The pattern was real. I mean every time I got hurt, my mama was surrounded by men. They had been handing her something each time and I finally heard one guy mention. “the money she was making.” I really didn’t know what that meant.
During the day hours, my brother and I were placed under the shade of trees. Different people would come and check on us. They would check to see if my little brother needed changing. Yes, he was the baby of the two of us. He still wet his pants while I am the older of us, I don’t pee my pants anymore.
If my brother cried, someone stuck a bottle in his mouth. I learned to keep quiet and sometimes I played another game I invented. I played, “I am asleep.” No one bothered with me but if I wanted something to eat; I made sure I was awake when they checked on my brother.
I usually got some sort of crackers and my brother got a bottle. Word was said to me when I was older that the reason I was a chubby kid was because I always had a bottle placed in my mouth. That isn’t true. Those people over there working under the trees seemed to like me and mama always said, “looks are real important.”
That wasn’t the beginning of my new life. My old life of feeling sad and sometimes alone was hidden somewhere in the closet of my mind. This new life didn’t happen every day and I was no good at counting at such a young age but I bet it happened two to three times a week.
Each time it happened, I saw the same bunch of people and men and once in a while, women lined up and at the head of the line was a woman who I recognized as our mama. What was she doing, I didn’t know for sure but I was pretty sure it had something to do with my brother and me, because the bad and painful game always followed.
When these nights played out, I had been creating my own game. I was in a Fairy land and I had lots of friends surrounding me that made me feel loved and I smiled a lot. I learned to visit this place every time rough hands touched me.
I had little bunny friends, and singing birds. There were always lots of pretty green trees and their leaves always seemed to smile down upon me. The strange thing was, is that my brother was never there with me. He must have decided not to come with me or maybe he had found a better place or maybe those bad people still had him.
These were not my mama’s hands. They felt rough and they were stronger than hers. Wait a minute. I never felt this before. I desperately looked for my brother but I didn’t see him anywhere.
Where is my mama? I can’t see her and I don’t hear her. Hold on, I don’t like that. You are making me cold. I want my mama. I want my brother. What are you doing? I didn’t wet my pants. I didn’t poop either. Stop it, I don’t like this. Mammmmmaaaa!!
I fell into a sleep and darkness took over my little body as the stranger with the bad breath and the rough hands did things to me that hurt. I don’t know when I woke-up, and all I really remember is feeling all alone.
I wanted my pacifier. No, I don’t use one of those anymore, but I do remember that they brought me great comfort at one time. I looked out from under the blanket that had been placed over me, and I saw my brother laying next to me with dried tears on his cheeks and he was asleep. Where is my mama?
Eyes grasping for sight but the blindness of the dark skies and the flickering of sparks from fire pits was all about all the human eyes could take in. Strange voices, drunken slurs and sounds like a gruff laughter rang throughout the empty spaces.
Every once in a while I could pick out that voice, the voice of my mama. She was saying things I hadn’t heard before. I could hear her say her name, but it was different than what I knew her, which was mama. She was talking too fast and yet what seemed different was that there was no yelling or screaming. My mama only knew high pitch voices, that’s how I recognized her.
I don’t think I was sitting very close to her because I didn’t feel her body heat and there was no snacks for me to chew on. I looked up and I saw these balls hanging from trees. I was sitting close to or under some kind of tree.
I had seen trees from the windows before. Sometimes mama would put me in a chair and from that position, I could see the outside. I wanted to go outside, and this time I got my wish.
Something I have greatly enjoyed all summer here in Warsaw, Indiana is my three beautiful Sand Hill cranes. They live in the woods behind me and I see and hear them daily.
I get an email weekly about interesting things to do and see in Indiana and today it is about my Sand Hill cranes. I thought you may enjoy looking at the photos of the birds I see and reading about them.
Sometimes kids don’t get a break. Sometimes kids are drug into the middle of adult’s crap and there is no escape.
That’s what happened to one three year old. Taken out of the familiar life she had known and thrust into a darkness she would not be able to see until many years later.
Stopping at rest areas, not sleeping in her own bed, seeing unfamiliar faces, crying with no responses. She looked over to the side and saw the face of her brother, but he always seemed to be sleeping.
At one point all got out of the car and they didn’t get back in for many days. This was the beginning of the worst days of her life.
I can’t explain how it happened; I only know when it started. No matter what I told myself, something bigger than me was taking my power.
I fought it, I argued with it, I slept it away, only to have it return when I woke-up. I tried crying but that didn’t work without any tears. I kept it to myself in order not to exaggerate it, but I was failing and I knew it.
I recognized it from years ago when I lived this same experience. I didn’t want a repeat. I wanted control over me once again, so I sought help.
Two days ago, I went to my primary doctor with several symptoms and because of higher than normal BP; they sent me to the ER, but the ER couldn’t find much. The only thing that was learned was my BP was not steady. Today, I went to my volunteer job. I told myself over and over again on the drive there, that I could do this!!!!
About fifteen minutes after arriving, my crazy symptoms reappeared. In front of staff, I was mentally arguing once again but I was drowning in a pit and I was so afraid that my internal would escape to my external and all would look.
I told my boss I was not having a good week, and since he knew about Tuesday because it happened at work, he said, “If you want to go home, go ahead, we have enough help today.” I smiled at him, I didn’t really want to go home, especially because I wasn’t there the entire shift Tuesday, but the more I thought about what could happen, I finally spoke the words, ” If you’re sure you’ll be covered without me, I will go home.” I apologized and he said no apology needed.
I grabbed my purse and left. I didn’t go home. I went to Med Stat and got checked out. The young and modern Nurse Practitioner was seeming to grasp immediately what the real issue was with me.
She said it was going to be a tough ride for the rest of my life due to all the neurological issues I have, but with a couple of prescriptions and a phone call made to a specialist, and a repeat visit to my primary doctor next Tuesday, she was sure she could get me back on track.
For the first time in a while, I smiled. I felt like someone understood. No one called me crazy or stupid. I was able to spew the puzzle pieces and she put the puzzle together.
I am so thankful I went and that I left work early. I other wise may not have made those last minute decisions I did. I know I am going to beat the negative power in my life sooner than later.
I really don’t know what’s been going on with my body lately. I know stress has grabbed hold of me because that’s just what happens when I don’t feel well.
The feelings I have been having of late, are light-headed or dizzy and internal tremors. I seem to be tired so much more than I used to but associate some of that with my age climbing.
The last few days have been my worst. This morning I was planning on going to my volunteer job but when I got up to get ready the internal tremors took over. I can hardly stand when this happens and the second thing that happens is anxiety.
I live alone and am afraid of falls or something. I just felt like crap actually. I love my job and was determined to go to work, but my inner head kept saying, run by your doctor’s office and just get your blood pressure checked.
First I checked my sugars and they were good. I got dressed for work and then did listen my in inner self and headed to the doctor’s office. I would have called them first, but they have a new practice to follow now which I don’t care for at all.
I make the call. It is directly passed into an answering service who takes my request and says they will send it over to the doctor’s office. Sometimes I have to wait two to three days for response and this upsets me. Of course there is the ER at the hospital, but that is much more expensive, so I just stopped by.
I have been going to this doctor for probably twelve years so they know me well. I was told to sit for a moment and someone would come get me and check my BP. I so appreciated them taking their time to do this for me.
When it was checked, I learned my doctor was not in today. I had the choice of going to a Med clinic, or driving out of town to the on call doctor or going to the ER. I asked how high my BP was and what their opinion was.
I was told it was high and with the symptoms they advised the ER. Once back out in my car I called my work and told them I would not be in today and why. I drove the short distance to the hospital and by the time they called me back to check me in, my internal tremors had subsided and my BP was back to normal.
I was then told to have a seat and someone would come get me. I waited for some time and no one came. I then talked to the receptionist and asked how much longer and I explained that the nurse said my BP was normal and she seemed a bit surprised that I was there.
I asked if I could leave and make a new appointment with my doctor since everything seemed alright now and she said that was fine.
I went back to my doctor and have an appointment for next Tuesday. I feel more comfortable being in his office than an ER. It does seem that my internal tremors cause my anxiety to rise which causes my BP to raise.
I don’t know what will happen next but I have let God know my concerns and have asked him for healing. So now, hopefully all will be alright until my next appointment.
The heavens bolted and roared God looked down in tears Everything he’d invented Was destroyed this very year.The clouds returned to dust The sun had disappeared The earth entirely shattered In this very year.Family, friends and helpers Were gone and nowhere here Trying to save each other In this very year.Our hearts remain still broken We still mourn with many tears For the invasion of the towers In this very year. Written by, Terry Shepherd 09/11/2021
It seems like nothing but to me it’s a big deal. I wake up and the sun is shining. The window is open and a gentle breeze is blowing, bringing me the smells of damp bark and dew on the grass. Birds are chirping and squirrels are running. I hear my favorite bird, the Sand Cranes.
I watch daily as I see my birds and ponder on how much longer they will remain before they head south for the winter. I smile at each day I still am lucky to see them. I really miss them when they leave.
I drink my coffee and am listening to the news in the background. This, to me, is priceless. It actually sets my day ahead for me.
I just hate it when here in Indiana, we have cloud cover and rain, day after day. I don’t think I get any sort of depression over gray, but the sunshine just peaks my personality.
What small thing do you do that gets you hyped up for the day?