Kicking Back

Last night I lay in bed waiting for sleep to come. It was one of those nights where I kick myself to the curb a few times over.

One of my biggest weaknesses is STUCK IN HELL SYNDROME. I don’t visit there often, thank goodness, but when I do, I tend to over stay my own welcome.

It take only a few words from another human to send me rolling like a headless snowman back into my past. This is what happened last night.

I will look over each chapter of my life. I will diagnose, try to fix and move on, but in many instances, we all know the past can’t be fixed. I know this but still, my tire traction spins.

Because today I can see that I usually place others in front of myself, I can usually count on hurting myself or perhaps others. By reacting this way, I also repeated these actions during the course of caring for my brother while he suffered through the seven years of MSA.

Not only was there his MSA, he had suffered a heart attack, heart angina, his outburst and his mentality level; my mind was certainly not on myself and day dreaming or planning my future.

Maybe this is an excuse, maybe not, but I also lost my hero in my life a week before Alvin had his heart attack. The hero was no other than my daddy. he passed away from bone cancer and Leukemia.

As I ponder on those vivid memories, I often wonder and am amazed that I remained sane. Thanks to many of the 3000 followers I have here your words brought much comfort to me back then.

Even seeing my own words I have written here, I realize I can do no more than I can, and I am by far no super woman. I uderstand that unless a miracle from God is given to me, I will leave a few black tread marks when I exit this earth, and for this I am sorry.