About Who I am

Still trying to figure out who I am

It’s Part of Life


Picture taken by me.

A scene happened yesterday that has tossed like a salad in my head until I decided to write about it so I could get rid of it.

It doesn’t matter who says what or how they say it; I am afraid of dying. I don’t know if it’s because I think I will miss people or perhaps I am afraid of death hurting, or the process to the death. I believe in God,so that makes this issue stupid in my eyes but I’m still afraid.

To get through this, I play or pretend it isn’t happening sooner than later. I tell myself I look pretty good for my age. I try to ignore those aches and pains of arthritis. I place most blame on my Ataxia for being tired. Get the picture?

I have this close friend who obviously wasn’t brought up with the manners I was.I was taught to not say anything if I thought it may hurt someone’s feelings. Well we are good enough friends, that most of our conversations are more straight forward and this talk yesterday was just that.

We were comparing how we have changed through the years and the words spewed out at me. “You have changed. You have wrinkles and your hair is thin and your skin is crepe. You’re old!” Boom, instantly I was hurt.

Hurt probably because it is truth and since I am afraid of dying, it stung. I tried to defend myself but I heard, “Well, it’s the truth.” I got back by saying something truthful about my friend that I probably wouldn’t have said in case it caused hurt feelings.

This is just so darn stupid. I know that I am going to die. We all are. I can be there for anyone who is ill or dying but my own aches and pains can cause me to go to pretend land.

I don’t know what I should have actually done or said but today, those words are still haunting me. Let’s face it Terry, you are aging. It’s part of life.

Can’t Undo the Past, Remember?


In my opinion, it doesn’t do any good to paint statues red or break them or tear them down. It doesn’t do any good to change the photo or name on a long-time food product because you are afraid someone will be offended.

My parents taught me that not everyone will like me and to be thankful if I make one, close friend in my life. They were right you know. A lot of parents were or are right if us kids would just listen.

You can not change the past and you can’t change history, so what’s the point of taking away all of these statues that represent wars, and wins and good ethics? Tell me now! What is the very point you are trying to make?

I’ll tell you what the point is. The point is coward. Afraid to stand up for what you believe in. Afraid of losing a dollar. Afraid to trust in God to fix all this. Where in the world is your back bone businesses?

I am so ashamed. I have never been as ashamed of the United States of America as I am right now. BLM? I agree with this to a point. All lives matter, no matter what race or sexuality or color you are. It doesn’t matter what you live in or where you live, and if we are making mistakes or making bad judgments when we know better, God Will Take Care of This, not us.

It is not our responsibility to discipline or tear things up or kill each other. I swear, this is the truth. We shall all be judged. What bothers me the most of the BLM, is the destroying of property by whites and blacks. What is that showing the rest of us?

We understand black lives matter so why are blacks and whites acting like overgrown children.

Okay, I have said my thoughts. I just wonder if they will take the Colonel in the above photo, who happened to own a plantation, and tear him apart and try to forget another part of history and labels on foods we eat.

What a shame, all of this a darn shame.

Clear as the Brook Flows


The other day I wrote a post about the black lives matter. I wrote my own thoughts and maybe I didn’t make myself very clear, which is very possible, but what I was trying to say and also express through the photos that I took and shared is pretty simple, or at least in my eyes, everyone is equal and we should treat each other as so.

For the most part, I received good comments but I did seem to offend at least one person here on my blog and my Facebook and for this I will apologize for any misunderstanding but I won’t apologize for my thoughts.

I do believe in God and I believe that we were each created equal and although this was done so many years ago, it still stands today. Now, it is a different story if people want to group together and twist words or actions or even personal experiences to make it their own, but we are still equal.

I have been attacked emotionally in my life for what I believe in or felt at the time, and yes, it does hurt, so I do understand, but when I posted my photos it was very clear to see that children of mixed colors do not look at color. They are born innocent and want friends and are willing and eager to make friends. Not always, but kids hear adults speak about racism and the media is quick to give their thoughts if it will help sell news, but we are still no better than any other human on this earth.

I believe no matter what color, we should be treated equally by our police, local people and our government. I believe whether we have money or not, we deserve fair treatment. I believe no matter which side of the track we live on, we are still important. I believe that God created us for a purpose, a purpose for him and we are to do this job. We are to love one another as ourselves.

We are not proud of those who tear apart our cities to prove a point. It proves no point, it shows a lack of respect for others. I do believe that we have a right to peacefully protest or announce our feelings and present our desires for change.

I took some more photographs last evening of the kids in my neighborhood. I met two neighbor ladies who live side by side because I was attracted to their beautiful flowers. I am never so shy that I won’t go to the source and ask if I can photograph their beauties.

I hope I have made myself much more clear and I hope you enjoy my photos.

The Invisible Wall


It really bothers me that color is a small word with huge descriptions and how these two colors, black and white have become like oil mixed with water. Why?

Everywhere you look there is turmoil. Fighting for a race, fighting for a right. It has taken over every part of the world.

The fact is; that we are each equal. One is no better than the other and we all have the right to take space in this world.

I got my scooter out last evening and grabbed my camera. I decided to take some photos, which I showed you above. I live in an area of black and white. A small community but I wouldn’t consider it a close knit neighborhood after last evenings ride.

I ask to take the photos of the kids. The kids liked showing off for the photos but I got the look from the parents. I felt like I was about to make an attack on someone. The looks weren’t angry, but they were looks of fear.

What was I doing speaking to them? Why did I want to photograph their kids? I explained I was a photographer and that seemed to settle things down, but the tension was still there. It is sad in my eyes.

I remember when I used to work in the nursing field. I worked with mixed colors and believe me, the black women I worked beside could really make me laugh up a storm. I became close enough with one gal, that I asked her one evening if she wanted to go out and get a coke after work to just unwind and laugh. Immediately, her smile left and she said, “Work was one thing,but we weren’t mixing after work.”

It hurt my feelings but I understood. Maybe I will never understand it from their point, but all I do understand, is color doesn’t keep me from being friendly and wanting to make friends.

A Little Taste of Normal


What is Normal?

‘Normal’can be defined as any behavior or condition which is usual, expected, typical, or conforms to a pre-existing standard.

https://www.cnn.com/2020/05/20/world/gallery/new-normal-coronavirus/index.html

When I arise each morning, I place my Life Alert around my neck. I use the bathroom and then I get my first cup of coffee.

This is my normal. I watch the news on TV while I drink my coffee and the last few minutes that I am spending quality time with myself, I check my emails and Facebook on my phone.

This is the end of my normal. I get up and start the day by house work. The movement and bending or running the sweeper drains me in no time at all. The aches I didn’t experience upon arising show their faces.

In no time at all, I am ready for a nap.

Yesterday, I went to the hospital for an appointment I had for a swallow study test. The doctor and the technician were stumped by my swallowing and choking on the different food choices they gave me.

They said the normal person would not notice such a tiny remnant of food left in the back of my mouth but my high sensitivity picked up quickly that food was still remaining. As they watched the scan, I could hear them whispering and wondered what they were saying. They stated they would send my test results to my Neurologist. I am waiting for that call. They did mention, no more straws and a mechanical soft diet.

So this is my new beginning of another normal. What is your normal in your eyes?

Who Am I Today?


The photo above is the cat that my brother and I had when my brother was still living and I took care of him. Rhino was a great cat and although we both loved him, he was closer to my brother. I believe this was because my brother was sick and the cat knew it. After my brother passed, the cat went into a different personality and life was never the same again.

It’s been some time since I owned a cat so I decided to get a new pet, but I didn’t give it enough thought and it didn’t work out. I have gait problems and this pretty much means I am unsteady on my feet. My cat, named Riley, was very loving and always under my feet. I fell into walls or cabinets from tripping over him.

I tried so many things to get him to stop but he just wouldn’t change that about himself, so a few days ago, he was placed in another loving home. I think he will be happy once he is used to his new surrounding and he will even have a cat friend to play with. I really miss him and the house seems so quiet, but I believe I will be a little safer.

It’s Friday morning and the humidity is high here in Northern Indiana. I plucked dead flowers from my outdoor plants but didn’t stay outside because of the heat. I prepped some veggies and put all items in covered blows for a few chef salads for myself.

I can still eat them as long as I take my time chewing and make sure the ingredients are small enough. I really enjoy salads in the summertime. Did you know that I have a recipe here on my WordPress? I sure do and be sure to check it out. Easiest Recipes Ever and if you are on Facebook, I have a recipe page there also and here is the link.

https://www.facebook.com/It-May-Not-Be-Healthy-But-Its-Darn-Good-n-Easy-347995258619883/

Not much happening here. Restaurants are opening but dine in is still slow and some eating places still aren’t open at all. I think Indiana is lifting everything July 4th. It’s still a little leery for me though. Cases of being positive for the virus are on the rise as people ignore the social distancing and more is opening.

I hope all of us continue to be cautious and smart.

I want to add one last thought.

It is awful what is happening to our country in our racial and hate crimes. Pray peace finds it way to our people.

Have a great day my friends.

We Will Move On


Slowly, Indiana is lifting the lock down. Restaurants are at fifty percent and some are not open other than drive thru. I think this is due to some fear. No one wants to get sick.

As for me, in another week, I will be able to get out in public again, according to our Governor.

Eric Joseph Holcomb is an American politician serving as the 51st and current governor of Indiana since 2017. A member of the Republican Party, he served as the 51st lieutenant governor of Indiana from 2016 to 2017 under Governor Mike Pence, now the 48th Vice President of the United States.

In my opinion, he has done his job well. I believe he really cares about us here in Indiana. I have ventured out but with caution and have stayed out of stores unless food is needed to be purchased.

Our weather here for the last few days has been filled with humidity and heat. This is not our usual May weather but instead, it is our August weather. The air conditioner has been on already and I am not happy about that because it cost money.

The topic of schools is getting bigger here. It seems like colleges will resume as normal in the Fall but I am not sure about the lower education classes. I have heard it may still be E learning. I have heard it could be a mixture of actual class time and E learning. I feel bad for the kids who actually need that stimulation of friends around them and a teacher. It will be interesting to see what happens.

High school graduation didn’t happen in a lot of schools because of the virus. Since June is arriving, I have seen that some schools are going to have actual graduations. I hope the kids get to participate in that, they sure do deserve it.

How is the virus affecting your town thus far?

Cried me a River


Each day of this pandemic has set me back health wise. I think it was beginning to do this a few weeks in but I ignored it; mainly because I thought this will be short lived and I can endure it.

I was suddenly thrown into a category of unexplored waters. Winter was here which I despise the older I get, plus the lock down began and continued on even to present. I became inactive.

Oh, of course at first, there is the salient holidays. The busy time of year where you go away from yourself in thought and think of others. The holidays are over and here in Indiana, the freeze and snow kick in for the next several months.

With my age and health concerns, being allowed out of my cage for any purpose other than food or medical, there was nothing much to do with myself. I like a neat and tidy home, but come on people, how many times per week do we want to run that sweeper and dust or how about cleaning that toilet?

Weeks turned into months and I really wasn’t consuming much more food than I was prior the pandemic, I just wasn’t getting any exercise to help keep me at my same weight. I have gained some too.

Each week I weighed myself, I saw a pound increase. I would tell myself, that I will watch more closely what goes into my mouth. I began to find myself hiding in the darkness and actually getting used to it.

I would think about taking my walker outside and walking the boring path of our parking lot. I didn’t though. I had great excuses. It was too cold or it was snowing or raining or I didn’t feel the best. Each of these were true but I would use them to my advantage also.

No, I am not beating myself up but rather telling myself the truth. I have to read this back don’t I? So at this point, I have crossed my own mental goal evidently, because as I looked at those scales, I actually cried this morning.

I cried not only for the weight gain; I cried for the loss of my life, or what I thought I had lost. I couldn’t control anything it seemed, not that I am a control freak, but maybe I am over my own self.

I cried at the loss of not being able to speak to my parents nor grandparents. I cried over the loss of my brother and I cried over the gray, dreary days. I even cried over the pandemic. I cried me a lake and I was the only one swimming. I cried at seeing people rarely. I just cried.

I actually believe I am depressed. I somehow let myself slip into this black puddle with or without realizing it. It really doesn’t matter the reason I guess, what matters is I recognize it. I think it is seasonal depression.

The lack of sunlight, the dreary cold and rainy days. I have spent too many times wishing I lived elsewhere. I have even dreamed of using my walker and going for a walk in November. So now that I know, what do I do?

I actually watched some U-tube videos on chair exercises for Senior citizens this morning, but I didn’t do anything about it. I actually used that dreary and misty morning not to do it. I have to though. I can’t keep being sad and gaining weight. It could cause more health issues.

I miss people, this is for sure. I am a big people person and here where I live; I spend mainly alone. I don’t think I am my own best company during long periods of time. As I finish this post, I am telling myself, the weather is changing this afternoon. It will be warmer and some sun for a change and the weatherman said no more really chilly days. This gives me hope to change things.

Have you or are you going through any of my feelings? Is it the pandemic causing this? I already have an anxiety medication to use when I am anxious or stressed, but I didn’t think I needed it. I am actually pretty calm. Is that crazy or what? If you understand any of what I have said, how did you handle it?

A few things to keep in mind if you comment may be, I can’t drive very far because of my beater car. I can walk only with my walker and volunteering at this point is not an option because of the virus. Are these excuses too? Wow, maybe I am weird. Oh, by the way, I did a positive thing this morning. Instead of remaining in slippers and PJ’s, I got dressed. I asked myself, what for, but then I ignored that question and got dressed anyways.

How Many More Labels?


Ataxia is a degenerative disease of the nervous system. Many symptoms of Ataxia mimic those of being drunk, such as slurred speech, stumbling, falling, and incoordination. These symptoms are caused by damage to the cerebellum, the part of the brain that is responsible for coordinating movement.




Parkinsonism is any condition that causes a combination of the movement abnormalities seen in Parkinson’s disease — such as tremor, slow movement, impaired speech or muscle stiffness — especially resulting from the loss of dopamine-containing nerve cells (neurons).


dys·to·ni·a
/dəˈstōnēə/

Learn to pronounce

nounMEDICINE

a state of abnormal muscle tone resulting in muscular spasm and abnormal posture, typically due to neurological disease or a side effect of drug therapy.
Involuntary muscle contractions that cause repetitive or twisting movements.
Dystonia may affect one or more parts of the body, and sometimes the entire body. The condition can be mild or severe.
The main symptom is involuntary muscle contractions that result in slow repetitive movements, cramps, or abnormal posture.
Treatments may include drugs, injections, and physical therapy.


I have each of these diagnosis. Sometimes I am amazed at how I get through the days but I do with God’s help.

I had my appointment with my neurologist this past Friday. He said my voice is softer and my words flow less easily. My falls are about the same but my swallowing and choking has greatly increased.

I had tried taking a medication last year that was for Parkinson’s but it made a zero difference so was taken off. My balance is worse and I can’t carry things in my hands if I want to also walk.

He has now added a new diagnosis probability to my list. I feel like I just have some of what my brother and father had, not a lot like they had, but a bit of each. To me, this is like an umbrella which is holding all of these symptoms, except this time what my brother had was included, which was Multiple System Atrophy.

I have to have a new swallow and choking test done and I am being sent to I.U. University in Indianapolis, Indiana. The appointment is for September 9th, 2020.

The new diagnosis included is Parkinson’s Plus.

https://www.webmd.com/parkinsons-disease/parkinsons-plus-syndromes#1

Multiple System Atophy

Multiple System Atrophy

This affects what’s known as your autonomic nervous system, which controls things like your blood pressure and digestive system. Symptoms can include things like fainting, losing control of your bladder, and constipation. It also causes more typical Parkinson’s symptoms, like shaking, stiffness, and problems with balance or speech.

I just want everything narrowed down to a one or two diagnosis or I’ll go nuts trying to figure out which kind of day I am having. lol