Just Saying

Four days in a row I was feeling great, then bam, the tremors and anxiety came back.  When I get the tremors my blood pressure automatically goes up. Panic attacks and stress enter the board game and I suffer through it until a good day arrives once again. Along with it was the irritating pulse I could hear in my ear and feel in my temple and foot.

I absolutely hate my internal tremors. I also hate going to doctors. I think a lot of us think like me as far as doctors go. We expect for them to know the answers. We don’t want to hear it could be our own selves causing our medical issues.

Sometimes I cling to the fact that my daughter is a big witness to the times I struggle to stand up or slant. It is as if I know no matter what the doctors state, me and my daughter know better. I am not crazy.

After my sugars bottomed out on me a couple of weeks now at nights and the feeling of the pulse I decided to go to my family doctor today. Granted he and I are new to each other. He doesn’t know my weaknesses yet and I sometimes hesitate to speak about them because I don’t want him speaking into his little microphone saying, this gals crazy.

I talked to him today more than I did first visit. I let him know my phobia about taking medications. I let him know I haven’t located a job yet and I told him I am much more high-strung that I used to be since my brother died.

I hated each word he repeated more than once to me; letting me know I was not my daughter’s responsibility, that she had her own life. I am not sure why he kept saying this but it hit a bruised area of my heart because I stress over this anyways.

I don’t want to be a burden to anyone, but especially not to any of my children. I am the mom here. The rules are, kids come to me, not mom go to them. It is my responsibility to find my own job and friends, I understand this.

I find myself leaning more on my daughter for company, not really giving her the much-needed space she needs after working full-time. I explained to the doctor that I understood and tried hard to not over do my welcome.

He listened to all I said and then changed one of my diabetic medications. He wants me to start physical therapy to try to strengthen my legs. I thought that was a good idea until the hospital called and told me that therapy was twice a week at forty-dollars co-pay each visit. She said at first it may be three times a week.

I am sorry, but right now without a job, I can’t afford this. I wish medical help really was affordable for all. When I lived up north I didn’t have to pay a premium for my Medicare second insurance. Here, I do. It is on the higher side of hitting that mark of 100 dollars per month.

I still have to pay forty-five dollars for one of my medications. I have to pay a co-pay to see a primary doctor and even more for a specialist. By the time I pay out all the insurance wants, would I have enough to get my own food and utilities paid? It would be difficult.

If I go back to straight Medicare, it is risky also because they pay only 80% and I would have all the balance left plus I would still have to get a separate insurance for prescriptions.

It is no wonder I sit here stressed. Thinking about money, lack of, getting a job, keeping up with bills, is quite a handful. I think about exercise and walking but I am a little wobbly for that. If I don’t exercise, media says I set myself up for strokes and heart attacks.

It is a crazy world. What in the world did Adam and Eve do when there was no medical insurance and they got sick? Hard to believe life was more simple at one time. I probably got side-tracked here from my point I tried to make; but I guess what I am really doing is writing my own thoughts to try to clear my mind.me, nov 14

22 thoughts on “Just Saying

      • I wish you lived close… I believe we could be busy together… and you would be happier… Make a friend!… maybe at a church like you are trying to do… It helps immensely!
        I have my BUNCO group…TOPS group…YMCA water group…YMCA work group…and then family…Living …getting out…meeting people…always works!

        Liked by 2 people

      • Today I went around down town and introduced myself to a few places. I ran into a elderly lady at the Walmart check out. We got to talking and I discovered she had retired many years earlier from a beautiful bank here in town. She is well known and suggested I take business cards down there as they often hear of people needing care givers. I did that today and almost felt like I was standing on the red carpet. I met top dogs of the bank and was introduced to staff and passed my cards. I went to an assisted living place and a nursing homes and they gladly took my cards. Now am hoping something comes of this. Big hugs, I wish I could at least see you more often. We are two hours apart, I believe

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Hey Terry – when we moved to the mid-west I called my youngest son often (he lives here) – I would start to talk and then cried on his messages – LOL – he was worried about me. But it was because I didn’t have friends yet and felt very lost. He was so kind and in time I made friends and don’t cry to him (as much) – all that to say that I understand. It takes a while to adjust to a new community. Give yourself time and I’m sure your daughter will also. They really don’t mind.
    Love to you
    cate b


    • I needed to read your comment Cate. It is very difficult being with only yourself most days. I hope for better days. I am so used to be of help to others and seeing smiling faces


      • I know – I had to find new “familiars” – i.e.: I got into visiting coffee shops and developed a new taste for coffees – I found other things in the town I liked to do (and I have a husband – but not all the same likes) – I’m praying for you to find new “familiars” and new friends. 😀 Try to embrace the now and enjoy the break – the relaxing…..


  2. Terry, I wish I could think of some kind of practical help for you. I’m tempted to suggest you get in touch with your Area Agency on Aging and see if they have any suggestions. I’m sorry you have all this to deal with.


      • They may be able to direct you to medical assistance; possibly help you find ways to help pay for you prescriptions. They may have other resources for you to tap into. I’m really not sure they can help you, Terry, but they may know someone who can.


      • Thank you. Now at least I know how to start the conversation. This is a good lead and I won’t hold you behind bars if they can’t help. LOL, love and hugs to you


      • I have been looking into it because I too have type 2. I took my self off medications almost a year ago. My sister meds were switched because the metformin messed up her intestines. I will email you some info darling.


      • being off your medications, aren’t your sugars running high? I have been a diabetic for over 30 years and sometimes I wonder if my meds are making my sugars worse, like a co-dependency thing. Please, let me know if you learn of anything


  3. sorry you are going through such hardships. i don’t want to remind you that it is not up to your dr to tell you about your relationship with your daughter. that is between you and your daughter!

    i can only believe things are going to get better for you and may it happen soon!


    • Thanks my friend. I thought it a little rude. I actually count on my daughter’s love. I have tried different ideas here but this county is just not here for me in ways of helping. I was ordered physical therapy for my legs but the insurance is forty dollars at a time and they want three times per week. The MRI, I am waiting on the Neuro’s advice because my insurance is going to make me pay almost 300 for it. Without a job I can not do this

      Liked by 1 person

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