A Work in Progress


It wasn’t long ago that there was no worry or pain nor hurt. Do you remember that era? I do, it was when I was a young girl. Riding my bike, seeing how fast I could peddle, jumping rope, racing against my own legs. Swinging on the school swings. I can still hear my voice as I laughed full of freedom. Let’s see how high we can go!

Realizing when we got home from school our parents would be there or an entrusted sitter. We didn’t wonder if there would be a snack to eat, we knew it. We didn’t go straight to our room and throw our bodies on the bed and weep for what was to come.

I don’t think I actually felt a deep pain until my first break-up with my boyfriend in high school. I really believe for me, this is when I began to question who I was. Oh, I didn’t question the deep brain thoughts, I questioned my hair style, my clothes and probably my weight. I fretted about what the kids in school would say when they learned that WE were no longer going steady. Would I be able to handle seeing him without wanting to die?

Oh to have some of the simplistic life today. I still ponder on life but in different ways. I now no longer worry what people say about my clothes, because the major underside is comfort. I need comfort to be able to function from my gut problems of daily swelling. I don’t worry about make-up anymore because I rarely go out. I do think about how I look when my daughter comes to visit. I guess I never want her to see through me and guess my pain, so it is easier to play dress-up.

Today, I wake up and immediately thank God for a new day. I tell him my concerns and I pray for my children and their relationships and I pray for our President and our country. I ask him for strength to get through the day and I ask him for his healing.

Today, I still try to think of little things I can do or say to others. I believe we all, more than ever, need to know we are loved and needed. I believe that one smile is worth feeling alone. I firmly believe in Peace today. Peace within myself. Realizing that I made a ton of mistakes growing up and raising my family and peace that I can not go back and change one thing.

I want to know when that day arrives that Jesus lifts me up, I will have forgiven myself and that I am going to a beautiful home. When I look back, I smile at myself, at the progress I have made. I am far from being where I need to be, but I am making progress. I am what I would consider, a work in progress.

I am ready for you!


I founded this blog when my brother was very ill. I had so many emotions bottled up inside, it was making me a wreck. I prayed often for God to help me through this trial of times and he led me to Blog world. I had never heard of a blog, but since he led me to it, I would learn it.

It was a wonderful place to sit and write my feelings. I could post exactly how I was feeling, knowing I was healing as my brother was suffering, does that make sense? Or maybe I was preparing myself for the dreaded end.

I wrote often, and eventually wrote two books. One was published right after my brother’s death. It is called Dahlia. Today, I don’t understand how I wrote the book, considering I watched helplessly while my brother got more ill.

I later wrote and published one more book. I have another book started. I think there are twenty-two chapters to it, but I have not had the urge to continue. Hopefully, I will begin writing towards the end of it sooner than later.

I primarily write on my blog now for more intertwining with blogging friends and Facebook friends. I started a new idea on here by asking one new question about you. Nothing personal or embarrassing, just fun. I also have another page here at WordPress, for my recipes I find that I think you may like.

The year of 2020 began to get difficult to remain motivated. The Covid, and my pain helps to slow my life down. Stumbling and staggering isn’t any fun neither and so life has just changed for me.

I just don’t have the umpp to get going. I actually get mad at myself for not filling up a day with activities and yet I do nothing to change the situation. I sweep and rearrange smaller things, I bake goodies, so I do do things but I don’t fill up days. I am hoping Spring will make a difference and I can use my walker and take a walk around here. I want to sit on my porch again too.

Life isn’t grand like some people say it is. I hurt daily and it’s winter, so look out Spring, I am ready for you!

What are things you love about Spring?

There is no Difference


I am generally not one who picks at things but I can’t help but notice the media, and I won’t mention any particular one, but in general, we do get our news from the internet, TV news, or radio, can cause an uproar.

I am beginning to feel like someone wants us to be upset, to notice the negative around us. I notice we are not one people anymore, oh, we really are but someone wants us to be divided.

On the news, I hear statements like,” A young, black lady.” Why? Why do they say that? Isn’t the story what we are really interested in and not the color of the skin? Would it make the story any different if the color of the skin was purple polka dots? Why not just simply say, “A young lady.”

Are colored people the only ones who riot? Are whites the only ones who are of wealth?

I just don’t like it. God created us all equal in his eyes.

God’s word is very clear in telling us that all men are created equal and every single person can be a child of God, receiving the full inheritance of heaven. We can look toward the Bible to learn how to love and serve everyone no matter what their age, color, or ethnicity, gender or nationality.

I just wish our countries would work on stop the dividing instead of becoming divided because it doesn’t have to be this way.

Hulu Series and Halloween Treats


I have gotten in the habit of spending my evenings watching McCleouds Daughters. It’s and eight series show that is on Hulu. I am on the fifth series now. It is about a horse farm and the four women who run it. All sorts of things happen on this show, good and sad things.

I love these farm, horse shows. It not only is good and clean watching, it takes up my evenings. Have you ever seen it? If not, maybe you can start watching it. I also love Heartland. It is pretty similar. I just don’t want these series to end.

Next, I am looking forward to watch the holiday shows and movies.

A question I have for you. I am going to be staying home and passing trick or treats to the kids that live out here. They are having a Halloween walk throughout the complex. With the virus still being active, what is a good treat to hand out that keeps all safe and happy?

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Image result for mcleod's daughters cast

Image result for mcleod's daughters cast

Image result for mcleod's daughters cast

McLeod’s Daughters

2001 ‧ Drama ‧ 8 seasons

We Will Move On


Slowly, Indiana is lifting the lock down. Restaurants are at fifty percent and some are not open other than drive thru. I think this is due to some fear. No one wants to get sick.

As for me, in another week, I will be able to get out in public again, according to our Governor.

Eric Joseph Holcomb is an American politician serving as the 51st and current governor of Indiana since 2017. A member of the Republican Party, he served as the 51st lieutenant governor of Indiana from 2016 to 2017 under Governor Mike Pence, now the 48th Vice President of the United States.

In my opinion, he has done his job well. I believe he really cares about us here in Indiana. I have ventured out but with caution and have stayed out of stores unless food is needed to be purchased.

Our weather here for the last few days has been filled with humidity and heat. This is not our usual May weather but instead, it is our August weather. The air conditioner has been on already and I am not happy about that because it cost money.

The topic of schools is getting bigger here. It seems like colleges will resume as normal in the Fall but I am not sure about the lower education classes. I have heard it may still be E learning. I have heard it could be a mixture of actual class time and E learning. I feel bad for the kids who actually need that stimulation of friends around them and a teacher. It will be interesting to see what happens.

High school graduation didn’t happen in a lot of schools because of the virus. Since June is arriving, I have seen that some schools are going to have actual graduations. I hope the kids get to participate in that, they sure do deserve it.

How is the virus affecting your town thus far?

Oh the Valleys we Travel Through on our way to Heaven


It seems so right that I changed the name of my blog page to Who Am I, months ago. Why? Because anymore, I don’t really know who I am.

I know I am a child of God, but here on earth, I just don’t know. I know I am a mom to three and a grandma to several, but some days, I don’t feel like a good mom. I have one child who pretty much has disowned me, it seems. I have begged, pleaded, called and text but no answers are provided for me on what I may have done.

This has turned my health upside down. My blood pressure is now messed up going higher than lower. I am stressed with sadness that keeps my veil of happiness covered by blackness.

I have apologized, sat for hours wondering what I may have said or done without realizing it may hurt others. I am getting sick and I find myself wishing I was at the end of my journey here on earth.

I snap out of that thought though because I am not really ready to die yet. I even called my primary and neurologist and have spoken to both about this up and down blood pressure problem I am having.

I know that my diagnosis has been changed from Parkinson’s to probable MSA. This sickens me. Not so much because it will shorten my life; but because I won’t be as lucky as my brother was in having a sister to take care of him. I will go through this alone with God beside me; which means I am truly not alone.

Life has not been a bowl of cherries as of the past few weeks and I am grateful that Spring as officially arrived and I can get lost in my camera once again outdoors.

Oh the valleys we travel through on our way to heaven.

cropped-terry

It’s All in the Day


Tomorrow, I go to my Neurologist for my check-up. I do this every six months. I will be discussing with him; my new shoes made for my feet and my Ataxia and Dystonia.

a·tax·i·a
/əˈtaksēə,āˈtaksēə/
noun

MEDICINE
  1. the loss of full control of bodily movements.

 

dys·to·ni·a
/dəˈstōnēə/
noun

MEDICINE
  1. a state of abnormal muscle tone resulting in muscular spasm and abnormal posture, typically due to neurological disease or a side effect of drug therapy.

 

I am also going to talk about the idea of me having a special type of Ataxia, which is; Sensory Ataxia.

Sensory ataxia

This is ataxia due to loss of proprioception. Proprioception is the sense of the relative position of neighboring parts of the body. It is a sense that indicates whether the body is moving with the required effort and gives feedback on the position of body parts relative to each other.

A patient with sensory ataxia typically has an unsteady stomping gait, with the heel striking hard as it touches the ground with each step. Postural instability becomes worse in poorly lit environments. If a doctor asks the patient to stand with eyes closed and feet together, their instability will worsen. This is because loss of proprioception makes the patient much more reliant on visual data.

The patient may find it hard to perform smoothly coordinated voluntary movements with the limbs, trunk, pharynx, larynx, and eyes.

The reason being is; I see advancement on when I close my eyes. I just can’t do it anymore without falling. I can’t look up nor can I look down; I fall within seconds. I know there isn’t anything anyone can do but I want to see if he thinks this may be happening to me.

My new shoes were taken back and the insert the company had provided for me to have better balance was replaced with a thinner insert. I don’t have the better balance; but the shoes fit better now.

Sometimes I ask myself why do I continue to make appointments with my Neurologist. I already know they can’t help me in so many ways but I keep them for records. I am on someone’s file for what is happening to me and it also helps me keep tabs on my advancement of this thing.

The Dystonia is what also affects my walking. The new shoes don’t seem to help that part. This is where my toes curl under anytime they feel like it.

I’m dealing with all this along with my Parkinsonism.

Parkinsonism is a clinical syndrome characterized by tremor, bradykinesia, rigidity, and postural instability. It is found in Parkinson’s disease (PD)—after which it is named—dementia with Lewy bodies (DLB), and Parkinson’s disease dementia (PDD), and many other conditions.

I’m dealing with it all because I know I could be so much worse off. Taking care of so many patients in my life time; things could be a whole different story for me.

And how is your week going?

I Had to Smile


I wrote yesterday about my chaotic week. Full of hurt and loss from loved ones. After repeating to myself over and over, See through your eyes Lord, Hear through your ears, Love through your heart; I am more calm this morning.

I can not control how I am feeling in my heart from people’s actions but I can control how I let it affect me. There is nothing worse than being un-friended by a loved one or knowing there is an issue but the other person won’t allow you to know what it is.

What can I do about it? Pray, give it to God, let him deal with it. He knows how to fix things. The other thing I do when I get to bombarded by the “stuff” in this world is look for something that makes just me  happy, and this is what I did.

I went to my favorite second-hand store. I looked at everything, knowing I had a budget I had to stick to. I saw this piece that I had been wanting for about a month. Every time I went inside this store, there it sat.

Yesterday, I decided; this would make me smile. This would make me feel good every time I went into my bathroom, which is where I placed my new piece. Here is a photo of it and yes, I am still smiling over it.

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It is about four foot tall. It is slender which fits my bathroom perfect. I filled it with toilet paper and soaps. I love it. Of course I love old things. What do you think? Do you like it? Do you ever buy yourself treats when life gets you down? Does it help when you do?

I am Strong Because I have a Shield of Love


Don’t ever tell yourself, “I got it made” or “Life is a piece of cake.” I swear as soon as you say that; you will be shut down.

This has been a rotten week. I am glad this is Friday. Hoping for a new week with less stress and sadness.

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I was with my family during the loss of a family member. A viewing one day, the funeral the next day.

I have  had issues with a family member also. It is plum crazy when the issues arise and for the love of God; I don’t know what the problem is. The other party won’t open up and therefore I am left with a feeling of being helpless and lost.

I also lost a very close friend to the same disease that took my brother; Multiple System Atrophy. I tell you; she was one strong fighter. She carried hope and a bright spirit to the end.

bonnie

I wasn’t expecting it and my emotions ran a muck. Maybe with a prior funeral and then this major loss, I went over the top with my tears. I will miss you forever and ever Bonnie.

I am a pretty emotional person. With the final encounter; I found my blood pressure rising, my neck was  hurting along with my head. My stomach ached and I felt like I had been tossed to the wind.

My girlfriend has been helping me through this. She has reminded me of how to take issues I can not fix and give them over to the Lord. I am doing this and I have found myself calmer and now laughing again. The problem isn’t fixed but knowing God has this covered and will fix it; I can go about my life.

She told me something that I really like repeating over and over in my head.

Lord, let me see through your eyes. Let me hear through your ears. Let me love through your heart.

She also gave me a precious song to listen to and I play it often. It brings me comfort.

 

 

So although this week has been a big blow to my spirit; I have also learned I am strong because I am protected by a shield of love.

Lost


Sometimes I write to show you something and sometimes I write for my own healing. Today is the latter reason; for my own healing.

I used to be so bubbly. I was always ready to go somewhere and laugh tons and enjoy the day. I don’t know what has happened to me.

If I am in a crowd of people; I want to be home sooner than later. I used to sit and listen to people talk and tell their stories but anymore I have learned these stories cause some pain because of plain, old gossip.

I used to jump up and eat and get dressed and put the make-up on; not anymore. I do feel awesome when I first wake up. I feel little pain. I give my thanks to God for this day. I would rather now take my time and I discovered this past few months, that not long after I am awake; I could go back to sleep if time allowed.

I don’t cry. I haven’t cried since my brother passed almost five years ago. I think between losing him and my dad; I just cried all my tears until they are permanently dried up.

I volunteer each week. I love it but I find myself almost wishing I didn’t have to get up and go. Once I am on my way; I am good to go.

People get on my nerves so much anymore and that used to never happen. I was always a people person.

I have a few excuses as to why this change has happened. Winter? It’s always a long winter  here in Northern Indiana. Shorter days of light? Maybe. The place I live in? Perhaps. I was told by the manager at the time I applied that this building was really hopping.

All sorts of activities to attend, friendly people. This has not proved to be the case as now living here for two years, what I mainly see is a variety of people. Senior Citizens live here. Disabled adults live here. Mentally challenged people live here.

This leads to a variety of things to see on a daily basis. In fact, I just saw a post taped to an escape door on my floor. “If we see such and such, please don’t let  him in.” This  happens so much here.

There are illegal activities here almost daily. Maybe this is another reason I  hibernate in my room. I posted this topic before and had a reference made back to  me that this is happening everywhere. If it truly is then this is a sad state of world we live in.

Maybe I am just plain living in the fifties. I shouldn’t be of course. I was born in the fifties. Maybe I should take that back and say sixties. I would just love to live in an area that is safe, an area that doesn’t reach below freezing for most of the winter.

I think about moving farther down in Indiana and then I instantly think of my kids. Nope, can’t do it. I tried it different times in earlier years and always came back home. I am telling you though; this weather, this cold and frigid weather hurts my body and mind and spirit.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me anymore. I just know, that I don’t have that bright spirit. I could sleep and hibernate for days upon in and yet I don’t like this at all.

Well, I don’t know if you can relate. I don’t even know if I helped heal myself. I just know I need a change. Lord help me figure this out.

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