Laughing at Myself or Maybe a Tear


Does anyone feel as I do or do you have most moments in your day filled? I am talking about single or divorced older women. I never dreamed 10 years ago, that I would spend so much time trying to think what to do next.

When you are younger, married and raising a family, you barely have enough time to think; but when the kids are grown and perhaps you are now alone, what do you do?

I love to paint, but I can’t paint all day long. I clean a lot. I talk to many on Facebook. I don’t bake much anymore because I would be heavier even more, and besides, I am a diabetic, and naturally, I would want to bake sweets. I love to write and have published a couple of books, but I am in Pause mode, as I can’t figure out how to get Open Office files on to my desktop, into a file, without all the OP garbage, I just want the chapter. I have tried and tried.

I would love to date, but I have to wonder if that will ever happen as I drift faster and faster into the Senior stages of life. Of course, I want that old-fashion gentleman, who isn’t hundreds of miles away, and so I am not really searching anymore, but hang onto HOPE.

I watch enough television for my own good, but usually have it on for noise in the background. I do have a roommate, but still have the place to myself most times.

When I get off this computer and stand up, all I hear is silence. I get so frustrated. I never dreamed, as I said before, life would be this way.

Perhaps I live too much in the past with those oldie TV programs. Kids grow up, then there are bridge clubs, luncheons, phone conversations.

The only good I feel that I do is love my kids and grandkids and help and chat with many on Facebook.

Don’t get me wrong, I really am not on a pity party. I just get sick of doing nothing. I don’t have to be the head person, I just have to feel, feel what? Here, I am stalling, thinking, what is the proper word I want to use. Be noticed? Be wanted? Be loved?

I don’t know. I am loved. My family loves me. I am sure, no positive, they would miss me a lot if I passed away, so what is it that I need? Wish I knew.

It’s like, come on phone, ring, message, someone say, hey, haven’t seen you for a while, wanna do lunch? Man, as I look back at this post, I laugh. I think, what a baby you are. Get over it. You are sixty-two, you had your chances. You are older now, you are supposed to be sitting and watching TV, what? waiting to die?

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10 thoughts on “Laughing at Myself or Maybe a Tear

  1. You are loved Terry, love you too. I am still at the stage where I don’t have enough time of all I want to do. Play board games, go to exercise classes, meet friends, read a book, do jigsaws, my list is endless….. 🙂

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      • The void didn’t replace your brother. Nothing could ever replace Al. The void is in his place for now. Each passing day though, that void gets smaller and smaller. You have to think of it as a shrinking circle. A hole slowly being filled in. And with each fill, each shrink, your heart gets fuller and your smile can get bigger.

        The monster will never go completely. but you can make it so small that you can kick it so it bounces off a wall and flops to the ground before crawling off to hide.

        Always remember that you are loved by your family, your friends, us in the blogging community. Some of us have been walking through this hell with you Terry, and we will be with you as you come out the other side. With each passing day, that end gets closer as that void gets smaller.

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  2. I am wondering how I will be if I am ever on my own…
    Yes… family is good…but, I think you have to make your own way…
    You are still young enough to join a club… or start one…maybe a book club…We play BUNCO with friends / family…go to the YMCA… Bake but, take to others… Your “poainting” is a good thing…and as I write I still don’t know how I will feel with all that “time”… I use to want…

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    • The void is the monster. You don’t understand now and I pray it will be a long time until you do. I never thought in a million years Alvin would bring this monster and on top of that , let it remain so long. I used to live thinking and watching my brother sleep , what I would rather be doing than fighting MSA . The joy is stripped . Thankfully , I recognize why the void, and work on removing it and keeping all my wonderful memories of him.

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  3. Try going to the library. It’s a great outing, not too demanding, and most libraries have good access for persons with gait issues. You can get books, or DVD’s of movies or even some of those old TV shows :). We’re the same age, so I’m thinking that the library is where I’d be if I didn’t have to work a job or perform other chores. I have a chronic illness, so I tend to spend my weekends resting or recuperating; but when I get a week or more, and I can’t find a friend who wants a coffee date (my house or hers, cause we’re cheap like that), then I opt for the library. It’s a GREAT place to people watch, too :).

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