It is almost noon here on Sunday morning and my body shivers. It isn’t because my body is so cold. It is because my emotions are running very high. You will probably notice more posts on the topic of my brother, Al Miller as it nears March 24th. It will then be one year since he left for heaven.
I am divided by sane and insanity anymore it seems. Part of me wants to break down and cry tears of a river like I haven not done since he passed away. My other part of my thinking is, it is alright, don’t have a breakdown, you are just missing him.
I took care of Al day and night for 7 years. He and I fought together the terrible Multiple System Atrophy he had but God won and took him home. You don’t know how many times I repeat the words, he is better off, he is better off.
My health took a turn for the worse after he passed. Mentally and physically I have fought my way back. I don’t know how others bounce back but it really doesn’t matter. I listen to what people say but in the end it is my battle.
Maybe I am a stand-still woman. I seem to struggle with things that happen in my past. I think about how much I miss my kids back home. I miss seeing the grandchildren taking their first steps and hearing their first words. I miss all my friends.
I miss walking into Al’s old room and just sitting on the floor feeling his presence. I think about how bad I want to go to the cemetery and sit one more time beside Al and my parents.
I struggle with being here in Kentucky. Life has moved very slowly since I have been here. I have found no work, no friends. I have my family here but there are days even they are not enough to hold me together.
I want to go back. I scream it some days, I want to go back. I want to care for him again. I want my parents back. I want my life back. I don’t like who I have become today. I am sad more than not. I struggle with silly posts that I write not to lose my writing completely.
I want to see sunshine again. I want my soul to spark. I want to be thankful that I am alive. Then I turn to God and beg forgiveness for feeling the way that I do. Sometimes I think I am half sane and the other half I am insane.
My heart was broken and it just won’t repair itself completely. I miss everything that once was. I miss you Al.
Here is the song that was played during his funeral.
If you are wise and understand God’s ways, live a life of steady goodness so that only good deeds will pour forth. And if you don’t brag about the good you do, then you will be truly wise! But if you are bitterly jealous and there is selfish ambition in your hearts, don’t brag about being wise. For jealousy and selfishness are not God’s kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, unspiritual, and motivated by the devil. For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and every kind of evil. But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure. It is also peace-loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no partiality and is always sincere. And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of goodness.
I AM human and I saw myself in today’s lesson. I have made bad choices, way too many. I have given out of fear of being disliked. I have bought things that were unneeded. I have made decisions to make others happy.
Thankfully, I am able to repent and I have REPENTED TO GOD OF MY SINS. I am not the smartest apple on the tree but I received what I needed to receive today. Before making decisions of any kind I need to ask myself; IS THIS A WISE DECISION? i NEED TO ASK GOD IF HE THINKS THIS IS A WISE DECISION.
Part of the negative things I deal with daily is too much time spent here at home without a job yet. I have too many opportunities to look back on my life and kick myself over and over for bad or foolish decisions I have made. It doesn’t do me any good because I can’t change them nor can I fix what I did.
I can ask for forgiveness and know that God will forgive me and is the first one I need to go to on my next quest. I am here for a reason; a reason I am not sure why. Oh sure, my earthly mind has it all figured out why I am here and what my purpose is, but God knows the exact reason why I am in this mapped area right now.
So I once again want to let my learning from today be yours also if you wish to take from me. Go to God first, don’t do anything for another person’s benefit. Do it for God’s benefit.