Kicking Back


Last night I lay in bed waiting for sleep to come. It was one of those nights where I kick myself to the curb a few times over.

One of my biggest weaknesses is STUCK IN HELL SYNDROME. I don’t visit there often, thank goodness, but when I do, I tend to over stay my own welcome.

It take only a few words from another human to send me rolling like a headless snowman back into my past. This is what happened last night.

I will look over each chapter of my life. I will diagnose, try to fix and move on, but in many instances, we all know the past can’t be fixed. I know this but still, my tire traction spins.

Because today I can see that I usually place others in front of myself, I can usually count on hurting myself or perhaps others. By reacting this way, I also repeated these actions during the course of caring for my brother while he suffered through the seven years of MSA.

Not only was there his MSA, he had suffered a heart attack, heart angina, his outburst and his mentality level; my mind was certainly not on myself and day dreaming or planning my future.

Maybe this is an excuse, maybe not, but I also lost my hero in my life a week before Alvin had his heart attack. The hero was no other than my daddy. he passed away from bone cancer and Leukemia.

As I ponder on those vivid memories, I often wonder and am amazed that I remained sane. Thanks to many of the 3000 followers I have here your words brought much comfort to me back then.

Even seeing my own words I have written here, I realize I can do no more than I can, and I am by far no super woman. I uderstand that unless a miracle from God is given to me, I will leave a few black tread marks when I exit this earth, and for this I am sorry.

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7 thoughts on “Kicking Back

  1. I think that my time will come when God no longer needs me here anymore. I pray often, “Lord, I am here as long as you can use me, but when the time comes, I hope to be swooped by you, like a powerful eagle coming down to swoop me up, up into the skies joyfully to discover my true homeland!” It gives me peace.

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    • I feel my gift from God was to care for others . I did this for over 20 years. Now I am the one in need of care. I , too , feel my work here on earth is almost complete . I have made mistakes . I have neglected to make decisions that will affect those left behind. I also hope suffering long term is not part of God’s plan for me. Thanks for sharing with me , I loved your thoughts

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      • I think we are allowed to make mistakes so that we learn to rely more and more on one greater than ourselves, God who made us! Asking his forgiveness, asking him never to leave us alone, and asking him to pick up the mess we’ve made, and make up for our mistakes. Thanks for sharing your posts Terry..

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  2. when visiting this “hell” please remember to be kind to yourself. you have had so much responsibility on your shoulders for so many years and i think you have done so much good over your life time, maybe the scales are balanced. maybe you have done more good and deserve to tell yourself what the rest of us know, you are a good person with much love to give. big hugs

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