5 photos, 5 days, 5 stories


This is the 4th day of the photo challenge Vivi gave to me. One more day to go and then the fun is over for this.

dad 6YOU

 

I’ve thought a lot about you

Especially this time of year

When normally we’d party

And put on your birthday gear.

 

Your birthday came and went

No smiles could be seen

No mention of your name

Although you know you are with me.

 

I went to the store today

I bought some flowers of red

The same color as coca cola

Now I’ll lay them at your head.

 

I miss you brother dear

I’m jealous they all have you

I know you are the party

In heaven for all you do.

 

I love you still dear brother

Happy Anniversary for 1 year of being free of Multiple System Atrophy.

Love, Terry, (Sis)

Don’t forget your promise to save a spot for me.

 

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I Don’t Understand Me

I have not done so well today, or as good as I thought I would. Al has been gone 24 hours and I…

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I Don’t Understand Me


I have not done so well today, or as good as I thought I would. Al has been gone 24 hours and I struggled with the silence here. You must all think I am  just plain crazy and I don’t blame you.

I think I am too. I don’t understand what is wrong with me. I slept but I was restless. The cat, Rhino rhino 2has been so noisy missing his buddy. Lot of meows.

Here I sit at the computer and I feel the biggest empty spot. I should be jumping up and down? Running through the house? Out with friends having fun? Maybe shopping?

But no here I sit. Unable to place once foot in front of the other and make any moves. I feel anger inward at what a rotten friend I have been to myself. There must be another explanation for this.

I didn’t even touch the house today. I had two eggs and a piece of toast for breakfast. I had no lunch and I had a bowl of Cheerios for supper. I was trying to find my sugar substitute in the cupboard and knocked something out and it landed in the cat’s water. That dominoed into flipping the water into his food bowl. That food was ruined where I had just filled it up.

As I was carrying my bowl of cereal here to the computer, I don’t know what I did but I flipped my spoon out of the bowl and it splattered on the floor. I then took a shower and got out and dried off. I then realized I had forgotten to rinse the conditioner out and had to get back in.

My granddaughter’s birthday is today. I was watching a video of her party on Facebook and then just started crying. I had missed her birthday. I had sent no card and said nothing. I quickly apologized to my son for my forgetfulness and told Hanna Happy Birthday.

There is a part of me that can slightly remember the person I used to be. There once used to be this gal named Terry that loved to laugh. I could laugh until my eyes watered, my sides hurt, and sometimes pee my pants. I was always ready to go have fun, be with family and friends. I tried to never be home on weekend evenings.

Oh not that I was a party girl. I never have been. No drinking for me, no big gatherings at the bar. Usually with just family.

I know, I am really dogging myself tonight, but I am a little angry at who I am lately. Too sad, too deep, too full of sorrow. I really do want to laugh, but I cry. I want to get out, but I stay in. What in the world is my problem?

People say I am not that old yet. They tell me there is hope for love still.  They tell me there is still life to live. But tonight, because I miss my brother so bad, when I really need the break, I am a weepy mess.

Please don’t be upset with me and scream at me for not appreciating my break. I am already screaming at my own self and that is punishment enough for one evening.

hanna birthday

Where Ever You Are


HAPPY BIRTHDAY SISTER

I have thought of you today

And know  we won’t connect

You live your life so different

It’s as if we’ve never met.

Somehow we lost each other

In the bumpy roads we walk

We used to be so close

But now we never talk.

I love you as a sister

But fear for what you do

I pray you find the light

And return to your old you.

But just remember sister

I know what day it is

I have thought of you today

Happy birthday little sis.

colorful_birthday_cake

The 24 Hour Kid In Me


English: Off road gas golf cart.

I did something last night I have not done in so long. I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants. My son and his family came down a bit before dark. We lit a campfire and everyone but me made  smores. It was so much fun to watch the kids light their marshmallows and burn them. Watching them go up in flames made the four-year old giggle until he tasted the charred. Then he didn’t care for it much and gave the roasting stick to his Mom.

We chatted and laughed for a couple of hours. Most of the time my mind darted to Al and wondered how he was doing that evening. It wasn’t as if I hadn’t seen him lately. I had seen him actually that day at noon.

For some reason I feel guilty when I am laughing. I know that he is sad and depressed, so how dare me know this and put the sadness aside for a while. I couldn’t help but get involved with the innocence of kids and join in when they laughed.

After a while I did something else I had never done. I let my son talk me into a midnite ride with his family through our addition on a golf cart. Now I have to be honest, there really wasn’t room for me. I begged not to go, partially because I forgot how to have fun, and I knew that only one butt cheek of mine was going to fit comfortably. My son and his g/f scooted close together and then I gave in and took a seat.

Oh my gosh, the smell of wood burning and the fresh air must have turned me back into my childhood. As we rode through the fresh air, I could feel breeze hitting my cheeks. I felt free. Free from the world, free from problems. Free from myself. We rode all around and every time I turned around I heard my name,”Grandma”.

It was awesome. I was connecting with young people. I am not usually good at that, but for this night I was. Seeing their innocent faces, their unrehearsed laughter, listening to all they wanted to tell me, engulfed me with what I have craved for so long. A family, one of my kids and their kids. It was Over the River and Through The Woods to Grandmother’s House We go. But there was no snow, nor coats, hats and boots.

Today we celebrated my youngest son’s birthday. It is actually the 29th, but that is a work day so we had a cook out today. My son smoked chicken and steak with mushrooms on the smoker.

His g/f made home-made mashed potatoes and macaroni and cheese. There was also fresh green beans and fresh corn. I  provided a relish tray with dip, a Birthday cake, complete with ice-cream{Birthday Party Cupcake Flavor}, nuts, whip cream and Hershey’s chocolate. After all that we still chowed, well the little ones more than me. I have to watch my sugars. But they chowed down on home-made banana graham cracker pudding.

It wasn’t an hour after we cleaned up the kitchen the kids were back at eating again. How do they do that and where do they put it?

After their tummies were finally full we pulled the badminton set out from last summer and set it up. We all played and laughed hysterically as we each missed the hit. I have not laughed so long and so hard for many months. My cheek muscles were sore from smiling so much. My stomach hurt from laughing.

I just know that for me, it was the best 24 hours I have spent in I don’t know when. Don’t worry Bud I will be there tomorrow. A regular day once again, a regular routine for the week.

A Lot in one Post


I usually go to see Al at least every other day and sometimes every day depending on his needs. I had not been there Friday and Saturday. He knew that I was bringing him lunch Blue_candletoday and I also had told him repeatedly that if he got too lonely in those two days, to have the nurse call me and I will be there immediately.

I went into see him today and set down our lunches and he broke into tears. He was upset because evidently he had a bathroom accident and flooded the floor. The aide who was helping him made a comment that he heard. It went something like this. I need another job. This job sucks. I don’t like cleaning up messes like this. Al, why didn’t you go more often so this didn’t happen?

I explained to him that this was not his fault. He finally believed me. Then he told me that he thought he could do it but he had missed me so bad. He broke down in more tears. My heart split in half for his sadness.

I can only imagine what it is like to be in a  place where you feel unwanted and like you don’t fit in. He went on to say I wonder if anyone will remember my birthday.

I know it is his birthday this Friday. I have told him that I will be in with cake and ice-cream and two presents that I just know he will love. But once again, I am asking any of you if you want to send Al a birthday card please email me at tellmenolies2004@yahoo.com for his home address. Many of you have it already, but there are bloggers who don’t.

If you would like to wish Al a Happy Birthday by way of statement, please go to this link and you can write to him on here. I will print it off and take it to him.

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Alvins-Big-Birthday/352177718171597?sk=allactivity

Here is a photo I snapped of Al today.

alvin

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Update on Al’s fundraiser. We have now collected $200.00. We have had many different ranges of donations. The way I look at it is it will grow one dollar at a time. If you would like to help Al and his debt, here is the link to this. I believe that credit cards and  Pay Pal are accepted.

https://www.youcaring.com/donate.aspx?frid=55964

Image representing PayPal as depicted in Crunc...

 

One More Behind Me


looking afraid..

looking afraid..

Another birthday

Over once again

Not ready to think

About another one

Beginning again

I have to now say

That for one single day

I turned the ripe old

Of a young 59

I don’t know why

It scares me like it does

But I am afraid of

Getting older

And afraid to die

I look at my skin

And I can see its age

I look at my eyes

And can see the new sag

But on the other hand

I have to think right

I have lived half

Of my life

And it wasn’t too bad

I hope for the best

And refuse to

Think the worst

I will just enjoy

Each day

And live like

It’s the last

Terry Shepherd

04/22/1954