Underneath The Colors
Thinkinggood thoughts about myself is something I don’t practice often. Hearing nice comments about…
Thinking good thoughts about myself is something I don’t practice often. Hearing nice comments about me still makes me blush.
When I see my reflection in the mirrors, some days I can stand and look amazed at how my face is not full of wrinkles for the age I am. Other days I want to run and hide as I see what age has done to me.
I guess acceptance is something I never learned. Are we taught to accept ourselves? Is it possible that we just own it and go through life knowing we are special and unique creatures.
Since Al has been home from the nursing home I rarely have time to stand in front of my mirror and study myself. When he was temporarily a way I did have the time and became hooked on the two words, “Pity Party”.
Thank goodness I don’t do this anymore. In my eyes there was always a more beautiful creature than me. He was taller, she was thinner. I was never satisfied with who I was. I could stand in front of the mirror and count on both hands all of the flaws I see.
From this I was telling myself I am a failure, and being so closely involved with Al’s illness God has shown me that I am most definitely not a failure.
The qualities that I know I own are not always visible to the naked eye. God has helped me to understand that it takes time to make true friendships. He taught me that we all have problems in our lives.
Isn’t it odd how God uses Al’s illness to give me what I always lacked? Making so many friends here at WP has helped me to realize that I am real. I am not only a mother. I am a person, a child of God. I have a heart and soul.
I sometimes feel like the creature in the photo above. I am Terry. I am unique. I can be odd at times. I can scribble on paper and someone will understand what I wrote.
I love colors. I think that is what attracted me to this particular photo. To me when I first saw it I thought how ugly, but then looking at him for a spell, I saw beneath the surface. I saw the beauty.
I decided to do my own writing exercise. To see on black and white what I actually thought about me. I look back at my words and I can hear my mother’s words coming back at me. ” It isn’t polite to talk about yourself. You are no better than anyone else.”
This is very true Mom. I am no better than her or him, but I am me, and that’s good enough in my book.
Thank- you to everyone who reads and follows my blog here at WP. I had a nudge from God to begin writing. I didn’t know where to start. God wanted me to learn things about myself, and he knew I was lost and lonely. Without you, I would still be several feet back. Hugs to all of you.
To what extent is your blog a place for your own self-expression and creativity vs. a site designed to attract readers? How do you balance that? If sticking to certain topics and types of posts meant your readership would triple, would you do it?
My blog is probably read by some that I wish it wasn’t. But for the most part I am free to write not only the surface truth, but the real under the gut truth.
On this blog you are reading on, I write about Inspirational Stories. I hope that some may reach your heart and cause you a smile. Others may bring a tear. Yet there are some who may even relate to what I am writing about.
This blog has allowed me to face facts about people in my life. I have learned to quit feeling so bad when I feel like I am non-existent. I don’t dwell on things as much as I used to.
I have learned that I have something others enjoy. I am not saying I have talent or am a wonderful writer. I think I speak in terms that get my point across and I am definitely not big on long words we have to seek the dictionary for.
I have been able to write a book on here. From what I understand from my Editor, it is about ready to become public. I have ventured out a little and have started on a second book and even a third.
I don’t have a title for the second book. It just goes by chapters for now. Many of you read this one and the third one that is about my brother’s life journey. Writing the last book has been very difficult.
This blog has been a teaching tool for me. I have learned more from writing about myself and Al and people near and far then I could have learned from any therapy book.
I also have a blog attached to this called Quotes,http://quotes4meandyou.wordpress.com
This section of my blog has taken a while to take off but it is steadily growing now.
I have one more blog that is linked to these two called, Music That Calms Me. http://mymusicthatcalmsme.wordpress.com I love this site as I can share with my friends all over the world. There are songs that I adore but other countries have not heard of the titles. I can also play them myself when I am in the mood for relaxing music.
I usually keep this music blog for relaxing, but there are some faster music and orchestra plus oldies.
But when you come to my blog, you can pretty well kick off your shoes, get your favorite drink and sit back and listen to the relaxing music, read a quote, and then dig into my short stories. I hope I keep things interesting. I don’t want to bore anyone. The facts are though that my life revolves around my brother, Al, and getting into people’s hearts and souls.
Yes, this is all my space. Mine alone. Even a divorce can not take it a way from me. It is like my purse. My purse is something I never let a child or husband get into it. It is like going to the bathroom and leaving the door open.
So would I stick to one topic that I wrote because it drew hundreds more guests? I think at this time I would have to say no. I have just been learning to accept me for who I am and what I represent. Why would I want to go and change things now after I am able to look in the mirror and say hi and I see a smile reflecting back at me?
Tell us about another blogger who has influenced your own online journey.
Every comment has influenced my journey here at WP. I won’t go in to the old repeated story of how I came to begin my journey of writing. But I do once again have to say one important statement. Without God I could do nothing, including writing down my thoughts that are sometimes silly to others and don’t make sense.
There have been many people who have Liked, clicked, commented or shared advice. None of you probably understand how I sit here behind the desk and reach out grabbing on to and clinging to your words.
I can’t have it both ways. I can’t be the person who wishes for a different style of living and yet doesn’t force myself to go out in search of anything different.
There is a huge chunk of me that likes who I am today. Yes, I am sort of a loner. A person who in the real world tends to hide behind my feelings. But on here I have no fear stopping me.
You have accepted me through my lonely times, my sad tears, and sometimes my humor that comes out in my writing. What else could I be doing rather than this? I am not sure. Sometimes I don’t want to know what else is in the world to get into.
I have definitely changed through the year I have been here at WP. I have learned to accept that I am a little different from each of you. I realize it is alright to not be like the Jones’ next door. I have discovered that no matter what I try to do differently, the heart and soul of me is to be a caregiver.
Not just a caregiver for my brother, but a concerned, caring person for others. We all have issues at times. There really is no one that doesn’t feel pain and sadness at times. Life throws many beach balls in our direction and sometimes they smack us right in the face. Letting us feel loss of friendships, partners, family members and even loss of which direction we are heading.
I am no longer ashamed to admit that I need you and your friendship. I am not afraid to let you know that I look for your comments and that I take them to heart and sometimes in my dreams I dream of you standing beside me in my own journey of life.
Does this mean I am weak? I don’t think so. Is it wrong to admit that we need others in our lives in order to remain strong and solid? No, I think it shows courage and guts to admit that we can not tarry this road of life alone.
To sit here and say one blogger has made a difference in my life would be an outright lie. It is all of you. Each of you bring something different to the table. I am able to fly off as a bird does with his worm in his mouth. I am able to build the nest that I have been working on for so long with Al.
I can now bring stronger comfort to him. I can stand a little taller because of you. I can pick up my phone and dial your number and hear your words of comfort. I have been invited to visit some. I have been called by others to be only told, I am thinking of you………
This means the world to me. So for this prompt, I am going to toss it out the window. I will break the glass into hundreds of slivers. Slivers that sparkle with names of you falling gently around me.
I am blessed. I am truly a lucky gal who has let God open my heart to write and make life long friendships. Thank- you each of my special friends and family of writers.
A marriage is for keeps
Never to be undone
This isn’t told as a fairy tale
This is for love and we’ve just begun.
We promise to accept
Each other for who we are
With starry lights within our eyes
And dreams for here and afar.
The marriage goes from day one
To a few years down the road
When suddenly we decide
We may have married a toad.
Our new goal is to change
The things we do not like
Our eyes are tunnel blind
He will change or take a hike.
We must stop and smell our rose
And remember why we chose him
We promised to accept all there was
No one is perfect and without any sin.
We can not erase what we do not want
Or badger as his wife
We find the things where we can blend
And choose a wonderful life.
Do you ever feel like you do not fit in? You know, does your phone ring often inviting you to this or not? Does your phone ring just because someone is dying to talk to you?
I can remember when I was a kid and the phone seemed to ring off the hook once Mom got home from work. Friends from her work were calling or her and Dad’s friends were calling inviting them to maybe go out to eat.
When I got married and had three children at home, life seemed to be a big spinning top. There was something always going on. I had one and then two good friends that I did things with that included our kids.
There was always something going on. School activities, sledding in the winter, swimming in the summer. Taking the kids to their friends houses. Grocery shopping, laundry and cleaning the house.
Then one day the one good friend and I had a difference of opinion that led into a life long separation. I was down to one friend. The kids grew up and started lives of their own. I ended up divorced and I started tuning into more television crap and drama.
The television taught me that the excitement was found in being with other people. Drinking, bars, parties seemed to be quite popular. The way I looked was wrong according to the social media. I was not thin enough or tall enough. My hair products were not good enough. The right brand of make-up was not correct.
I went through the outer change of life. I doctored the outer surface of me. I changed my
hair. Cut colored, tried a different look of clothing. It drew me some new head’s turning from some guys. The problem was that it wasn’t the right kind of attention that I wanted.
I tried visiting the bar scene a few times. With only ordering my diet coke I could not be the life of the party as some seemed to be. I finally quit that. I instead turned to the internet. Seeking companionship and new friends through various chat rooms. I talked to this one guy for over six months. Through an error in his chat a looked over fact came to sight. I was actually speaking to a girl.
I hate being lied to. It is my biggest pet peeve in the whole wide world. It takes no time at all to give someone my trust, but it takes for ever to earn trust back. I dug myself in my work caring for others. I worked many hours. When I would go home to my box size apartment, there was my computer waiting for me. I went about my business of doing the shopping thing and visiting my friend, but basically I spent my time with myself.
There are times I wish for a date or someone to go out to dine with, I am not going to lie. Getting married is out of the picture for me. I don’t want the training of a mate anymore, lol. I like being my own boss.
Writing has introduced me to so many people. I have gained the friendship of many. I have been blessed to have friendships that have gone even deeper. Meeting each other, phone conversations.
I don’t know why the media is based on a number. If there is any of us who have the slightest doubt of who we are, we can fall prey so easily to the hype and start feeling bad about ourselves.
Thanks to writing I have accepted there are things I can change. I can change my health to a point. I can get this body more fit. I didn’t say thin or glamorous , but fit. I can lower my blood sugars. I can even change the style and color of my hair.
But the fact is I can not change what I was made up of. My genes, my thought process is pretty much mine. I own it. I have discovered that I don’t need lots of friends. I have a few real close ones. I don’t need to drink, because truth be said, I hate the taste of the stuff. I don’t need to fit in, because I was already made perfect in God’s eyes, so I fit in just fine in his eyes.
I like going to bed when I feel like it. I like the silence of my life. I get plenty of noise when I go see Al. I get laughter when my family comes to visit. My phone does ring and it is friends who want to just talk. I am who I am. I help others when I can. I actually think the social media almost destroyed me, but thankfully I saw the light before it was too late.
Today, I will tinker around my house. Maybe change my sheets. I will do a load of laundry. I definitely will write. I probably will take a nap. I choose not to go out today, unless I get an invitation. I boiled some eggs and will make egg salad for supper. I will listen to some Piano Guy music.
It is alright, in fact it is fantastic, to say the words out loud. To jump and yell yes! I love being me. I like who I am. I go through valleys and mountains of course. But what is great about it is I have all of you to stand by me through the disappointments and joys of life. How much better can it be?
Jeans down to the crack
Showing respect is oh so lax
Boxer shorts in colors galore
Makes my eyes wish for no more
What is the statement being made
When my face turns crimson and many shades
I want to believe that they have smarts
But all I see is brains come apart
Each of us were made to be
To fit in with our family
We were given talents to share
Not to see your underwear
The pressures of being a youth today
Cause many kids to go a stray
To be accepted in a group
Has thrown their thoughts for a loop
I know that once I was a teen
And I wanted to be oh so keen
An ear was pierced, my dad got mad
I wanted to fit, but he mad me sad
I wore skirts and little shirts
Mom said be careful, when playing in dirt
Don’t show your privates to other eyes
Don’t lie in grass, legs to the skies
Cross your legs, don’t let eyes in
Because you don’t want to cause others to sin
Now most morals have left the door
Anything goes from shore to shore
I am glad my parents cared
And loved me by the way they shared
That staying true to who you are
Will keep you close and not drift too far.