I Want to Live, Mentally


When you are younger than I and live a “normal” life, you may not be able to get the picture in your mind of my story. If you are disabled or elderly and confined to your four walls, you may understand perfectly.

I get so tired of the silence here in my room. I have the TV and the radio and my cellphone. After a while, those become concrete statues also. After, I run out of things to occupy my mind, I will grab my walker, go downstairs and check my mail, and if I am fortunate, I will find other people sitting on their walkers or in their wheelchairs, congregated and chatting.

I desperately don’t want to participate in this group, but I want them to save my life on the other side. I sit down on my walker and I listen and look. I look at each face, mentally comparing it to mine.

I check out their clothes, their  hands, their hair color and styles. I am not snoopy or better than them. I am comparing them to my own body. Does that make sense? I listen to them talk about the puzzles they worked on that day, what they had for lunch. Sometimes they talk about how they didn’t make it to the bathroom in time.

There are times I laugh with them, and if I can find something similar in my life that I did that day; I will add it to the conversation. Other times, I come back to my four walls and feel so depressed and almost in tears.

You may be asking, why did she move there, because she knew what type of people lived there.  That would be a good question and the answer is; I didn’t have much choice. Opportunities didn’t come in time and I needed a place to live. I didn’t want to move out of where I had resided the past year, but things happen, right?

This place worked because I am on disability and almost a legal senior citizen, but my mind is not. With having my illness, I should be so thankful for this place, but having this illness forces me to realize that life is shorter in quality of life, and therefore; I want to live.

I am not mentally ready to put puzzles together. I am not mentally ready to sit on my scooter all day or in a wheelchair. I fight back tears when I look around me and all I see are people just like those in the photograph.

I want to laugh. I want to run. I want to play. I want to live life before I am wheelchair bound. Seeing those already seated in my waiting spot, makes me ill. I want to pack my bags and hit the road, never looking back.

Of course, I want a lot of things, like most of us. For me, I want to rid this illness. I want to walk by myself without aide, but some things I have to face, I can not change. I want to change what I can change and learn to face that some things won’t change.

Does any of this make sense? I have lived over half my life and I made mistakes and I learned from some. This latter part of my life, I have nothing to lose, but to gain laughter, memories and less stress. This is what I dream of and yearn for.

I never thought different about environment except in the form of how it causes illnesses, but I now know that your every day living is also effected by what you see in front of you day in and day out. I have got to make changes. I want to live, mentally.

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6 thoughts on “I Want to Live, Mentally

  1. Thanks for telling your story made me feel ashamed in away I have alot of problems in my life and yes I feel imprisoned in my house even with my husband here day in day out same ole crap can’t afford to get out and go unless it’s to grocery shop once a month or Drs visits tests hospital visits that’s all we get done. I’m haveing alot of medical issues but I’m not disabled enough to have to have a walker yes I’m in pain 24 /7 but I’m making it I can still move. Yes I hsve fibromyalgia, aniexity and depression and panic attacks but that’s no way what your going through with Parkinson’s and then living where you are and not being able to get out more to visit family and friend and I know what you mean about being around older adults. It can be depressing at time the wayvivknow is being a housekeeper in nursing homes in Nevada. I’ve seen a lot and thought I’d this all there is as an older adult to be dumped into the nursing home to die. It still bothers me, AFFRAID one day I won’t be able to take care of myself any longer I’d have nowhere else to go I’ve seen to much that goes On in those places I’m not looking forward to it at all. I’d prefer the Lord take me home. But really I shouldn’t complain I hope I haven’t complained it’s mainly being AFFRAID of what might happen in the next few days and wks with my health. You are a wonderful person with many talents. .God bless you Terry. Keep fighting please don’t give up. God loves you and so do I.

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  2. Your comment touched me deeply. I also worked in nursing homes and said I would never end up in obe, but who knows, right? When I need help, there is little help and no one can fix my mental thinking. I keep asking myself, is this what’s left?

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  3. Terry yes go for it, it is up to you to live and make life as you want it. You got a safe home though!
    I personally want to go in a home when I need help and am older. I see it at my mums, it is really lovely there , they offer so much and my mum loves it with Bingo, singing, cinema, play afternoons. I have joined many and love them too. She has made friends and is content. Even my mum with 91 is mentally not 91 but has accepted that she needs help. It is a Christian home and that also makes a difference.

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  4. I am glad they have nice homes in your area. With my work experience,I have seen some bad ones here and with my finances, I will likely end up in one of those. Makes me sad

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  5. Terry, you are a woman of strength and character and the world of cyberspace will always embrace you. Get out when you can. Go where you can. But always know your world will never be colorless. Bless you, my friend.

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