Open Your Heart And Join Me in Prayer
I hear all kinds of things in one day. Birds singing, cats meowing, TV chatter. The ring of a bell coming from Al. Washer humming, dryer singing. Trucks, cars and planes. So many noises murmur and surround us every single minute.
How do we end up tuning in on what is needed to hear and what is needless chatter? Have you ever been in the presence of another person talking and you really aren’t listening? I have. I have even been guilty of some how muttering answers and not even knowing the question that was asked of me.
Do you believe everything you hear? I know I don’t. What about when it is a very important person talking, do you tune in then? That is what I am doing right now, listening without actually tuning in.
The President is on the voice box and I am listening but am I taking it all in? How can I? I have been told so many different things I don’t know what it truth anymore and what isn’t. You hear others speaking. I hear my friends voice opinions. I hear the news. I read the articles.
I think I am more confused today than ever. A government shut-down, is something I just don’t understand. Oh, I know the consequences of what can happen to us that try to live our ordinary lives. I know that the poor will hurt more, the homeless will remain longer. The starving may not find that one scrap of food.
But who wins? I don’t know the answers anymore. I guess I will just have to pray harder that God places his hand deep inside the hearts and souls of us Americans. I pray that peace will come over. Decisions will be made for the people’s best interest.
Only God knows the truth of why this is happening, and how the outcome will be. Let us all join together and hold hands and pray that this problem will be solved with no one being hurt through the process.That the truth shall be heard and seen. Hugs.
Against My Ear
I pick you up
And put you to my ear
Waiting for the
Only you can share
For I have…
I pick you up
And put you to my ear
Waiting for the
Only you can share
For I have questioned
For quite some time
Why I am living
In these days
What is my purpose
What is my gift
Only you can tell
Me as I listen
With the shell
Against my ear.
When you’re unwell, do you allow others to take care of you,
or do you prefer to soldier on alone? What does it take for you to ask
Photographers, artists, poets: show us HELP.
It seems this has been a day for answers. I have waited and fought my way through the systems for a few months now. I started the process of bringing my brother back home clear back in February.
When I work so hard to help another soul, I tend to put my problems in a basket and shove it in the corner. I always think to myself, Oh Terry, you don’t have it near as bad as Tom, Dick or Mary Sue. Just wait ….you can deal with it later.
But this year seems to bring more issues that deal with Al and involve me involuntarily. I have begun to feel like these problems, this illness is all mine. I live it, feel it and have come to you over and over for a soft pillow to fall on to.
Today I got the word from the Ombudsman that I have been working with for a couple of months. I got the special call from the Waiver department, stating Al may possibly be coming home next week.
The one other issue that I have been dealing with gets on my nerves so bad. I have to deal with it; but constantly waiting for the call-back really makes my skin crawl. Hopefully tomorrow that issue will be handled also. Of course it has to do with Al too.
The worst thing that I deal with is humility. I just hate begging. I was taught that I made my bed, now I can just lie in it.
Well this isn’t always the truth when you are a caregiver for a family member. Sometimes their problems become your priorities. This is the one time this has happened. Al’s bill or debt as we are all familiar with this term has become my priority.
It killed me emotionally. It brought tears to my eyes that you would think I can not get things done or work things out. That I had to come to you begging and letting you know I can’t make all things right was the hardest thing I have had to post about yet.
If I am ill, like I was last January, I was sick for one month. I didn’t venture out of the house except for doctor visits. I felt like I was going to die. I was weak and some days I could barely get off the floor.
I blogged about it, but I never asked for help of anyone. I prayed and let God hear all my concerns.
I just don’t want to bother anyone. I know there are so many others so much worse off than me. Sure life is stressful. Al isn’t easy to take care of. But, we each have two arms, and two legs, and there are others in this world who have less.
I am not rich, I am poor, but there are people even more poor than me because I do have a roof over my head.
So, you know things have to be tough or I have reached the end of the road and have no way out except listen to God and do what he tells me. I would rather hide everything bad that has to do with my days under a bushel and ask God to let it shine.
I guess when it is all said and done, I am a soldier alone. Trying to make things work from my ideas and monies I have. If I feel like I or Al are going to drown, I will make my concerns public.
Al lives within his own world. He doesn’t look outside his mind very often. Trying this in the past caused too much confusion and break downs. It is much safer to stay within his own realms.
Many have claimed to know the answers. Hooking up machines, filling out forms, spending mega dollars for yet more unknown answers. Stirring the embers within the soul causing fires to erupt. Bringing more anguish from that point on.
Abuse of the tongue remains locked with inside the walls. Struggling to bring them to the surface and release to the open skies is very hard work. Counselor’s in abundance working their magic wands. They are sure they have the fix. The problem still remains within the egg-shell. This has been cracked before. Now leaving bits and pieces of runny memories to slip through the cracks. The ability to not handle this causes more grief and fear than before.
Why should Al be forced to endure this agony time and time again? Can’t we all pretend that we really don’t know the deep answers to each soul that walks this earth? Is it wrong to just let things rest?
Must we all fit into one carton of eggs? If we accept the fact that eggs come in many shapes and colors, then is it alright to accept that everyone does not fit under one umbrella? Is there anything wrong with admitting defeat?
I want to see peace remain in the days left to breathe on this earth. Others disagree with my too common words. We must push, push and push more to make him whole again are their words.
What if Al can never be what we consider normal? What if the best we are ever going to see was in the yesterdays. When is it time to release this special-needs bird and let it rest in its own nest?
Some say you are causing mountains out of mole hills Al. Others believe you want attention. Maybe you do, I do not know for sure. I certainly can understand if this is the case. You were the one tormented your entire life. How would I react myself if the shoe were placed on the other foot?
I am tired folks. I am tired of beating my head against the cement wall. The only thing it does is make me more tired. Frustration kicks me in the ribs and I fall to my bed crying. Your eyes of pleading remain to haunt me at night. I can see you are whispering to me, please make them leave me alone. I have enough to do to handle my every day routine.
I am tired, so very tired. There are parts of me that want to race into Al’s room and scoop him up in my arms and head for the solitude of the mountains. To lift Al up on the highest peak. Raise him into God‘s warm hands.
I pray many times each day for peace to fill you up dear brother. It has become such a challenge I am almost beat down to the ground. I don’t know if it is the sister in me. Or maybe it is my relationship with the heavenly Father. Or maybe it is all the pressures that surrounds you to be more like them. I look into the heavens as I sit here writing. I pray out loud to God, Lord you know my heart. You also know Al much better than even I do. Show me God how to handle this delicate soul walking this side of earth. Let me be strong when I need to be. Let me feel compassion and give me the understanding my dear Father to see Al’s side that he lives in. Amen
Can it be this easy
To see stress leave
Or am I just lucky
That no one has grieved.
Is knowing that help
Is on its way
To save the damsel
And the man who does sway.
Not one tear has escaped
As we sat down and talked
We both know there is help
So he can continue to walk.
Two extra hands can only be good
To help with all things that we do
I pray that she shows and isn’t too late
As I knock on each piece of wood.
I thank each of you
For the prayers that you gave
You know that my quest
Was asked not by one but by twos.
I do not know what tomorrow will bring
But I thank God for this wonderful day
Giving strength and some peace for each of us
It brings joy to my heart, and now it does sing.
I wish I would have become a brain surgeon, yes a brain surgeon! I would understand how the brain works much better than I do now. If I didn’t get it or understand it, I could go in and make changes. LOL. I am just here to blog tonight, only because I am amazed at how the brain works!
I blogged earlier today, asking for help for my brother and me. Without going further with the same blog from today, I want to comment on how amazed I always am at Al’s brain.
I stated earlier on how I often wonder if he understands and comprehends what I am saying to him as we talk about God and Satan. Sometimes as I leave his bedroom, I am the one more confused.
Tonight, he is in a good mood. The tears dried up from last night and this morning, and he is back to laughing at the animal commercials and people on the television. He is watching Jeopardy now. I am minding my own business, but I can hear him right behind me.
To me this game is beyond me. It is smarter than I am and I do not like knowing that I am dumber than I thought! LOL. On the other hand, Al, loves this show and in most days, he looks forward to it. I am amazed. The tough questions are being asked and the players sometimes know them and sometimes draw a blank, and in the background I hear Al peeling off the answers quite often, and hearing from Alex, yes, you are correct. Al will sit here and laugh, telling the television, you thought you had me on that didn’t you Alex, you can’t fool me, I knew the answer! How can this be?
Did we not eat the same breakfast cereals each morning? Did mom put something extra in his vitamins that I didn’t get? You know, he is smarter than I am. His memory, although he has dementia, is much better than mine, and yet I can not seem to get across to him about Satan being mean and God being good.
It just amazes me, the brain and how it works. The cells making all the right connections to the right areas, and although a big seizure has destroyed many of his cells, he is still so smart. Doctors have determined years ago that he is mentally challenged. Mental challenge does not affect the whole brain, just parts of it. I have worked with mentally challenged people before and I have always noticed that there are areas that they shine brighter in than others.
I hate labels. Genius, mentally challenged, disabled, weird, different, odd. The only way my brain can define this, is we all have stronger areas in our brains that seem to outshine more than other areas.To me, the only correct label here is unique. We are all human beings with brains, but each of us unique.
Well, like I said, I wish I was a brain surgeon, because I would be able to change things in my own head. I would make the change that would allow me to understand more of what is being said. I would be able to completely “get it” when Al starts in on his negativity. I would know the reasoning behind it, and with a quick thought, I would fix it.
Remember the old- time scary movie, Brains? This is how I am feeling now. Brains, brains, I want more brains! LOL