For Always

What you feel

So do I

A love for you

From my heart

To yours

I feel your pain

I hug your thoughts

Although we are two

Our hearts intertwine

My thoughts

Are with you

For always.

Terry Shepherd


English: Brother and sister sitting in flowers

Hang On Dear Brother

Today was a good day in as far as it was not snowing the huge amounts promised. I surprised Al when I arrived at the facility. He was upset and in frantic mode. I think I heard one cuss word but ignored it as I knew by opening my mouth I could end up hearing more of that nasty language.

He was looking for his slippers. I don’t know why exactly. He never did put them on. I walked into this chaos. The CNA was looking but she could not find it. Only one was showing. After she gave up I asked Al to please stand up from his recliner and I would move it and look behind it.

I don’t know if I am in partial denial or what but he could not stand. I literally had to stand him and then immediately his knees buckled. Eventually I had him sitting on his walker, moved the recliner and there the slipper was. He put it with the other one and that was that.

He had an unexpected visitor. I could tell when I looked into the visitor’s eyes that he was totally shocked to see me. Where else would I be? Down in the lounge watching television? It was a bad relative. I played my cool since Al was not doing much but letting his mouth hang open. I don’t think Al knew quite what to think.

The chat was calm I would say. Al didn’t talk much, but he has been in too much pain for visitors. I think he tolerates me because I bring him goodie treats. LOL There have been enough complaints about his pain that the doctor was notified. Al’s pain medications were upped. I want him to be in as little as pain as possible. On the other hand these pain medications are strong and bad side-effects. It seems these do help after a couple of days getting inside his body.

Al has sharpened up or maybe I should say caught on. He made a comment to me that these pills would only work for a while and then he would be back in pain. I silently agreed knowing full well that this nasty old Parkinson’s is just going to have its way with my brother.

I met today with the Social Director and the lady who came from about an hour a way. I was not familiar with Medicaid nor all the different avenues that this program has to offer. I listened intently to all that was said and the lady Anita, asked me which route I wanted to pursue.  I looked at the S.S.D and she spoke for me.

She told Anita that she didn’t want to close doors for Al. She wanted all of them open. The only thing I really understood is when an opening comes available at a group home it seems he can go. It can take a while or months. I could help speed it along by allowing him to be placed in a group home somewhere in Indiana and then when an opening was here in our city, he could be transferred. I didn’t know what to think about that. He could end up being the shortest distance an hour, or he could be up to five hours a way.

First I hate to drive. I always have. Going just an hour a way is enough for my knuckles to be red from gripping  the steering wheel. I talked to Al about it and he didn’t say much. The other option is some sort of Medicaid Waiver. This would allow Al to come back home.

He would get forty hours a week of help from different programs at Medicaid’s expense. He would have his bathing and anything he needed done for him. He would also be able to go to a day program here in town Monday through Friday and be home in the evenings and at night-time.

I don’t mind that myself. Al didn’t say too much except he could be with his coke things again. All he cared about was the word day program and friends. He has a lot of friends at this day program here in town. I could never let him go before because he was not Medicaid.

There is too much that I am confused about. I do agree with the S.S. D. though. Let’s keep as many doors open as possible. Let’s try all the routes and see what comes through. All I know is Al is becoming depressed. He is sad too often and it is so foolish for him to have to feel this way. It is because he is ignored. It is because he has no one his age. Residents don’t talk to him. Staff gets involved by the policies and medications and meals.

A human needs touched and talked to and to know they are cared about. We all need this. He is in pain and he is sad. I don’t want him drowning in depression so I am talking to Al about everything I hear. I want him out of there as quickly and safely as possible for him. I want to hear him laugh again and see the smiles.alvin at fireworks

Dear brother I love you so

You and I are no longer together

But you are constantly on my mind

And in my heart each day

I feel your pain as I

Look into your eyes

I see the sadness

Pouring out of your eyes

I am trying to help you

As quickly as I can

Please understand

That this takes time

Please hold on for me

Do not let yourself sink

I never knew it would be like this

Or I would have kept you here with me

I will do my best and with your agreement

I will get you to a happier place

I love you dear brother

I am here for you………………

Terry Shepherd


Birds And Al

Today was terribly windy outside. I sure hated to have to go out considering I still have a small cough left. Al had a care plan meeting that I needed to attend to. He was sad as it was too cold and he didn’t get to go on an outing with his driver today. His legs are hurting so bad that this is making him more miserable.

His voice was raspy so I used the flashlight to look at his throat. That little thing that hangs down in the back of his throat was lying on the side. His throat was a little red. He had no fever, but I reported it to the nurse.

Since he is having trouble with swallowing O.T. is going to get involved again to see if he is straining too hard to swallow. I sure hope that isn’t the reason, because the news would not be good news.

I am working on getting him out of this facility and into a better situation. Many people are involved in this project. Al agrees with me he would like to move. If I get everything worked out he will be in a home, group home type. He will have fewer clients around him. They will be more like him and closer in ages, so he would get more attention. His food intake would be more closely monitored and so would his spending money.

After I visited with him for an hour I left his room and went to the meeting room. No one was there so I had to use my time wisely. I got out my camera and went to the window and took these shots. I am hoping you enjoy these as much as I did taking them.

After the meeting was over I did some work on Al’s menus for the week. Without my two cents and guardianship  they can not say no to his foods. He has gained too much weight so Al and I together chose his menus. I hope he felt included so he doesn’t get as upset.

I stopped at the grocery store and picked up basics in case we do get that big amount of snow tomorrow. I just received a phone call from the lady who is going to be helping me move Al out of this facility. Darn, darn, I have to get out tomorrow after all. I am sure it will be cancelled if it gets too bad as she is farther north than I am. She will get more snow than we will here.

female cardinal at millerstwo birds at millersredbird at millersfemale red bird at millersone bird at millers


The Rose

Big Rose

To my brother whom I love so dear

I know you are there and I am here

My thoughts are with you every day

As we walk together and separate ways

I know that you are dealing with all of this

While I am still dealing with hit and miss

Tonight is New Year‘s Eve, and I am thinking of you

I hope you are happy and not too blue

My thoughts and prayers are all for you

As we gather close and pray for all new

I will be always be near you and by your side

As you go through this illness that will not hide

Don’t ever feel alone dear brother

Walking beside you is your loving mother

I ask our God to heal you in this new year

I ask that he also whisper in your ear

And tell you that he and I love  you so

I will leave the Rose,  so you will always know

Love you brother

Terry Shepherd