Getting my ducks all in a row


There is something about a snow storm coming. First things first, when I learn that there is a storm warning. I make sure I have enough food, which has to include, in-date milk, bread and eggs. I can make tons of things from scratch with eggs. Next, I check my stock of toilet paper. Can I make it for an extra day, maybe a week? How much do I use in a days’ time? lol

After going through my list, I clean my home up. I catch up on laundry, in case water lines bust. I dust and sweep because I may not be able to see the dust in the dark and what if I lose electricity? Could I mentally stand having dirt on my carpet? lol Then I gather all of my candles together and place one in each room. Why would I do this? Well, I hate to use the ladies room and not be able to see where to use TP!!! I place two in the living room, because of course that will light up that area plus the kitchen. After all, how would I be able to use those three extra dozen eggs I bought?After everything is in its place and I am zonked from preparing for this wicked storm the media has warned me about, I must take a bath.

Wait, I would have to have help getting out of the tub. I better stick to my shower and shower chair. After all, who wants to be enclosed either alone or with family smelling myself. That would just ruin everything because then I would have to start worrying if anyone else can smell me and what are they thinking that they are not saying out loud.Now, I have everything done. Food is here, home is cleaned, I am clean. Time to grab something to eat, yes, anything but eggs. I may have to be forced to eat those for days. Remember what mom said, don’t waste food, and there ARE three dozen eggs sitting in my fridge now.I take my food and go in the living room and flip on the TV.

After all, later I may lose my electricity and I want to make sure I catch up with everything I watch, you know, just in case.I start to drift off. I get up and place my dirty dishes in the sink. Should I wash these few dishes? After all, I may not have water soon. No, I am too tired. Screw the dishes. They will be there , they are always there, waiting for me.I brush my teeth, and use the pot and go to my bedroom. I pull back the covers and take off my slippers and climb into my nice, soft flannel sheets. Wonder if I should have changed sheets and did an extra load of laundry. I laugh at myself as I think I am starting to sound a little off my rocker

. I turn my fan on and cover up to my neck. Sleep comes fast and I don’t wake up until morning.I don’t care about my blood pressure and staying still for a minute, I jump up and throw open the drapes. I am so disappointed. The grass is still green. The winds drifted farther north than was told, and the snow missed us. Oh well, I am clean. I have plenty to eat, the laundry is done, so back to sleep I go. Thank you media, for helping me get my ducks all in a row.

Written by,Terry Shepherd

I am ready for you!


I founded this blog when my brother was very ill. I had so many emotions bottled up inside, it was making me a wreck. I prayed often for God to help me through this trial of times and he led me to Blog world. I had never heard of a blog, but since he led me to it, I would learn it.

It was a wonderful place to sit and write my feelings. I could post exactly how I was feeling, knowing I was healing as my brother was suffering, does that make sense? Or maybe I was preparing myself for the dreaded end.

I wrote often, and eventually wrote two books. One was published right after my brother’s death. It is called Dahlia. Today, I don’t understand how I wrote the book, considering I watched helplessly while my brother got more ill.

I later wrote and published one more book. I have another book started. I think there are twenty-two chapters to it, but I have not had the urge to continue. Hopefully, I will begin writing towards the end of it sooner than later.

I primarily write on my blog now for more intertwining with blogging friends and Facebook friends. I started a new idea on here by asking one new question about you. Nothing personal or embarrassing, just fun. I also have another page here at WordPress, for my recipes I find that I think you may like.

The year of 2020 began to get difficult to remain motivated. The Covid, and my pain helps to slow my life down. Stumbling and staggering isn’t any fun neither and so life has just changed for me.

I just don’t have the umpp to get going. I actually get mad at myself for not filling up a day with activities and yet I do nothing to change the situation. I sweep and rearrange smaller things, I bake goodies, so I do do things but I don’t fill up days. I am hoping Spring will make a difference and I can use my walker and take a walk around here. I want to sit on my porch again too.

Life isn’t grand like some people say it is. I hurt daily and it’s winter, so look out Spring, I am ready for you!

What are things you love about Spring?

Santa of 2020


Santa of 2020

What’s in Santa’s bag this year for you?

Could it be re-gifted or something brand new?

2020 has been forced on us, don’t take that train nor the bus

Stay home and become a teacher, forget all the make-up, forget the fuss.

Trade in your work clothes and wear something comfy

Laze on the couch that’s getting quite lumpy

.Forget the lessons, the piano and dance

Gather together, sing and laugh, take a chance!

The kids can see Santa, but not sit on his lap

They’ll look through the bubble, and the glass they shall tap

.They’ll hold up their paper with their Christmas list

Hoping Santa can read it and bring them their wish

.Grandma may not come and pinch those dear cheeks

Auntie won’t be there, she’s in a hospital under those sheets

.Our families will gather around the table this year

It will be more quiet, less people to cheer

.We’ll look at each other as we eat from our plates

Not knowing what to say, but it isn’t too late.

This year we can start knowing those living with in

The four walls of our house, that’s where it begins.

We’ll listen to each other and smile then grin

As we begin chatting, causing sadness to dim

.Santa may not deliver the usual Christmas bling

Instead he delivered a family, filled with love and peace.

Written by,Terry Shepherd

December, 12, 2020

A Cheap Shower Curtain Says it All


The strangest things pop in my head at times. I blame this on the fact that I am a constant thinker. I actually was in the ladies’ room and was sitting on the throne. I looked at the shower curtain as I probably do most times, but saw things I hadn’t seen before.

I bought this shower curtain three weeks ago. It is in the blue hues and is checkered. It isn’t anything fancy and was a product of WalMart. Suddenly I took notice of the inside of the checker pattern. There is scribbles of a gold enhancer so it is supposed to look like water trickling down the curtain but I saw something different. I saw crosses. Yes, there was a cross in each square, all in gold. I had no problem detailing each one and as you looked outside of the checks, you could see straight lines along with wrinkles from how the curtain rest against the tub.

I was putting a puzzle together. I saw my life as I walked down the straight and narrow, sometimes running into bumps but, always ahead, I could see the gold cross. I knew that I was not alone on this travel called life. God is always with me and beside me. He is right there for you and for me. He is only waiting for us to seek him out.

Isn’t that good to know? With the changes in our world today, that aren’t all good, we can count on not being alone. This brings me inner peace. With this pandemic, it is easy to feel very alone, but we aren’t. When you can see the proof in a cheap, WalMart shower curtain, you know that God is real. Hugs everyone.

Photo taken by me.

Filling the Gap


Paul spent most days in a routine. He began by waking promptly at five in the morning. He read a chapter in his Bible then got dressed. In the kitchen he started his coffee maker and then stared out the small window while listening to the noise of the coffee perking and inviting memories to help set his day.

After eating a bowl of oatmeal with butter and honey, he tidied up the kitchen, grabbed his jacket and hat, then headed for the garage. He guided his car to the three blocks ahead, turned down the little, gravel path and shut the car off. There, he sat for however long it took to make him feel the comfort he needed.

His wife, Anna, had been buried here seven months ago this day. She had passed a way from a grueling disease. It was a long battle and they both had not won. It was a neurological disease called Multiple System Atrophy.

Prior to this disease, their map of life had been drawn by thick, dark lines. Travels to Arizona and New Mexico had been penciled in. Sights of a large cruise ship sailing along the waters was in the making.

Then, out of the blue, Anna started running into things. Her fingers began to have a tremor in them. It seemed, as Paul remembered back, that each few months, a new symptom arrived. He could remember her first fall, her first choking, the day she got weak while tending to her flowers. Everything was crystal clear now but back then it was a train traveling fast on the rails; a real blur.

“I miss you so much Anna. Life is definitely not the same. I now no longer dream of tomorrow. In fact, I tore up that map.” Paul waited, as if for a response from Anna on what he had done. Feeling nothing, he got out of  his car and stood in front of the flowers he had planted.  When the time felt right, he got back in his car and headed home.

Once home he let the noise of the television and the chimes of his clock keep him company. In the midst of this one afternoon, a knock at the door interrupted his thoughts. Opening the door, he saw his friend  Gene standing before him. He let him in and they both sat down in the living room.

” I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you Paul. I figured I would just come on by and pay you a visit. How are you doing my friend?”

” Oh, I’m fine you know. No new aches or pains. God let me breathe in a new day. I went down and visited Anna. I told her how much I miss her.”

“That’s exactly one of the reasons I stopped by Paul. There is this woman at church that I think could use your help.”

“Oh”, Paul said as he laughed,”I’m not interested in any sort of relationship. It just hasn’t been long enough. My mind is always on my wife, Anna.”

“Oh, I didn’t mean that kind of relationship”, he said as he slapped his hand on his pants with laughter. “I mean, she is hurting. She’s got some sort of sickness. She’s been feeling all alone. She says no one understands how she feels. I figured you are a sensitive man. Maybe you could just be a good listener. This would be a good opportunity to get yourself a new friend; something to add to your day.”

Paul didn’t say anything and Gene didn’t push the topic. Instead, they turned to the weather and what the week hoped to bring. After about an hour, Gene said it was time to go. Paul walked him to the door and they patted each other on the back. “See you in church Sunday.” Paul nodded.

The days went by and Sunday arrived. Paul got his Sunday clothes on, grabbed his Bible and headed to church. He smiled and shook hands with the greeters. He spoke about nothing important to others. He headed down the aisle to his seat he sat in each Sunday. There sat his friend Gene. Beside him was his wife, Gloria and beside her was a woman sitting in a wheelchair.

She looked at him and he at her. He nodded and sat down, thumbing through the church bulletin. The choir began singing and Paul sat and thought about what was being said. He listened to the sermon which was on people helping people.

Afterwards, there was a church dinner. This church had a carry-in every couple of weeks. It was a nice time shared among all. It gave purpose to the day and week ahead. Paul found himself sitting between this lady in the wheelchair, Gloria and Gene sitting on the opposite side of the table.

Talk was light. Smiles were shared. Gene introduced the stranger. Star was her name. Paul found himself watching her as she ate. She dropped food at times. It looked like she was struggling a little with swallowing. He wondered what condition she had that made her do that. It threw him back to his memories of when his dear wife did that too.

After the dinner was done, people either helped clean-up or headed out the church doors. For a brief time, Paul and Star were the only ones left sitting at the table. They exchanged words that would not be remembered later.  Soon the silence could be heard. Everyone had left. Gene and Gloria got their coats on and the two helped Star with her coat on. They helped her to their car and Paul followed, watching them help get Star situated.

Weeks turned into months and it seemed every Sunday a new routine had been formed. Paul sat with Star and the two opened up more and in time they became good friends. Paul would share his memories of his wife and Star would share about her life and medical condition.

One Sunday, Paul had been invited over to Gene and Gloria’s house for dinner. When he arrived and being let in; he noticed immediately that Star had been invited also. Paul didn’t get upset. Instead, he found himself sitting next to her on the couch. The two chatted while dinner was being finished. In face, the two chatted so much, Gene couldn’t help but smile to himself, knowing he had made a good decision on introducing the two.

The following Monday, after Paul returned from his visit to see his wife, the phone was ringing as he walked through the door. He answered it to learn that Star had fallen and was in the hospital.

He felt a tug at his heart that he didn’t expect to feel. He thanked the caller and went about fixing himself his lunch. This consisted of some left-over baked chicken and a half of a baked potato he hadn’t eaten before.

He tidied up and decided to go to the hospital to see Star. He learned she had fallen out of her wheelchair while trying to reach for something and this fall had caused a broken hip. After the completion of the ER, Star was transferred to a room upstairs for a few days of observation and to make sure she was healing properly.

After that time went by, she was transferred to a local nursing home for rehabilitation. Paul learned she would be their approximately six weeks. Now, after his usual routine of daily living, he also added the daily visits to see Star.

He brought her little trinkets that sometimes included her favorite candy, or a new book to read. He stayed most days until the supper hour. He found himself wishing he didn’t have to leave. Star felt the same way. She couldn’t hide the fact  from herself that Paul brought her friendship which included a feeling of peace and a lingering to have the next day’s visit arrive.

There seemed to be a lighter step in Paul’s life. He told himself over and over he didn’t love Star. He could love no other woman except his Anna, but yet, this new friend, stirred something within him.

After a couple of weeks went by, Paul made his usual visit. He entered the empty room. Where was Star, he wondered. He walked out to the nurse’s station to learn that Star had been having a temperature and her lungs seemed congested. They had her transferred to the hospital for further investigation. Paul thanked the nurse for the information.

He took the one rose he had brought with him and laid it gently on the pillow of the made bed of Stars. He left the building and headed for the hospital. When he entered, he asked what room number she was in. The receptionist told him and he took the elevators to the fourth floor.

There was Star. She was laying in a bed. IV’s were hooked up to  her. He saw two of them. A monitor was keeping track of her blood pressure and heart rate. Star wasn’t talking. She was so quiet it scared Paul.

A nurse came in and checked on Star. She smiled at Paul but said nothing. Paul pulled up a chair close to Star. He watched her sleeping. His thoughts turned to prayers to the almighty God. He felt a tear drip on his folded hands. He knew in his heart that he had come to know and love this woman.

He started whispering to Star. He told her how he felt about her. ” I don’t know when it happened dear Star, but some where along the way, I grew feelings for you. I hope you can hear me. I just have to tell you this because I want to know if you feel anything for me other than friendship.”

He held her hand but nothing came out of her mouth. He sat there for hours, waiting for her to open her eyes. Suddenly her eyes twitched and she opened them. She looked at him but said nothing. Instead, she squeezed his hand. He took this as she was answering his question, that yes, she felt something for  him too.

Paul squeezed her hand back and then kissed her hand. He beamed and the two shared an emotion that would never be felt again. Paul finally decided he had to leave. His watch told him it was time for supper. He leaned in and kissed her forehead and whispered that he would be back the next day. Star closed her eyes and went back to sleep.

Paul stopped at a small restaurant that served home-cooking. He ordered the special, meatloaf dinner. In this was a thick piece of meatloaf which included mashed potatoes and green beans. It was way too much food and he requested a take-home box for the leftovers.

When he arrived home, he turned the television on. He tuned in to some game show. He listened to it but kept thinking about what would Anna be thinking about Star. He fell asleep and was woken to the sound of the phone.

“Paul, I’m going to stop by in a few minutes. Get your coat and hat and be ready to go. There’s been a change at the hospital with Star. You and I are going to go visit her.” Paul hung up and got ready.

In no time at all they went through the double doors of the hospital and were standing in the doorway of Star’s room. Two nurses were in there. They saw Paul and Gene and hung their heads in silence. They took the white sheet and covered Star’s body then walked up to her friends and patted them on the back. “I’m sorry gentlemen. She just couldn’t fight it anymore. The infection in her lungs just got too big.” The nurses gave them a hug and walked out of the room.

Paul and Gene walked over to the bed. Paul reached down and felt Star’s hand through the sheet. He held it until Gene whispered ,”It’s time to go I think.” Paul let go of her hand and kissed his palm and transferred it to  her forehead. The two turned and left in silence, Gene’s arm around Paul’s shoulder, patting him, like everything is going to be okay.

 

Will everything be okay? Is death something that we can heal from?

Is it possible to love twice in a life time? 

Life sure doesn’t seem fair at times does it?

God placed us on this earth to learn and feel love towards others. For those of us who have experienced these feelings, we somehow manage to go on with our lives, but the void left behind never fully closes.

This story was written by;

Terry Shepherd

02/21/2019

Ah, The Hell With It


When you look in the mirror
Do you see horror or do you laugh
Do you recognize the person
Or do you feel you’ve been given the shaft?
 
When you crawl out of bed
Do you do it with ease
Or do you stop and fumble
Feels like falling to the knees.
 
If you rolled up your hair
And put make-up on your face
Do you think this would help
Make you feel part of the race?
 
When you go potty first thing
Do you look at your skin
Have you noticed the bags
That hang from your shins?
 
When you slip into clothes
Do you go for the look
Or do you put clothes on for comfort
Like a fish on a hook.
 
When you turn on the TV
And you see those faces
Does it make you want to go out
Buying up all make-up places?
 
I went through my stages
Of trying to keep up
Now I’ve decided to be comfy
And quit wondering what’s up.
 
Written by,.
Terry Shepherd
terry

2018-2019


The time has come to say goodbye
Not forever; not going to keep those memories shy.
It’s a new year you see, everyone waiting
Excitement definitely seems escalating.
 
 
For me it may be different than for you
I won’t be partying as you do.
I move forward with caution; eyes wide open.
Hope in my heart, feeling memories again.
 
 
I will pray for a closer walk with him up above
I will share what I have and give to all those I love.
I will sometimes sit alone, a choice I will make
And run the movie of memories which I have made.
 
 
So I say to you, two thousand eighteen
It’s been a trip; one I’ve never seen.
I will welcome in two thousand nineteen
With hope in my heart and a soul that gleams.
 
Written by,
Terry Shepherd
terry

Merry Freakin Christmas!!!!


Tis the Christmas season. Time to be stressed, underpaid, overworked and the biggest, pretend smile ever right? Nah, some really do enjoy that push and shove time of year. The time the gift you are holding and thinking to yourself, “Will they like this?”, and the lady behind you yanks it right out of your hand.

The time of year that you definitely have that grocery list of the most needed items and you find that the prices have doubled since last week. Makes you want to let the cart remain right there in the middle of the aisle and let people go around it if they want to shop. You are definitely leaving without the filled list and going to the neighborhood bar.

Remember that Christmas a few years back when you worked the hardest ever on that special candy recipe. You only had a few more degrees to raise the candy thermometer to when suddenly the front doorbell rang? You looked at the boiling candy. You thought how rude it would be to not answer the door, especially when every, stinking light was on in the house. You decide to answer it and gently and politely tell the person that you can’t chat; to come back at another time. You aren’t interested in any sales pitch.

You hurry to the door, brushing the hairs away from your face. You open it and to your surprise it is the members from your church that you have attended for over twenty years. They start singing Christmas carols. Oh my gosh! My candy! My friends. You put on that fake smile and you prop one leg on the other as if you have to pee real bad. When they are finished; you return to that black boiled, stuck on pan of candy.

Hey! Wait a darn, picking minute! It’s your life too, right? You can make decisions at this time of year also, right? Just do what I do. Don’t open the door. Turn the lights on low. Only cook after everyone is in bed. Turn your favorite Christmas music on. Grab a cup of hot chocolate. Prop your feet up. Breathe deep and smile. Hug the night.

Merry Christmas my friends!

 

The Visit


THE VISIT
 
I can’t get it out of my mind. I keep thinking about the dream I had last night.
 
With the illness I have; I usually have terrible nightmares, always waking up before I die, but to see my brother in my dream and be able to talk to him was bigger than anything I have experienced.
 
I am a thinker by nature so it is not unusual for me to have been pondering on how I made this dream happen. Can I make it happen again?
 
Alvin was healed. He was standing tall. He wasn’t crying and he didn’t act afraid of life. He smiled that big, familiar smile I always saw.
 
We talked. In my dream it didn’t seem like we chatted for a very lengthy period, before I woke up, but I remembered it and i still remember it.
 
I have definitely moved on since his passing. I have managed to hide my tears and sadness. I have laughed among friends. This is the part that has moved on.
 
There is an injured snail crawling inside my spirit though. The feelers come out when I am all alone and this is when it seems like only yesterday; I walked into his bedroom and found he had passed.
 
The dagger still punctures my soul and heart. The eyes well up instantly. I sit. I remember. I cry. I don’t think we ever truly get over the death of a loved one.
 
I don’t know if we ever heal completely. It is complete though. He was born. He lived. He passed. I think there is a bigger torture when there is no final stage of life.
 
When friends or family hurt us and it is never settled. That sword just keeps twisting and stabbing. The mind rolls over big hills and stumbles over boulders as we try to find peace that is now broken.
 
How do we go forward? How do we hide the memories of what once made us smile. How do we hide the tears in our daily living?
 
It is so difficult but this is something each of us has to deal with and lay to rest. God placed us here to send the message out to others about his love.
 
God gave us feelings so we can love and hurt and hug and smile and heal. God gave us ears so we can listen to his message, a body who can accept a hug from another person.
 
We must give these heavy burdens to God. We need to carry our faith in large baskets, and know that whatever the problem; God will carry us through it. We have to believe this.
 
Other wise, we will be injured creatures, walking this earth, thinking only of our pain. We will not be able to reach out to others who need us or are hurting.
 
This dream that I was honored to be a part of was a wonderful vision. A gift from God you might say. I have told God so many times how my life will never be the same, how much I miss my brother.
 
God showed me last night, in my dream, that no matter what pain I am going through in my waking hours, he is right there, holding my hand, guiding me and showing me his love.
 
Thank-you God, for allowing the visit to happen between me and my brother.
 
Written by,
Terry Shepherd
October, 15, 2018
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God’s Got This


It’s been a rough couple of weeks for me. Many doctor appointments. Doctors of specialty trying to fix my unsteady gait problem. No one has been able to help; though I do appreciate the efforts.

 

Many times Neurological problems can not be helped. Doctors can not fix the brain while we are still living in most cases. I have had my eyes and prescription changed and I got new glasses and frames too.

 

Next week I go to my Primary care doctor for lab work to see how my sugar levels have been and how I am doing on my insulin. I am still struggling to keep my sugars down so I have to wonder what will happen next. I, myself, believe with the fight I have to keep steady sugars, that perhaps after thirty-eight years of being a Diabetic; my pancreas is failing. Time will tell if my thoughts are on the right path or not. In November; I go back to my second Neurologist for a re-evaluation.

 

I have had personal issues along with doctor visits. I have been so sad that I can’t make everything in my life correct. I was having a wonderful luncheon with a good friend of mine Wednesday.

 

I just love spending time with this gal. She is relaxed, a good Christian, and we can talk about anything. I had been telling her about what has been happening in my life lately and she said something that turned my thinking a 360.

 

She said, “Maybe you are being tested by God to see if your faith will hold strong during these times of struggles.”

 

Bingo! I knew as soon as she said it; that she was right. I suddenly relaxed and I thanked God for allowing this friend in my life that day. I am still having my issues; but I have a whole new outlook. I am giving my problems to God and letting him deal with it.

 

Back to my living. I am living with a smile and hope , knowing God’s got this!

daisy