I know a lot of my stories are not uplifting as the title reads on my blog, and today is no exception.

Ever since Al passed away, I have never regained ground as it used to be. I make decisions that always don’t benefit me. I have a frame of mind that my age is climbing on the up and time is running out sooner than later. I feel like doing silly things that I would usually not try.

I want to go and visit places I always thought were silly. I want to be free. Free from what? I don’t really know. Maybe free from myself. I want to feel less sadness, laugh until I cry, run in the rain. Some days I want to run away.

I want the people nearest to me to be even closer. I want dreams to come true. I want to feel what it is like to be in love again. I want to stop the stress,  pain, agitation and worry in my life.

These are all so stupid and not even the way life works, and yet I feel the strongest restlessness in my life I have ever felt. Have any of you felt this way? Could this still be the remains of losing my brother two years ago? Am I just becoming a nut in a shell Senior Citizen?

me today 3

17 thoughts on “Me

  1. All of what you’ve expressed sound like human needs – companionship, love, laughter, wonder and exploration.
    I’ve had those thoughts since my divorce and deaths of my parents. I think putting the energy into expressing those truthful feelings could lead to change. I hold onto hope of change. I’ve taken more chances lately to put myself out there. It’s a beginning.
    Thinking of you.


    • I have my kids and grandchildren. You would think this would be enough for me, but it feels like something is missing from my life and I don’t know what it is. I love photography, staring at nature, but I want more light heartedness and laughter!! Big hugs

      Liked by 1 person

      • I know health issues can get in the way. My eye problems hold me back. But I found an interesting site called “Meet up.” Last week I went to a sing a long and tennis event. Wondering if they have photo outings etc. in your area?


  2. I don’t know that what you are considering is “stupid”. Once we are released from responsibilities that limited our life’s choices for many years, there is a necessity to redefine who we are, because we no longer do those things, and we’re no longer “that person”.

    You’ll always be Al’s sister. But what Al’s sister does and who she is has changed. She’s no longer his caregiver. She’s simply the sibling who loved him, and that’s significant for the things you do that still express that love.

    But now you can consider things that were declined so that you could meet your responsibilities in that role. it can be very intoxicating, so yes, you will need to be careful in studying your choices. You have to consider your physical limits have changed since the last time you considered these opportunities, and that may require some grieving processes, too.

    Be really ready to make some mistakes, though. Embrace the fact that you can still make some choices that looked appealing, seemed worthy, and then found a way to survive them. Later, you will then call them adventures! Some misadventures will make your stories worth listening to, as well (wink).

    Liked by 1 person

  3. sounds like so many that are near our age…
    We want to do what we use to…but, we are not that youthful person anymore…
    so…I think connecting with old friends has been an answer for me…and taking peole up on outings that I can do…
    and participating in different ways…
    phone calls are good…
    blogging is still good…
    keep talking…you will enjoy yourself again!


  4. You are human with feelings, and that is how it is . We all have needs. You ARE free, just imagine, you can do what you like, you don’t have to justify what you are doing…. be crazy, enjoy the things you do want to do. Join a cinema club, an knitting club, any hobby you like, meet people. Sometimes we need to give ourselves a push to do something. We might be vary and afterwards we say .. it was worth it. This is your time, you don’t have so much responsibility any more and hey.. getting older .. we are allowed to get sillier! That is a fact!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think of this often. What would I like to do? I don’t know. I know I sometimes dream about owning a painting easel. I have no idea if I would be any good, but if I think of it long enough, I get goose bumps. I just wish I would get through this place of not knowing where I fit in

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I believe grief and loss are experienced individually on different levels and I like the quote that goes something like the belief that time heals all wounds assumes the wounds are finite. Maybe the loss of Al resurrected wounds that, for you, are infinite.
    All we have is this one day, but oftentimes it is difficult to live it.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I think this is you becoming ready for change. The kind of change that you want/need. Your soul is restless for things from which you held back before. For whatever reason, the walls are falling, the horizon is beckoning and you just have to follow your heart to your new adventure.

    Big hugs Terry!!


    • I believe I am ready for a change also. It is going in a direction that scares me, I think. What if I fail? I need to get past this thought. You gave me a great comment and something to ponder on. Thank you

      Liked by 1 person

      • Every few years I stand in the cusp of change & experience that fear of the unknown. Then I remember that no one is getting out alive, so do whatever you dream of… chase them…I want to arrive skidding at my grave, safe in the knowledge that I will have few regrets over things I couldn’t find the courage to experience 😉😁


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