I am a Nut in a Shell

I woke-up early in a good mood. After sitting in bed a few minutes I decided I really wasn’t ready to get up. I laid back down and slept another hour. This time I had to get  up and was ready also.

I took my shot and my medications then drank my first cup of coffee. I turned on a movie that I had seen last night on the news. It was called, Abducted Twice in Daylight; I think. It was about this small town where everyone knew and were good friends.

A neighbor and his family had moved in next door. The two families became close friends, sharing their lives together like most neighbors do. What happened from there, didn’t really shock me but I was more into what is going on in the minds of sick people. It was a movie I watched to the end.

I don’t know if I have ever been that trusting in my entire life to  have made some of the decisions these parents of the kidnapped girl did. Maybe I have a more suspicious mind. It seems to me that in this movie, things would have got nipped in the bud long before people’s lives got hurt. You will have to check this movie out and let me know what you think.

The next thing I did was get dressed and put on some make-up. I have been applying make-up to cover some of the age spots I have. I have always had a fear of dying and getting old. Don’t ask me why. I already know I am going to heaven and I realize I can’t stop the process.

I went into the bathroom and tried to do something with my hair. I actually hate my hair cut I got a few months back. It didn’t turn out like I wanted at all. I may have already mentioned this in a prior post, but after the hair cut cutting began; I learned the stylist was new. A nightmare is what I call it. It can only grow out in my opinion.

I used a mirror to see the back of my hair in the bigger mirror. I almost fell over and I felt my jaw drop big. What I saw was this hugs area of small thinning, maybe bald spots. Oh my gosh. I am getting old.

Instantly, any good thoughts about how I looked at myself were gone. I wanted to change my clothes back to bed clothes and hide under my covers. My opinion of myself as being outgoing and not too bad looking for almost being 65, and the thoughts that there are others heavier than me, came tumbling down like and eruption of boulders falling to the road.

I did the best that I could. I decided then and there I would not color my hair a darker shade anymore. I would let it go back to its natural blonde. This way the baldness wouldn’t be so bold.

I put everything away, and got me a cup of coffee. Here I set at the computer talking to you and yet my heart is still sinking and my self-worth is almost shot. I always wanted to be accepted, a thing from my childhood. I always wanted people to know that I was a compassionate, caring and empathetic woman. Why in the world do I want to hide myself now over bald spots?

 

January is Gone

t’s been a rough month

Words spearing my brain

I’m actually glad this month’s over

Now dreaming of rain and Spring.

 

Spring is all about new

New hope and answered prayers

I know God listens to my words

Because he is everywhere.

 

On the other side of the coin

Sadness can fill my eyes

It’s so close to my brother’s passing

When I was forced to say my goodbyes.

 

From this day forward

Alvin will occupy my mind

Still seems like only yesterday

He and I had so much time.

 

Our days are filled with goodness

Our nights can be like hell

I just have to remember to be thankful

While God teaches me to sit a spell.

 

It’s hard to not be guessing

What tomorrow may or may not bring

Will we still be like this morning?

Can time really change everything?

 

My faith is what I carry

In a bucket wrapped in my heart

I have to remember to refill it

Until this earth I depart.

 

Written by,

Terry Shepherd

 

Dedicated to life and my brother, Alvin Miller.

A Night Out With Family

Yesterday, I was not planning on doing much of anything. Where I live, the main headquarters paid a visit to inspect each apartment. I am always a neat and tidy person but when I know that the head haunchos will be looking at what I live in; I tend to be a little more picky. The inspection was done and now I can relax.

 

The rest of the day was up for grabs. It was later in the afternoon that my son called. He invited me to ride along with him and his family to Fort Wayne. They had a stop to make and he said we would be dining out.

 

Fort Wayne, Indiana

https://www.cityoffortwayne.org/

 

 

I eagerly accepted as I love spending time with my family and grandchildren. The forty minute drive went quick as we chatted over the past week and all that had happened. The talk of the Holidays came up and we were discussing the whats and ifs to come.

 

My family took me to Longhorn Restaurant. I had never eaten there before. Here is the link to where I dined at.

https://www.longhornsteakhouse.com/locations/in/fort-wayne/ft-wayne/5544

The photo below is what I ordered but I had a baked potato and broccoli as my vegetable.  There was so much I brought the extra home and ate it for my breakfast.

 

It was a nice gift when I learned he had paid my bill.  I thanked him so much for that. After we left; we went to Hobby Land where I found on sale a table type LED light. I had been looking for one to place on the table that I work on for my paintings and crafts. It was almost half-price, so that was a big plus for someone on a limited income.

 

After we left that store I pointed out a store that I like to visit when I get to Fort Wayne. It is called Ollies. It is similar to a Big Lots; but much nicer, in my opinion. I bought some shampoo and conditioner and some craft items I needed. My family seemed to like it also as they bought some goodies too.

Here is the link, if you have never heard of this store.

https://www.ollies.us/home.html

 

Before I knew it, we were home. I again thanked them for inviting me and paying for my dinner bill. We hugged each other and I know in my heart; I will see them again very soon.

Tonight, here where I live is the building’s monthly, Saturday night supper. There are four floors here and each month a floor is in charge of the supper. This month, it is our floor. I fixed a big pan of home-made macaroni and cheese.

 

My kids always loved my mac and cheese. I make it with three different types of cheese, a white sauce and this time I added chunks of fried ham. Of course I had to taste test it and it turned out perfect. Cheesy and stringy with lots of flavor.

 

We are also allowed to dress up for Halloween if we wish. I do wish this so will go in my mild costume. With my Ataxia, I could not afford to be over dramatic, for fear of falls. Those photos will follow in my next post.

 

Well, you all enjoy your Saturday. Our forecast for today in Warsaw, Indiana is; sunny and a high of 52. Fall is definitely here. My header for my blog is a tree I photoed yesterday. Notice the beautiful trees and how they are beginning to change their colors.

Talk to you all later my friends.

The Fairy Tale

Fairy tales, lust and love. Somewhere in your younger years you thought of these three things. The dress in white. The man in the tux.

The days of thinking of no one else but him/her. The nights of lovemaking under the stars. The house, the babies, the laughter then the tears.

 

Why, why does this happen? You were so in love? If I had the answers; I may not be divorced today. I don’t know why things change. Perhaps the bills start things out. Companies having their handout for money.

 

Work and more work to make sure there is adequate money to cover bills, food, insurance, gas and of course; I could go on and on.

 

Somewhere the glitter leaves and reality sets in. Sometimes marriage counseling prior to the wedding helps. It helps set the goals of what each wants to bring to the relationship. Even then, this doesn’t always help.

 

The world is full of glitter in black masks.

It comes in many styles such as stress, overweight, insecurities, failure and many more. There is always someone out there leering near by, watching your eyes, and feeling your losses. They are there, waiting, tempting you to respond to their call.

 

A person at the bar, a hunk at the gym, a co-employee. They are all around us, and ready to make us feel better. When we are hurting or confused, not sure where we stand in a relationship; this is the time temptation comes along.

 

Now don’t get me wrong my friends. Not every person is devious. There are thousands of people who care and many who would not consider breaking up or interfering with a marriage. We do have to face the facts though. Life is delicate and easily breakable.

 

Don’t believe me? Take a look for a few weeks at the divorce filings. It is so sad to see many who have been married less than a year or even six months; filing for divorce. It sometimes appears that there surely was an argument and instead of seeking help, they sought a divorce attorney. You know, the I’ll show you attitude?

 

Then their are the relationships that have lasted fifteen, sixteen and forty years that have filed. The mid-life crisis? What is that exactly?

mid·life cri·sis

noun

noun: mid-life crisis

1. an emotional crisis of identity and self-confidence that can occur in early middle age.

 

Sometimes this can occur from The Change. Wow, what a phrase, but so true.

Hormones bouncing, hot flashes, the kids are moving out. Suddenly it is just the two of you again and now what do you do? Weight gain has occurred. You have time to go to the gym. You get in shape. People notice. Your head swells like a big balloon.

Guys flirt, you flirt back. It feels good. Darn, how long has it been since this has happened?

 

Well, as you can see, there are many reasons that the fairy tale can go up in flames but it doesn’t mean the light has to be snuffed completely. You just have to get the help needed for the issue and without delay. First, you may ask yourself, do I still love the person I have been involved with or married to all these years?

 

If the answer is yes, then there is hope. Pray, seek counseling, change the routine at home. Smell good, look good, think of him/her before yourself. Have a picnic in your bedroom with candles. Put the kids to bed early. Put the cell down, turn the TV off. Change it up. Do what ever you need to do to salvage what was good.

 

If you have tried your best and it still fails, well, this is the ultimate suck-ass situation of all. How do you go on? What about all those years spent together. I don’t have the answers, but I can offer suggestions. Stay close to your family. They do love you. They will listen. They will emotionally support and encourage you. Lastly, don’t forget to pray. Prayers are answered. God listens. God feels your pain. God knows your future.

 

Enough said for tonight.

I dedicate this to a very special man in my life.

I love you. R.W.

 

Doctor’s Visit

Today I had a doctor’s appointment. It was a check-up from the labs I had drawn yesterday. We go over the report and he makes suggestions as to what I can do to help myself.

All the numbers on those LD’s etc were in normal ranges. I was happy. My sugars had come down a little with having added five units of insulin these past few months but he wants them to where they were several years ago, I think, so he added five more units of insulin.

It was my turn to make suggestions this visit. I had a full memory list of what I wanted to ask but got shot down on all of my questions. He explained why this and that and I understood what he was saying, until we got to my last question.

I told him about my Dystonia causing my arch to hurt most days from my toes curling. I explained that my weeble-wobble was becoming more of a daily issue now. He said, there wasn’t anything to FIX ME.

I guess I knew it inside from belonging to so many support groups on FB. What his suggestion was as he was opening the door to leave was; “Probably time to consider using a walker full-time and get a wheelchair.”

I said nothing. He said nothing. He gave me a pat on the shoulder and smiled then left to see the next patient. I stood and stared at him as he walked away. It has been four hours since that talk and I still don’t want to believe it.

I told one of my friends about it and expressed I was not ready to sit in a wheelchair, even part-time. They asked me, “Falls and hospitals or safe and at home?”

The Daily Post/ One Word Prompt

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/afterthought/

The word for the day; Retrospective

looking back on or dealing with past events or situations.

“our survey was retrospective”

synonyms:

backdated, retroactive, ex post facto “the government introduced retrospective legislation”

I have spoken a few times on my childhood here at WordPress. I have examined the events I know to be truth and can see the connections of some of my ways and thinking today.

I used to feel sorry for myself. I had two moms. One didn’t want me and the other; I kept a distance from from stupidity.

I see characters of my parents in me. My father enjoyed working with wood and so do I. My father was an artist. I don’t know if I can call myself an artist but I do enjoy painting, photography and writing.

My mother was definitely smart as a whip. I am not that smart. I would probably classify myself as of normal intelligence. My mother was organized and so am I. My mother loved to bake and sew. I still enjoy baking if I have someone to bake for.

The biggest thing I have learned though and it’s very important to my health that I did learn. The past is the past. The now is today and the future is not concrete.

Who I am today really doesn’t have that much to do with my childhood. I agree, some of it does, but it was and is up to me, to be who I want to be today. Looking back, I understand what and why things happen, but that doesn’t mean I have to carry extra baggage today.

Story a Day

http://storyaday.org/day-28-use-these-words/?ck_subscriber_id=211865176

The Prompt

Your story must include these words; ink, previously, work, breeze, seven, run, delicious, example, spontaneous, barb.

 

Hi, my name is Mandy. I grew up in the suburbs of Chicago and today I am 19 years old and have just finished my freshman year of college at a Christian college. It was a lot of hard work; but I made it.

I watched many kids run around and have fun while I remained behind and studied. I felt a little jealous when they would bring back delicious smells of left-over food from where they had dined.

Every morning I woke to my alarm at promptly seven. I would run through my morning routine of getting ready for school. I would walk through rain, sunshine and windy breezes to catch the number seven bus.

My life was never spontaneous. Anyone who knew me; knew where I was most times. Today, I didn’t want to be me. I wanted to be free. I decided my first summer break day was not going to be previously what it had been yesterday.

I was going to mentally cross the barb wire and live on the wild side. I started my trip with a stop at the Tattoo Ink store. I looked through the examples of drawings and picked a cute butterfly. I told the artist I wanted it placed on my right ankle.

I then went to my favorite clothing store and then had lunch at a little bar and grill type restaurant. I walked more than ride the bus. I watched the birds and looked at the new leaves on the trees. I smelled the fresh air.

When I arrived home; I was tired, but it was a good tired. As I lay in bed I thought about what I was going to do with the rest of my summer. I wasn’t really sure; but I knew I would be ready for school when it picked back up again.

Ever Wonder Who I Am Looks Like?

Here I am. I am the writer and photographer behind this blog. I live in Warsaw, Indiana. I have three grown children and I think, 11 grandchildren. I was a caregiver and traveled throughout Indiana for many years and then became a private caregiver for elderly and Hospice patients.

Now I have Parkinsonism/Dystonia/Ataxia. I live in a retired community building and spend my time painting, or being the photographer for the social events here. Yesterday, I was nominated for Secretary for the next year. In April I will learn whether I was voted in or not. I really don’t mind if I lose or win; I was thought of.

I am pretty quiet, but at times I can be a real chatterbox. I love to take my scooter or car and go to the lake and take photos. I love campfires, seeing the smiles on my family’s faces and making memories.

I am an Advocate for a rare illness called; Multiple System Atrophy. I have a Facebook page called Multiple System Atrophy through a caregiver’s eyes, where families, patients and caregivers can view postings that hopefully bring a smile. You may chat with me about questions you have about this rare illness.

https://www.facebook.com/MSAfeelingstressed/

I have published two books and am writing a third. The first book is called Dahlia. It is an uplifting story about never giving up. The second book is a general based book on Multiple System Atrophy. These two books can be purchased through Amazon or Kindle. The third book I am writing is in no holding back the truth about Multiple System Atrophy. Many readers let me know they wanted to know more. I had held back because it is such a horrifying disease; but in this third book, I will be spilling my guts. I think the name of it will be, A Hell of a Disease. We shall see if that sticks.

Well, that about does it. If you have questions about who I am, talk to me.

Put That Crime in a Box

I live in a city in northern Indiana. I am not sure why I am even stating that fact; as it doesn’t seem to really matter. This happens in about any town that has any politicians involved.

There are crimes, and then there are crimes. Get what I mean? Some of the crimes in my opinions are so petty, and being locked up provides certain luxuries that some senior citizens would give their right arm to receive plus the fact it is taking up valuable space for those crimes more serious, and of course, you know who is footing these  bills of three meals and a shower, right?

I am not able to speak on experience. Crap, I am just a pebble on the beach in our town. No one really knows who I am, and with what happens inside the box, I don’t think I would want to be discovered, so I will just remain one of many pebbles.

What gets my goat though worse than anything is crime. Now if I don’t report any changes within ten days to the government, any or all of my benefits can be ripped away for long periods of time, and maybe permanent too. There could also be a threat of jail time, and like I said, I am a nobody, and I did pay into the system for a time, so of course any benefits I receive, weren’t mine in the beginning, right?

Then there is the ones who have a name, have some money sitting under the  mattress and in the bank, and they commit a crime, and suddenly it is not labeled a crime or the guilty get pushed under a new name, a new category, and BINGO, all charges are forgiven or suspended.

I can’t say the crime. I don’t know if I would get in trouble or a knock at my door, so I will just say, it has been on the news, plastered on the internet, so I have to believe that there was truth in what happened at one point.

All I am trying to point out here is this; if you do the crime, I don’t give a hoot what your last name is or how many bundles you got in the bank, pay the price. You are no better than me or any other pebbles in this world.

People, quit giving the bad guys a break. How about giving a break to those of us older people who are fighting to eat every day, pay our rents and utilities, get rides to the doctors, struggle paying those co-pays. Oh shit, I could go on and on at the unbalance in our world, but hey, I am just that pebble, so who is really listening. Oh well, I feel better just getting this off my chest. I will sleep well tonight, will you?

 

Obviously, people who commit crimes should be punished. Even people who steal socks and ‘Snow White’ videos should probably do time if they have priors, especially serious priors. But the punishment has to fit the crime, and the standard has to be the same for everyone. Matt Taibbi
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/m/matt_taibbi.html

Be Grateful, Life Could be Worse

No matter how hard I am trying to stay positive, today is not one of the good days. It isn’t my  health; but yet my health plays a giant role. I am not unique; there are many in my situation. I can’t beat it; neither can anyone else, unless they know something I don’t.

By now, I bet your curiosity is up. Well, I will tell you. If you are disabled or living on the government’s assistance, you can smile and think,∴yes, I know what she is talking about now.  Yep, I got it.

Now don’t get me wrong. I am thankful for the roof over my  head. Heat when I need it and for being alive and safe, but I almost wish I lived with a roommate where help was more available. When you lean only on yourself, there aren’t many doors open. My problem is I pay the least possible in what I find I really would not like to live without, and this mainly includes; a way to reach the outside world or EMS, or talk to my kids, the cheapest of ways to be able to use the internet and the cheapest and lowest way of having sound within these walls.

Of course, there is auto insurance and other bills that deem important. Providing food is a task each month. I drive mainly for visits to the doctor, or visiting family. I guess it doesn’t really matter does it. The point is, everything seems off balance.

Not enough to live on and you know why? Because I made the choice to stay  home and raise my children instead of working, therefore not giving me enough credits to get a nice monthly check. Things will never change. When I reach 65 I won’t get anymore in my check.

This is when I hate Parkinson’s with a passion. It stops me dead in my tracks. I can’t get work. If I get work, I lose my medical insurance I carry through the government, or my rent raises so what’s the point of working? You can’t win over the system. I can’t work 40 hours, I can barely stand and walk for  more than a little at a time. Part/time work threatens a loss of help, which could cost me more dollars in the long run, then of course there is the issue of my balance.

So I would not have insurance offered by the company and would be forced to purchase my own. Have any idea what insurance purchased privately cost for a diabetic patient? I do, way too much.

I am so down in the dumps right now, because I know this is the way it will be until I die. If you have a job; be thankful. If you are dead tired, sleep. If you don’t have much money after paying bills’ thank God they are paid, next month is going to be different. If you don’t have to worry because the cupboards are getting bare, it will be alright, you have another paycheck coming in soon.

I guess what I am saying is; be grateful, life could be worse.