Thoughts Written Down

The night before last, I was woken to tremors. This doesn’t happen very often. These ruined my night and I ended with about 4 hours sleep. I didn’t work yesterday and it was a good thing. I stayed in bed fighting tremors all day.

The reason I am writing this is in hope of transferring my mind to other things, so I am going to be pretty honest speaking here. When I am forced to lay around a lot, my mind tends to wander to off-beat topics.

I think a lot about how I took care of my dad the year he was dying. I ponder on the things I had to tolerate, mean words, doing things that were not things I enjoyed. I then let my thoughts drift to my brother and I can spend hours going back in time and walking day to day with him while he suffered through Multiple System Atrophy.

In all my years of medical training I had never crossed paths with such an ugly demon as MSA was. When the day came that the good Lord took him home, I had a part of me that was so happy for him, that he was finally not suffering.

The other parts of me fell apart emotionally. All the strength I had retained in order not to let Al give up the fight of hope had finally worn me down. I began to fall in to walls. I blamed it on exhaustion. Panic attacks that I hadn’t had for years, suddenly came back to haunt me over and over.

Through that following year, I felt as if I smiled more, relaxed a little more, cried a little less. Yes, I was healing. The feelings of falling didn’t subside. They continued to show up at times. I blamed them on my being tired. Then slowly the tremors started staying with me more often and eventually I was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease.

Doctors told me my body was just drained from caring for people, and that my emotions and physical body were just too tired; allowing Parkinson’s to enter. I suddenly became angry and bitter.

I was out to show myself and others I could still do life. I could work, drive, date if I had a chance, in other words I could rise above this disease. It wasn’t easy. Jobs were not to be had due to my Diabetes and now PD.

I finally landed a job but the tremors and weakness seemed to become more obvious. A cane was introduced then a walker. I became more tired and fumbled through my days until I finally knew inside my heart I had to give up the work thing.

Now I am in my apartment beginning the process of deciding what I can’t live without and can get rid of. Moving in to my daughter’s home brings a certain amount of worrisome with it.

Thoughts of being in the way, messing up another family’s routine enter my mind often. I began to wonder if there really was a God out there. After all how could a God see that I had taken such good care of my family and other patients and then give me these new problems of health.

Finally it hit me one day that God had me right where he wanted me. I had done as he asked. I had been given a talent of caring for others. Now that my brother was gone, my job was done. I am no longer able to take care of others, and instead am  having to rely on others for a bit of watching over.

This thinking turned my thoughts completely around. Now I feel like I am entering the last chapter of my life. I don’t know how long this chapter will last. Hopefully years, but only if I don’t end up in a wheelchair or bed bound, then that will be another sub-chapter to open.

My mind suddenly has shut down crazy thoughts about finding a new companion in my life. I find myself looking at my personal things and pondering on what child wants what. I can’t seem to see any light any where in the tunnel called life. This is it. In a nutshell, I am going to live life in some way until it is over with PD.

I don’t like thinking this way. I want to look at life with  bubbles floating amongst me with some including giggles, and love heart beats, others with quotes of looking towards tomorrow.

A special time of spending with family that may not have occurred otherwise. I am lucky. My kids are not tossing me in a nursing home, so yes, I am grateful; but I am scared too, there are parts of me that feel like I haven’t done all that I have wanted to do yet in life.

Somehow, some way, I have to fight through these depressing feelings and get back on top of life again, but right now I can’t seem to get there. Last evening I was feeling like crap but I had a supper date arranged with a friend of mine.

Oh how I wanted to cancel, but I told myself I will feel no worse there than here at home. I was still feeling awful as we were eating. My friend had her grandchild with her and I was in panic mode that something crazy would happen and I kept emotionally screaming at God to not let me act any other way than normal.

It didn’t work so I ended up taking some special medications that I carry with me for these tremor times. The medicine didn’t make everything go away but it did  help slow down the tremors and I was able to function better.

Although my legs didn’t want to hold me up; but with the help of leaning against trees, poles and sitting on benches, I did go with her and her grandchild to the park and her granddaughter became my model. Except for the weak legs I was able to forget about all the wicked thoughts I have been carrying with me as of late.

I will post the photos later today and for now, I am thankful I made it through last night without falling down. I want to thank-you for reading this and as I said earlier, maybe re-reading this back will help me also. Hugs to everyone, have a good day. Now I have to start sorting this stuff out here at home or it won’t get done.

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