Like snow in your winter days? Then don’t come visit Indiana. We have nothing but above normal temps and rain. It can be a gloomy time or you can huddle in your favorite P.J.s and watch a movie, write on your blog or play on FB, like I am.
I met-up with my girlfriend this morning and we shared breakfast and chat. I love the time we spend together and when I am driving home I think; where did that time go? No matter how often we see each other, we have never ran out of topics to talk about.
Now back at home, I did a load of laundry and changed the sheets on the bed. The apartment looks pretty good from the vigorous cleaning I had been giving it the past two days. For today, New Year’s eve, it is my day to do as I wish.
I don’t know of any scheduled events in the community room for tonight but I don’t care. If I feel like going downstairs this evening, I will grab something to eat and take it down. Hopefully, someone will be down there.
There is such hype and money spent on this holiday but the key word is “couples.” Very few living in my building have a significant other, so there won’t be that big partying going on here. Besides, I have sort of outgrown? that party urge to stay up until midnight to watch a glitter ball drop from the sky. I would rather be in my “comfy” clothes and crawl under my covers when I am ready.
I prepared a meatloaf yesterday. Today I will bake it along with a potato. Served with my favorite, green beans, this will be my New Year’s eve dinner. This means meatloaf leftovers for a few days and no big-time cooking for me. Yeah!
Hey everyone; it’s Monday! Did you go back to work? Or are you like me and stay at home?
There are pros and cons to going to work. Number one for me is the con; no paycheck. I get paid once a month and I have to make that last all month long; no matter what is going on that month. Prime example, December, Christmas, gifts, baking. Where does that money come from that we need when we live on Disability?
We just make it work. We find other means to make life as normal as possible. I have almost all of my Christmas gifts made or purchased. I am getting easy recipes gathered so I can take some goodies to my family’s home. Of course, this is a way for me to also taste sample and put on a few pounds.
Tell me what you are doing today? What do you do to make Christmas gifts stretch for you?
I can’t get it out of my mind. I keep thinking about the dream I had last night.
With the illness I have; I usually have terrible nightmares, always waking up before I die, but to see my brother in my dream and be able to talk to him was bigger than anything I have experienced.
I am a thinker by nature so it is not unusual for me to have been pondering on how I made this dream happen. Can I make it happen again?
Alvin was healed. He was standing tall. He wasn’t crying and he didn’t act afraid of life. He smiled that big, familiar smile I always saw.
We talked. In my dream it didn’t seem like we chatted for a very lengthy period, before I woke up, but I remembered it and i still remember it.
I have definitely moved on since his passing. I have managed to hide my tears and sadness. I have laughed among friends. This is the part that has moved on.
There is an injured snail crawling inside my spirit though. The feelers come out when I am all alone and this is when it seems like only yesterday; I walked into his bedroom and found he had passed.
The dagger still punctures my soul and heart. The eyes well up instantly. I sit. I remember. I cry. I don’t think we ever truly get over the death of a loved one.
I don’t know if we ever heal completely. It is complete though. He was born. He lived. He passed. I think there is a bigger torture when there is no final stage of life.
When friends or family hurt us and it is never settled. That sword just keeps twisting and stabbing. The mind rolls over big hills and stumbles over boulders as we try to find peace that is now broken.
How do we go forward? How do we hide the memories of what once made us smile. How do we hide the tears in our daily living?
It is so difficult but this is something each of us has to deal with and lay to rest. God placed us here to send the message out to others about his love.
God gave us feelings so we can love and hurt and hug and smile and heal. God gave us ears so we can listen to his message, a body who can accept a hug from another person.
We must give these heavy burdens to God. We need to carry our faith in large baskets, and know that whatever the problem; God will carry us through it. We have to believe this.
Other wise, we will be injured creatures, walking this earth, thinking only of our pain. We will not be able to reach out to others who need us or are hurting.
This dream that I was honored to be a part of was a wonderful vision. A gift from God you might say. I have told God so many times how my life will never be the same, how much I miss my brother.
God showed me last night, in my dream, that no matter what pain I am going through in my waking hours, he is right there, holding my hand, guiding me and showing me his love.
Thank-you God, for allowing the visit to happen between me and my brother.
You see that mountain over there? That’s my dream. That’s where I put my faith on every night as I lay my head down on my pillow and pray. Every morning I wake up and look down at my body. Nope, nothing’s changed. I still can’t move.
I look at my legs and they feel frozen in the bed. Sort of like being cemented to a bed post. A tear drips from my eye as I try to move my fingers; but they won’t. My nose itches, but no one knows it.
I look up and I see your smiling face enter my room. I see the glistening in your eyes, but you won’t admit you have been crying. You gently wash my face and hair. You turn me over and wash both sides. You do all this with the gentleness of love. I love you so much my wife. I so wish I could tell you. I will not complain with groans or moans. Will this help you see how much you mean to me?
You shave me the best you know how. You sprinkle talc on me and try to erase the smell of this illness. You leave my room and I see you once again wipe a tear from your eye. You enter with my breakfast. I don’t recognize my favorite food, eggs and bacon. You have a cup with you and I can see it is brown, but I don’t see the steam rising. I know you have pureed all my food and added a thickner to my coffee.
You turn the television on for noise in the background as the silence is thick and our thoughts mesh into one; but neither of us want to admit we both know I am dying. I see the effort you make into each day. Going about the business of what I used to help you do. Paying bills, getting groceries, babysitting the grandchildren. Above all; you don’t forget me. You always check to make sure I am dry and want for nothing.
When you make sure I am going to be fine for the night, I hear the bed springs as you collapse into bed at night. This is when I turn to my mountains. I pray for a cure. I pray for my release so that it may release you, my love. I appreciate all that you do; but you should not suffer from my lingering onto a nothingness.
This morning, the icky feelings started coming back. Slight dizziness, a little more wobbly, and I think as the day goes by, I will have to use my walker.
I am a fighter, but sometimes I have to slow down as this illness progresses. I am going to try to ignore my feelings and continue to ask God for healing, but play it safe and use my good judgement.
I sure wish I knew what made those past three days so totally awesome. I would practice it each day. I have to believe that good days are given as a gift and as a booster to fight harder the next bad day.
When days become tough, I think back to the childhood song I used to see on the Television.
I think I can, I think I can.
For anyone struggling day after day with issues, we must draw strength first from God, then our families and friends, and of course this motivational, cute little song.
You all have a good day. I know I am going to try.
For this week’s challenge, tell us the story of your special connection to one song (or another discrete musical composition, from a jazz tune to a techno track or opera aria). When did it start? How has it changed over time? Does the song’s meaning reside in the melody, the lyrics, the performer’s voice — or some other intangible element?
Years ago when I was 13 years old; my favorite group was The Carpenters. I listened to song after song. While most of my other friends were into heavy metal; I preferred the soft rock and remain true to my heart today, many years later.
I remember a Friday evening, I was allowed to go to a football game with friends. Mom dropped me off at the school. The game was boring and we were losing, so my group of friends decided to go to one of their homes, and of course I followed.
I always had my cassette with me and after listening to the rock crap long enough, I asked if we could play my music. They knew what I liked and yet tolerated my taste. They put the loved music on.
I grabbed a friend’s hairbrush and stood up on a footstool. I sang my heart out to the song, Close to You. I didn’t care who laughed or left. I was in another world when I heard Karen Carpenter’s voice, and back then, my voice blended so well with hers.
Today, when I listen to this song; I smile. I can go back to earlier days and remember the care-free days of laughing and enjoying life. I will always treasure that evening. By the way, I never told mom I left the game. I was back at the field by the time the game was over.