Can You Love Somebody Too Much?

I have a pain in the pit of my gut and my heart is hanging around my ankles. I have to tell Al some disturbing news. On the flip side I am trying so hard to realize that I have heard all good news. I am doing everything right.

Everyone on the government level is looking out for Al’s best interest. So I am having mixed emotions at this very moment. I don’t want to sit down and cry because it will do nothing but give me one of those headaches that hang around my neck like a sore thumb until I sleep it off.

The meeting went fine. In fact I would say the representative and I hit it off fine and it was a piece of cake. I had all the documents he wanted here.

The bad news that I have to tell Al, is it is still going to be a month to a month and a half before the services take effect.

This rep has to enter all of the data given from the two meetings today. He stated he was swamped with work and it will take him some time. Then he has to send it in to the State and they have to check to make sure all is in order.

This small list of things to do can take so long. It is out of my hands now. I have done as required. All is finished. Everyone signing on the dotted line is now up to someone else to do in a timely manner.

I can deal with it. My heart will heal. Al could come home on June 1, but there would be no services for him. He wouldn’t get to go to the Day Program. I would not receive any help with his care here, he would just sit and stare at the TV, just him and I.

I see that for him, at least in the facility he can still socialize with other residents and staff. He can still go to the Day Program through the disability program. He can still go play Bingo.

I just dread the pitiful face I am going to see when I tell him not yet Bud. I do know that have learned from this tragic mistake of mine. Don’t take anyone’s word and set it in stone. If only I wouldn’t have told Al what others have told me. He wouldn’t have to go through this disappointment.

Can you love somebody too much? To the point that you can feel their pain and live through their emotions? I guess so, because I am right now.


No Escaping

DA-loops in PD

DA-loops in PD (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I had taken two days off from seeing Al, and so today, I was going out there. I am having problems and I don’t know what my problem is. I have thought of all kinds of reasons it must be, but have not come up with the right answer yet. Maybe you see something I do not see.

I have taken care of my brother for about five years, and it was never easy, but the love I have for my brother, and the support from all of you have helped me to continue through the months.

Then it got to be more for me than I could handle, physically and emotionally. The falls, the lack of comprehension, the Parkinson’s Disease in itself, takes a toll on the whole body, mind and soul. As my friend Jo, over at Camsgranny says, it is ugly and rears its head when ever it can.

Now, he has been placed going on almost two weeks, and I feel like I am in mourning. I can’t get excited about Thanksgiving or Christmas. I forced myself after I saw Al today to go to the grocery store and buy the needed items for the Thanksgiving feast.

I mope without wanting to, I actually cry now, because he is not here. I feel like I have lost another member of my family, and actually, I have not. So why in the world do I get all stressed when I go to see him, since I miss him so much? I got in my car, and as it was warming up, I could feel my body starting to tense up, and my breathing getting shorter in breaths. I don’t get it.

I walked in to the facility and went straight to his room, but there was no one there, so I came back out into the hall and heard B1. Oh, now I know where he is! He is playing Bingo! I walked down there and instantly picked him out among the crowd. He was intensely trying to win, although he had already won three times!

I pulled his walker over to him and sat down on the seat and watched everyone play and I stayed quiet, not wanting to cause a commotion that may keep them from seeing a number and yelling out Bingo!

I did not wait very long, and Al looked at me with a smile, and said, What’s up, and I said just here to see and visit with you bud. He didn’t say anything else until Bingo was over and then he let me know all of his problems.

We sat there for a while talking as everyone else had disappeared from the social room. He told me he is seeing double, and that his vision is blurry. This is the second time he has complained about it. Part of me wondered if his vision was double, how could he play bingo, but if you know Al, he will suffer through anything to be around other people. I also wondered if it is his new bifocals strength in his glasses,was the culprit, but since this is the second time he has complained, I went to the office and stated my concerns. Now they are going to schedule another appointment with an eye doctor, to gain a second opinion. I will be glad when this is done, then I will know what is hiding behind those glasses.

He complained of ankle and leg pain, so I checked his ankles and they were filled with fluids. I could see my finger prints in his skin from where I had squeezed lightly. That stupid PD is going straight for his heart. I would just like to rid my brother of this disease. I want to be able to reverse everything this illness has taken a way from him.

He finally got up and started to walk, but I could see his knees buckling and his tremors were quite lively. He walked about twenty feet and said his feet were throbbing, so we sat for a bit, and then he got back up and walked to the therapy room. Evidently from what I have heard, he wanders in there periodically to see if they can help him remove some pain.

Today, the therapist sat him down and put this infrared heat on his knees. She said it penetrated way down deep inside. Each knee took fifteen minutes, so we all started talking about Thanksgiving, and I was telling Al when I would be there to pick him up that day, and then he started crying.

I am not speaking of big bad crying, I am talking soft gentle tears that could not be restrained. The therapist asked him what was wrong, and Al said he hated the holidays. He said that they were not the same as when Mom and Dad were here, and believe me, I knew what he was talking about, as I feel it every year about this time too.

He continued to cry and the therapist and I tried to change the topic, but Al’s mind gets stuck like a record on one song, and it is very hard to change the music. My heart was breaking, and the more he cried, my heart broke into several pieces.

At that moment, I hated life, I hated Parkinson’s Disease, I hated his heart being damaged,  his eyes being affected, and his ankles being swollen. To myself, I pleaded with Mom and Dad to come back just one more time. Do it for Al, do it for me, we miss you so bad.

Without knowing it the therapist brought me over a couple of kleenex and I said what, and she said wipe your face. I touched the kleenex to my cheeks and when I looked at it, it was soaked with tears.

Thank goodness it was noon, as it was time for Al to eat. I walked him down to the lunch room and made sure he was sitting properly on the seat, and then I told him I needed to go get groceries, and get home to let Polly out. He looked at me with his teary eyes, and asked him if I would come back tomorrow, and I said of course, you are my baby brother.