Indiana is in our Winter Mode


We are going through a real cold snap. It started two days ago and is to get worse each day at least Valentine’s day. There will be days this coming week where the high will be zero. I hate winter since it affects my ability to walk. I need my walker at the least and it doesn’t work well on snow or ice.

I hate cold even more. My feet always are cold in the winter, partly due to the weather and partly due to my Diabetes and age. I can’t wait until this month is over. I always look forward to February because it is short in days and longer in daylight.

The Covid is still here so we are still under some restrictions. Businesses are hurting but I think school kids are hurting worse. E-learning as we call it is done from home. The parents have to be quite disciplined to be able to help their children with online learning and if they or someone that is caring for them isn’t, I would think the child could slip between the cracks real quick. It is always easier to learn when it is learning in person in a class.

I hope and pray Covid leaves us soon, and leaves our countries but new strains are already showing up here in the United States from South Africa. Will it ever end? God has a plan and I believe he knows what is going to happen and why.

Do you live in an area where winter is going on right now? I saw Ute is observing Spring already and I wish for that. We do have Robins returning and this is a good sign, because they won’t return if the chance of food could not be found.

I am ready for you!


I founded this blog when my brother was very ill. I had so many emotions bottled up inside, it was making me a wreck. I prayed often for God to help me through this trial of times and he led me to Blog world. I had never heard of a blog, but since he led me to it, I would learn it.

It was a wonderful place to sit and write my feelings. I could post exactly how I was feeling, knowing I was healing as my brother was suffering, does that make sense? Or maybe I was preparing myself for the dreaded end.

I wrote often, and eventually wrote two books. One was published right after my brother’s death. It is called Dahlia. Today, I don’t understand how I wrote the book, considering I watched helplessly while my brother got more ill.

I later wrote and published one more book. I have another book started. I think there are twenty-two chapters to it, but I have not had the urge to continue. Hopefully, I will begin writing towards the end of it sooner than later.

I primarily write on my blog now for more intertwining with blogging friends and Facebook friends. I started a new idea on here by asking one new question about you. Nothing personal or embarrassing, just fun. I also have another page here at WordPress, for my recipes I find that I think you may like.

The year of 2020 began to get difficult to remain motivated. The Covid, and my pain helps to slow my life down. Stumbling and staggering isn’t any fun neither and so life has just changed for me.

I just don’t have the umpp to get going. I actually get mad at myself for not filling up a day with activities and yet I do nothing to change the situation. I sweep and rearrange smaller things, I bake goodies, so I do do things but I don’t fill up days. I am hoping Spring will make a difference and I can use my walker and take a walk around here. I want to sit on my porch again too.

Life isn’t grand like some people say it is. I hurt daily and it’s winter, so look out Spring, I am ready for you!

What are things you love about Spring?

Christmas 2020


There wasn’t a lot of hype this year for Christmas. I do admit, it came sooner than last year and now it is over.

I took the big Christmas tree down yesterday. I rearranged the living room and swept real good. I keep one small tree up all year and I have a medium size still up because my daughter is to come here in January, based on the Covid and weather.

I spent a pretty calm and nice day with my son on Christmas. He is married to a beautiful and wonderful woman, and they have three boys who I am sad to say, one is now grown and getting ready to leave for the military in a couple of months. Where does the time go? The two other boys are eleven and six. They are both so cute with those big eyes and smiles.

We had my deceased mothers traditional dinner. Lasagna and garlice bread with a pudding dessert and pumpkin pie. My daughter-in-law is a great cook and I had no trouble eating that day. Oh no, I don’t want to look at my scales for a week at least.

Speaking of weight, the day after New Years, our TV will be bombarded with weight loss commercials, just making you feel bad enough about yourself and ready to lure you in to their weight loss places.

I personally like when the farmer commercials come on TV. It is a sure sign of Spring is getting close.

Do you want to share something you received for Christmas with me? I received a new burner to place waxed cube scents in. I have three of them and I use each one. Cinnamon is my favorite and I got some variety of wax tarts, each smelling so good, including cinnamon. I got a nice set of flannel sheets and a fuzzy, warm blanket. I will stay warm for sure in frigid Indiana.

Santa of 2020


Santa of 2020

What’s in Santa’s bag this year for you?

Could it be re-gifted or something brand new?

2020 has been forced on us, don’t take that train nor the bus

Stay home and become a teacher, forget all the make-up, forget the fuss.

Trade in your work clothes and wear something comfy

Laze on the couch that’s getting quite lumpy

.Forget the lessons, the piano and dance

Gather together, sing and laugh, take a chance!

The kids can see Santa, but not sit on his lap

They’ll look through the bubble, and the glass they shall tap

.They’ll hold up their paper with their Christmas list

Hoping Santa can read it and bring them their wish

.Grandma may not come and pinch those dear cheeks

Auntie won’t be there, she’s in a hospital under those sheets

.Our families will gather around the table this year

It will be more quiet, less people to cheer

.We’ll look at each other as we eat from our plates

Not knowing what to say, but it isn’t too late.

This year we can start knowing those living with in

The four walls of our house, that’s where it begins.

We’ll listen to each other and smile then grin

As we begin chatting, causing sadness to dim

.Santa may not deliver the usual Christmas bling

Instead he delivered a family, filled with love and peace.

Written by,Terry Shepherd

December, 12, 2020

Covid-19 and Daily Living


I have hesitated for awhile now in writing on my blog, only because my life seems the same today or yesterday. Then I thought; well maybe someone eles’s life is boring too and mine may be something different to read.

I don’t get out too much anymore because I have too many health issues that make doing trips not so much fun; but when I do, I take great notice in the changing of colors here in my area in the trees. I am just blown away how beautiful Fall is and I think God is just the smartest man ever, especially when he knew some of us didn’t like the cold winters coming, so he created a gorgeous Fall to come before the cold.

I have taken a lot of photos of the trees, as you probably realize since you have followed my blog for some time. I love the camera. So many times I take a photo and a few moments later that picture I saw is no longer there.

I have put out some Halloween decorations and plan on being involved this weekend with the Trick-or treat walk in our neighborhood. I am giving out single-wrapped granola bars. I hope the kids like them and I believe they will not be a Covid-19 threat to anyone. I have always enjoyed this time of year but I have to admit, I have had to push myself especially this year to get involved. I really believe this worldly virus has played some heavy attacks on our minds.

As I listen to the news, I am sad to hear that the virus is beginning to peak again here in Indiana, and already, the hospitals are seeing more cases. I wonder if we will go backwards, and start shutting the state down again.

The virus is hope to be beaten by a vaccine maybe by the end of this year. When it will be ready for all Americans; I don’t know. I am a skeptic though. I want proof. I want to see many people not have deep side-effects from this vaccine, so who is going to go first? Someone has to, I just don’t want it to be me. What about you? Are you a skeptic or are you eager to jump right in there and be one of the first?

We Are Stronger Than We Think


What do you do when you are fighting symptoms that will remain with you until death and you discover another soul in life needs your help? You pray. Yes, you pray. When you have gone the routes that I and most others have taken first, which is to figure things out yourself and then you realize you are not staying ahead of the game, you finally remember to turn to the one who will answer all of your prayers; God.

I am in that position now. Strength and will power, an inner drive to be of help to others does take its toll on a body and yet you want and at times need to push forward. Every day there is a lost soul somewhere, maybe standing or sitting right next to you. Many have too much pride to ask for help so they continue to suffer.

When the opportunity rises and you can be of help to another but you just don’t think you have the energy or the time, turn to God and ask him to help you. This is our job here on earth. It is what God wants us to do. Love and be kind to others. Talk to them about God and help them get to the point where Jesus heals them in the only way he knows best.

I will continue to pray and do what I know needs to be done. It does me good to be there for others and it takes my mind off of my own aches and pains and life’s daily problems.

We Will Move On


Slowly, Indiana is lifting the lock down. Restaurants are at fifty percent and some are not open other than drive thru. I think this is due to some fear. No one wants to get sick.

As for me, in another week, I will be able to get out in public again, according to our Governor.

Eric Joseph Holcomb is an American politician serving as the 51st and current governor of Indiana since 2017. A member of the Republican Party, he served as the 51st lieutenant governor of Indiana from 2016 to 2017 under Governor Mike Pence, now the 48th Vice President of the United States.

In my opinion, he has done his job well. I believe he really cares about us here in Indiana. I have ventured out but with caution and have stayed out of stores unless food is needed to be purchased.

Our weather here for the last few days has been filled with humidity and heat. This is not our usual May weather but instead, it is our August weather. The air conditioner has been on already and I am not happy about that because it cost money.

The topic of schools is getting bigger here. It seems like colleges will resume as normal in the Fall but I am not sure about the lower education classes. I have heard it may still be E learning. I have heard it could be a mixture of actual class time and E learning. I feel bad for the kids who actually need that stimulation of friends around them and a teacher. It will be interesting to see what happens.

High school graduation didn’t happen in a lot of schools because of the virus. Since June is arriving, I have seen that some schools are going to have actual graduations. I hope the kids get to participate in that, they sure do deserve it.

How is the virus affecting your town thus far?

Oh the Valleys we Travel Through on our way to Heaven


It seems so right that I changed the name of my blog page to Who Am I, months ago. Why? Because anymore, I don’t really know who I am.

I know I am a child of God, but here on earth, I just don’t know. I know I am a mom to three and a grandma to several, but some days, I don’t feel like a good mom. I have one child who pretty much has disowned me, it seems. I have begged, pleaded, called and text but no answers are provided for me on what I may have done.

This has turned my health upside down. My blood pressure is now messed up going higher than lower. I am stressed with sadness that keeps my veil of happiness covered by blackness.

I have apologized, sat for hours wondering what I may have said or done without realizing it may hurt others. I am getting sick and I find myself wishing I was at the end of my journey here on earth.

I snap out of that thought though because I am not really ready to die yet. I even called my primary and neurologist and have spoken to both about this up and down blood pressure problem I am having.

I know that my diagnosis has been changed from Parkinson’s to probable MSA. This sickens me. Not so much because it will shorten my life; but because I won’t be as lucky as my brother was in having a sister to take care of him. I will go through this alone with God beside me; which means I am truly not alone.

Life has not been a bowl of cherries as of the past few weeks and I am grateful that Spring as officially arrived and I can get lost in my camera once again outdoors.

Oh the valleys we travel through on our way to heaven.

cropped-terry

Filling the Gap


Paul spent most days in a routine. He began by waking promptly at five in the morning. He read a chapter in his Bible then got dressed. In the kitchen he started his coffee maker and then stared out the small window while listening to the noise of the coffee perking and inviting memories to help set his day.

After eating a bowl of oatmeal with butter and honey, he tidied up the kitchen, grabbed his jacket and hat, then headed for the garage. He guided his car to the three blocks ahead, turned down the little, gravel path and shut the car off. There, he sat for however long it took to make him feel the comfort he needed.

His wife, Anna, had been buried here seven months ago this day. She had passed a way from a grueling disease. It was a long battle and they both had not won. It was a neurological disease called Multiple System Atrophy.

Prior to this disease, their map of life had been drawn by thick, dark lines. Travels to Arizona and New Mexico had been penciled in. Sights of a large cruise ship sailing along the waters was in the making.

Then, out of the blue, Anna started running into things. Her fingers began to have a tremor in them. It seemed, as Paul remembered back, that each few months, a new symptom arrived. He could remember her first fall, her first choking, the day she got weak while tending to her flowers. Everything was crystal clear now but back then it was a train traveling fast on the rails; a real blur.

“I miss you so much Anna. Life is definitely not the same. I now no longer dream of tomorrow. In fact, I tore up that map.” Paul waited, as if for a response from Anna on what he had done. Feeling nothing, he got out of  his car and stood in front of the flowers he had planted.  When the time felt right, he got back in his car and headed home.

Once home he let the noise of the television and the chimes of his clock keep him company. In the midst of this one afternoon, a knock at the door interrupted his thoughts. Opening the door, he saw his friend  Gene standing before him. He let him in and they both sat down in the living room.

” I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you Paul. I figured I would just come on by and pay you a visit. How are you doing my friend?”

” Oh, I’m fine you know. No new aches or pains. God let me breathe in a new day. I went down and visited Anna. I told her how much I miss her.”

“That’s exactly one of the reasons I stopped by Paul. There is this woman at church that I think could use your help.”

“Oh”, Paul said as he laughed,”I’m not interested in any sort of relationship. It just hasn’t been long enough. My mind is always on my wife, Anna.”

“Oh, I didn’t mean that kind of relationship”, he said as he slapped his hand on his pants with laughter. “I mean, she is hurting. She’s got some sort of sickness. She’s been feeling all alone. She says no one understands how she feels. I figured you are a sensitive man. Maybe you could just be a good listener. This would be a good opportunity to get yourself a new friend; something to add to your day.”

Paul didn’t say anything and Gene didn’t push the topic. Instead, they turned to the weather and what the week hoped to bring. After about an hour, Gene said it was time to go. Paul walked him to the door and they patted each other on the back. “See you in church Sunday.” Paul nodded.

The days went by and Sunday arrived. Paul got his Sunday clothes on, grabbed his Bible and headed to church. He smiled and shook hands with the greeters. He spoke about nothing important to others. He headed down the aisle to his seat he sat in each Sunday. There sat his friend Gene. Beside him was his wife, Gloria and beside her was a woman sitting in a wheelchair.

She looked at him and he at her. He nodded and sat down, thumbing through the church bulletin. The choir began singing and Paul sat and thought about what was being said. He listened to the sermon which was on people helping people.

Afterwards, there was a church dinner. This church had a carry-in every couple of weeks. It was a nice time shared among all. It gave purpose to the day and week ahead. Paul found himself sitting between this lady in the wheelchair, Gloria and Gene sitting on the opposite side of the table.

Talk was light. Smiles were shared. Gene introduced the stranger. Star was her name. Paul found himself watching her as she ate. She dropped food at times. It looked like she was struggling a little with swallowing. He wondered what condition she had that made her do that. It threw him back to his memories of when his dear wife did that too.

After the dinner was done, people either helped clean-up or headed out the church doors. For a brief time, Paul and Star were the only ones left sitting at the table. They exchanged words that would not be remembered later.  Soon the silence could be heard. Everyone had left. Gene and Gloria got their coats on and the two helped Star with her coat on. They helped her to their car and Paul followed, watching them help get Star situated.

Weeks turned into months and it seemed every Sunday a new routine had been formed. Paul sat with Star and the two opened up more and in time they became good friends. Paul would share his memories of his wife and Star would share about her life and medical condition.

One Sunday, Paul had been invited over to Gene and Gloria’s house for dinner. When he arrived and being let in; he noticed immediately that Star had been invited also. Paul didn’t get upset. Instead, he found himself sitting next to her on the couch. The two chatted while dinner was being finished. In face, the two chatted so much, Gene couldn’t help but smile to himself, knowing he had made a good decision on introducing the two.

The following Monday, after Paul returned from his visit to see his wife, the phone was ringing as he walked through the door. He answered it to learn that Star had fallen and was in the hospital.

He felt a tug at his heart that he didn’t expect to feel. He thanked the caller and went about fixing himself his lunch. This consisted of some left-over baked chicken and a half of a baked potato he hadn’t eaten before.

He tidied up and decided to go to the hospital to see Star. He learned she had fallen out of her wheelchair while trying to reach for something and this fall had caused a broken hip. After the completion of the ER, Star was transferred to a room upstairs for a few days of observation and to make sure she was healing properly.

After that time went by, she was transferred to a local nursing home for rehabilitation. Paul learned she would be their approximately six weeks. Now, after his usual routine of daily living, he also added the daily visits to see Star.

He brought her little trinkets that sometimes included her favorite candy, or a new book to read. He stayed most days until the supper hour. He found himself wishing he didn’t have to leave. Star felt the same way. She couldn’t hide the fact  from herself that Paul brought her friendship which included a feeling of peace and a lingering to have the next day’s visit arrive.

There seemed to be a lighter step in Paul’s life. He told himself over and over he didn’t love Star. He could love no other woman except his Anna, but yet, this new friend, stirred something within him.

After a couple of weeks went by, Paul made his usual visit. He entered the empty room. Where was Star, he wondered. He walked out to the nurse’s station to learn that Star had been having a temperature and her lungs seemed congested. They had her transferred to the hospital for further investigation. Paul thanked the nurse for the information.

He took the one rose he had brought with him and laid it gently on the pillow of the made bed of Stars. He left the building and headed for the hospital. When he entered, he asked what room number she was in. The receptionist told him and he took the elevators to the fourth floor.

There was Star. She was laying in a bed. IV’s were hooked up to  her. He saw two of them. A monitor was keeping track of her blood pressure and heart rate. Star wasn’t talking. She was so quiet it scared Paul.

A nurse came in and checked on Star. She smiled at Paul but said nothing. Paul pulled up a chair close to Star. He watched her sleeping. His thoughts turned to prayers to the almighty God. He felt a tear drip on his folded hands. He knew in his heart that he had come to know and love this woman.

He started whispering to Star. He told her how he felt about her. ” I don’t know when it happened dear Star, but some where along the way, I grew feelings for you. I hope you can hear me. I just have to tell you this because I want to know if you feel anything for me other than friendship.”

He held her hand but nothing came out of her mouth. He sat there for hours, waiting for her to open her eyes. Suddenly her eyes twitched and she opened them. She looked at him but said nothing. Instead, she squeezed his hand. He took this as she was answering his question, that yes, she felt something for  him too.

Paul squeezed her hand back and then kissed her hand. He beamed and the two shared an emotion that would never be felt again. Paul finally decided he had to leave. His watch told him it was time for supper. He leaned in and kissed her forehead and whispered that he would be back the next day. Star closed her eyes and went back to sleep.

Paul stopped at a small restaurant that served home-cooking. He ordered the special, meatloaf dinner. In this was a thick piece of meatloaf which included mashed potatoes and green beans. It was way too much food and he requested a take-home box for the leftovers.

When he arrived home, he turned the television on. He tuned in to some game show. He listened to it but kept thinking about what would Anna be thinking about Star. He fell asleep and was woken to the sound of the phone.

“Paul, I’m going to stop by in a few minutes. Get your coat and hat and be ready to go. There’s been a change at the hospital with Star. You and I are going to go visit her.” Paul hung up and got ready.

In no time at all they went through the double doors of the hospital and were standing in the doorway of Star’s room. Two nurses were in there. They saw Paul and Gene and hung their heads in silence. They took the white sheet and covered Star’s body then walked up to her friends and patted them on the back. “I’m sorry gentlemen. She just couldn’t fight it anymore. The infection in her lungs just got too big.” The nurses gave them a hug and walked out of the room.

Paul and Gene walked over to the bed. Paul reached down and felt Star’s hand through the sheet. He held it until Gene whispered ,”It’s time to go I think.” Paul let go of her hand and kissed his palm and transferred it to  her forehead. The two turned and left in silence, Gene’s arm around Paul’s shoulder, patting him, like everything is going to be okay.

 

Will everything be okay? Is death something that we can heal from?

Is it possible to love twice in a life time? 

Life sure doesn’t seem fair at times does it?

God placed us on this earth to learn and feel love towards others. For those of us who have experienced these feelings, we somehow manage to go on with our lives, but the void left behind never fully closes.

This story was written by;

Terry Shepherd

02/21/2019