Oh the Valleys we Travel Through on our way to Heaven


It seems so right that I changed the name of my blog page to Who Am I, months ago. Why? Because anymore, I don’t really know who I am.

I know I am a child of God, but here on earth, I just don’t know. I know I am a mom to three and a grandma to several, but some days, I don’t feel like a good mom. I have one child who pretty much has disowned me, it seems. I have begged, pleaded, called and text but no answers are provided for me on what I may have done.

This has turned my health upside down. My blood pressure is now messed up going higher than lower. I am stressed with sadness that keeps my veil of happiness covered by blackness.

I have apologized, sat for hours wondering what I may have said or done without realizing it may hurt others. I am getting sick and I find myself wishing I was at the end of my journey here on earth.

I snap out of that thought though because I am not really ready to die yet. I even called my primary and neurologist and have spoken to both about this up and down blood pressure problem I am having.

I know that my diagnosis has been changed from Parkinson’s to probable MSA. This sickens me. Not so much because it will shorten my life; but because I won’t be as lucky as my brother was in having a sister to take care of him. I will go through this alone with God beside me; which means I am truly not alone.

Life has not been a bowl of cherries as of the past few weeks and I am grateful that Spring as officially arrived and I can get lost in my camera once again outdoors.

Oh the valleys we travel through on our way to heaven.

cropped-terry

It’s All in the Day


Tomorrow, I go to my Neurologist for my check-up. I do this every six months. I will be discussing with him; my new shoes made for my feet and my Ataxia and Dystonia.

a·tax·i·a
/əˈtaksēə,āˈtaksēə/
noun

MEDICINE
  1. the loss of full control of bodily movements.

 

dys·to·ni·a
/dəˈstōnēə/
noun

MEDICINE
  1. a state of abnormal muscle tone resulting in muscular spasm and abnormal posture, typically due to neurological disease or a side effect of drug therapy.

 

I am also going to talk about the idea of me having a special type of Ataxia, which is; Sensory Ataxia.

Sensory ataxia

This is ataxia due to loss of proprioception. Proprioception is the sense of the relative position of neighboring parts of the body. It is a sense that indicates whether the body is moving with the required effort and gives feedback on the position of body parts relative to each other.

A patient with sensory ataxia typically has an unsteady stomping gait, with the heel striking hard as it touches the ground with each step. Postural instability becomes worse in poorly lit environments. If a doctor asks the patient to stand with eyes closed and feet together, their instability will worsen. This is because loss of proprioception makes the patient much more reliant on visual data.

The patient may find it hard to perform smoothly coordinated voluntary movements with the limbs, trunk, pharynx, larynx, and eyes.

The reason being is; I see advancement on when I close my eyes. I just can’t do it anymore without falling. I can’t look up nor can I look down; I fall within seconds. I know there isn’t anything anyone can do but I want to see if he thinks this may be happening to me.

My new shoes were taken back and the insert the company had provided for me to have better balance was replaced with a thinner insert. I don’t have the better balance; but the shoes fit better now.

Sometimes I ask myself why do I continue to make appointments with my Neurologist. I already know they can’t help me in so many ways but I keep them for records. I am on someone’s file for what is happening to me and it also helps me keep tabs on my advancement of this thing.

The Dystonia is what also affects my walking. The new shoes don’t seem to help that part. This is where my toes curl under anytime they feel like it.

I’m dealing with all this along with my Parkinsonism.

Parkinsonism is a clinical syndrome characterized by tremor, bradykinesia, rigidity, and postural instability. It is found in Parkinson’s disease (PD)—after which it is named—dementia with Lewy bodies (DLB), and Parkinson’s disease dementia (PDD), and many other conditions.

I’m dealing with it all because I know I could be so much worse off. Taking care of so many patients in my life time; things could be a whole different story for me.

And how is your week going?

I Had to Smile


I wrote yesterday about my chaotic week. Full of hurt and loss from loved ones. After repeating to myself over and over, See through your eyes Lord, Hear through your ears, Love through your heart; I am more calm this morning.

I can not control how I am feeling in my heart from people’s actions but I can control how I let it affect me. There is nothing worse than being un-friended by a loved one or knowing there is an issue but the other person won’t allow you to know what it is.

What can I do about it? Pray, give it to God, let him deal with it. He knows how to fix things. The other thing I do when I get to bombarded by the “stuff” in this world is look for something that makes just me  happy, and this is what I did.

I went to my favorite second-hand store. I looked at everything, knowing I had a budget I had to stick to. I saw this piece that I had been wanting for about a month. Every time I went inside this store, there it sat.

Yesterday, I decided; this would make me smile. This would make me feel good every time I went into my bathroom, which is where I placed my new piece. Here is a photo of it and yes, I am still smiling over it.

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It is about four foot tall. It is slender which fits my bathroom perfect. I filled it with toilet paper and soaps. I love it. Of course I love old things. What do you think? Do you like it? Do you ever buy yourself treats when life gets you down? Does it help when you do?

I am Strong Because I have a Shield of Love


Don’t ever tell yourself, “I got it made” or “Life is a piece of cake.” I swear as soon as you say that; you will be shut down.

This has been a rotten week. I am glad this is Friday. Hoping for a new week with less stress and sadness.

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I was with my family during the loss of a family member. A viewing one day, the funeral the next day.

I have  had issues with a family member also. It is plum crazy when the issues arise and for the love of God; I don’t know what the problem is. The other party won’t open up and therefore I am left with a feeling of being helpless and lost.

I also lost a very close friend to the same disease that took my brother; Multiple System Atrophy. I tell you; she was one strong fighter. She carried hope and a bright spirit to the end.

bonnie

I wasn’t expecting it and my emotions ran a muck. Maybe with a prior funeral and then this major loss, I went over the top with my tears. I will miss you forever and ever Bonnie.

I am a pretty emotional person. With the final encounter; I found my blood pressure rising, my neck was  hurting along with my head. My stomach ached and I felt like I had been tossed to the wind.

My girlfriend has been helping me through this. She has reminded me of how to take issues I can not fix and give them over to the Lord. I am doing this and I have found myself calmer and now laughing again. The problem isn’t fixed but knowing God has this covered and will fix it; I can go about my life.

She told me something that I really like repeating over and over in my head.

Lord, let me see through your eyes. Let me hear through your ears. Let me love through your heart.

She also gave me a precious song to listen to and I play it often. It brings me comfort.

 

 

So although this week has been a big blow to my spirit; I have also learned I am strong because I am protected by a shield of love.

Lost


Sometimes I write to show you something and sometimes I write for my own healing. Today is the latter reason; for my own healing.

I used to be so bubbly. I was always ready to go somewhere and laugh tons and enjoy the day. I don’t know what has happened to me.

If I am in a crowd of people; I want to be home sooner than later. I used to sit and listen to people talk and tell their stories but anymore I have learned these stories cause some pain because of plain, old gossip.

I used to jump up and eat and get dressed and put the make-up on; not anymore. I do feel awesome when I first wake up. I feel little pain. I give my thanks to God for this day. I would rather now take my time and I discovered this past few months, that not long after I am awake; I could go back to sleep if time allowed.

I don’t cry. I haven’t cried since my brother passed almost five years ago. I think between losing him and my dad; I just cried all my tears until they are permanently dried up.

I volunteer each week. I love it but I find myself almost wishing I didn’t have to get up and go. Once I am on my way; I am good to go.

People get on my nerves so much anymore and that used to never happen. I was always a people person.

I have a few excuses as to why this change has happened. Winter? It’s always a long winter  here in Northern Indiana. Shorter days of light? Maybe. The place I live in? Perhaps. I was told by the manager at the time I applied that this building was really hopping.

All sorts of activities to attend, friendly people. This has not proved to be the case as now living here for two years, what I mainly see is a variety of people. Senior Citizens live here. Disabled adults live here. Mentally challenged people live here.

This leads to a variety of things to see on a daily basis. In fact, I just saw a post taped to an escape door on my floor. “If we see such and such, please don’t let  him in.” This  happens so much here.

There are illegal activities here almost daily. Maybe this is another reason I  hibernate in my room. I posted this topic before and had a reference made back to  me that this is happening everywhere. If it truly is then this is a sad state of world we live in.

Maybe I am just plain living in the fifties. I shouldn’t be of course. I was born in the fifties. Maybe I should take that back and say sixties. I would just love to live in an area that is safe, an area that doesn’t reach below freezing for most of the winter.

I think about moving farther down in Indiana and then I instantly think of my kids. Nope, can’t do it. I tried it different times in earlier years and always came back home. I am telling you though; this weather, this cold and frigid weather hurts my body and mind and spirit.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me anymore. I just know, that I don’t have that bright spirit. I could sleep and hibernate for days upon in and yet I don’t like this at all.

Well, I don’t know if you can relate. I don’t even know if I helped heal myself. I just know I need a change. Lord help me figure this out.

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I am a Nut in a Shell


I woke-up early in a good mood. After sitting in bed a few minutes I decided I really wasn’t ready to get up. I laid back down and slept another hour. This time I had to get  up and was ready also.

I took my shot and my medications then drank my first cup of coffee. I turned on a movie that I had seen last night on the news. It was called, Abducted Twice in Daylight; I think. It was about this small town where everyone knew and were good friends.

A neighbor and his family had moved in next door. The two families became close friends, sharing their lives together like most neighbors do. What happened from there, didn’t really shock me but I was more into what is going on in the minds of sick people. It was a movie I watched to the end.

I don’t know if I have ever been that trusting in my entire life to  have made some of the decisions these parents of the kidnapped girl did. Maybe I have a more suspicious mind. It seems to me that in this movie, things would have got nipped in the bud long before people’s lives got hurt. You will have to check this movie out and let me know what you think.

The next thing I did was get dressed and put on some make-up. I have been applying make-up to cover some of the age spots I have. I have always had a fear of dying and getting old. Don’t ask me why. I already know I am going to heaven and I realize I can’t stop the process.

I went into the bathroom and tried to do something with my hair. I actually hate my hair cut I got a few months back. It didn’t turn out like I wanted at all. I may have already mentioned this in a prior post, but after the hair cut cutting began; I learned the stylist was new. A nightmare is what I call it. It can only grow out in my opinion.

I used a mirror to see the back of my hair in the bigger mirror. I almost fell over and I felt my jaw drop big. What I saw was this hugs area of small thinning, maybe bald spots. Oh my gosh. I am getting old.

Instantly, any good thoughts about how I looked at myself were gone. I wanted to change my clothes back to bed clothes and hide under my covers. My opinion of myself as being outgoing and not too bad looking for almost being 65, and the thoughts that there are others heavier than me, came tumbling down like and eruption of boulders falling to the road.

I did the best that I could. I decided then and there I would not color my hair a darker shade anymore. I would let it go back to its natural blonde. This way the baldness wouldn’t be so bold.

I put everything away, and got me a cup of coffee. Here I set at the computer talking to you and yet my heart is still sinking and my self-worth is almost shot. I always wanted to be accepted, a thing from my childhood. I always wanted people to know that I was a compassionate, caring and empathetic woman. Why in the world do I want to hide myself now over bald spots?

 

womens-thinning-hair-loss-s9-photo-of-alopecia-areata

It Has Come the Time to Get Going


Wow, did we here in Indiana have some crappy weather this past week. We made new records for cold. Today, finally, the temps are above zero. I went out and cleared the knee-high snow from my car and started it. It felt almost like Spring.

 

Life has thrown me some curve-balls of news in the month of January. I, for one, am so thankful January is over. February will be better, even the groundhog did not see his shadow. Monday we are to be almost fifty.

 

I have been thinking about this winter and how it is time to do something. I have lived in my little part of the world two years. I want to go somewhere for a couple of days. I can’t afford too many people because of running into me and knocking me down. Hey, I can’t help it. I fall easily. I also don’t want lots of noise on top of noise. I want relax.

 

I love that word. Relax goes with calm, smile, breathing slow and easy, little stress. Isn’t it a lovely word? Without much money, what can a gal do with my thoughts? Any suggestions? Oh, by the way, in case you wonder, I live in Indiana.

 

winter2

Be Thankful for Today


Even the dog doesn’t want to go out to do his business. Instead he prances at the door and then runs the other way when I turn the door handle.

Yes, this is that sort of day. I’m not going out. It is too darn cold.

cold

See? I told you it was cold today! Yesterday, I decided to go outside and start my old clunker before this cold set in today. I did get it started. It was a slow start, but turned over. The snow was completely frozen. It was so bitter cold, that I only managed to scrape the windows and one side door. I just couldn’t take standing out in the wind.

Last night, my ear started hurting and today, I am doctoring it myself. I get earaches easily and thought I had my ears covered well, but maybe not. If it doesn’t get better by Friday, I will seek medical help.

I wouldn’t be able to get to the doctor today anyways. I am not chancing getting out. These are the days that it seems babies are born and unusual injuries happen.  I remember the Blizzard of 77 here in my town. A snowmobile had to bring me diapers for my son. I had run  out, so yes, today I am staying in.

I have been inside for this entire week for the most part. It is a time we can let ourselves become droopy if we let feelings get out of control. I can remember when school was dismissed at times when it was not scheduled. I was thrilled. I loved having my kids home. We just went with the flow kind of day. Today, it is just me. I tend to sleep more and remain in my P.J.’s more.

I used to feel bad about not jumping out of bed and guilty if I didn’t get dressed right away, but who really cares, but us, what we do inside our home on a frigid day. I can say that although m living area is not the ideal living situation for Senior Citizens; I am very thankful for the roof over my head today.

Cities surrounding me and my own town  have set-up facilities for the homeless because of the cold. It is so  hard for me to say or type the word homeless. We shouldn’t have this in our town. Warsaw is supposed to be the biggest Orthopedic Capital of the world, but as you can understand from my post, not everyone works at these companies.

The temperatures will be very close tomorrow as they are today. Friday we are supposed to rise to fifteen degrees. Hey! It’s above freezing! Monday we are supposed to climb to the upper forties.

I will finally be able to go back to my volunteer job plus I have an appointment with a medical place to get special shoes made for my feet. Hopefully this will help me.

So where ever you live, what ever the temperatures, no matter how long you have been trapped inside, remember, it could be worse. Be thankful for today. Tomorrow is not promised.

Why Don’t People Follow the Rules?


Hello my friends. Today was not fun so far. It sleeted overnight and I had to go to the doctor for lab work. It wasn’t fun and I drove like a turtle. I kept thinking, ” you all go around me, I don’t care.”

 

Afterwards I went to work but there was no work available so I drove back home. I have to go back to the doctor’s this afternoon for my results, hoping the roads will be better. When I came home, someone other than who lives here, had parked in my spot. This is a private area parking and usually when this happens, someone from a business beside me is parking in my spot.

 

I have to get out of my car and go up several steps and go inside and ask who is parking in my spot. Someone always raises their hand and says they were just going to be a minute. I tell them, it’s private, and for them to park on the street. They usually laugh and ignore me. Today was worse though. The car didn’t belong to the business next door and I had to end up parking in front on the street. A lot longer walk for me and I almost fell twice. I talked to management and they said they would look into it.

 

Why can’t people follow the rules? Why do they think they are special? Then to pretty much laugh me off. It upsets me because I struggle to walk anyways and on top of ice is worse.

 

It seems that a lot of people don’t follow the rules. Children killed near me because someone didn’t pay attention to the school bus arm and was on their phone instead. People killing others. People killing school kids.

Using illegal drugs. Buying guns underground. Stealing, cheating. I could go on and on. Why do these people do these things? It’s so frustrating to me. I’m not perfect by far but I try to follow the rules.

 

This world is suffering. Our government is throwing tantrums. This is a great way to kick off 2019, don’t you think?

 

masks-we-wear-image

 

 

We Are Here for a Reason no Matter the Age


As most of you know; I have been a caregiver for what it seems half my life. I have a deep desire to care for others. I like knowing that I had something to do with how they feel about themselves and life.

 

Since I have become disabled myself, it is hard to have to look at me as one who needs help. I received my Life Alert pendant and machine yesterday. It was very simple to hook-up and now I wear a companion around my neck. When I am cooking or taking a shower; it is nice to know that I really am not alone any longer. A push of a button sends help if I truly need it.

 

I help people on my Facebook. I try to continue to educate those with M.S.A., but I miss actually getting out and going to help others. We sometimes believe that when we grow older; life will really not change that much. The only one who could possibly change is ourselves in our health.

 

This isn’t true though. The people who we invite into our lives, their lives change also. Sickness comes, money problems, loss of some type; life continues on and this allows me to still be of help at times. I friend of mine is in a health crisis at this point, and once again, I am going to be able to help out with some caring experience.

 

I ask for prayers for my friend. Prayers for God to enter their heart. Prayers for healing. These are the two most important issues I can think of at this point. So if anyone believes in prayer, please remember me in them.

 

terry