I Feel Like the Odd Ball

I fell a few days ago for the first time. My gait has been bad for some time, and always feel like I am going to fall; but don’t. I didn’t expect it and I didn’t get hurt either; so I was lucky.


Today, I decided to make some bean salad and potato salad. I had previously boiled the potatoes last evening, so all I had to do was cut, dice and put together. I boiled the eggs today and after cooled; I made the two dishes. I thought they were perfect for this hot, humid day.

I suppose I was standing for about half an hour or so making these two edibles, when suddenly, I felt weak and the Parkinson’s tremors kicked in. Fortunately, I was almost complete with my task. I cleaned up everything and put the dishes in the refrigerator.

My heart suddenly sped up and I knew if I didn’t lay down; I was going to be on the floor again. At this point of this disease, I have a pill I can take to try to calm the tremors down, so I grabbed a bottle of water and swallowing the pill; I laid down with the fan blowing on me and waited for it to take effect.

While waiting, my mind drifted back to my brother. I usually think of him daily, along with my parents; but some days, I think of Alvin so hard, my heart aches terribly and tears well up.


I thought back to how he ate so much sherbet the last week or so of his life. Oh, he didn’t eat a lot at one time; but this is what he always wanted. A few sips, and he was done. Multiple System Atrophy/ Parkinson’s had really done a number on him by then.

He could barely swallow, speak, he couldn’t move at all. It broke my heart watching him go from a 285 pound, smiling, young 59 year old man, to a withering, small, 145 pound shell. This is where today, I sometimes feel like the odd ball.

His illness brought out all the compassion, empathy, sympathy and every other emotion a person can carry while taking care of him. It never left. I still carry it with me. I believe this is somehow a small reason that I changed, and will never return to the Terry I once was.

As I lay on the bed, and I listened to the petty talk on the TV show, as I thought of all the people glued to their cell phones, or computers, or whatever item they can’t be without; I realized, it is cold to me.

There is nothing for me without being able to use these strong emotions; that makes me feel content. There will never be another emotion that will stir me up more than helping, sitting, watching, or caring for a person who needs someone. I have a gift, I believe.

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I can feel what they feel. A sense of desperation, a feeling of hopelessness, sorrow, tears, and yes, even sharing a giggle or two. It dawned on me as I was laying there waiting for the medicine to kick in, that this is why I see things so different today than before Alvin got too ill. Between he and God, I learned many lessons. Now if I could just figure out how to use this to my advantage, and yet have my tremors hold me up, I may feel content once again in life.

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8 thoughts on “I Feel Like the Odd Ball

    • I used to wonder what the hell and why, after all I did for him. I don’t wonder any more. I feel like I have taken care of many in my life. My father and my brother were the last of the family. My job is done, and perhaps this is what God has in store for me now, a run to the finish line. Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

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