I Refuse to Belive It, I Just Can’t, BILL COSBY

My heart sinks. Now wait a minute. Before you raise your voice to me or point your finger, shaking it in front of my face, let me clarify my feelings.

Bill Cosby, a household name for years. He was a part of our family. He was the first black family that my parents watched on television every week and he helped more black and African Americans to walk through doors of opportunities. His words brought laughter to our home. It felt good to sit as a family and all be laughing together.

I brought up my kids watching this. One of the biggest values I ever had for Bill is his comedy in our lives. He took my stress and worries a way. He made me realize that my life wasn’t so bad. He humored us with his jokes.

His TV show represented American families everywhere. Wholesome shows, where Mom and Dad were involved with not just making sure food and housing was provided for the kids.

These TV parents got involved with their families. Both of them shared in the joy and cried in the sadness their kids were going through. Grandparents and children all sitting together, singing, showing a holding of hands and praying together around the table, giving thanks for what they had. Wouldn’t that be nice to have this once again in our own families instead of everyone eating at different times and places?

I don’t remember one time where Cliff, Bill Cosby, ever boasted about how rich he was or brag on his wife in her attorney position. It seemed to show through their actions, that what was theirs was shared with family.

I refuse to believe the scandal, especially in a time of Bill’s life where age is not on his side. Is it better for him to come forward and try to tune down the negativity? Would he get further by not saying anything, unwilling to acknowledge the hateful and harmful words?

I don’t know the answer to this. He was enjoyed by millions for years on television. Why after all these years has something so devastating come about now? Don’t you think that some where in the cracks this dark, deep secret would have floated to the top during the highlight of his career?

I guess when it comes down to it, I try to look at the whole ball. He was good for us. I know without a doubt our world today has changed since the eighties. People aren’t looking for the good in people near as much as they used to. People are looking for fast bucks, news media, their face on the front page.

I refuse to believe this news scandal, I just can’t. Maybe I will believe if Bill Cosby comes forward and says something; but then again, would I believe it? Isn’t it possible that he could say something to shut the door hard on this topic and go back to enjoying the latter part of his life? I guess the answer will always lay between Bill and his God.


My Children

My Children


Each of you I had

I looked into your eyes

My love spilled over

And over again as

You entered into my world

Cherish can not describe

How I felt about the first

To the last as I held

You for the first time

Ten little fingers

Ten little toes

In amazement I watched

Each of you grow

I giggled as you cooed

I cried when you fell

My heart dropped

When you entered school

You changed my life forever

Thank-you for being my children

Written by,

Terry Shepherd











fly 3


Erasing the Invisible

A statement was made tonight that left me with nothing to say, which is a rare thing. Perhaps it is because I have never been able to accomplish this my entire life. The topic is LOVE. Not the kind that you feel when you fall in love with your mate; rather the one where you love yourself.

I feel that I am an excellent caregiver. I can wipe away the tears from any patient. I can make each heart feel loved. I can bring comfort and kind words to help ease fears so they may rest as well as they can.

Although I am burnt- out on care giving, my heart still leans towards the one who needs to feel loved. Maybe this is because I am good at giving something I wanted so bad all my life.

Please don’t think for one moment I am wanting your kind words or your pity; I do not. Maybe spilling my guts onto the black and white screen will help me fix what has been broken for so many years.

I know the familiar words. God loves me. He made me the way he wants me to be. He doesn’t make mistakes. The problem is how can I truly believe that when I have been shown or not shown the love that any kid deserves.

Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t go without while growing up. I had nice clothes. I had a beautiful home to live in. I went to good schools. I was never beat. From the time my father and step-mother married, I could not complain and on any smooth surface, I was a happy, healthy child. So what gives? I don’t know.

Maybe I can’t or haven’t found a way to erase the invisible. I am one of those poor saps that lives too much in the past. I know it is wrong, but it seems that is the way I have always been and it could be part of the reason I am compassionate towards others.

No, what I can’t erase is the things that aren’t seen. You can’t touch what isn’t there. You can’t pretend to believe that everything is alright, when deep down inside you always knew you were an added piece to the table. You can’t pretend you didn’t hear what you heard.

I think when my mom died, I felt lost. When dad died, I felt the one person on earth that surely loved me more than anything was forever gone. The thin tether I clung to during my childhood had now frazzled and dissipated.

When my brother passed away I was left backed into a corner. No one to pour out those hidden feelings I desired. I now look at my life as an empty box that I need to fill up in order to live within a peaceful bubble for the remainder of my days.

Since Al has passed I am almost afraid of everything. The dark, going out, the what if’s. Do you have any idea how frustrating that is? I hate it, but can’t seem to burst that bubble that has me cocooned me inside like caged beast.

When I look at the facts in my life I smile, so why isn’t it enough? I know without a doubt my children love me. I am  pretty sure my grandchildren love me too. I have nice friends here. I have no doubt when I move next week I will make new friends. What else could I possibly want?

Who else is so lucky to have family that lead busy, busy lives and yet are spending free time over at my new home making it look pretty? I know I am blessed. Through the mistakes I have made in my own life, I have been forgiven and still remain loved.

I am coming to the end of this post and I still don’t have the answers to fix myself. I have already been to a therapist to learn how to realize that my feelings are validated. I have learned that not all that happens to us is our fault. What I didn’t learn is how to let go of the disappointment of what I thought should be, and to accept that life is what it is.

As I have become older I have forgiven words. I have learned that not all show emotions the same way. I am hoping that living in my new surroundings some of the sadness, depression and death will break the ties that bind me.

I am hoping that I will breathe new air. I will not have to force myself to look out the window for one good thing in my life. I will just see the beauty in who I am on the inside and enjoy every moment I am blessed to still be able to breathe.

Family was and always will remain the most important thing to me under God. It is all I ever wanted, it is all I ever needed. Somehow, some way I just want to erase the invisible and start penciling in all the good around me.



My Friend, Al Forbes

My wonderful friend, Al Forbes had a great inspirational post this morning. For some reason it just hit me at the right time of my life; or I finally paid attention. We hear so much about life is what you make it, or if you want to change things, make the change.

I think these are very good inspirational quotes but are most things that happen in our lives happening because of our own choices? Sometimes, but then there are moments when life is out of our control.

What about that nasty co-worker, or maybe the kids down the block who seem to never be supervised, or the deer that suddenly appeared out of no where. There are plenty of instances when we can actually say it is not of our own choosing.

For me, I have a nasty habit of wishing. I am trying to learn from my friend, Al Forbes, that living in the past is  not really a good idea. My only defense on this is; it is hard to let the past rest when it is constantly being brought to surface, but I am working on it, as I know my life will be more calm.

What interested me today in his post was a remark he made. Accepting, to accept that when things are bad, they will get better, and when things are good, don’t expect it to stay that way.

I instantly looked at myself and where I am at right now. My moving brings pain to my heart as I am already missing my children and grandchildren that I will leave behind. So I need to remember, it won’t hurt forever. I will be back for visits. I will always love my children no matter where I live. I don’t see them all the time now so maybe when I do see them we shall appreciate even more our times together.

I can now see that the pain and void I feel for my brother’s death will subside. This is a bad time I am going through emotionally, but it will get better. Instead of me letting my feelings get me to the point of sometimes feeling ill, maybe I should feel what I feel and live it instead of stressing why I am not healed from his death yet; it will come.

So, in the end, I just want to thank you Al Forbes for opening my eyes and allowing me to understand that; this too shall pass and I am going to face the ups and downs of life because I am living life.


night flower 2





I Saw Some Light

Most of you that follow my blog know that I have suffered emotionally ever since Al passed away. There are some days where it is a struggle to get dressed. I get up, but my motivation is on the lower side.

I have talked to my doctor and he is not worried about me. He says I am still in mourning. Every where I walk in my home I see Al, not literally, but emotionally. Taking care of another human being for seven year, every minute of each day, is a connection that I can not explain.

When I thought it would be easier because he was my brother and not a spouse, I was wrong. Although I have not lost a husband to death, divorce can relate to a death and even that was nothing like this.

Most days my mind is scrambled. Deep inside I know what I want, but I am the one, maybe common or not, that let others feelings and words affect my emotions and decisions. When I let this happen I become a wreck.

I have always been a person that doesn’t like to hurt others feelings. I will forgo my own interest and well-being to not upset anyone else. This along with wondering why I have not located a job, with all my years of experience has made me question myself at first; but then turn to God for answers.

I usually follow my instincts and tell myself if something isn’t happening, then God doesn’t want me to go down that path. Some may say I am nuts, but I believe God has everything to do with whether I work, or where it may be. In fact, I think if I listen hard enough, God will lead me always in the right direction.

Things have changed in my life for sure and lonliness has taken over big-time. I just am not happy anymore, and it is no fault of anyone. Circumstances, life changes, people moving in and out of my life have made me hide under my roof.

Today, it was different. Today, I was able to speak and I didn’t cry one time. Today, I didn’t think of Al. Today, I felt safe. I felt lighter on my feet, I wasn’t afraid to say the wrong thing. Today, my daughter was here to see me.

It was so nice to see her again. I hadn’t seen her since my brother’s funeral. I wish she didn’t live six hours away. I have the ability to make decisions. I can stand up on my own two feet, and I am going to, starting today. I saw some of that light today.


grey cloud

A Day Out With My Family

hanna and flowershanna and babyHanna in tubhanna and curtis

I went to a restaurant today for lunch when my daughter-in-law and the three kids invited me. It was great holding the tiny one. It was nice watching the middle one do all sorts of silly things that made me laugh. It was amazing to see how quick babies turn into teens as I marveled at the growth of the oldest one.

As usual the two older ones picked on each other. No bullying, just being ornery, brother and sister. It takes my mind off of Al for a while and this is something I really appreciate. I just wish I would quit fighting it.

Yes, I still fight at every invite I get. I mentally argue that I should remain home where it is safe and quiet. If I should burst into tears I would be in my own home. I haven’t left an event for a couple of weeks, so I know I am making progress.

The two older kids ate very well. Every time mom went to take a bite, baby must have had a sixth sense and let her presence be known. Mom and I took turns holding the tiny one so we could both eat

I didn’t think nothing of it. Babies get tired of sitting too. At that age there isn’t much variety. They either sit or lay, or the best, we could snuggle them in our arms.

After a delicious brunch of a cheddar cheese and mushroom omelette, we ventured over to Lowes. I am so happy for my daughter-in-law and my son. They are able to remodel and do some things to their home they have wanted to do for some time.

A little touch of this and a change of that and it is almost like living in a brand new home again.  Sometimes things happen in life that make me smile and this is one of those times. To see the two work together, compare prices, agree on something and enjoy it all.

Here are a few photos I was able to capture of those cute grandkids.

A Piece of Me Will Live On and On

Right before my brother passed away a new grandchild was born. He is so precious. He is smiling now and sometimes laughs out loud. If Al could have seen him I know he would just be smiling so big.

Al was always fascinated by little kids. I always thought he connected with them in his own child-like mind. It makes me smile when I think of Al more and more. I like being able to go back in my memories and re-live all the fun times we had.

Sure there were terrible times. We argued, I cried at times, but we had many days of laughter. I am beginning to see that the old stuff is somehow placed deep away in a dark space in my mind and the sun shines through the good stuff.

Now, once again, I am waiting on being a grandma again today. My daughter-in-law went into the hospital to give birth. It is like being a grandma all over again. We all know this is going to be a little girl and I already know she is going to be beautiful like the rest of my grandchildren. They came from my own handsome children.

If mom were here today she would be one of the first ones wanting to hold the new bundle of joy. She was a busy woman when she was alive but she seemed to make time for family.

Dad would say he didn’t want to hold the baby. Too young, wait until older, but someone would place the newborn in his hands and he would just beam

It saddens me a little to know that I always dreamed of being shown that smile when ever dad was around. It wasn’t that he didn’t love us. He just wasn’t one to show it.  I saw him cry one time over me. I had allowed fear to take over his heart. I was a brat as a teenager I guess. Probably more often than not we all have disappointed our parents.

Al is gone and almost my entire family is gone. Life continues its cycle. New births, and heaven’s doors open upon God’s words. I would give my right arm to have what I had when I was younger, but I cherish all that I have in  my mind today, and it makes me more thankful when the babies arrive, as I know that no matter what, a piece of me will live on and on for ever and ever, even in our hearts.





I Was a Lucky Mom

Today is still Mother’s Day. I woke up to my son wishing me a good day over Facebook and then by phone. A few hours later my daughter called from out of state. My last son and his family came down. He smoked pulled pork and it was the best stuff ever. Along with it there was macaroni salad, potato salad, cole slaw, pumpkin bars, and white cake with nice, gooey icing.

After that delicious meal was over my other daughter in law came over with her daughter. They fixed plates and we enjoyed their company.  I have  had a rough couple of days and today it was made sunny by my family.

My family doesn’t realize that a phone call or a visit can turn my entire day completely around. I was always the mom who wanted the Leave it to beaver family. Kids grown bringing their kids over anytime. No invite needed. Today was the closest thing ever. The only thing that would have made it better was if my daughter had been here in person, but I am thankful for the phone call.

My grandson, Easton is very close to eight weeks old. My other daughter in law will present Chloe in less than four weeks, but we all think it will be sooner. One of my kids reads my blogs, the other two do not. Either way, thanks kids for making my Mother’s Day perfect. Don’t worry brother, I thought of you often.

By the way, speaking of Al, I was rummaging through the shed yesterday and today and I found a box of Al’s. With Al’s mentality he never opened boxes. He didn’t enjoy many of the items he had. He looked at them in their boxes, but today, my brother was here with me through music. I found a Coca Cola radio. It had never been opened nor used. It comes with a phonograph, CD player, clock and AM/FM radio. It is all in a nice wooden, grained box. I played this all day long, and thought about dear Al every time I heard it’s beautiful musichanna birthdayEaston.Kristinrecord player

His Sacrifice For Me

Easter is something I could let pass me by this year; if it were not for Jesus Christ. The decorations, candy, the ideas that go along with kids is pretty much at ground zero in my home.

I think of Al even more as I walk through the store. It reminds me of last year when Al was still at the nursing home. I had visited him and brought with me Easter cookies, a case of diet coke, and lots of candy.

At the time I knew  I was foolish buying him all that unhealthy stuff, but this year I smile big as I am so thankful I did what I did. The good thing is Al is there now. It is so amazing to know that he doesn’t have to go to the movies to watch Easter themes. He is right there, walking beside Jesus. Oh how lucky he is.

For the umpteenth time I am repeating myself. I love you Buddy and I miss you so much. You enjoy your meal together with the highest of family and I will pretend that Easter for kids is magnificent.

My son and his family will be here tomorrow. We are having what I call a laid-back lunch. Sloppy Jos, chips and salads. I just don’t have the oomph to make that big five-course meal this year. My two grandchildren will hunt for all the hidden, colorful eggs and I shall smile, knowing I am making wonderful memories with them.

You all have a blessed Easter. Make great memories and do something you may not normally think of this year. Remember when I talked earlier about the diet coke and Easter candy for a grown man? Well, I am glad I did that out of the normal thing.

Happy Easter my friends and God bless each of you on this magnificent day.


Lessons In Every Situation, Roar Into 2014

2013 for me. I don’t remember a whole lot. Life seems quite a blur. Al was in the nursing home from January until June. I remember plowing through snow and cold to go see him. I never wanted him to think I didn’t care.

Groceries were not bought much. The bills remained the same most of the year. The TV shows got sillier. None of them really grabbed my attention except American Idol. Somehow looking forward to two nights a week to this show made the winter months go by faster.

June came and Al came home and then life was still not that bad. Life is never as bad as we think it is in the moment we are living it. When we move on down the road and are faced with different challenges, we sometimes look back and think, I wish I could go back to that time.

For a while I was still able to get Al in the car. We went to some antique shops. We went out to eat. I was even able to take him to one more big car show. We went places and Al was placed in an adult program where he could socialize with others. Life seemed pretty good.

Then it was like a blink in an eye life began to change for the worse. Al’s MSA (Multiple System Atrophy) seemed to really kick in. No longer was I able to get him in the car alone, and with no help we had to give up the outings. Life became a little more quiet for him and me.

In no time at all Hospice was involved. Al went from being able to shave himself to me shaving him. He no longer could brush his teeth, I did it for him. He went from finger foods to some help with eating to now; which I feed him all of his food and drinks.

He went from a being able to stand with assistance in his wheelchair to his legs no longer holding him up. Today, he is bed bound. He gets all of his baths in bed. Only a month ago he was still able with lots of help to get a shower.

Now he stares at the TV when his vision will focus. His eyes water, his fingers and hands are locked in a prayer position. His legs are curled in a fetal position, not bad, but getting there.

Instead of him and I decorating for Halloween and Christmas, I did it alone. Al was in the hospital during Thanksgiving and he slept through Christmas. Family came but Al remained in bed.

I have learned to lean on God more and more through this illness of Al’s. I have been angry at God, screamed at him, asked for forgiveness for not being as faithful as I could. I have learned to lean on others for help, such as Hospice, homemakers and ministers.

I have learned who my true friends are and who I can count on when in need. I have learned that I have a huge support system with many people on the internet. I have been shown how many care about Al by all the cards and gifts that have been sent.

I have been taught that to gain strength, all I have to do is pray about it. I have learned how to cook for one and puree for Al. My laundry has doubled, cleaning is still going strong. I am tired and now try to nap when I can. I have learned that the house will always be waiting here for me. The dirt is going anywhere.

I am glad that this year is ending tonight. I would not really want to relive it again. I am hopeful that things will be brighter in 2014. I pray that the Obama Healthcare works itself out.

I hope more lean on their own strength and realize they have more to offer this world than they think. I hope Al finds peace and is reunited with our parents. I pray that I will be able to move on and remember Al with smiles. I hope jobs pick-up and crime is less. Schools offer the basics and we have less drop-outs than ever.

My family will expand by two this new year. I wish for my own family good health and common sense, so that they can survive yet another year. Life isn’t easy, it won’t be from this day on. But with careful consideration and a loving Mom standing behind them, they too will find what they seek.

I hope that each of you stay safe tonight. If you are going to drink, please don’t drive. Beware of your surroundings. Don’t be too proud to take a taxi home if you need to. Tell you children you love them. Hug your parents. Stay positive. We are in this together no matter how many miles separate us. It is up to you and me my friends, to make or break this world.

So to each one of you, Happy New Year, 2014.

P.S. Don’t forget to change your calendars and write 2014 on your checks tomorrow.