brunch | Who I am

Do you want a little humor for your Sunday morning review?

Do you want to read a comic that happened in reality, instead of a newspaper column?

Well, I have one for you, and it came out of the blue, not planned, or rehearsed.

I climbed out of my warm bed, because I heard the cries of Polly, letting me know she had to go potty. I slipped on my pink, fuzzy, warm house robe, and my fluffy slippers, and walked over in my new routine to open her crate door, bend down, letting the blood surge to my front of my head, reminding me that I do have sinus cavities, and picked the little two-pound fur ball up.

She doesn’t walk to the front door yet, nor does she walk up or down the four steps that lead to the yard. I walked out to the living room and grabbed my first cigarette for the morning, lit it and she and I headed for the door.

Believe me, I can do this routine in my sleep now, I am now accustomed to being woke up out of a dead sleep! I unlock the front door, open the door and the storm door, walk down the four steps, grab the end of the leash string, because now that she is nine weeks old, and starting to show her personality, I have found by pure accident and a chase around the yard, that she will wander off exploring the yard.

So, I have the leash attached to her and I put her down on the ground so she can go explore a perfect spot where she can do her elimination. I am smoking my smoke and looking up at the skies, noticing how blue it is and how I am a bit chilled, and I glance back down at her, and she has just tinkled.

Good dog, but I know you have one more process to handle before we can go back inside to the warmth of the house. She is sniffing and snooping and the beginning of the squat process is in play.

I see something out of the corner of my eye, and to my amazement it is a loose dog, not just any dog, a big dog, racing it hind legs as fast as they can travel to get to my Polly. With the size of that dog and the size of Polly, I think maybe that big old dog thought this was going to be a nice twig to chew on.

I threw my cigarette down and in my slippers, I raced, without thinking to grab Polly up to the safety of my arms, ready to defend her with my life, and the dog is getting closer and closer. Having her safely in my arms, I turn to run, yes run, first thing in the morning, back to the steps and I fall.

Oh yes, I fell, and my hands ended up in a nice pile of crap. Polly jumps out of my arms from shock from a mommy who was losing it, and she heads for the stairs all by herself, but she starts whimpering for help, as she can’t climb the first step.

The dog is here, and he and I have an eye to eye conversation, he looking for a snack, and my eyes telling him no way, Jose, you are not getting my baby. I take the only thing I have as far as a weapon, and that was my poop infested hand and I flipped it at the dog.

He backs up a little, as he could realize it was fresh and he wanted no part of that, but he didn’t remain back long enough, the taste of Polly was too tempting for him and so he came back again towards me. I snatched Polly back up in my arms, and two steps a way from me was the old rotten broom that I use for sweeping the porch.

With one hand holding Polly, and the other holding the broom, I got in to the pirate position and with my sword, I plunged at the dog, threatening his life with my weapon. He snarled, and I attacked, he snarled and I popped him with the bristles of my broom, my sword.

I could not aim very well with holding Polly, so I ended up swishing the bristles right across his buttocks. He jumped and whimpered, and with his tail between his legs, he took off like a bat out of hell.

I raced up the four steps and opened the door and we went in safely. I fell into my computer chair, with Polly in my arms, explaining how I had saved her life, and then setting her down, I stood back up and inspected my own self for damages. The only thing I saw was dirty hands, so I went and washed them good.

By this time, my coffee was ready to drink, so I grabbed a cup and put my cream in it and came over here and sat down, waiting for my heart to calm back down. Wow, I need another cigarette now, and this nice cup of hot coffee. I look around and there is innocent Polly, relaxing, chewing on her toys.