I have written many post in the five years I have been on here; so not really sure if I have posted on this topic. If I have, go ahead and leave, if not, perhaps this will help you as much as I hope it will help me spilling my guts.
I am pretty sure I was a mistake when I was born. Most fifteen year old gals aren’t thinking about having babies. They are thinking only in the moment. My dad remarried when I was five and my brother Al was four.
I can’t sit here and honestly say my step-mom had anything to do with my feelings, nor my father. I think it is somewhere deep inside of me. I have walked through most of my life with a feeling of “being needed”. Like I always had to prove myself. Prove myself of what? I wish I knew.
I believe with all of my heart that is why being a caregiver for others and my family has been so soothing for me. I knew they needed me, and God knew I needed them. I also believe that this is the biggest reason I am in this non-motivational mode I have been in since Al passed away.
Sure others need me. I know my children and grandchildren need me; the problem I have faced for years is; why isn’t that enough for me?
It is a problem I have battled over and over with myself for so long. Well, last evening I was listening to some music and caught the words in this song. I have played it over repeatedly, trying to soak the words in my brain. I hope it helps me. I would very much like to leave this earth in total piece, carrying no extra baggage with me.