Crawl Into Bed

I don’t know why my brain insist I wake early in the mornings. Being retired means sleeping in. Perhaps my brain thinks I am still a young kid. I know that my mind and my body do carry on different conversations.

I rise before the daylight shines. I force myself to go back to sleep, only to awake an hour later. I hear the birds singing, which I do love to listen to. I sit up in bed and look around. I ask myself, what am I going to do today? There is many hours that lay between crawling under my bed covers again.

Part of me feels a peace. No stress slamming me is a nice thing. I think it is more about being tossed out of my comfort zone. That seems to be an issue with me ever since Al passed away.

I got used to being in demand. Al would honk the bike horn sitting on top of his bed side table, and I would go into his room and do what I could to help him. I remember him requesting me to start the movie The Christmas Story, over and over again. Still today, I can’t watch that movie, but some day I will.

I remember him asking me to help his pain. There were baths to give, bed sheets to change, meals to fix, feeding him, cleaning him, talking to him, watching TV shows together. He took a lot of work, but you know what? I didn’t mind at all. I knew he needed me.

Perhaps I have this illness that I am not aware of, which has a name, but has not been assigned to me yet. I bet it is called, Stuck in the Middle. Somewhere between seeing a future and seeing the past.

I talked to my daughter briefly last night. I got the feeling that she and many others believe I should be on cloud nine, as I am now in my own place. I am able to make my own decisions, go when I want, return when I choose, but something is missing.

I still feel weird inside. The truth is, I think I am done. I took care of so many patients and I took care of my dad and brother. This was my purpose here on earth. Now, I can’t work because of this Parkinson’s thing. Feeling off balance on my feet is a big issue in my life.

It has forced me to become part of the system. It forces me to remain in one spot. It keeps me from becoming better in the finances department. I feel like I don’t do anything but get through each day. I wait to crawl in bed.

I miss the past, I don’t see a future. I want it over. If I can’t have a better income, if I have to wonder where my next week of groceries are coming from, I am not interested. I know that sounds hmm, cold? uninterested? I guess it does, but these are facts I live with daily.

I have lost my purpose. Yes, that’s what it is. I want what I can’t have. I want my kids and grandchildren close to me. I want to be needed again. I think about volunteering at a hospital, but right now, those patients seem like strangers to me.

I do enjoy my camera still. I do love my painting, but to be very honest, the motivation is gone. I hate having to force myself to want to do these. I wish I would change. I can come out of church and be so happy that I am alive. I see light where there was darkness.

I am still loving helping the MSA patients, but I wish I could help in person, rather than through a black screen and keyboard. I still love writing poetry. I can see that I still enjoy some things in life, and this is a good thing.

But what is wrong with the rest of me? Why in the world would someone, anyone want to be stuck in neutral? I don’t know, I don’t get it nor understand it. I will get through the day. I will putter around my apartment, and then I will crawl back into bed.

8 thoughts on “Crawl Into Bed

  1. Terry I think the best way is volunteering somewhere and I am pretty sure you will love it, and it gives you purpose. I already said when I retire I want to go out twice a week or so to do something useful. It is fun, it is useful, rewarding and gets you out. We have a 74 year old lady coming into our Primary school to read with the children, they all love her, she loves to see the children’s progress and we all love her too. See what’s around and it helps your social life too.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I wanted to pray and think before commenting here. I knew I had to comment, though.

    I have entered this phase of life, and you describe it very well. It’s ok to enter these places, and to be quiet and still as we learn to discern what we can do that God provided this place in time for. I began to listen to a lot of Christian radio that had more music than teaching for a few hours, and then the stations with teaching stuff on the weekends – all weekend. I found my favorites, and began finding a rhythm to life that began rebuilding and healing my spirit. I had songs that became my anthems, because they could express what my heart was screaming better than I could.

    Find some anthems. Let them play over and over, and let God speak to your wounded places with those songs.

    I began to find some companions who accepted my woundedness without too much trouble, and they may not stay with us for more time than we needed them. These people are a blessing for a time, like a cast or a crutch, but as we get well, we’re no longer in tune with these friendships. That’s ok, and one reason why divorcees need to avoid falling into new romances before they’ve healed. They marry the person who was like their cast or crutch, and then the other person doesn’t fit right once they’ve healed inside. Embrace these friendships and be wise to the reality that they may not last, but the memories always will.

    Be patient with yourself, and find some wise mentors to take questions to like older women you admire, pastors, elders, or even relatives who have the time.

    Set ONE goal for each day, and remember that you don’t have to accomplish it if something new interrupts the day’s plan. You’re an adult and there are no parents to lean on, now. That’s an invigorating thing – ask any child and they’ll remind you of why that is so (chuckle).

    Embrace your inner girl. The one you remember being when you were most fearless and felt that you were loved and significant in some inexplicable way. I find that the person I was at 7 is the person I can trust most. If she wouldn’t be happy with me as her adult, I ask her what she’d want me to fix. Oddly, it isn’t always the things I thought mattered. She didn’t care if I was fat so much, but she wanted me to be safer than I was (I was so very angry about everything for a time). See what your inner girl would like to see you do. This stuff really works, though it may sound silly and peculiar.

    After all, this is an odd and peculiar place to be, isn’t it?


    Liked by 1 person

    • I found your comment very intense and mind thinking. I actually did start listening to Christian music a couple of days ago, trying to find my match. I thought of a time long ago. I was 9. I had a step mother and I felt even at that age, unwanted by her. Tears later I found my thoughts to be true. I remember taking my dolls and dolls bed outside under the big oak tree. I played there in all nice days . I loved nurturing my dolls. What does this say about me today? I am still needy? Still needing what?

      Liked by 1 person

      • Only YOU can be sure what you’re in need of, and finding a way to get it is the adventure before you. There are ways that only keep your spirit sick, and ways that help you feel stronger and truer to who you are. Take the journey, and keep in touch with the younger girl you can trust inside of you. She’ll help you to remember what’s missing, what she was in need of that you didn’t help her get before, but that you can help her get now.

        Find out what you are doing that you don’t really like to do – and ask why you HAVE to do it. If there’s no good answer, give yourself permission to stop doing it. You’re in charge now, and there’s no one else that you have to accommodate because they have to come first. YOU can come first, now. It’s time.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Keep thinking about what she’d think of this, or that, or if she was scared by this, or that. And check things as you go. I found out I really didn’t care for french fries. I ate them because they were supposed to be a favorite food, but I didn’t honestly care for the crunchy type of fries. I like the potatoey kind like they sell at KFC. What an odd thing – but it helped me tune into my deeper self that had been stifled by other priorities. Look at each thing you’re doing and ask yourself, “Do I really WANT to do this? Is this part of a healthy life, and if the answer is no, can I find a way to stop or change it without being harsh or rude to myself?

    There were things that little girl was told to stop asking for. Find out what was on her wish list that might be something you can revisit. Are there things you feel deprived of that might be possible to work toward? How do you really like to relax? Sitting on the patio with a hot cup of coffee? Maybe a little table by the window is the blessing your day needs before it really begins. Explore those inner things. That’s what these quiet “alone” times are really about – finding the joy God place inside you that the world has worked on drowning out.


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