Look into the Depth

It isn’t what you see in front of you. It’s what you see in depth. A stressful time of year for most. Even the television ads push stress.

The whole idea is to stay calm, remain calm, even though you feel as if you are the topper on a spinner toy. How can anyone know how you feel? They don’t live your life. They don’t walk in your shoes.

While kiddies are getting pumped full of Christmas toy thoughts, some of us are stuck in the Sad lane. A loved one may have just passed or maybe a loved one is ill. Maybe there are people missing from the table this year.

Perhaps the family dog went to heaven, or there was a car accident a friend was involved with. Maybe there is gossip going on at your work. Anything is possible and so many things happen. We are eventually caught up in something that can take us away from our day.

The only way to get through our life tragedies is to have roots in solid ground. A faith we can fall back on. Words of wisdom, our Bibles, a close friend we can tell anything to.

When things look bad, don’t see the surface, don’t panic. Let your feelings go deep. Feel the depth of your foundation. Get into it. Let it slide through your soul. Tomorrow is a brand new day.

 

A Bitchy Day, Darn it!

I hurt my back Sunday evening. I have babied it and taken Ibuprofin for a few days. I went back to my volunteer job today after missing Monday and was there about an hour when the pain reared its head.

I had some Ibuprofin with me so took two and went about my shift. Now, I am a bitchy, short-fused, in pain, woman. I don’t want to talk to anyone, see anyone. I just want to be mad.

I look around at my living room and it is filled with boxes, Christmas wrapping paper, tape, scissors, unwrapped gifts and plain old mess. I hate mess. I am a neat freak person. For this reason, I will be glad when Christmas is over? No, maybe just glad when these gifts are wrapped and delivered.

How did one little back swelling set me off for the rest of my day? I don’t know. A couple of years ago I leaned back on some pillows to watch TV. When I lifted my body back into a sitting up position, something pinged and my mouth opened wide in pain. I babied it for about a week and it finally got healed, but if I do something to use my back in that area, boom, it is back, the pain I mean.

I look at my kitchen and I see the papers there with the recipes I want to make for the holiday baking, but I don’t go do it. I just don’t know what is wrong with me these days. I am tired. I mean I am tired beginning a few hours after I wake. I don’t know if it is my illness, my age, or what, but I get sick of being tired. I could take three naps a day, every day if I could.

Well, I surely hope your Wednesday is smoother than mine. I am ready to get my P.J.’s on but it isn’t bedtime, besides, I am doing laundry. So, how is your day going?

What Would you Do?

How do you react and what do you do when you run into someone who used to be considered your best friend? What about a relative that you were close to and then when life changes your circumstances; the relative changes their personality towards you? Has this ever happened to you?

 

It has to me. I have never been so  hurt, emotionally, as when my father passed a way and my family turned their backs on me. It wasn’t something that I did to change their views. It was my father’s choices in his will. You know the words, I leave this to this person and that to that person.

 

I don’t know what my dad was thinking because I have not been close to dying yet and therefore I could not begin to read his mind in those final months. He knew though and he knew the feelings he was carrying.

 

Choices he had picked in previous years suddenly seemed to take a different direction; the closer to death’s door he became. He obviously had discussed us kids to different family members when his life was full of living.

 

I also don’t believe that people who are close to dying and want to make their final decisions go a different route, exactly discuss such personal issues with others. I believe this is exactly what happened in my father’s case. He changed his mind.

My father passed away, December 1st, 2017.

It took a year and a half to settle everything and from that date on; life changed. It has never gone back. There is no family to talk to anymore.

 

I’m not whining so don’t feel sorry for me. I didn’t make those choices. Others made their own decisions to stay a way from me. It hurts when I think about it so I don’t try to think about it too often. A tear appears as I write this today; but I will get through it. I always do.

 

My point is; the way we treat people. I have been talking about this on my own Facebook page for a couple of days, so this is the end of the topic. The thinking I want you to take away from this is; is it worth it? Is it really worth it to turn your back on an old friend or a family member?

 

I bet you think I will say it’s right or wrong. I can’t say that because I don’t know how I would feel if suddenly someone from my past wanted to talk to me today. I guess my first thought would be; What do they want?

 

I guess I would be suspicious, let a little hopeful for a re-uniting? I don’t know. For me, for these past several years, silence is better. Less hurt, less tears, less remembering, less pain.

 

So, what would you do if you ran into that old friend or that relative you haven’t spoken to for years?

Those Three Little Words

I didn’t sleep well at all last night. I am a big dreamer now a days. Usually they are nightmares but last night it was an eye opener. Do you ever have those dead stop eye opening moments? I don’t know if it’s good or not but I have not had them and now that I have had one; it has changed my view and thoughts forever more.

 

It happened so smoothly, it inched its way into my brain so softly that I didn’t even feel it happening. One sentence stated at an earlier moment and now as I lay my head down to sleep for the night, comes to me, opens the window to the mind, and sits staring me right in the face.

 

There is no denying, no place to run, no more excuses. I have to accept. So this is what I dreamed of all night and it woke me several times. This morning I feel almost like a friend who has lost their best friend. I see you but I don’t know you.

 

I know all there is or I thought I did and now I look at you through a clean window and I see no streaks. The truth shines through and now I must relax within and quit all the foolish ideas that up until now I thought would always work if only I worked hard enough to make it happen.

 

It almost feels like the burden of guilt of over trying has been a weight lifted from my small shoulders. I can brush off the dead leaves and bare branches. I can smile and not feel guilt for not sharing in your thoughts. I can feel relief as I know where you and I truly stand in our small corner of the world.

 

I can flake off the responsibility of believing it is I who has to fix things that happen in life. This is not for me to do or decide. My whole being has but one thing I must still continue to do. I will continue to pray. Pray that God helps light the path you walk on and shows you that there is a better way to find what all seek in this world.  For me, I want to say thank-you God. I will now pick myself up and search for those three little words in life called; Live, love, laugh.

 

The Fairy Tale

Fairy tales, lust and love. Somewhere in your younger years you thought of these three things. The dress in white. The man in the tux.

The days of thinking of no one else but him/her. The nights of lovemaking under the stars. The house, the babies, the laughter then the tears.

 

Why, why does this happen? You were so in love? If I had the answers; I may not be divorced today. I don’t know why things change. Perhaps the bills start things out. Companies having their handout for money.

 

Work and more work to make sure there is adequate money to cover bills, food, insurance, gas and of course; I could go on and on.

 

Somewhere the glitter leaves and reality sets in. Sometimes marriage counseling prior to the wedding helps. It helps set the goals of what each wants to bring to the relationship. Even then, this doesn’t always help.

 

The world is full of glitter in black masks.

It comes in many styles such as stress, overweight, insecurities, failure and many more. There is always someone out there leering near by, watching your eyes, and feeling your losses. They are there, waiting, tempting you to respond to their call.

 

A person at the bar, a hunk at the gym, a co-employee. They are all around us, and ready to make us feel better. When we are hurting or confused, not sure where we stand in a relationship; this is the time temptation comes along.

 

Now don’t get me wrong my friends. Not every person is devious. There are thousands of people who care and many who would not consider breaking up or interfering with a marriage. We do have to face the facts though. Life is delicate and easily breakable.

 

Don’t believe me? Take a look for a few weeks at the divorce filings. It is so sad to see many who have been married less than a year or even six months; filing for divorce. It sometimes appears that there surely was an argument and instead of seeking help, they sought a divorce attorney. You know, the I’ll show you attitude?

 

Then their are the relationships that have lasted fifteen, sixteen and forty years that have filed. The mid-life crisis? What is that exactly?

mid·life cri·sis

noun

noun: mid-life crisis

1. an emotional crisis of identity and self-confidence that can occur in early middle age.

 

Sometimes this can occur from The Change. Wow, what a phrase, but so true.

Hormones bouncing, hot flashes, the kids are moving out. Suddenly it is just the two of you again and now what do you do? Weight gain has occurred. You have time to go to the gym. You get in shape. People notice. Your head swells like a big balloon.

Guys flirt, you flirt back. It feels good. Darn, how long has it been since this has happened?

 

Well, as you can see, there are many reasons that the fairy tale can go up in flames but it doesn’t mean the light has to be snuffed completely. You just have to get the help needed for the issue and without delay. First, you may ask yourself, do I still love the person I have been involved with or married to all these years?

 

If the answer is yes, then there is hope. Pray, seek counseling, change the routine at home. Smell good, look good, think of him/her before yourself. Have a picnic in your bedroom with candles. Put the kids to bed early. Put the cell down, turn the TV off. Change it up. Do what ever you need to do to salvage what was good.

 

If you have tried your best and it still fails, well, this is the ultimate suck-ass situation of all. How do you go on? What about all those years spent together. I don’t have the answers, but I can offer suggestions. Stay close to your family. They do love you. They will listen. They will emotionally support and encourage you. Lastly, don’t forget to pray. Prayers are answered. God listens. God feels your pain. God knows your future.

 

Enough said for tonight.

I dedicate this to a very special man in my life.

I love you. R.W.

 

Seniors, Poverty and Why?

I was watching the news this morning. This is something I don’t do much anymore for exactly the reason I am going to blog about. The bad news out weighs the good news. It seems people really want to hear the negative or else why would the news be so popular.

 

The topic this morning affected my age group.

A) Seniors filing bankruptcy at a higher rate more now than ever♦

B) Rents raise for the poor♦

 

Why would Seniors file bankruptcy? In my parents era, there was a savings of several years hard work that helped when they retired. In today’s world, so many included benefits have been jerked away in order to save the companies money. The fall-out in 2010 did a lot of damage.

 

The co-pays on insurance have risen above being able to meet, forcing out- of- pockets to empty faster. Insurance companies seem to fight more on even paying what they should. Costs of medications, doctor appointments, and the outrageous prices being charged for inpatient hospital stays are absurd.

No wonder Seniors are struggling. They are forced to work for longer years before retiring and without the extra help government and retirement benefits would be given at the age of sixty-two, life becomes financially in a ruin. Sometimes bankruptcy is the only answer in order to be able to afford what has to be paid for.

 

Why would anyone charge the poor more money on rental properties and leave the moderate and rich alone? Is the secret name of the game to actually dismiss and rid the poor, leaving the fortunate ones to thrive?

 

I don’t  understand any of this. I know in my area and I also have mentioned this before in my other posts, I live in the Orthopedic Capital of the world. Is everyone in my area working at one of these fine manufacturing companies? No, they are not. It is easy to see that the rental prices of homes and apartments are skyrocketing here; but what about those who aren’t fortunate enough to work in these places?

 

Go back to school, further your education; is this your thought? It used to be mine too, but today, the cost of technical colleges and the bigger colleges is almost beyond our reach. The almost guaranteed job offer is not so much in our sight and of course that leaves us with paying those high college loans off. Some people are bettering themselves some, but the paying off those loans is for many years to come.

 

Landlords don’t keep the properties up to date because they would 1. like to keep the profit and 2. some can not afford the prices to do the updates.

 

It is a sad situation. I know for myself, I would love to have a little more freedom and less rules. I would love to have the inner fears removed that if I don’t do this or follow that rule; I am out of here.

 

Oh, don’t get me wrong, I know there are rules, but rules are changed without voting. Rules can be changed and worded differently day to day. What about having the choice to sit in your yard and have a cookout? This is not allowed here.

 

What about planting flowers? We have employees that do that here. We can watch the flowers grow, but what about helping make that happen? What about having the joy of sitting out under the picnic tables, under the shade trees? Taking our tea or coffee and chatting with others?

 

We have benches here and the benches sit under the sun. We have one patio table with four chairs, that I am not sure would hold me and this patio table is to be adequate for eighty-two apartments.

I don’t mean to sound like I am bitching. I truly am not. My thoughts on this are; hey, we made it to our Senior years. We worked hard. We helped our spouses. We fought in the war. We raised our children. We deserve to not live in fear wondering where our next home will be and where funding will come from and; can we afford it.

 

We don’t want to have to file bankruptcy. We worked hard our entire lives and never saw those big, heavy courtroom doors. Why now? Why would anyone want us to have to wait for our retirement? Why would they raise only the elderly and poor’s rents?

 

Perhaps it is true. People don’t want us around or people believe we are children in grown bodies and are pretty much worthless and just taking up space until death takes us.

Well, this is why I don’t watch too much news. It makes me sad. It makes me angry. What is going to happen to our grown children? Their time is coming. What can we do to help them when we can’t even help ourselves.

 

SHE HOLDS ME GENTLY

The leaves speak to me
Branches hold me tight
I can tell her all my secrets
I can even spend the night.

Peace feels so surreal
When I walk upon her floor
Pain is released from within my heart
Eyes dry up for ever more.

There’s something about a forest
It breathes in all your fears
It listens without scolding
It wipes away my tears.

Written by,
Terry Shepherd

Photo taken by me.

 

 

Just For This Minute

What a month June was. Fighting ear and eye infections. Falling in the shower and splitting my toe skin and hurting my arch. Two episodes of burning headaches in the same month was enough for me. On top of all that, the stress level has been higher than usual.

I don’t know what I do to get through this. I guess I pray a lot. I believe when we are stumbling over rocks; God is building strength and character in us. Maybe I have had enough building for one month; but I doubt it.

We have much room to grow in our souls. We are far from being set for life. I realize this and although I have my own “hate my day” parties; I will come out shining on the other side. You know what I mean?

God promises us he will never give us anymore than we can handle. I know it, but I sometimes get angry, when I realize what I can not do any longer.

My perfect day for me anymore is having peace. This means peace and quiet, no stress, little pain, able to smile, make my bed, bake a batch of cookies. Some days, this is a hard thing to do; but we all must go on.

There is a reward for this. Did you realize the harder we fight, the more we don’t give in, the more we thank God, the reward is going to be bigger than the most expensive car or house on this earth.

Right this minute, I have partly what I wish for daily. It is peaceful. I only hear the sound of my keyboard clicking away and the motor on the AC running.

In my mind, I am able to handle the pain that is in my foot arch. I am aware that God is right here beside me; giving me this little break.

I am aware that at any moment, my life can change. I try to be ready, but I can’t sit and wait for something to happen. I would drive myself to the psycho station.

No matter who you are, your color of skin, which side of the track you live on, we all deal with daily issues. Maybe yours are different than mine; but we each feel it.

For today, I am going to thank God for this minute of time and ask him to help me fight those other minutes of the day, when all I would really wish for is to climb in bed, cover up and sleep.

God bless you my Facebook and blogging friends.
Terry Shepherd

One Small Town= All Towns

The story goes; when you’re old and retired, time to relax. Is it really a relaxing time of life? I sat in on a meeting today here where I live. It was very interesting to listen to. The topic was about family law, wills and end of life decisions.

Sounds kind of gloomy to me. I actually have to face the facts that I am aging. It didn’t surprise me that the questions that rose from the people sitting around listening to the speaker had a little fear in their attitudes.

It is scary. I’m not going to lie. Maybe, at an earlier time, there was more financial stability or nice vehicles or food on the table. Here where I live, a spouse may have deceased. A job is no longer worked, and fixed income is a familiar phrase.

When you live in a surrounding where rules change at a drop of a hat; this does nothing more than raise the fear level. Many don’t have choices here. I am speaking about housing.

Where would they go if they do not co-operate with management changes? For even me, this could be a problem. I am sure that if I were without a roof, one of my children would provide a roof for me temporarily.

The issue becomes stress and worry though. Where do we go, if we can’t find a place to live. Here in my city, the rates for apartment living are beyond high. I live in the Capital of the Orthopedics city. For those who work in those factories; life is probably pretty good. For those who don’t work in that type of business, or have limited funds, what are they to do?

The speaker answered some questions with answers of perhaps being able to help. Some questions asked were not part of his area. You know what happens to Seniors when stress and worry about shelter and food are a daily worry? Heart attacks, the rise of blood pressure, strokes.

I just don’t see that being older and on fixed incomes is a fantastic way to live. I see it as a Survivor game. Who wants to play this game? No one volunteers to be the first player. I feel bad for all of us capped under “fixed income” people.

There are new apartments rising, which is good. They are for limited incomes. Do you know how fast these fill up? By the time you hear the word about it; they are all spoken for.

There are times, I get depressed. There are times, that I live, remembering to be thankful for what I do have. There are times when I have extra food and share it with my neighbors. We do what we need to do and we remember to keep our faith strong and be thankful for what we have.

How do we fix our problems of aging? I don’t know the answers. I wish I did. I would want to see everyone in here smile a sigh of relief and to know they are each safe and sound.

God bless and thank-you for letting me speak my heart tonight.

Goodnight.

Written by,

Terry Shepherd

Where the Mind Goes, Should the Heart Follow

A story is told about a friend of yours. A friend who has a long-standing relationship with flaws. Good times, bad times and still there is good somewhere to have still retained the friendship power.

 

The story sounds enticing. The human listens, ponders, thinks back to times when life was on the flip-side. Comparison begins and forms a sticky feeling of questions forming in the brain.

 

Could this be true. Did I miss something. Was I blind sighted. What have other people said about this person. Look at those questions flying in your head.

 

You suddenly feel queasy. You wonder if you have played the major role of the fool. A tennis game of back and forth, over the net, under the net.

 

You finally shake yourself. You tell yourself there is no fact. These are words. Ugly words, yes, but words. Show me the proof.

 

There is no proof to be shown. You decide to move forward. You have weighed the pros and cons. You know the outside and in.

 

Words, gossip spreading; isn’t this the best damn way to split up a relationship of any kind?

 

Think first; react last. Have the proof before you lose something precious.

 

Written by my feelings,

Terry Shepherd