I Slipped Away From Myself

I can’t explain how it happened; I only know when it started. No matter what I told myself, something bigger than me was taking my power.

I fought it, I argued with it, I slept it away, only to have it return when I woke-up. I tried crying but that didn’t work without any tears. I kept it to myself in order not to exaggerate it, but I was failing and I knew it.

I recognized it from years ago when I lived this same experience. I didn’t want a repeat. I wanted control over me once again, so I sought help.

Two days ago, I went to my primary doctor with several symptoms and because of higher than normal BP; they sent me to the ER, but the ER couldn’t find much. The only thing that was learned was my BP was not steady. Today, I went to my volunteer job. I told myself over and over again on the drive there, that I could do this!!!!

About fifteen minutes after arriving, my crazy symptoms reappeared. In front of staff, I was mentally arguing once again but I was drowning in a pit and I was so afraid that my internal would escape to my external and all would look.

I told my boss I was not having a good week, and since he knew about Tuesday because it happened at work, he said, “If you want to go home, go ahead, we have enough help today.” I smiled at him, I didn’t really want to go home, especially because I wasn’t there the entire shift Tuesday, but the more I thought about what could happen, I finally spoke the words, ” If you’re sure you’ll be covered without me, I will go home.” I apologized and he said no apology needed.

I grabbed my purse and left. I didn’t go home. I went to Med Stat and got checked out. The young and modern Nurse Practitioner was seeming to grasp immediately what the real issue was with me.

She said it was going to be a tough ride for the rest of my life due to all the neurological issues I have, but with a couple of prescriptions and a phone call made to a specialist, and a repeat visit to my primary doctor next Tuesday, she was sure she could get me back on track.

For the first time in a while, I smiled. I felt like someone understood. No one called me crazy or stupid. I was able to spew the puzzle pieces and she put the puzzle together.

I am so thankful I went and that I left work early. I other wise may not have made those last minute decisions I did. I know I am going to beat the negative power in my life sooner than later.