My Little Angel


Tip toe down the stairs, she stops. She looks and she listens. Tears start to form and drip softly down her cheeks. Her finger goes in her mouth. She says nothing. Too scared to move.

She hears a groan coming from the floor. This forces her little feet to take a new step. Step by step she makes it down to solid floor. Cautiously, tenderly, she moves closer to where the sound was coming from.

She looks to the side of her. She turns and looks behind her. No one is standing near by. No familiar people to turn to. More tears drip as she leans down and softly touches the hands so familiar to her.

The feel of skin leads her to put her little hand inside the bigger hand. She stares at the quiet form on the floor. Her other free hand goes for her mouth and her lips hug tightly around her thumb bringing security in a way nothing else could at this moment.

She stands and looks down at the face and then turns around. She walks toward the front door and her little hands clumsily grasp the door until it is turned and the door gently invites her to the outside world.

She walks down the sidewalk and not knowing where she is going she drifts towards the street. Cars begin to honk, letting her know she is in danger. A car stops. A tall man, taller than her daddy gets out and he makes a loud noise with some kind of shiny thing in his mouth.

Traffic comes to a stop. The man comes slowly towards her. He kneels down and he talks softly to her. He has a nice voice like her daddy. He starts to pick her up and she turns and runs towards the front door.

The nice man follows her and she leads him to the quiet form on the floor. He makes a call. An ambulance arrives. The officer picks her up and puts her  in the front seat of his car and she watches him as he gets in on his own side.

The car starts and it follows the ambulance. Bright, shiny lights hurt her eyes. She rubs them with her chubby little fist. The man takes her to the big counter. He sits her up on it. A lady in white picks her up and cuddled her softly to her chest.

The man disappears. The lady takes her to a room where there are toys. A new lady is there and she has a pretty smile. Soon the room is filled with lots of ladies in white. The nice officer comes in soon.

Clapping and cheering the little girl, they have a big bowl of ice-cream for her. The cheering is of  happy voices. She claps her hands together and giggles wanting to join in the fun. The little girl had saved her mommy’s life. Her mommy had a low blood sugar reading and didn’t have much time before her life would be in a dangerous situation.

After the ice-cream was eaten the nice man picked her up and took her to a door. He pushed it open and the little girl held out her arms. She was being transferred to her mommy’s arms  who now was no longer quiet, but had the warm smile that she recognized so well. Mommy’s alright, mommy’s alright. You saved my life little angel.

Written by,

Terry Shepherd

02.21.2014

angel girl

Let The Angels Come, But Please Dry My Tears


I am so tired. My back is aching. I had no caregiver help today, and on top the other caregiver called off for tomorrow. My heart just sunk. Al is worse as of last night and I so did not want to be alone when he passed.

I am not saying he will pass tonight or tomorrow, but I won’t be surprised if he does. Last night I was having terrible times with his catheter. Today only got worse. I couldn’t even empty it because of what happens when the kidneys are shutting down.

Hospice nurse came out today and ended up taking his catheter out and putting a new one in. Now since 4pm he has had nothing but solid blood going through. It scares me, I am not even going to lie, but I knew I would have someone with me tomorrow, but not now.

The weather is bad or supposed to be high winds and below zero temperatures. I don’t want either of the girls to wreck or anything and yet I need the help. Too bad Al didn’t get worse in the summer, right?

I called Hospice back this evening and the only thing she said was,” Well he said he was dying in two days, right? Well, I guess I could have scraped the prostate, but anyways, it is almost all over.”

Let me tell you how much that did not help me hearing those words. Tonight I feel about as low as I can go. I was up until 3am with Al last night due to his pain and catheter. I was planning on going back to bed when the caregiver arrived, but that didn’t happen.

Now he is having his labored breathing and just staring into space. His cheek and one eye swelled up last night with fluid. Now that has left and the opposite eye is swelling up now. Hospice said that since the heart is slowing down I will notice pools of fluids in places. I guess that is one of them.

The swelling left in his one hand after having an internal catheter, but now the opposite hand is the size of a baseball glove.

I’m tired my friends. I’m drained to the bottom. There is absolutely no reason Al is hanging on and if there is a God out there, why would he want Al to suffer when there is nothing left but pain and bleeding and swelling to deal with. It just doesn’t seem right or fair or logical to me. I hope I get some sleep tonight, but with the constant bleeding, I doubt if my mind will shut down. Probably going to sleep in the recliner again tonight covered up with my best friend’s blanket she left here.Angel_Wings__Animated__by_Iaeniceye crying

Daily Prompt; The Luckiest People


http://dailypost.wordpress.com, #DP, Daily Prompt

Who was the first person you encountered today? Write about him or her.

Photographers, artists, poets: show us PEOPLE.

The first person my eyes laid on this morning was Al. Yes, he was breathing. I stopped in the doorway and just enjoyed watching those lungs go up and down. I know he will be better off when he is in heaven; but I am on the fence.

The sister in me tells him all the time that he has my permission to go. But there is a little fight going on inside my head. The emotion and the reality. It is so hard to let a loved one go without dragging behind it sorrow and sadness, tears and broken hearts.sorrow

I gaze over the person lying so still in that bed and I stand in shock as I visibly take in at the huge amount of weight loss. My heart skips a beat as I see this MSA winning over his spirit.

Rhino our cat sits by my side taking the view in also. He rubs against me as if trying to comfort me.DSC00159 Rhino spent a few hours guarding Al’s bedroom last night. I know in my heart that he knows the truth as I do. Rhino and I will carry our sadness together one day soon. He will climb in my lap and I shall shed tears on his fur.

Floods of pages race through my mind as I replay all of the fun things Al and I have done the past six years. I will never be able to walk into another auction without thinking Al is by my side. I will smile to myself as I vision him going through all of the items for sale, looking for a coca cola item.coca cola flag

Going past a buffet restaurant will always bring a tear to my eye as I recount the numerous times Al made choices without any help.

I haven’t blogged about Al in a couple of days. There is nothing much to say. Pretty much everything is the same and yet there are slight hints that his time is nearing.

He is sleeping most of the day and nights now. He is eating very little. Each night at bedtime he request I pray for him to have God deliver Mom and Dad to come take him home.

Most of the conversations between him and me are when he is hurting or needing a drink. He rarely ask for food and when he does eat, it is mainly still the ice-cream. When his eyes are open, sometimes I wonder if he is here with me as he seems to stare straight ahead.

There is a peace in his room that I can not describe. It is as if someone other than me is rocking him gently, keeping him warm until the final call is heard.rocking-chair

Every night I give permission for Al to go on to heaven, as long as he saves me a spot. Those big, blue eyes look into mine and I know without a doubt he will do this.Al and Rhino 3

The angels will fly down and take him gently to heaven where he will once again smile.Angel_Wings__Animated__by_Iaenic

Tears will fall as I say my final goodbye, remembering he was and is the best brother in the whole wide world.

I love you buddy, don’t ever forget.

 

 

The Vision


Short and sweet because I am trying to deal with what just happened. The only reason I am  posting is for your comforting words because I am weak.

Al and I have spent some wonderful quality time together tonight. But not all of it was good. He told me he felt like there was a big elephant on his chest. Then he told me he thought he was having a stroke.

I checked his vitals but they are not out of the ordinary of what they usually are anymore. Then he told me he saw trucks driving out of Egypt and in front of them was ladies with wings………………..

Nightangels

Even Through the Night We Are Watched Over


Forget the toothpicks, put a way the splash of cold water. Get on your knees and ask the almighty God to do the difficult task that you can’t do. What is it?

Well my friends, Al never fell asleep last night until almost one in the morning. At two, four and five am he had me in his room. He was asking for pain medication and to be turned over.

When you are reaching the stage of nearing sixty, you can’t help but take a quick over view of what your heart is going to do after suddenly going from resting to rolling over a two hundred and fifty pound male.

I don’t actually think Al weighs that much any longer. He feels lighter but still, the heart is quickly in action. It is among these times before I grab the draw sheet that I quickly ask God for his blessing of power and control to turn Al over.

He can’t seem to be able to lift his cup, so I quench his thirst and massage his legs and then tuck him back in. I give him a quick rub on the arm asking him if he needs me for anything else. He quietly says, ” Sorry sis, sorry to wake you up. No, I don’t need anything.”

Of course I tell this gentle giant that it’s alright. It is no problem, this is what sisters are for. Then I watch through the glow of the white Christmas lights the tears once again start to fall from his eyes.

I lay my head on his shoulder and grab his hand and tell him it’s alright dear brother. Everything is going to be fine. God is in control of everything we do. Then I stand back up and pick up his head and move it in a more comfortable position on the pillow.

I roll up a pad and place it between his legs because his legs are in contraction. This will cause great sores from skin on skin plus it makes it hell to try to spread them in order to change his brief.

He is crying and his nose is running. Between soft sobs I can make out the words of how sorry he is that he woke me up. He explains how he doesn’t want me to tell him everything is going to be alright, when he knows himself he is getting worse.

I am forced to listen to words of how he is ready to die. I don’t know if God would approve of this or not because I hold no title, but I rested my head back on his shoulder and I grabbed his hand and held it. Then I prayed with and over Al. I am sure I must have sounded like a minister of sorts. God if you don’t approve of me pretending to be a preacher, I am sorry, but I have to bring comfort to a man in great pain and need of meeting you face to face.

I waited until he drifted off to sleep for another short session and then I stood back up and quietly walked out of his room. For me, hearing the old Hospice doctor tell me Al will be here for a few more months doesn’t cut it.

As I see the changes in him in this one week, I paste my vision of my brother’s eyes looking into mine into my memory box. I am never quite as sure anymore if I will see them open or not.

I walked back into my bedroom where I got a scolding from Rhino the cat. He was telling me it is still dark outside and I am supposed to be keeping him company while his fat fur ball lays there and snores. Yes, Rhino snores.

I smoked a cigarette thinking about how much more will Al’s body contract before it is finished and I remember back to the many patients I have taken care of. What a struggle it was to try to bathe or change them. I remember fingernails contracted so bad that the palms of their hands were bleeding.

I let a silent few tears slide then I got back out of bed ignoring Rhino and got on my knees and asked, ” Dear Lord, I know it is too early to early to get up, but I am wide awake. I am asking you to  hold my eye lids open for a while and let me speak to my friends on the internet. Then I will try to get a few more winks of sleep before Al calls out to me again.

I have three and a half hours before the helper arrives. When she gets here I may sneak off to my room for a nap. It will be empty of Rhino as he will be on Al’s bed guarding him for the day.

jesuslookingdown