22 | June | 2016 | Who I am

Walk into the light

A subject matter, most don’t like to think or talk about. I know I was one of those people. Life is for living, not pondering on death. My daughter has told me a few times, that she is tired of hearing me speak of this matter.

I truly understand her point. Who wants their work, or play time interrupted by such morbid thoughts? Who wants to actually think for a second about losing a loved one?

The problem is getting through and over death. When my father became ill, and I started taking care of him; death was not in my vocabulary. I knew, without a doubt, that modern medicine, a loving daughter taking care of him, and God, would never allow death to enter our lives.

When my mother passed away, it was a true shock. She died suddenly after being a vibrant, healthy woman her entire life. I have lost all of my grandparents and many aunts and uncles, and a few friends; but it seems this was put into an entirely different category.

When a spouse or parent and my own dad died, I wonder even today, after nine years, is he really gone? Can’t I go out and see him or call him? When within a week of laying dad to rest, my brother had his first heart attack, it began to become a reality, that death was real.

I didn’t go into my brother’s illness with the same outlook or hope that I had with my dad. Number one reason was I had been awakened to the fact death could happen. Number two reason; MSA is incurable. What a nasty word that pops up in our dictionary.

My goal for my brother was to get involved. By this I mean, be involved with all physicians who could help or understand. Be active in all Facebook groups that held information and hope about Multiple System Atrophy. To speak to anyone and help them to understand what MSA is.

I did this and I still am active in these groups. There will be a cure, I have no doubt, but in the mean time, some will lose their battle, and join so many other warrior angels in heaven.

There are so many diseases with hopes for a cure. I will never understand why God doesn’t fix it; but I believe he has his reasons. My theory is, the good person living here on earth is needed by God more desperately, than we do.

Because I have suffered physically and emotionally from the tragedies of caring and watching my family pass away, I want to speak to you on a personal level.

It is alright to fear; but place that fear in God’s hands. It is alright to cry; it releases stress from the body. It is alright to reach out and pray; even if you have never prayed before. It is alright, to begin visiting loved ones more often and sharing the good things about life. It is alright to carry hope, even though you had no reason to hope before. It is alright; to accept a friendly, helping hand. It is alright to grieve; by spending time alone, calling a friend, weeping many times. It is alright; to forgive yourself, family, friends, and by standers. It is alright; to yell, scream in desperation.

Death is not a fun thing to go through; but it is a necessary task we must face. It is a part of life. I wish I would have seen the words in bold prior to losing family and friends. I may be much further along today in my healing.

angel