I am ready for you!

I founded this blog when my brother was very ill. I had so many emotions bottled up inside, it was making me a wreck. I prayed often for God to help me through this trial of times and he led me to Blog world. I had never heard of a blog, but since he led me to it, I would learn it.

It was a wonderful place to sit and write my feelings. I could post exactly how I was feeling, knowing I was healing as my brother was suffering, does that make sense? Or maybe I was preparing myself for the dreaded end.

I wrote often, and eventually wrote two books. One was published right after my brother’s death. It is called Dahlia. Today, I don’t understand how I wrote the book, considering I watched helplessly while my brother got more ill.

I later wrote and published one more book. I have another book started. I think there are twenty-two chapters to it, but I have not had the urge to continue. Hopefully, I will begin writing towards the end of it sooner than later.

I primarily write on my blog now for more intertwining with blogging friends and Facebook friends. I started a new idea on here by asking one new question about you. Nothing personal or embarrassing, just fun. I also have another page here at WordPress, for my recipes I find that I think you may like.

The year of 2020 began to get difficult to remain motivated. The Covid, and my pain helps to slow my life down. Stumbling and staggering isn’t any fun neither and so life has just changed for me.

I just don’t have the umpp to get going. I actually get mad at myself for not filling up a day with activities and yet I do nothing to change the situation. I sweep and rearrange smaller things, I bake goodies, so I do do things but I don’t fill up days. I am hoping Spring will make a difference and I can use my walker and take a walk around here. I want to sit on my porch again too.

Life isn’t grand like some people say it is. I hurt daily and it’s winter, so look out Spring, I am ready for you!

What are things you love about Spring?

• 

A Cheap Shower Curtain Says it All

The strangest things pop in my head at times. I blame this on the fact that I am a constant thinker. I actually was in the ladies’ room and was sitting on the throne. I looked at the shower curtain as I probably do most times, but saw things I hadn’t seen before.

I bought this shower curtain three weeks ago. It is in the blue hues and is checkered. It isn’t anything fancy and was a product of WalMart. Suddenly I took notice of the inside of the checker pattern. There is scribbles of a gold enhancer so it is supposed to look like water trickling down the curtain but I saw something different. I saw crosses. Yes, there was a cross in each square, all in gold. I had no problem detailing each one and as you looked outside of the checks, you could see straight lines along with wrinkles from how the curtain rest against the tub.

I was putting a puzzle together. I saw my life as I walked down the straight and narrow, sometimes running into bumps but, always ahead, I could see the gold cross. I knew that I was not alone on this travel called life. God is always with me and beside me. He is right there for you and for me. He is only waiting for us to seek him out.

Isn’t that good to know? With the changes in our world today, that aren’t all good, we can count on not being alone. This brings me inner peace. With this pandemic, it is easy to feel very alone, but we aren’t. When you can see the proof in a cheap, WalMart shower curtain, you know that God is real. Hugs everyone.

Photo taken by me.

Memories for all time

I made your photo my cover
There really could be no other

It never fails to amaze me
That your photo drives me crazy.

It’s been five years this March
When you went to the golden arch.

I know you are a happy guy
I don’t even question why.

For God so loved you so
He saw your pain that glowed.

He raised you and stood you up
You drank from his healing cup.

I hope you understand
That I’m still living on this land.

My heart still aches for you so much
I wish I could reach your hand and touch.

You’d say nothing to me I remember
You started this one September.

Multiple System Atrophy
Brought nothing buy agony.

You suffered more than any I know
You deserved your time to go.

I’ll always love you my brother dear
In my heart I keep you very near.

Til the time comes and it’s my turn
Your memories in my heart will burn.

I miss you dear brother Al.
You will be gone five years, March 24th, 2019.
Love you so much,
Your sister, Terry Shepherd

 

Lost

Sometimes I write to show you something and sometimes I write for my own healing. Today is the latter reason; for my own healing.

I used to be so bubbly. I was always ready to go somewhere and laugh tons and enjoy the day. I don’t know what has happened to me.

If I am in a crowd of people; I want to be home sooner than later. I used to sit and listen to people talk and tell their stories but anymore I have learned these stories cause some pain because of plain, old gossip.

I used to jump up and eat and get dressed and put the make-up on; not anymore. I do feel awesome when I first wake up. I feel little pain. I give my thanks to God for this day. I would rather now take my time and I discovered this past few months, that not long after I am awake; I could go back to sleep if time allowed.

I don’t cry. I haven’t cried since my brother passed almost five years ago. I think between losing him and my dad; I just cried all my tears until they are permanently dried up.

I volunteer each week. I love it but I find myself almost wishing I didn’t have to get up and go. Once I am on my way; I am good to go.

People get on my nerves so much anymore and that used to never happen. I was always a people person.

I have a few excuses as to why this change has happened. Winter? It’s always a long winter  here in Northern Indiana. Shorter days of light? Maybe. The place I live in? Perhaps. I was told by the manager at the time I applied that this building was really hopping.

All sorts of activities to attend, friendly people. This has not proved to be the case as now living here for two years, what I mainly see is a variety of people. Senior Citizens live here. Disabled adults live here. Mentally challenged people live here.

This leads to a variety of things to see on a daily basis. In fact, I just saw a post taped to an escape door on my floor. “If we see such and such, please don’t let  him in.” This  happens so much here.

There are illegal activities here almost daily. Maybe this is another reason I  hibernate in my room. I posted this topic before and had a reference made back to  me that this is happening everywhere. If it truly is then this is a sad state of world we live in.

Maybe I am just plain living in the fifties. I shouldn’t be of course. I was born in the fifties. Maybe I should take that back and say sixties. I would just love to live in an area that is safe, an area that doesn’t reach below freezing for most of the winter.

I think about moving farther down in Indiana and then I instantly think of my kids. Nope, can’t do it. I tried it different times in earlier years and always came back home. I am telling you though; this weather, this cold and frigid weather hurts my body and mind and spirit.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me anymore. I just know, that I don’t have that bright spirit. I could sleep and hibernate for days upon in and yet I don’t like this at all.

Well, I don’t know if you can relate. I don’t even know if I helped heal myself. I just know I need a change. Lord help me figure this out.

January is Gone

t’s been a rough month

Words spearing my brain

I’m actually glad this month’s over

Now dreaming of rain and Spring.

 

Spring is all about new

New hope and answered prayers

I know God listens to my words

Because he is everywhere.

 

On the other side of the coin

Sadness can fill my eyes

It’s so close to my brother’s passing

When I was forced to say my goodbyes.

 

From this day forward

Alvin will occupy my mind

Still seems like only yesterday

He and I had so much time.

 

Our days are filled with goodness

Our nights can be like hell

I just have to remember to be thankful

While God teaches me to sit a spell.

 

It’s hard to not be guessing

What tomorrow may or may not bring

Will we still be like this morning?

Can time really change everything?

 

My faith is what I carry

In a bucket wrapped in my heart

I have to remember to refill it

Until this earth I depart.

 

Written by,

Terry Shepherd

 

Dedicated to life and my brother, Alvin Miller.

I Guess I’m Worth It

Although I am tired and ready for a nap; I had to write a little. It’s an unwinding experience for me and also; did anyone ever tell you I’m a chatterbox? No? My mother and grandmother said I was always a chatterbox when I was little. They said I was dutch too. I guess I didn’t talk too clear.

 

Anyways, today was a trip to the same doctor twice. I went this morning to have blood drawn. I just got back home from my second appointment where we discussed the results of the lab work.

 

I was shocked when my sugars had come down actually a whole number. I don’t know how that could have been since I have struggled the last three months to keep the numbers in tow.

 

They rise so  high in the afternoons so the doctor split up my insulin shots to one in the morning and one at bedtime. Same dosage; just split in two different time frames. I ate a lot more ham salad and eggs this past three months and that showed. I guess no more ham salad for a while. My sodium went up a little. This must be from switching from Sea salt back to regular table salt. I will get the Sea salt next time I go to the store. I just hate paying so much more for it over regular table salt; but I guess I’m worth it.

 

My cholesterol was up a tad but I know that was from too much ham salad. Everything should come back down to normal on my next visit. The only things that he couldn’t fix was my burning headaches. He said those are from my Ataxia. The sore varicose veins, which he said are from my legs working so hard at walking and not falling. He said if they get so bad I can’t stand it; compression stockings.

 

Oh, I hope that doesn’t happen. I used to put them on my patients a lot. I would have to sprinkle baby powder on the legs and then roll them up on my hands and then slowly squeeze them on the patient’s legs. Whoa, what a job. I think it would be much harder to have to put them on my own legs. I would bend over and then fall. Thinking positive thoughts that this doesn’t happen for a long time.

 

I always eat breakfast out when I had blood drawn. I am starving by the time I get out of the doctor’s office. I went to my regular place and was shocked at the prices. I can see paying top dollars for a fine meal, but eggs and toast, almost 9.00? Nope, gonna have to find a cheaper place next time.

 

Now I’m tired and I am ready to get out of dress-up clothes into comfy clothes. It is chilly outside, a sunny day but windy. A perfect day to stay in and do nothing in particular. You all have a good Wednesday evening my friends. Talk soon.

 

The Visit

THE VISIT

 

I can’t get it out of my mind. I keep thinking about the dream I had last night.

 

With the illness I have; I usually have terrible nightmares, always waking up before I die, but to see my brother in my dream and be able to talk to him was bigger than anything I have experienced.

 

I am a thinker by nature so it is not unusual for me to have been pondering on how I made this dream happen. Can I make it happen again?

 

Alvin was healed. He was standing tall. He wasn’t crying and he didn’t act afraid of life. He smiled that big, familiar smile I always saw.

 

We talked. In my dream it didn’t seem like we chatted for a very lengthy period, before I woke up, but I remembered it and i still remember it.

 

I have definitely moved on since his passing. I have managed to hide my tears and sadness. I have laughed among friends. This is the part that has moved on.

 

There is an injured snail crawling inside my spirit though. The feelers come out when I am all alone and this is when it seems like only yesterday; I walked into his bedroom and found he had passed.

 

The dagger still punctures my soul and heart. The eyes well up instantly. I sit. I remember. I cry. I don’t think we ever truly get over the death of a loved one.

 

I don’t know if we ever heal completely. It is complete though. He was born. He lived. He passed. I think there is a bigger torture when there is no final stage of life.

 

When friends or family hurt us and it is never settled. That sword just keeps twisting and stabbing. The mind rolls over big hills and stumbles over boulders as we try to find peace that is now broken.

 

How do we go forward? How do we hide the memories of what once made us smile. How do we hide the tears in our daily living?

 

It is so difficult but this is something each of us has to deal with and lay to rest. God placed us here to send the message out to others about his love.

 

God gave us feelings so we can love and hurt and hug and smile and heal. God gave us ears so we can listen to his message, a body who can accept a hug from another person.

 

We must give these heavy burdens to God. We need to carry our faith in large baskets, and know that whatever the problem; God will carry us through it. We have to believe this.

 

Other wise, we will be injured creatures, walking this earth, thinking only of our pain. We will not be able to reach out to others who need us or are hurting.

 

This dream that I was honored to be a part of was a wonderful vision. A gift from God you might say. I have told God so many times how my life will never be the same, how much I miss my brother.

 

God showed me last night, in my dream, that no matter what pain I am going through in my waking hours, he is right there, holding my hand, guiding me and showing me his love.

 

Thank-you God, for allowing the visit to happen between me and my brother.

 

Written by,

Terry Shepherd

October, 15, 2018

https://youtu.be/8H9T7427EbI

The Fairy Tale

Fairy tales, lust and love. Somewhere in your younger years you thought of these three things. The dress in white. The man in the tux.

The days of thinking of no one else but him/her. The nights of lovemaking under the stars. The house, the babies, the laughter then the tears.

 

Why, why does this happen? You were so in love? If I had the answers; I may not be divorced today. I don’t know why things change. Perhaps the bills start things out. Companies having their handout for money.

 

Work and more work to make sure there is adequate money to cover bills, food, insurance, gas and of course; I could go on and on.

 

Somewhere the glitter leaves and reality sets in. Sometimes marriage counseling prior to the wedding helps. It helps set the goals of what each wants to bring to the relationship. Even then, this doesn’t always help.

 

The world is full of glitter in black masks.

It comes in many styles such as stress, overweight, insecurities, failure and many more. There is always someone out there leering near by, watching your eyes, and feeling your losses. They are there, waiting, tempting you to respond to their call.

 

A person at the bar, a hunk at the gym, a co-employee. They are all around us, and ready to make us feel better. When we are hurting or confused, not sure where we stand in a relationship; this is the time temptation comes along.

 

Now don’t get me wrong my friends. Not every person is devious. There are thousands of people who care and many who would not consider breaking up or interfering with a marriage. We do have to face the facts though. Life is delicate and easily breakable.

 

Don’t believe me? Take a look for a few weeks at the divorce filings. It is so sad to see many who have been married less than a year or even six months; filing for divorce. It sometimes appears that there surely was an argument and instead of seeking help, they sought a divorce attorney. You know, the I’ll show you attitude?

 

Then their are the relationships that have lasted fifteen, sixteen and forty years that have filed. The mid-life crisis? What is that exactly?

mid·life cri·sis

noun

noun: mid-life crisis

1. an emotional crisis of identity and self-confidence that can occur in early middle age.

 

Sometimes this can occur from The Change. Wow, what a phrase, but so true.

Hormones bouncing, hot flashes, the kids are moving out. Suddenly it is just the two of you again and now what do you do? Weight gain has occurred. You have time to go to the gym. You get in shape. People notice. Your head swells like a big balloon.

Guys flirt, you flirt back. It feels good. Darn, how long has it been since this has happened?

 

Well, as you can see, there are many reasons that the fairy tale can go up in flames but it doesn’t mean the light has to be snuffed completely. You just have to get the help needed for the issue and without delay. First, you may ask yourself, do I still love the person I have been involved with or married to all these years?

 

If the answer is yes, then there is hope. Pray, seek counseling, change the routine at home. Smell good, look good, think of him/her before yourself. Have a picnic in your bedroom with candles. Put the kids to bed early. Put the cell down, turn the TV off. Change it up. Do what ever you need to do to salvage what was good.

 

If you have tried your best and it still fails, well, this is the ultimate suck-ass situation of all. How do you go on? What about all those years spent together. I don’t have the answers, but I can offer suggestions. Stay close to your family. They do love you. They will listen. They will emotionally support and encourage you. Lastly, don’t forget to pray. Prayers are answered. God listens. God feels your pain. God knows your future.

 

Enough said for tonight.

I dedicate this to a very special man in my life.

I love you. R.W.

 

Story a Day

http://storyaday.org/day-28-use-these-words/?ck_subscriber_id=211865176

The Prompt

Your story must include these words; ink, previously, work, breeze, seven, run, delicious, example, spontaneous, barb.

 

Hi, my name is Mandy. I grew up in the suburbs of Chicago and today I am 19 years old and have just finished my freshman year of college at a Christian college. It was a lot of hard work; but I made it.

I watched many kids run around and have fun while I remained behind and studied. I felt a little jealous when they would bring back delicious smells of left-over food from where they had dined.

Every morning I woke to my alarm at promptly seven. I would run through my morning routine of getting ready for school. I would walk through rain, sunshine and windy breezes to catch the number seven bus.

My life was never spontaneous. Anyone who knew me; knew where I was most times. Today, I didn’t want to be me. I wanted to be free. I decided my first summer break day was not going to be previously what it had been yesterday.

I was going to mentally cross the barb wire and live on the wild side. I started my trip with a stop at the Tattoo Ink store. I looked through the examples of drawings and picked a cute butterfly. I told the artist I wanted it placed on my right ankle.

I then went to my favorite clothing store and then had lunch at a little bar and grill type restaurant. I walked more than ride the bus. I watched the birds and looked at the new leaves on the trees. I smelled the fresh air.

When I arrived home; I was tired, but it was a good tired. As I lay in bed I thought about what I was going to do with the rest of my summer. I wasn’t really sure; but I knew I would be ready for school when it picked back up again.

Save our Youth

What makes people do bad things? I just read where a babysitter bit a three year old. For heaven’s sake! She was the babysitter? How in the world do parents find the right person to care for their children? It doesn’t do any good to get references, people can lie.

 

Word of mouth is a good way to find a good babysitter in my opinion. Someone who has already tried and have been satisfied with the care. What about the things going on in our communities?

Priests who are pedophiles. Gym teachers, coaches. Why can’t we trust our leaders?

(Pedophilia, or paedophilia, is a psychiatric disorder in which an adult or older adolescent experiences a primary or exclusive sexual attraction to prepubescent children.)

It seems these two-legged creatures hide behind their jobs, looking and abusing our youth.

http://www.fox25boston.com/news/trending-now/3yearold-allegedly-assaulted-by-her-babysitter-dies/717932130

 

https://www.ncronline.org/news/accountability/buffalo-diocese-priest-says-he-abused-probably-dozens-boys

 

https://nypost.com/2018/02/19/us-swimming-did-little-as-hundreds-of-coaches-abused-kids/

 

Do you believe that the more we take God out of office, the more damage is done to our people and youth? Let me know your thoughts on this question.

 

Something has to be done. We are hoping our youth will help care for us when we grow old. Do you want someone caring for you when you are helpless when their mind has been torn and damaged from their childhood?

What can we as citizens do to change things? Please share your thoughts with me.