are you stuck in one?

I felt sick. I thought I was going to vomit. I felt panicky.

Ever since Al passed away a volunteer that used to bring Al baby food or sherbet has remained when Hospice left. This lady named Sue is amazing.

She knows everyone and everyone loves her. She has nudged, called and begged me to go places with her.

I have fought it each time I get the invitation. You have to understand that my life revolved around Al. There was no outside life. Everything I did was on the inside of these four walls. Sort of like living in a cardboard box full of sadness.

Even today a month after he has left this world, I head for my bedroom. It is the farthest away from Al’s room. I feel secure and hidden apart from the hustle and bustle of the outside world.

I didn’t even realize that I had been turning into a hermit, so to speak. The comfort zone in my room was all mine. I share it with no one. But, because I like Sue, I give in and accept her invitations. This is where the jitters come in and the sick stomach. I think it is called panic attacks.

I become chained to these four walls and it takes some heavy-duty prodding to get me out of here. Even going to the grocery store is not appealing to me. I get in and I get out and get back home.

Thankfully, I recognize that this is not normal for me. I used to be a get up and go gal, so I realize I need to change, but wow, is it ever hard. Have any of you ever been in these types of situations?

Panic attacks, are something else. I had them several years ago and somehow fought through them and don’t want them to take permanent residence within my body again. Heart beating fast, tingling of hands, sweating, a feeling of dying. Totally stressed to the max.

I started getting them about three months before Al passed. They are caused from exhaustion and stress. The body gets weak and tries to run on over-drive. Panic attacks for me can pop up when ever I am the most vulnerable, meaning tired and lack of a good night’s sleep.

I have dealt with these and then for a while after Al passed they left. Since last Saturday happened when I realized I was really never going to see Al again until I got to heaven I have had minor panic attacks again. I am fighting them with all my might. I don’t want them to run and ruin my life ever again.

So tonight, of course I accepted that invitation again. I was sick and nervous. I got inside the building and all I could think about is getting out of there as fast as my fat little legs would go.

But, I stayed. I forced myself to take a half of a little white pill the doctor prescribed to me for instances like this. I went to my doctor this week. He said he had no doubt I would become addicted because he and anyone else that knows me understands I HATE TO TAKE MEDICINE.

After about a half an hour I started to calm down. The tingling left, my heart slowed down. I started to talk and I know here and there I smiled. I even danced one time. And on top of that I was introduced to a great-looking guy and we chatted for a while.

Inside I am hoping we get to chat again. He has dark hair like Elvis Presley and he sounds like Elvis too. We have some things in common. If God wants anything to come together between this nice guy and me, he will make it happen.

So a little chatting, a few smiles, sharing girl talk and dancing, I was glad I went. Tomorrow I have been invited to a fish fry. I accepted that invitation also.