughter was kind enough to spend time with me today after working a seven-day stretch in a row. My nerves calmed down but the walking was no better. I pretty much use a cane everywhere I go now.
It brings me comfort to hear her tell me that I will never be homeless or go hungry. My issue is the same as it always has been. The way I was brought up to believe, that we are to make our own way in this world. Now realizing that one day maybe sooner than later I am going to have to lean on my family.
It is hard for me to comprehend that she does not see me as a burden, which is what I see myself. I am not working, I do not contribute in this world. I help MSA patients and family through talking. That isn’t really enough to make me feel like I am contributing.
My wish for the world is to open doors of employment for disabilities, for illness to take a hike to the nearest bucket, and for me to be able to still be considered useful in this world until I take my last breath.
It felt wonderful to speak to other human beings face to face today. It did, definitely brighten my spirits. Now the rest is up to God. I have no choice. I have to accept what ever happens next and try hard to smile.