It is almost noon here on Sunday morning and my body shivers. It isn’t because my body is so cold. It is because my emotions are running very high. You will probably notice more posts on the topic of my brother, Al Miller as it nears March 24th. It will then be one year since he left for heaven.
I am divided by sane and insanity anymore it seems. Part of me wants to break down and cry tears of a river like I haven not done since he passed away. My other part of my thinking is, it is alright, don’t have a breakdown, you are just missing him.
I took care of Al day and night for 7 years. He and I fought together the terrible Multiple System Atrophy he had but God won and took him home. You don’t know how many times I repeat the words, he is better off, he is better off.
My health took a turn for the worse after he passed. Mentally and physically I have fought my way back. I don’t know how others bounce back but it really doesn’t matter. I listen to what people say but in the end it is my battle.
Maybe I am a stand-still woman. I seem to struggle with things that happen in my past. I think about how much I miss my kids back home. I miss seeing the grandchildren taking their first steps and hearing their first words. I miss all my friends.
I miss walking into Al’s old room and just sitting on the floor feeling his presence. I think about how bad I want to go to the cemetery and sit one more time beside Al and my parents.
I struggle with being here in Kentucky. Life has moved very slowly since I have been here. I have found no work, no friends. I have my family here but there are days even they are not enough to hold me together.
I want to go back. I scream it some days, I want to go back. I want to care for him again. I want my parents back. I want my life back. I don’t like who I have become today. I am sad more than not. I struggle with silly posts that I write not to lose my writing completely.
I want to see sunshine again. I want my soul to spark. I want to be thankful that I am alive. Then I turn to God and beg forgiveness for feeling the way that I do. Sometimes I think I am half sane and the other half I am insane.
My heart was broken and it just won’t repair itself completely. I miss everything that once was. I miss you Al.
Here is the song that was played during his funeral.