Take My Love With You When You Know It Is Time
It is almost one am and I need to get some sleep. But before I can I want to thank you for all of…
Take My Love With You When You Know It Is Time
It is almost one am and I need to get some sleep. But before I can I want to thank you for all of…
It is almost one am and I need to get some sleep. But before I can I want to thank you for all of your support and your great friendship. I couldn’t possibly have done any of this without either one.
It has not been a good day. It seems so many changes happen and I just about can’t keep up with them they come so quickly.
Last night I recognized a certain breathing Al was doing. With prior experience taking care of patients nearing the end, the memories swiftly returned as I watched and listened to him. It didn’t stop there.
This morning when I woke him for his shower, he looked at me like he had no idea who I was or where he was. Two ladies appeared at the front door and between them and Al I sat here at my computer in awe as I was forced to hear the rude comments coming from Al’s mouth.
He was angry and mouthy. He was definitely not himself. After the shower was complete, both ladies look exhausted. I knew in that moment the showers were over. It was bed baths from now on. When they brought the topic up for the next shower day, I wasted no time in agreeing with them. I do not want these nice gals getting hurt over Al’s weakness.
Al went off to Day Program as planned but when he arrived home there was no looking up at me as he usually does. No wave from his hand. There was only nothing. The bus driver kept giving me the look as she lowered him to the snowy ground.
I could tell that she wanted to tell me something but could not because Al was right there. I wished her a good weekend and took Al inside to a nice warm living room. I quickly took his outer wear off and looked at his communication book and saw that there had been issues during the day.
The comments were Al was very weak. Two staff had tried to help him with the bathroom duty but Al’s legs didn’t move. The two could not hold up the dead weight and Al slid down to the floor, so they would not drop him.
With extra help they got him back in his chair. He has a blood mark where he was injured and a report was made on this.
I had surprised Al when I went out to get groceries and stopped at his favorite restaurant and picked up supper. I nuked the food and started to feed Al but he wanted nothing to do with it.
It seemed that he was slipping a way from me. No emotions, no movements. I called Hospice and told about the incident from Day Program. She came over and checked him out.
His blood pressure was high. His heart beat was too high. He was not well. She and I looked at each other and we both knew we could not lift him to put him in bed. She called the fire department and within minutes five fire fighters arrived.
I know this is hard to believe but with one of the guys in charge of removing the wheelchair away once they had Al up, it took all four of the others to put him in bed. When there is dead weight involved, what they weigh in reality seems doubled.
The nurse noticed some changes in his feet. Cold and a little dark. She was so nice. She helped me get Al’s clothing off and get him changed and positioned. Not many nurses do that and I was very appreciative.
When we left his room and we were in the living room she began conversations of what to look for with Al when he is passing. She gave instructions on what to do and who to call once that time was here.
I knew in my heart that Al didn’t have much longer. She told me with the visits Al has had from heaven that I needed to tell Al to take their hand and go.
She then grabbed her things and gave me the biggest hug. I felt like all of you were a part of that hug, it was so big.
After she left I went in and sat with Al. We talked about heaven and I told him the next time he saw mom or dad or grandma to grab their hand and go. I told him he has been a real fighter in this illness. I explained that if things didn’t improve by Monday he would probably not be able to go to Day Program any longer.
I explained that he did a good job all through this and how proud I was of him. I waited and watched him as he tried hard to settle down to sleep. Rhino came in and meowed and I heard Al say ever so softly, ” I will miss you Rhino.” With that Al went to sleep.
I am not scared, and I am not ready, but I know things are going to change again. I am so thankful that I have had the chance to be with Al and that I have Rhino.
Al, I don’t know when your time is going to be, but I love you brother. Take my love with you when you decide it is time to go.
Today is calm. Clouds, a dusting of white snow on the ground. Cold temperatures of 20 degrees. I…
Today is calm. Clouds, a dusting of white snow on the ground. Cold temperatures of 20 degrees. I have had my shower and am sitting here in my warm night-gown and fuzzy slippers. I am waiting for the phone call that will start my day.
The shower girl will be announcing what time she will be here. This fifteen to twenty minutes is almost as important to me in the mornings as talking to God is. Quietness, the sound of Rhino wanting petted and the fans running on the computer.
When that phone rings it will signal me to go get Al up. I will change his brief and assist him in a sitting up position. Then transferring him to his wheelchair and placing him in a good position at his bedside table, I will start his breakfast.
Once he has eaten, I will brush his teeth and shave him. The shower girl will arrive and do her thing, then it is getting Al ready to be bundled up to get on the bus. Already the memories of silence I heard just moments ago will fade into a puff of smoke.
I will then receive a call from the Hospice nurse telling me when she will be arriving at Al’s Day Program. I will armor myself with boots and gloves, warm up my cold car and with grocery list in hand I will once again be placed into the hustle and bustle of people in the grocery stores, all doing the same thing.
It is getting uncomfortable to be around the crowds. I think it is because I spend ninety percent of my time inside our home. After leaving the grocery store I am meeting a lady to pick up an item I purchased.
Driving home, getting the mail, carrying the groceries in and putting them a way, I will look at the clock and take notice of how much free time I have left. I will let out a sigh and grab one last cup of coffee before the glimmer of silence is gone until bedtime. You have to love Mondays. Although weekends are the same to me as most of the week days, I hear no doctors or have any meetings or big routines on the weekends. I kind of like that.
This will be a busy week for anyone celebrating Thanksgiving with families. I want to wish all of you that will be traveling a safe trip, yummy food, good conversation and a happy Thanksgiving.
Can you believe that I am just now posting my first blog today? Yes, I pressed a few articles this…
Can you believe that I am just now posting my first blog today? Yes, I pressed a few articles this morning, but to chat with you I have not. I think it is a first for me. Well my friends gather near and get ready to do a visual in your mind. Here I am, Ms. Innocent, minding my own business.
Yesterday was not really a bad at all. Other than tears and the usual pains, Al was pretty good. I had a nice calm day. It got later and it was time to give Al his snacks and his medications.
My hall to my bathroom is dim. It has little miniature lights that put off a soft glow. They are little cows and horses. Yeah, they are so cute. Well anyways, I was barefoot, which is very rare with my bad diabetic feet.
I went in my bathroom and was sitting on the throne. I was just looking around and then I noticed something at the edge of the doorway. Right where I had just walked past in my bare feet.
It was a spider. Oh my gosh, a spider!I freaked. I hurried and finished my business. If it isn’t a tree-toad in my toilet water it is now a spider. I don’t know how these two buggers got in but they are not welcome. I looked around because I was too scared to walk out the door now with that huge thing standing in the way.
Yes, in my eyes he was huge. I may be taller and bigger but he was huge in my vision. I grabbed my hair spray can. I got as close as I dare get and sprayed him. That sucker jumped and ran for my bedroom door.
Oh no you don’t. I am going to bed. You are not welcome in my room under any circumstances.
I ran past him without thinking and grabbed my fly swatter. Racing back to him I knew that I had stunned him with my frozen stiff spray. I went to swat him and I missed. That stupid sucker jumped again and this time he went under my dresser.
Now I was on a mission. It was him die or me, and it was going to be him. I had nothing at all to defend myself so I just kept swatting at the darkness hoping to bop him a good one. I saw him, YES, I see you and now I am going to beat you down. I swatted a good one. Strike! You are out. I was chalking one up for me.
You have to realize by now it is almost one am and I have to be up with Al in the morning so he can get on the bus. My bedroom lights are not bright. I have a lot of low glows in my room. I like a soft-looking room, a comfy look.
I looked up after I crushed him and there was Rhino looking at me. What a lazy cat. He should have had his rear down here smacking that spider silly instead of me. For heaven’s sakes, I have to get up in the morning.
I got up and went into the bathroom to get a nice big wad of toilet paper to dispose of the hideous creature. When I got back you will not believe this. That spider was gone. Oh no, I can’t go to bed with a spider on the loose.
Now I was on the war path. I went and got my big tomahawk flashlight. Guaranteed to locate anything in hiding. I looked and I looked but nothing. Where was he, he had to be dazed and dizzy as much hair spray as I had given him. I had even sprayed him with Glade air freshener. So he was dazed but at least he smelled good.
Well nothing and by now it is almost two am. I had to be up in six hours. I had no choice but to go to bed. I asked God to keep that creature a way from me, but just to help myself too, I left the lights on all night and my big flashlight and my fly swatter in hands.
When I woke up this morning I was still holding my weapons and I was tired. It was time to get Al up. I woke up about five minutes before the alarm went off. I cursed the alarm. I wanted more sleep.
I got Al up and fiddled on the computer while the shower girl gave him his shower. Then I had some coffee and a doughnut stick. I got dressed and as soon as I waved goodbye to Al on the bus, I was off to the grocery store. On the weekends it is hard to get out because it is difficult to take Al out, so I try to get everything in hand before he hops off the bus on Friday nights.
I came home and put everything a way. Then I started the JOB. The job of cleaning every nook and cranny looking for the hopefully dead spider. I cleaned the corners, the cobwebs, anywhere a sweeper or hose could reach. I moved my little pieces of furniture.
Nothing, no spider, nada, zip, zero. He was gone or the cat ate him. I was just putting the last of the loose ends a way when it was time to get Al off the bus. A day shot to the winds. No blogging, no goofing off, no chatting. But the good thing is; my room is spotless. But, where is the spider? Will I see him tonight?
I About S__T On Myself
This morning since Al wasn’t here I decided to take a shower first thing. I took my time, taking…
This morning since Al wasn’t here I decided to take a shower first thing. I took my time, taking off my glasses, going potty, starting the water. Looked at the wrinkles forming in my face, yuck, and finally hopped in the steaming hot water.
I sang a little bit, just decided to enjoy this small moment in my day. Finished, I turned the water off. Grabbed my white and blue butterfly towel and dried off. Slapped some good-smelling lotion on and got dressed.
I walked over to the sink to get my glasses and I saw something out of the corner of my eye. I couldn’t see that well because I am blind as a bat without my glasses but what ever it was it moved in the stool.
I hurried and put my glasses on and looked down in the water. It was a tree frog.
I screamed and jumped back. I know it sounds cold but I instantly flushed the stool. I didn’t watch. When the stool filled back up I looked down thinking it would be gone but it wasn’t. It had climbed above the height of the water and was sitting there looking at me. He was probably cussing me out wondering why I was trying to snuff him out.
I leaned down just a little bit to get a closer look at him and then he jumped. I screamed again and slammed the toilet lid down. I hurried and went to the phone and text my son. Come quick, there is a frog in my stool.
I not only shut the toilet lid, I shut the bathroom door too in case he somehow could get out I didn’t want him loose in my house. As I was sitting here waiting for my son I suddenly got a vision of something bad.
Had I peed on the frog? What if he would have jumped up on my naked rear end. I felt shivers run down my spine and saw goose bumps climb on my arms. It still gives me shivers just thinking about it. I mentally told the little creature I was sorry if I tinkled on him.
When my son showed up he went in and picked that little thing up in his bare hands and carried him outside and let him go. I couldn’t believe he just picked it up in the stool. He said, “mom, it was clean water. I can’t believe you were trying to flush him in to an early grave.”
We had a good laugh but I can tell you anytime I have used the potty today I have looked first.
Another thing I wanted to do now that I got that true story out-of-the-way is thank a few people.
Al received three cards today. I haven’t opened them so I couldn’t take photos of the cards inside. I want to thank Sherry S., Jan T., and Julie G.
When Al gets home from the Hospice house I will give them to him. Thank-you everyone for continuing to send him cards. He lights up when he sees a card for him. He tells me people care about him even though he is sick.
Speaking of Hospice, the doctor just called and said they are working on trying to slow down the tremors with new medications. They are also trying to help the heavy sweating caused from the M.S.A.
The doctor suggested that Al not participate in activities like the car show because he is too weak anymore and he has to pay the price for the next 24-36 hours. I wondered to myself as he was talking if Al should continue his Day Program. It seems Al does better when he is in bed not being active. He said that if they can calm down either or both Al may have a few months left. He said that if Al continues to not eat well, and his tremors can not be regulated to at least a slow steady than he may not be here in a few weeks.
He explained how the tremors are affecting Al’s heart and with him having C.A.D. this illness is injuring an already tired heart. He said that Al slept for five hours, which is better than the one and a half hours here. He said that he ate two ham sandwiches which is a big improvement.
The last thing he told me was, ” don’t get your hopes up too high. Al is going to have good and bad days. It seems that today he is having a good day, but tomorrow could be bad. I just don’t want you to be disappointed. This M.S.A. is nothing to laugh about and it is very serious. Make sure you have a really good Christmas.”
With that he told me he would call tomorrow and to have a good day.
Have You Ever Told Yourself?
Have you ever told yourself, I don’t know what to do, but when the time is right, I will know it.
This is how I have been feeling for a while now. I would think differently and probably not even bother writing this so I do not bore you, but it has been some time and my gut keeps saying,.now Terry, now is the time.
I have seen it coming. I can feel his pain. Yet I stand and do nothing but hold on tight for his life.
Yes, I know he can have his shower in bed. Yes, I know things can get much worse. But what concerns me is Al’s livelihood. What will happen to the little bit of spirit once I put the stop sign out.
Al is getting very hard to transfer alone. I keep in mind that I am going to interview a gal tomorrow night to help put him in bed. But that is not the only time he transfers. What about the mornings? What about at his Day Program? What about the risk of putting Al in other people’s hands? What if he falls?
It is here. He is getting too weak to transfer. His legs scream out in pain each time he gives his all to transfer. It may be only three steps but the first one most of the time anymore doesn’t even get taken.
I know the way I send him to Day Program is through multiple medications to get through the day. He has a special wheelchair that lays back so he can nap and keep his swollen feet up.
I can barely do the holding of him any longer. The shower girl is struggling. I know I need to put a stop to the Day Program or cut his hours down, but I am struggling with the words.
I have spoken to Al about cutting down to half-days and he just starts crying. He loves socializing. He doesn’t ever want to stop. He can’t get from me what he needs from someone other than just a sister. He needs his own space and his own friends.
But yet my inner voice says it is time. How do I do it? How can I break his heart? I just don’t think I can pull it off. What will he have left? Home and his TV? At this point I don’t even know if his cars and coca cola could begin to satisfy his inner urge for normalcy.
He told me before his shower, through flowing tears, that he wishes Mom would just stick her arm a little further down to him so he could reach out and grab it. I hate being a pile of mush crap, but once again, I left the shower girl to tend to Al’s tears and I hid in my bedroom crying.
I want to scream at the top of my lungs. Lord, lord hear my cry. I am a coward Lord. Please don’t make me do this to him. I will do anything for you Lord if you just take him home before I have to say no to Day Program. Help me Lord, hear my cries. Take this off of my shoulders Lord. Can’t you see I love him? Don’t you realize it will tear me up inside more than him not going? I beg of you Lord, relieve him. Take him out of his pain. Let him sit near you. Let me know that he is walking again, and most of all Lord, show me a sign that he is smiling.