What Happens Next?

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The past few days I have felt like crap. Every time I walk, the internal muscles tremor. I hate it and I hate the way it feels. Since the new doctor I started going to in January ended up not being in my network, I had to change doctors and go to my new one February 2nd. The new doctor will have to get an appointment for me at a Neurologist. I hope it isn’t a big wait. I just want this documented. I want to know what to expect.

Add to this the uneasy feelings of always feeling like I am going to  fall down when I walk, I just haven’t felt good. I can’t seem to find a job with my limited abilities to do a job. I need a sit-down job. I have followed every lead I get but the doors continue to shut. I am beginning to wonder if God knows something I do not or am I being stubborn and not accepting the truth.

My daughter was kind enough to spend time with me today after working a seven-day stretch in a row. My nerves calmed down but the walking was no better. I pretty much use a cane everywhere I go now.

It brings me comfort to hear her tell me that I will never be homeless or go hungry. My issue is the same as it always has been. The way I was brought up to believe, that we are to make our own way in this world. Now realizing that one day maybe sooner than later I am going to have to lean on my family.

It is hard for me to comprehend that she does not see me as a burden, which is what I see myself. I am not working, I do not contribute in this world. I help MSA patients and family through talking. That isn’t really enough to make me feel like I am contributing.

My wish for the world is to open doors of employment for disabilities, for illness to take a hike to the nearest bucket, and for me to be able to still be considered useful in this world until I take my last breath.

It felt wonderful to speak to other human beings face to face today. It did, definitely brighten my spirits. Now the rest is up to God. I have no choice. I have to accept what ever happens next and try hard to smile.

aug 6

20 thoughts on “What Happens Next?”

  1. You have given so much of yourself over so many years and now you are exhausted so it is time to receive, Terry. My heart goes out to you with this leg thing and I hope the drs can figure it out next week. Love you!

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  5. You definitely contribute to the world, my friend. So sorry to hear of your pain and suffering. God is a healer…may you be well again soon and in the meantime, I hope you know He sees you as infinitely valuable. You matter. Blessings to you Terry.

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  6. Terry, you are an inspiration to others. In a couple of days time, i will be celebrating another birthday, and i am just taking an hour or so out, to pause, reflect. Like you, dear friend, i take cane in hand when i open my front door to walk, to put weight on my left foot is to feel that i am walking on rolling marbles, i have a middle ear complaint (since i was a child) and buffeted by the winter gales i know, what fear of falling is. I am retired from paid work, rich by no means, i find that God gives my daily bread, when i was young, he gave a word of prophecy to me, which said that the hard work for him would come in my old age, he was right. Often, i would, as an unwaged person love to respond more generously than i am able to appeals etc. At such times, words uttered by a poor man, come to mind. In the portico of the temple a hand was extended to a lame, begging man “Silver and Gold have i none, but such as I have i give you.” The man was healed, you and I, Terry, like the apostle have only what we have to give, and it is enough the little we have to give, the strength we have are enough, i say this Terry because like me you have, the Lord as the strength of your heart. May he answer the prayers you make, and all these other prayers, out if his riches in glory. Gof bless.

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    • If only I could give up the ideals that were impressed in my mind growing up. Not working, making no contribution to society means I am lazy or ignorant. When I read your words you make me feel like I am very valuable in God’s eyes. The words of parents is very hard to dismiss, but as a Christian why can’t I see what you see? I know God loves me, my faith seems very weak. I read my devotions, my Bible and pray often, and yet enjoying the simple things of this earth are fogged over by the words I heard, you are doing nothing. Just sitting home doing nothing. Please pray that God helps me see me in a different view. I know that I feel useless if I am not helping or reaching out to someone else. I love to give when I can and this is a major reason I do not have the finances safely tucked away as I should. I love to see others smile when they have been down or hoping and dreaming of something

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      • Not exactly sitting at home doing nothing, Terry I wear myself out every day using the skills I learnt in a paid Job, for no pay and to be honest if my physical problems had been evident then I would no doubt be receiving some kind of disability payments now, fortunately they didn’t and retirement came at the appropriate age, but not with a big pension, savings I know don’t last forever, but then perhaps neither shall I…. Am praying for you Terry, because I know you want to be independent and to be a support to others, generous with those who love you … Just wanted to say you will get there. With love, and admiration for you always.

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      • Oh my, I was referring to my parents thoughts. They would tell me if they were here that sitting home not working was doing nothing. Oh I am so sorry that you misinterrupted my comment. Please forgive me.

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  7. Contribution comes in many forms…I have learned that!…Sometimes physical… sometimes through talking…sometimes through casual conversation…sometimes through what I call cyberspace…sometimes through our talents…We all have our “time” to excell and then there is the time to let others take their turn…Maybe it will be your daughter… It might be her time to care for another and it just happens to be her Mother…God’s plan is not to our thinking…it is HIS!

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    • God’s plan, I ask him often what he wants me to do next. I pray that he guides me to the next door. I know today I received a response from a young lady who had a term paper to write. A week or so ago she commented that she would like some ideas on her topic she wanted to write about. Today she let me read the paper she finished and then thanked me for all my help and she said she felt lucky to have met me. It made me feel good to help, but it made me feel sad because it didn’t bring me money to help pay my bills. I worry so much about money now that I am not working. I admit, I am a big worrier. I was taught as a kid to make my own way or die. This is the stage where I know I can’t get any doors to open. I pray something happens soon, but i hear you say in God’s time. What shall I do in the meantime while I wait? How do I let go of the notion that I m useless only for the reason I am not working and earning a pay check?

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      • I think we always have to keep our part of trying continued… just don’t beat ourselves up if the answers haven’t come yet…I don’t know your finanacial status…can you make it without working… more income…or do you just want extra???
        maybe those questions need to be answered…

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      • I will end up at my daughter’s eventually do to this new health thing. I can’t make it without being at her home. I guess what I am saying is as long as I live by myself, i will run out of money, and this is what scares the heck out of me

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