Spilling my Guts


I have written many post in the five years I have been on here; so not really sure if I  have posted on this topic. If I have, go ahead and leave, if not, perhaps this will help you as much as I hope it will  help me spilling my guts.

I am pretty sure I was a mistake when I was born. Most fifteen year old gals aren’t thinking about having babies. They are thinking only in the moment. My dad remarried when I was five and my brother Al was four.

I can’t sit here and honestly say my step-mom had anything to do with my feelings, nor my father. I think it is somewhere deep inside of me. I have walked through most of my life with a feeling of “being needed”. Like I always had to prove myself.  Prove myself of what? I wish I knew.

I believe with all of my heart that is why being a caregiver for others and my family has been so soothing for me. I knew they needed me, and God knew I needed them. I also believe that this is the biggest reason I am in this non-motivational mode I have been in since Al passed away.

Sure others need me. I know my children and grandchildren need me; the problem I have faced for years is; why isn’t that enough for me? 

It is a problem I have battled over and over with myself for so long. Well, last evening I was listening to some music and caught the words in this song. I have played it over repeatedly, trying to soak the words in my brain. I hope it helps me. I would very much like to leave this earth in total piece, carrying no extra baggage with me.

 

 

4 thoughts on “Spilling my Guts

  1. You write with such heartbreaking honesty, Terry. I didn’t know your background and it just made me gasp. Perhaps so many of us give because we have that desire to feel needed. But it is that goodness the world needs more of. Maybe now it is finally time for you to give back to yourself. I hope you realize you are an angel and deserve to be happy and loved.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s