I am a Nut in a Shell


I woke-up early in a good mood. After sitting in bed a few minutes I decided I really wasn’t ready to get up. I laid back down and slept another hour. This time I had to get  up and was ready also.

I took my shot and my medications then drank my first cup of coffee. I turned on a movie that I had seen last night on the news. It was called, Abducted Twice in Daylight; I think. It was about this small town where everyone knew and were good friends.

A neighbor and his family had moved in next door. The two families became close friends, sharing their lives together like most neighbors do. What happened from there, didn’t really shock me but I was more into what is going on in the minds of sick people. It was a movie I watched to the end.

I don’t know if I have ever been that trusting in my entire life to  have made some of the decisions these parents of the kidnapped girl did. Maybe I have a more suspicious mind. It seems to me that in this movie, things would have got nipped in the bud long before people’s lives got hurt. You will have to check this movie out and let me know what you think.

The next thing I did was get dressed and put on some make-up. I have been applying make-up to cover some of the age spots I have. I have always had a fear of dying and getting old. Don’t ask me why. I already know I am going to heaven and I realize I can’t stop the process.

I went into the bathroom and tried to do something with my hair. I actually hate my hair cut I got a few months back. It didn’t turn out like I wanted at all. I may have already mentioned this in a prior post, but after the hair cut cutting began; I learned the stylist was new. A nightmare is what I call it. It can only grow out in my opinion.

I used a mirror to see the back of my hair in the bigger mirror. I almost fell over and I felt my jaw drop big. What I saw was this hugs area of small thinning, maybe bald spots. Oh my gosh. I am getting old.

Instantly, any good thoughts about how I looked at myself were gone. I wanted to change my clothes back to bed clothes and hide under my covers. My opinion of myself as being outgoing and not too bad looking for almost being 65, and the thoughts that there are others heavier than me, came tumbling down like and eruption of boulders falling to the road.

I did the best that I could. I decided then and there I would not color my hair a darker shade anymore. I would let it go back to its natural blonde. This way the baldness wouldn’t be so bold.

I put everything away, and got me a cup of coffee. Here I set at the computer talking to you and yet my heart is still sinking and my self-worth is almost shot. I always wanted to be accepted, a thing from my childhood. I always wanted people to know that I was a compassionate, caring and empathetic woman. Why in the world do I want to hide myself now over bald spots?

 

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Why Don’t People Follow the Rules?


Hello my friends. Today was not fun so far. It sleeted overnight and I had to go to the doctor for lab work. It wasn’t fun and I drove like a turtle. I kept thinking, ” you all go around me, I don’t care.”

 

Afterwards I went to work but there was no work available so I drove back home. I have to go back to the doctor’s this afternoon for my results, hoping the roads will be better. When I came home, someone other than who lives here, had parked in my spot. This is a private area parking and usually when this happens, someone from a business beside me is parking in my spot.

 

I have to get out of my car and go up several steps and go inside and ask who is parking in my spot. Someone always raises their hand and says they were just going to be a minute. I tell them, it’s private, and for them to park on the street. They usually laugh and ignore me. Today was worse though. The car didn’t belong to the business next door and I had to end up parking in front on the street. A lot longer walk for me and I almost fell twice. I talked to management and they said they would look into it.

 

Why can’t people follow the rules? Why do they think they are special? Then to pretty much laugh me off. It upsets me because I struggle to walk anyways and on top of ice is worse.

 

It seems that a lot of people don’t follow the rules. Children killed near me because someone didn’t pay attention to the school bus arm and was on their phone instead. People killing others. People killing school kids.

Using illegal drugs. Buying guns underground. Stealing, cheating. I could go on and on. Why do these people do these things? It’s so frustrating to me. I’m not perfect by far but I try to follow the rules.

 

This world is suffering. Our government is throwing tantrums. This is a great way to kick off 2019, don’t you think?

 

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And it Has Arrived; New Year’s Eve


Like snow in your winter days? Then don’t come visit Indiana. We have nothing but above normal temps and rain. It can be a gloomy time or you can huddle in your favorite P.J.s and watch a movie, write on your blog or play on FB, like I am.

 

I met-up with my girlfriend this morning and we shared breakfast and chat. I love the time we spend together and when I am driving home I think; where did that time go? No matter how often we see each other, we have never ran out of topics to talk about.

 

Now back at home, I did a load of laundry and changed the sheets on the bed. The apartment looks pretty good from the vigorous cleaning I had been giving it the past two days. For today, New Year’s eve, it is my day to do as I wish.

 

I don’t know of any scheduled events in the community room for tonight but I don’t care. If I feel like going downstairs this evening, I will grab something to eat and take it down. Hopefully, someone will be down there.

 

There is such hype and money spent on this holiday but the key word is “couples.” Very few living in my building have a significant other, so there won’t be that big partying going on here. Besides, I have sort of outgrown? that party urge to stay up until midnight to watch a glitter ball drop from the sky. I would rather be in my “comfy” clothes and crawl under my covers when I am ready.

 

I prepared a meatloaf yesterday. Today I will bake it along with a potato. Served with my favorite, green beans, this will be my New Year’s eve dinner. This means meatloaf leftovers for a few days and no big-time cooking for me. Yeah!

 

What are your plans for this evening?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Look into the Depth


It isn’t what you see in front of you. It’s what you see in depth. A stressful time of year for most. Even the television ads push stress.

The whole idea is to stay calm, remain calm, even though you feel as if you are the topper on a spinner toy. How can anyone know how you feel? They don’t live your life. They don’t walk in your shoes.

While kiddies are getting pumped full of Christmas toy thoughts, some of us are stuck in the Sad lane. A loved one may have just passed or maybe a loved one is ill. Maybe there are people missing from the table this year.

Perhaps the family dog went to heaven, or there was a car accident a friend was involved with. Maybe there is gossip going on at your work. Anything is possible and so many things happen. We are eventually caught up in something that can take us away from our day.

The only way to get through our life tragedies is to have roots in solid ground. A faith we can fall back on. Words of wisdom, our Bibles, a close friend we can tell anything to.

When things look bad, don’t see the surface, don’t panic. Let your feelings go deep. Feel the depth of your foundation. Get into it. Let it slide through your soul. Tomorrow is a brand new day.

 

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A Bitchy Day, Darn it!


I hurt my back Sunday evening. I have babied it and taken Ibuprofin for a few days. I went back to my volunteer job today after missing Monday and was there about an hour when the pain reared its head.

I had some Ibuprofin with me so took two and went about my shift. Now, I am a bitchy, short-fused, in pain, woman. I don’t want to talk to anyone, see anyone. I just want to be mad.

I look around at my living room and it is filled with boxes, Christmas wrapping paper, tape, scissors, unwrapped gifts and plain old mess. I hate mess. I am a neat freak person. For this reason, I will be glad when Christmas is over? No, maybe just glad when these gifts are wrapped and delivered.

How did one little back swelling set me off for the rest of my day? I don’t know. A couple of years ago I leaned back on some pillows to watch TV. When I lifted my body back into a sitting up position, something pinged and my mouth opened wide in pain. I babied it for about a week and it finally got healed, but if I do something to use my back in that area, boom, it is back, the pain I mean.

I look at my kitchen and I see the papers there with the recipes I want to make for the holiday baking, but I don’t go do it. I just don’t know what is wrong with me these days. I am tired. I mean I am tired beginning a few hours after I wake. I don’t know if it is my illness, my age, or what, but I get sick of being tired. I could take three naps a day, every day if I could.

Well, I surely hope your Wednesday is smoother than mine. I am ready to get my P.J.’s on but it isn’t bedtime, besides, I am doing laundry. So, how is your day going?

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What Would you Do?


How do you react and what do you do when you run into someone who used to be considered your best friend? What about a relative that you were close to and then when life changes your circumstances; the relative changes their personality towards you? Has this ever happened to you?

 

It has to me. I have never been so  hurt, emotionally, as when my father passed a way and my family turned their backs on me. It wasn’t something that I did to change their views. It was my father’s choices in his will. You know the words, I leave this to this person and that to that person.

 

I don’t know what my dad was thinking because I have not been close to dying yet and therefore I could not begin to read his mind in those final months. He knew though and he knew the feelings he was carrying.

 

Choices he had picked in previous years suddenly seemed to take a different direction; the closer to death’s door he became. He obviously had discussed us kids to different family members when his life was full of living.

 

I also don’t believe that people who are close to dying and want to make their final decisions go a different route, exactly discuss such personal issues with others. I believe this is exactly what happened in my father’s case. He changed his mind.

My father passed away, December 1st, 2017.101_0626

It took a year and a half to settle everything and from that date on; life changed. It has never gone back. There is no family to talk to anymore.

 

I’m not whining so don’t feel sorry for me. I didn’t make those choices. Others made their own decisions to stay a way from me. It hurts when I think about it so I don’t try to think about it too often. A tear appears as I write this today; but I will get through it. I always do.

 

My point is; the way we treat people. I have been talking about this on my own Facebook page for a couple of days, so this is the end of the topic. The thinking I want you to take away from this is; is it worth it? Is it really worth it to turn your back on an old friend or a family member?

 

I bet you think I will say it’s right or wrong. I can’t say that because I don’t know how I would feel if suddenly someone from my past wanted to talk to me today. I guess my first thought would be; What do they want?

 

I guess I would be suspicious, let a little hopeful for a re-uniting? I don’t know. For me, for these past several years, silence is better. Less hurt, less tears, less remembering, less pain.

 

So, what would you do if you ran into that old friend or that relative you haven’t spoken to for years?

Those Three Little Words


I didn’t sleep well at all last night. I am a big dreamer now a days. Usually they are nightmares but last night it was an eye opener. Do you ever have those dead stop eye opening moments? I don’t know if it’s good or not but I have not had them and now that I have had one; it has changed my view and thoughts forever more.

 

It happened so smoothly, it inched its way into my brain so softly that I didn’t even feel it happening. One sentence stated at an earlier moment and now as I lay my head down to sleep for the night, comes to me, opens the window to the mind, and sits staring me right in the face.

 

There is no denying, no place to run, no more excuses. I have to accept. So this is what I dreamed of all night and it woke me several times. This morning I feel almost like a friend who has lost their best friend. I see you but I don’t know you.

 

I know all there is or I thought I did and now I look at you through a clean window and I see no streaks. The truth shines through and now I must relax within and quit all the foolish ideas that up until now I thought would always work if only I worked hard enough to make it happen.

 

It almost feels like the burden of guilt of over trying has been a weight lifted from my small shoulders. I can brush off the dead leaves and bare branches. I can smile and not feel guilt for not sharing in your thoughts. I can feel relief as I know where you and I truly stand in our small corner of the world.

 

I can flake off the responsibility of believing it is I who has to fix things that happen in life. This is not for me to do or decide. My whole being has but one thing I must still continue to do. I will continue to pray. Pray that God helps light the path you walk on and shows you that there is a better way to find what all seek in this world.  For me, I want to say thank-you God. I will now pick myself up and search for those three little words in life called; Live, love, laugh.

 

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The Fairy Tale


Fairy tales, lust and love. Somewhere in your younger years you thought of these three things. The dress in white. The man in the tux.ball-gown-empire-wedding-dresses_1

The days of thinking of no one else but him/her. The nights of lovemaking under the stars. The house, the babies, the laughter then the tears.

 

Why, why does this happen? You were so in love? If I had the answers; I may not be divorced today. I don’t know why things change. Perhaps the bills start things out. Companies having their handout for money.

 

Work and more work to make sure there is adequate money to cover bills, food, insurance, gas and of course; I could go on and on.

 

Somewhere the glitter leaves and reality sets in. Sometimes marriage counseling prior to the wedding helps. It helps set the goals of what each wants to bring to the relationship. Even then, this doesn’t always help.

 

The world is full of glitter in black masks.blackmask

It comes in many styles such as stress, overweight, insecurities, failure and many more. There is always someone out there leering near by, watching your eyes, and feeling your losses. They are there, waiting, tempting you to respond to their call.

 

A person at the bar, a hunk at the gym, a co-employee. They are all around us, and ready to make us feel better. When we are hurting or confused, not sure where we stand in a relationship; this is the time temptation comes along.

 

Now don’t get me wrong my friends. Not every person is devious. There are thousands of people who care and many who would not consider breaking up or interfering with a marriage. We do have to face the facts though. Life is delicate and easily breakable.

 

Don’t believe me? Take a look for a few weeks at the divorce filings. It is so sad to see many who have been married less than a year or even six months; filing for divorce. It sometimes appears that there surely was an argument and instead of seeking help, they sought a divorce attorney. You know, the I’ll show you attitude?

 

Then their are the relationships that have lasted fifteen, sixteen and forty years that have filed. The mid-life crisis? What is that exactly?

mid·life cri·sis
noun
noun: mid-life crisis
  1. an emotional crisis of identity and self-confidence that can occur in early middle age.

 

Sometimes this can occur from The Change. Wow, what a phrase, but so true.

Hormones bouncing, hot flashes, the kids are moving out. Suddenly it is just the two of you again and now what do you do? Weight gain has occurred. You have time to go to the gym. You get in shape. People notice. Your head swells like a big balloon.big

Guys flirt, you flirt back. It feels good. Darn, how long has it been since this has happened?

 

Well, as you can see, there are many reasons that the fairy tale can go up in flames but it doesn’t mean the light has to be snuffed completely. You just have to get the help needed for the issue and without delay. First, you may ask yourself, do I still love the person I have been involved with or married to all these years?

 

If the answer is yes, then there is hope. Pray, seek counseling, change the routine at home. Smell good, look good, think of him/her before yourself. Have a picnic in your bedroom with candles. Put the kids to bed early. Put the cell down, turn the TV off. Change it up. Do what ever you need to do to salvage what was good.

 

If you have tried your best and it still fails, well, this is the ultimate suck-ass situation of all. How do you go on? What about all those years spent together. I don’t have the answers, but I can offer suggestions. Stay close to your family. They do love you. They will listen. They will emotionally support and encourage you. Lastly, don’t forget to pray. Prayers are answered. God listens. God feels your pain. God knows your future.

 

Enough said for tonight.

I dedicate this to a very special man in my life.

I love you. R.W.

 

Seniors, Poverty and Why?


I was watching the news this morning. This is something I don’t do much anymore for exactly the reason I am going to blog about. The bad news out weighs the good news. It seems people really want to hear the negative or else why would the news be so popular.

 

The topic this morning affected my age group.

A) Seniors filing bankruptcy at a higher rate more now than ever♦

B) Rents raise for the poor♦

 

Why would Seniors file bankruptcy? In my parents era, there was a savings of several years hard work that helped when they retired. In today’s world, so many included benefits have been jerked away in order to save the companies money. The fall-out in 2010 did a lot of damage.

 

The co-pays on insurance have risen above being able to meet, forcing out- of- pockets to empty faster. Insurance companies seem to fight more on even paying what they should. Costs of medications, doctor appointments, and the outrageous prices being charged for inpatient hospital stays are absurd.

No wonder Seniors are struggling. They are forced to work for longer years before retiring and without the extra help government and retirement benefits would be given at the age of sixty-two, life becomes financially in a ruin. Sometimes bankruptcy is the only answer in order to be able to afford what has to be paid for.

 

Why would anyone charge the poor more money on rental properties and leave the moderate and rich alone? Is the secret name of the game to actually dismiss and rid the poor, leaving the fortunate ones to thrive?

 

I don’t  understand any of this. I know in my area and I also have mentioned this before in my other posts, I live in the Orthopedic Capital of the world. Is everyone in my area working at one of these fine manufacturing companies? No, they are not. It is easy to see that the rental prices of homes and apartments are skyrocketing here; but what about those who aren’t fortunate enough to work in these places?

 

Go back to school, further your education; is this your thought? It used to be mine too, but today, the cost of technical colleges and the bigger colleges is almost beyond our reach. The almost guaranteed job offer is not so much in our sight and of course that leaves us with paying those high college loans off. Some people are bettering themselves some, but the paying off those loans is for many years to come.

 

Landlords don’t keep the properties up to date because they would 1. like to keep the profit and 2. some can not afford the prices to do the updates.

 

It is a sad situation. I know for myself, I would love to have a little more freedom and less rules. I would love to have the inner fears removed that if I don’t do this or follow that rule; I am out of here.

 

Oh, don’t get me wrong, I know there are rules, but rules are changed without voting. Rules can be changed and worded differently day to day. What about having the choice to sit in your yard and have a cookout? This is not allowed here.

 

What about planting flowers? We have employees that do that here. We can watch the flowers grow, but what about helping make that happen? What about having the joy of sitting out under the picnic tables, under the shade trees? Taking our tea or coffee and chatting with others?

 

We have benches here and the benches sit under the sun. We have one patio table with four chairs, that I am not sure would hold me and this patio table is to be adequate for eighty-two apartments.

I don’t mean to sound like I am bitching. I truly am not. My thoughts on this are; hey, we made it to our Senior years. We worked hard. We helped our spouses. We fought in the war. We raised our children. We deserve to not live in fear wondering where our next home will be and where funding will come from and; can we afford it.

 

We don’t want to have to file bankruptcy. We worked hard our entire lives and never saw those big, heavy courtroom doors. Why now? Why would anyone want us to have to wait for our retirement? Why would they raise only the elderly and poor’s rents?

 

Perhaps it is true. People don’t want us around or people believe we are children in grown bodies and are pretty much worthless and just taking up space until death takes us.

Well, this is why I don’t watch too much news. It makes me sad. It makes me angry. What is going to happen to our grown children? Their time is coming. What can we do to help them when we can’t even help ourselves.

 

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SHE HOLDS ME GENTLY


The leaves speak to me
Branches hold me tight
I can tell her all my secrets
I can even spend the night.

Peace feels so surreal
When I walk upon her floor
Pain is released from within my heart
Eyes dry up for ever more.

There’s something about a forest
It breathes in all your fears
It listens without scolding
It wipes away my tears.

Written by,
Terry Shepherd

Photo taken by me.

 

 

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