All Around the Merry Go Round

Lost time is never found again.

Once again I saw the article on the morning news. Another shooting in a school. Injuries and death were the final results.

I sit here as a Senior citizen and I just don’t remember my parents talking about this topic as a child. Of course; they could have hid this information from me but even as a youth; I didn’t see this on the National news.

As a kid, guns were mainly used for killing food for the table. Policemen carried guns to protect us from dangers.

We only heard about crime being done in the big, big cities. Today; guns can be bought underground and even in stores by almost anyone.

The rules have been changed as each major shooting is done but yet guns can still be placed in the wrong hands.

Does it really make a difference in new rules? Are we hitting the main target on these rules to keep the innocent safe?

There are people getting injured and killed by being in the wrong place at the wrong time. There are drive-by shootings. There are children being killed by those with emotional and mental problems.

I can almost guarantee that when I go to our local Wal-Mart; I will see at least one person carrying an armed weapon. Although I realize that person is protecting himself and his family from danger; it also gives me shivers seeing a real gun.

I grew up in another era. Sunday, stores were closed. Drugs were not running rampant among our streets. We could, as children, play outdoors into the dusk hours without fear.

How many people have to get killed before the right answer is in front of us? I don’t even know the right answer. Broken homes, lack of parenting, loss of employment, drugs, theft, the ME world is raging like venom being spat from a snake.

I wish the world would halt and pray together. I wish the President and the People connected. I wish God would be placed back in the government, schools and public places. I wish it were not a fear to pray in public.

I just wish. One day I will escape this and go straight to Heaven, but until then, how many need to have their lives taken early?

Happy Easter

People come together with their families to celebrate Easter. What better way to celebrate than to spend a few hours going on the journey of Christ’s life. Roma Downey

Yes, I remember. I remember the Easter Egg hunts as a child. Finding colored eggs. Dressing up in the fanciest clothes, sitting in church with the grown-ups. I remember all family getting together, saying grace, and eating so much food that we needed to run it off. I remember baby lambs and baby chicks.

Now that I’m an adult, I have the power of mind to make my own choices. I have the ability to listen and to read about Jesus Christ. I can choose to believe or choose to believe it is all hog wash.

I think it helped me when I read in the Bible that I would have to sell myself to the devil for a slice of bread. I know the fear was planted when I learned that I would burn forever in a fire with no escape.

Yes, I have my memories of Easters past but I am very thankful for the choices I have made as an adult.

Have a Happy Easter my bloggers and friends.

All in One Morning

There are so many ways to be brave in this world.

I don’t know what happened. I was thinking maybe my Dystonia was having its way with my foot while I napped.

I had to go to my primary doctor this morning for my three-month lab work. I could barely walk. Yesterday after taking an afternoon nap, I got up and I could not stand on my foot.

Dystonia is a movement disorder in which a person’s muscles contract uncontrollably. The contraction causes the affected body part to twist involuntarily, resulting in repetitive movements or abnormal postures. Dystonia can affect one muscle, a muscle group, or the entire body.

I forced myself to endure the pain because there was no one around to help me and I was determined to go to the local church with my friends for a home-cooked dinner. I limped and was unsteady on my feet; but I did make it.

Today was about the same. I couldn’t wear my shoes and although it was chilly outside; I wore my flip-flops. It was difficult to drive and walk or even move.

I decided to treat myself to a breakfast made by someone other than myself, so I went to our local pharmacy which has a cafe within. I used to take my brother there a lot because they have a large Coca-Cola collection and if you have followed my blog for years, you know he was obsessed with this product.

See photos

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My brother and I had been a part of this business since our parents started taking us when we were five and six years old.

My daughter worked there and I worked there. As I watched the waitress making my breakfast of eggs and bacon, I could almost hear my brother chatting away about all the Coca-Cola items.

My brother who has since passed away from Multiple System Atrophy.

As I watched her, I thought back to how many years ago it had been since I worked there and I could remember me racing up and down the path, filling orders. I thought I could really move quick.

Now, I couldn’t do that, no matter how bad I wished for it. Not only do the years fly by so quick as we age, any health issues can really slow us down. Still, I enjoyed my memories. I felt the ping of teary eyes thinking about how much I miss my brother and I reflected on my past months and can see my own progression in my health decline.

It really makes you stop and realize just how precious today actually is. It helps me keep working on being brave and dealing with medical issues. It helps me realize how much worse I could be. It helps me fight to walk today. Ignore the pain and smile because this is my life and today I have a chance to live it.







What About Today?

When you can’t find sunshine; be the sunshine

Today was cloudy and chilly when I got up. Part of me wanted to crawl back under the covers and go back to sleep but I knew I needed to get up.

I needed to thank God for giving me today. I needed to ask him to guide me through this day and help me to be a light to one other person.

I needed to exercise my one hand. I have Arthritis on my knuckle and two fingers. It helps them although it hurts so much at first. I needed to work my muscles in my legs so they don’t get weak. I needed to use my feet although they are in daily pain.

I have to try. When I help myself; God will help me.

It is now in the afternoon and I am glad I forced myself to do what needed to be done. Tomorrow, I will allow myself to sleep in a little, just like the old days when we were teens. How late do you sleep in? How late did you sleep in on the weekends when you were teens?

I hope your weekend will be nice. 55 degrees is predicted for Saturday and chillier on Sunday and Monday. Tomorrow evening is our Saturday night supper here where I live. A night I don’t have to eat alone!


It has been over two weeks since I finished my medication for my bronchitis. I still have that nagging cough remaining but can tell it is getting better. I went to the hospital and had my MRI. It was a real experience.

The machine took up the entire room. It reminded me of a big flying saucer and all white. There was a large table with lights and there were lots of magnets. It took some time for the tech to position me exactly how  he wanted me.

Wedges placed between my legs to lift them, between my arms so nothing touched anything and under my neck. My head was wrapped inside a plastic thing that looked like an over-sized football helmet and a cloth was placed over my eyes. All I saw was darkness.

After I was rolled under the lights, I heard rumbles or vibrations. These were making the neurons in my brain bounce in all directions. The rumbles went at different speeds and tones and was measured. Each set lasted three minutes and the entire process took a little over half an hour.

The conclusion came back clear. It doesn’t really mean anything to come back clear. Many neurological testings show nothing but yet we can all see there is definitely something going on.

I have my choice to go next to Cleveland Clinic for more testing. I can’t make up my mind but I’m leaning on the not going. I already know I have Ataxia. I have every symptom, so why waste more money on finding nothing.

Many MSA patients like my brother never found anything positive. The symptoms are what really told the diagnosis. I fit into this category also.

I have an appointment with my Science of Neurology doctor May 3rd. I will tell him about my MRI and my new symptoms.

I am progressing in my weakness and unsteadiness. My newest symptom is a little hard to explain. I walk a straight line but while walking my body drifts off to the right. Sort of weird but I have had it going on now a little over a week. I guess I will make my decision based on what this neurologist says.

Neurology is so mysterious. Everything happens within the brain. Nothing definite is usually found until after death testing. I just make up my mind to go for today. Hope for the best and do the best I can.

Oh the Valleys we Travel Through on our way to Heaven

It seems so right that I changed the name of my blog page to Who Am I, months ago. Why? Because anymore, I don’t really know who I am.

I know I am a child of God, but here on earth, I just don’t know. I know I am a mom to three and a grandma to several, but some days, I don’t feel like a good mom. I have one child who pretty much has disowned me, it seems. I have begged, pleaded, called and text but no answers are provided for me on what I may have done.

This has turned my health upside down. My blood pressure is now messed up going higher than lower. I am stressed with sadness that keeps my veil of happiness covered by blackness.

I have apologized, sat for hours wondering what I may have said or done without realizing it may hurt others. I am getting sick and I find myself wishing I was at the end of my journey here on earth.

I snap out of that thought though because I am not really ready to die yet. I even called my primary and neurologist and have spoken to both about this up and down blood pressure problem I am having.

I know that my diagnosis has been changed from Parkinson’s to probable MSA. This sickens me. Not so much because it will shorten my life; but because I won’t be as lucky as my brother was in having a sister to take care of him. I will go through this alone with God beside me; which means I am truly not alone.

Life has not been a bowl of cherries as of the past few weeks and I am grateful that Spring as officially arrived and I can get lost in my camera once again outdoors.

Oh the valleys we travel through on our way to heaven.


Memories for all time

I made your photo my cover
There really could be no other

It never fails to amaze me
That your photo drives me crazy.

It’s been five years this March
When you went to the golden arch.

I know you are a happy guy
I don’t even question why.

For God so loved you so
He saw your pain that glowed.

He raised you and stood you up
You drank from his healing cup.

I hope you understand
That I’m still living on this land.

My heart still aches for you so much
I wish I could reach your hand and touch.

You’d say nothing to me I remember
You started this one September.

Multiple System Atrophy
Brought nothing buy agony.

You suffered more than any I know
You deserved your time to go.

I’ll always love you my brother dear
In my heart I keep you very near.

Til the time comes and it’s my turn
Your memories in my heart will burn.

I miss you dear brother Al.
You will be gone five years, March 24th, 2019.
Love you so much,
Your sister, Terry Shepherd



It’s All in the Day

Tomorrow, I go to my Neurologist for my check-up. I do this every six months. I will be discussing with him; my new shoes made for my feet and my Ataxia and Dystonia.


  1. the loss of full control of bodily movements.



  1. a state of abnormal muscle tone resulting in muscular spasm and abnormal posture, typically due to neurological disease or a side effect of drug therapy.


I am also going to talk about the idea of me having a special type of Ataxia, which is; Sensory Ataxia.

Sensory ataxia

This is ataxia due to loss of proprioception. Proprioception is the sense of the relative position of neighboring parts of the body. It is a sense that indicates whether the body is moving with the required effort and gives feedback on the position of body parts relative to each other.

A patient with sensory ataxia typically has an unsteady stomping gait, with the heel striking hard as it touches the ground with each step. Postural instability becomes worse in poorly lit environments. If a doctor asks the patient to stand with eyes closed and feet together, their instability will worsen. This is because loss of proprioception makes the patient much more reliant on visual data.

The patient may find it hard to perform smoothly coordinated voluntary movements with the limbs, trunk, pharynx, larynx, and eyes.

The reason being is; I see advancement on when I close my eyes. I just can’t do it anymore without falling. I can’t look up nor can I look down; I fall within seconds. I know there isn’t anything anyone can do but I want to see if he thinks this may be happening to me.

My new shoes were taken back and the insert the company had provided for me to have better balance was replaced with a thinner insert. I don’t have the better balance; but the shoes fit better now.

Sometimes I ask myself why do I continue to make appointments with my Neurologist. I already know they can’t help me in so many ways but I keep them for records. I am on someone’s file for what is happening to me and it also helps me keep tabs on my advancement of this thing.

The Dystonia is what also affects my walking. The new shoes don’t seem to help that part. This is where my toes curl under anytime they feel like it.

I’m dealing with all this along with my Parkinsonism.

Parkinsonism is a clinical syndrome characterized by tremor, bradykinesia, rigidity, and postural instability. It is found in Parkinson’s disease (PD)—after which it is named—dementia with Lewy bodies (DLB), and Parkinson’s disease dementia (PDD), and many other conditions.

I’m dealing with it all because I know I could be so much worse off. Taking care of so many patients in my life time; things could be a whole different story for me.

And how is your week going?