I Have Changed

I can’t remember if I have talked about Al, my brother lately. Oh, who am I kidding; I think and talk about him to whom ever will listen and not turn their face away.

There are several MSA sites on Facebook that I belong to, so MSA is still a huge topic on my mind, even with Al up in heaven.

A friend told me once, that the pain never quite goes away. The hole in the heart closes, but never seals. The thoughts never escape, the  memories will always remain. The most important thing she expressed to me was. a person will never be quite the same.

Of course, there are parts of me that have moved on. I have fallen in love with my camera. When it and I are together, I really do close out everyone and everything in this world .I have branched out in my writing for my blog and I am writing my third book.  Al will be gone two years this March, and after this amount of time, I have never quite bounced back to the person I was.

I do believe good things happened though because of his passing. I drew closer to God, and I don’t allow myself to stray far from him. I am much more aware to the insensitivity in our world. I have more empathy for those suffering and less tolerance for those who think they will live high on the  mountain for ever.

I have learned that getting a bargain, is a bigger deal than having what is hot. If I get lucky to get a brand name, then it is icing on the cake. I have learned I am not taking anything with me when I leave this earth.

I don’t care so much about how a person looks anymore. It is what is in the heart that I see very clear. I can see when people don’t really care about what you say or think. I draw near to those who speak of inner peace and trying to live a Godly life.

I used to laugh at jokes that were under the table. Now when I hear vulgarity, it makes me sick. I don’t have the trust like I used to. I still get hurt pretty bad when people I care about hurt me, perhaps that is where the trust issue comes into play. No, I am no goody two shoes. I just know, that if Jesus stood in my door way, he wouldn’t catch me doing what I maybe used to do.

I hope that somewhere in this world, someone has noticed my change. Some can say I am depressed, some may think I am a snoot, but this is not true. I would love to spend time with more people, but I don’t want to change who I think God wants me to be in order to fit into other people’s lives.

Yes, Alvin’s death was very hard on me, but I have moved forward in many ways, although some may not recognize. It doesn’t really matter. I will continue to pray that God changes negative hearts and opens their eyes to God.  I miss you Al. I hope you are singing high on that mountain.



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