I am Strong Because I have a Shield of Love

Don’t ever tell yourself, “I got it made” or “Life is a piece of cake.” I swear as soon as you say that; you will be shut down.

This has been a rotten week. I am glad this is Friday. Hoping for a new week with less stress and sadness.

I was with my family during the loss of a family member. A viewing one day, the funeral the next day.

I have  had issues with a family member also. It is plum crazy when the issues arise and for the love of God; I don’t know what the problem is. The other party won’t open up and therefore I am left with a feeling of being helpless and lost.

I also lost a very close friend to the same disease that took my brother; Multiple System Atrophy. I tell you; she was one strong fighter. She carried hope and a bright spirit to the end.

I wasn’t expecting it and my emotions ran a muck. Maybe with a prior funeral and then this major loss, I went over the top with my tears. I will miss you forever and ever Bonnie.

I am a pretty emotional person. With the final encounter; I found my blood pressure rising, my neck was  hurting along with my head. My stomach ached and I felt like I had been tossed to the wind.

My girlfriend has been helping me through this. She has reminded me of how to take issues I can not fix and give them over to the Lord. I am doing this and I have found myself calmer and now laughing again. The problem isn’t fixed but knowing God has this covered and will fix it; I can go about my life.

She told me something that I really like repeating over and over in my head.

Lord, let me see through your eyes. Let me hear through your ears. Let me love through your heart.

She also gave me a precious song to listen to and I play it often. It brings me comfort.

 

 

So although this week has been a big blow to my spirit; I have also learned I am strong because I am protected by a shield of love.

A Night Out With Family

Yesterday, I was not planning on doing much of anything. Where I live, the main headquarters paid a visit to inspect each apartment. I am always a neat and tidy person but when I know that the head haunchos will be looking at what I live in; I tend to be a little more picky. The inspection was done and now I can relax.

 

The rest of the day was up for grabs. It was later in the afternoon that my son called. He invited me to ride along with him and his family to Fort Wayne. They had a stop to make and he said we would be dining out.

 

Fort Wayne, Indiana

https://www.cityoffortwayne.org/

 

 

I eagerly accepted as I love spending time with my family and grandchildren. The forty minute drive went quick as we chatted over the past week and all that had happened. The talk of the Holidays came up and we were discussing the whats and ifs to come.

 

My family took me to Longhorn Restaurant. I had never eaten there before. Here is the link to where I dined at.

https://www.longhornsteakhouse.com/locations/in/fort-wayne/ft-wayne/5544

The photo below is what I ordered but I had a baked potato and broccoli as my vegetable.  There was so much I brought the extra home and ate it for my breakfast.

 

It was a nice gift when I learned he had paid my bill.  I thanked him so much for that. After we left; we went to Hobby Land where I found on sale a table type LED light. I had been looking for one to place on the table that I work on for my paintings and crafts. It was almost half-price, so that was a big plus for someone on a limited income.

 

After we left that store I pointed out a store that I like to visit when I get to Fort Wayne. It is called Ollies. It is similar to a Big Lots; but much nicer, in my opinion. I bought some shampoo and conditioner and some craft items I needed. My family seemed to like it also as they bought some goodies too.

Here is the link, if you have never heard of this store.

https://www.ollies.us/home.html

 

Before I knew it, we were home. I again thanked them for inviting me and paying for my dinner bill. We hugged each other and I know in my heart; I will see them again very soon.

Tonight, here where I live is the building’s monthly, Saturday night supper. There are four floors here and each month a floor is in charge of the supper. This month, it is our floor. I fixed a big pan of home-made macaroni and cheese.

 

My kids always loved my mac and cheese. I make it with three different types of cheese, a white sauce and this time I added chunks of fried ham. Of course I had to taste test it and it turned out perfect. Cheesy and stringy with lots of flavor.

 

We are also allowed to dress up for Halloween if we wish. I do wish this so will go in my mild costume. With my Ataxia, I could not afford to be over dramatic, for fear of falls. Those photos will follow in my next post.

 

Well, you all enjoy your Saturday. Our forecast for today in Warsaw, Indiana is; sunny and a high of 52. Fall is definitely here. My header for my blog is a tree I photoed yesterday. Notice the beautiful trees and how they are beginning to change their colors.

Talk to you all later my friends.

AN UNSPOKEN LOVE

AN UNSPOKEN LOVE

 

Sometimes I sit and stare at you

Especially on the days

I’m not feeling well.

You stand so very still

But I can hear the whispers of words spoken

I can feel the love transpired from your heart

You provide me with glowing lights

I feel the connection between us.

You will never understand

How much this gift means to me.

No matter the distance

Or lack or eye to eye

This gift you’ve given me

Is a link of a mother and sons love.

Written by my feelings,

Terry Shepherd

 

One day last year, I received a knock at my door. There was a man ready to hand me a box. When I opened it, there was a silver, shiny, pom-pom Christmas tree.

 

How he knew that I had dreamed of owning one for so many years is beyond me. I never could thank my son enough for thinking of me.

 

Today and every day, as I walk throughout my room; I see it, and am reminded of the love between me and my son.

Fourth of July, 1977

Almost forty-one years ago, wow, am I that much older now? Yes, math doesn’t lie. Almost forty-one years ago, it was much like a day today is.

 

Hot, real hot and humid. I was in my twenties. I was married and had a little girl named Rachael Wagner who was five. I lived on the outskirts of Warsaw back then.

 

I was only days from introducing a new baby into the world. The world seemed quiet then compared to the noise today. I was happy. I had a wonderful husband, a daughter who smiled all the time.

 

My parents and grandparents were still alive. Prices were more even with the economy. This was the time period when we had the blizzard of 1977.

 

I delivered a baby boy in less than twenty minutes with no real pain; I swear I am telling the truth here! A piece of cake, a real fire cracker baby, born on July fourth. My last son, Randy Weaver, was a real corker at being born, but it was well worth it.

 

Life sure has changed. My daughter lives out of state. I have one son who lives very near me and another son who lives less than an hour from here.

 

I have I think, eleven grandchildren. I am no longer married. I have lost my parents, grandparents and brother. I am different from this, but also more in touch with who I am.

 

I live for times, texts or phone calls from my children. I love my camera, writing and painting. I love peace and quiet. I hate my short-term memory that is showing its ugly teeth more and more.

 

I am far from rich, but rich in riches. I am blessed. I love my kids and grandchildren. I am lucky. Happy birthday, Ryan Weaver.

An Illness is an Illness

I was invited by one family member to lunch and to come back here to roast pumpkin seeds. Times seemed confused as to what time we were to meet and plans almost fell through.

In the meantime after receiving my first invitation, I turned around and invited another family member to the same lunch. My son and his family showed up and so it wasn’t a disaster after all.

We ate our lunch at Culvers. This is a great place for burgers and ice-cream. We chatted and afterwards they invited me to go to Menards with them. We naturally went to the Halloween section, which I believe, all my three adult children love, including myself.

I bought a big pumpkin that lights up. I wanted to place it in my window and it had to be big because I am up on the fourth floor and I wanted cars to notice it and smile.

I don’t like admitting that I walk worse today than three months ago; but I do. It was unfortunate, that there were no electric carts to ride on, The good thing was, my two grandsons said they would be happy to push me in one of the store’s wheelchairs.

I felt embarrassed, but the feeling didn’t last long. The two boys had a great time pushing me. People looked at us three and smiled. Some commented I  had good looking chauffeurs and I agreed. I was one proud grandma. Not everyone has the honor of being pushed by two handsome, young men.

After we were all finished shopping, my family put my bought items in my car. They boys hugged me and told me they loved me. My son hugged me and told me he loved me. My heart burst, as I realize my illness is only that; an illness. Nothing else has changed.

Here are a couple of photos I took while we were there. Did you think I would not use my camera? Wrong! I did and will remain doing so as long as I can hold a camera in my hands.

 

 

Crawl Into Bed

I don’t know why my brain insist I wake early in the mornings. Being retired means sleeping in. Perhaps my brain thinks I am still a young kid. I know that my mind and my body do carry on different conversations.

I rise before the daylight shines. I force myself to go back to sleep, only to awake an hour later. I hear the birds singing, which I do love to listen to. I sit up in bed and look around. I ask myself, what am I going to do today? There is many hours that lay between crawling under my bed covers again.

Part of me feels a peace. No stress slamming me is a nice thing. I think it is more about being tossed out of my comfort zone. That seems to be an issue with me ever since Al passed away.

I got used to being in demand. Al would honk the bike horn sitting on top of his bed side table, and I would go into his room and do what I could to help him. I remember him requesting me to start the movie The Christmas Story, over and over again. Still today, I can’t watch that movie, but some day I will.

I remember him asking me to help his pain. There were baths to give, bed sheets to change, meals to fix, feeding him, cleaning him, talking to him, watching TV shows together. He took a lot of work, but you know what? I didn’t mind at all. I knew he needed me.

Perhaps I have this illness that I am not aware of, which has a name, but has not been assigned to me yet. I bet it is called, Stuck in the Middle. Somewhere between seeing a future and seeing the past.

I talked to my daughter briefly last night. I got the feeling that she and many others believe I should be on cloud nine, as I am now in my own place. I am able to make my own decisions, go when I want, return when I choose, but something is missing.

I still feel weird inside. The truth is, I think I am done. I took care of so many patients and I took care of my dad and brother. This was my purpose here on earth. Now, I can’t work because of this Parkinson’s thing. Feeling off balance on my feet is a big issue in my life.

It has forced me to become part of the system. It forces me to remain in one spot. It keeps me from becoming better in the finances department. I feel like I don’t do anything but get through each day. I wait to crawl in bed.

I miss the past, I don’t see a future. I want it over. If I can’t have a better income, if I have to wonder where my next week of groceries are coming from, I am not interested. I know that sounds hmm, cold? uninterested? I guess it does, but these are facts I live with daily.

I have lost my purpose. Yes, that’s what it is. I want what I can’t have. I want my kids and grandchildren close to me. I want to be needed again. I think about volunteering at a hospital, but right now, those patients seem like strangers to me.

I do enjoy my camera still. I do love my painting, but to be very honest, the motivation is gone. I hate having to force myself to want to do these. I wish I would change. I can come out of church and be so happy that I am alive. I see light where there was darkness.

I am still loving helping the MSA patients, but I wish I could help in person, rather than through a black screen and keyboard. I still love writing poetry. I can see that I still enjoy some things in life, and this is a good thing.

But what is wrong with the rest of me? Why in the world would someone, anyone want to be stuck in neutral? I don’t know, I don’t get it nor understand it. I will get through the day. I will putter around my apartment, and then I will crawl back into bed.

ALL GROWN UP

ALL GROWN UP

Pitter patter little feet

So short, our eyes don’t meet

Busy body, fingers on the go

I can’t keep up, please hurry and grow.

 

First day of school, tears in my eyes

You smile at me as you wave goodbye

You bring me home your colored sheet

I bend down and our eyes, they meet.

 

He asked you to the prom you say?

The smile on your face gives you away

Twinkles in your eyes show me

You aren’t that little girl I used to see.

 

Married? What? Oh no way

You’re much to young to have this say

Why I just gave birth to you a few years ago

You can’t be grown, please tell me so.

 

The call came in the middle of the night

Our bags are packed for an immediate flight

We rush between the double doors

Our little girl is gone for ever more.

 

I hold the bundle in my arms

Our hearts are bonding, my little charm

Why I remember like yesterday

When your mamma and I used to play.

Written by,

Terry Shepherd

08/12/2015

 

 

 

 

Saturday With Family

Yesterday, early evening I met my son and his family at the lake for some picture taking. I had a great time with them. I forgot about everything else and all I could see was the cute smiles and playful attitudes.

After we were finished we all went to Culver’s for some ice-cream. I think the kiddies really enjoyed their treats. When I arrived home, my son and family came over and picked me up and we went for a ride on their golf cart. He took us on a trail that lasted about five hours. I had a wonderful time and when they said they would take me again, I said great! can’t wait!

These are the kind of weekends I love. I spent part of the weekend doing things in the house I needed to and running errands, so having a play-time among the work was great. I also spent about an hour on my new class I am taking; Microsoft, the total program. Work is wanting me to learn this so I can become certified and teach others. Well, here are the photos I took. After this post is final, it is off to the shower and getting things around for another day of work.

Jefferson Davis Memorial Trip

Since I have not been feeling the best, my daughter gave me the best medicine; time. When she and I are together, I can look past the aches and concentrate on her laughter and beauty. I am truly a blessed lady to have three awesome kids. I am also a lucky lady as my daughter has given me permission to use her photos in my post.

Yesterday she took me to a little town called Elkton here in Kentucky. We ate at a quaint little restaurant that looked like total fifties. Elvis and coca-cola adorned the walls. Al sure would have enjoyed this visit.

After that she drove me to Fairview Kentucky because she knows how much I love history and my camera. Between her and I clicking on the camera button, we had many great photos.

Have you ever visited the Memorial site? Here is some history of it and then I follow with my photos she and I took. Of course the beautiful lady with the gorgeous smile, is my daughter.

Fairview, Kentucky

Jefferson Davis was the first-and-only President of the Confederacy, leader of the rebellious South that broke away in 1861 and sparked the Civil War. He never really wanted the job (You can see it in his statues, which always make him look grim), the South lost, and the North viewed him as a traitor — yet his sleepy birthplace is marked by the second tallest obelisk in the world.

Davis guards the gated entrance to his monument. The Angel of Peace protects his back.

Some people are just luckier after they’re dead than when they were alive.

Approaching the Jefferson Davis Birthplace Monument, driving down a quiet two-lane road through farm country, it’s hard not to be impressed by its hugeness. You can see it for miles; it’s 351 feet high. Until the 1970s it was the tallest thing in all of Kentucky (It’s still by far the tallest thing in Fairview). Pam Terry, who was running the elevator on the day that we visited, said that the Davis Monument was built to mimic the Washington Monument in Washington, DC, because Washington, like Davis, was also a first President.

But is it appropriate? “He wouldn’t have wanted this,” said Ron Sydnor, the Birthplace manager and resident Jeff Davis authority. “He was humble. He would have told them no.” Davis, however, had no say in the matter; he had been dead for decades by the time his boosters opened the Monument on June 7, 1924. The South had turned him from a sad loser into a noble statesman worthy of a gargantuan tribute. His actual birthplace, a long-gone log cabin, stood in a spot currently occupied by Fairview’s post office.

Christmas Memories

Can you remember when you were a younger mom or dad and Christmas time was nearing? I can, we would take one day and go the big mall about forty minutes away. Of course we would purchase a Christmas gift if we saw a good sale; but the idea of our trip was for the kids.

Oh how their eyes lit up as we neared the center of the mall and took in all the bright lights, with many colors of the Christmas theme. My kids would start clapping and of course they would jump up and down begging to sit on Santa’s lap.

Their laughter would warm my heart and cause the biggest smile to show on my face. Of course they could sit on Santa’s lap. This was the main attraction of going to the mall with small children.

We would wait in the long line and then one by one each child would be lifted into Santa’s arms and sit on his lap and whisper their wishes for Christmas morning. This spirit of Christmas still remains dear to my heart today, so many years later.

In those times we didn’t have to pay for the kids photos to be taken with Santa. I believe when my youngest was old enough to follow his siblings, we did pay something like $2.50 for a photo.

I was at the mall recently as you know from reading my last post, and the cost for a photo with Santa was outrageous to me. The child in me was considering going up and sitting on his lap and telling Santa all I was thankful for, but the adult in me popped in my mind and said, stand steady girlfriend, so I admired the kiddies, smiled upon my own memories and then went about my business of looking for bargains.

I have only two photos of me as a child. Would you like to see how I looked way back then? Alright, I will do it just once. Then one more photo of me as a grown-up at Christmas.