Chapter 13


Things at B’s house became more fragile, the longer Dad was sick. The more time that went by the more he wanted me to be his caregiver exclusively. I would be at work and I would receive calls night and day.

Thankfully, I worked for a wonderful family. I…

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Chapter 13


Things at B’s house became more fragile, the longer Dad was sick. The more time that went by the more he wanted me to be his caregiver exclusively. I would be at work and I would receive calls night and day.

Thankfully, I worked for a wonderful family. I had actually known the kids way back when I was a teen. I had run around with one of the daughters. Even if the call came through the  night, I would call my boss and let her know. She would say, “go ahead Terry, run over to him and then come back as soon as possible.” I was running three different lives as caregiver all at once, but I did it. Anytime Dad called, I was there.

By this time the half-sister and Al were completely out of the picture. Al has a routine he follows. It is part of his mentality. As long as he doesn’t have to part from this, he is alright. He went to work. He worked at a linen company and worked from 10am to sometimes 7 or 8pm. It was sort of crappy hours but he didn’t say much. He would come home and eat one of his frozen chicken patties and I don’t know what else. He watched TV and then went to bed at 11pm  each and every night.

I would call and check on him but still not allowed to actually go in the family house. It was one of those situations I was forced to look at as a fight or flight. I thought, as long as I know he is alright, I will let things rest, while I take care of my husband and wife team and Dad.

When I would go into B’s house either to play cards with Dad or be his caregiver, I was always met at the back door by her or the dog. As soon as I stepped into the kitchen she would start in on me.

“I am just so damn pissed that I am with a dying man. Do you know what we did when my own husband was dying? We all got a beer and gave him a beer and we would sing around his bed and get drunk.”

I just looked at her in awe. I couldn’t imagine this but of course I was not and still am not a drinker. I have seen the damage alcohol can do to people. Don’t get me wrong, I am not here to criticize, but in my opinion, I want to know the stupid mistakes I make in life.

I never said anything about her remark and let her proceed to belittle me all for the sake of Dad. She would show me the cupboard full of medications and express how Dad was taking up her kitchen space.

She would show me the partial bottles that I needed to call the doctor on or go have refilled. She would show me her refrigerator and tell me how many dollars she spent on Dad just trying to keep in here what he wanted to eat.

She said she was on a limited income and could not afford to give him whatever without the fear of going broke. From then on I would call Dad on my way over and ask what he was in the mood for to eat, then I would go get it.

As he became weaker he always wanted egg-drop soup from the Chinese Restaurant. That got to be about the only thing he would eat, but it was alright. He would have me feed it to him and we chatted and gave each other eyes for words.

B got bolder as time passed by. She would begin to tell me about their sex life. I hate to tell you this, but I wasn’t interested in Dad and her sex life. For heaven’s sakes, this is my father we are talking about.

After while I wasn’t even sure if she was telling the truth, as Dad couldn’t make it up her stair case anymore, and if she did get him there, she pushed him all the way up the stairs. I was just standing by, holding my breath, waiting for him to fall backwards and topple on her and they both would come crashing down, but it never happened.

Then she began to tell me what a disappointment I was to my Dad. I heard things I had never even questioned in my own heart that I had done to hurt him. I knew that I had disappointed him in some ways. We always want more for our kids than we had and maybe I didn’t produce all he wanted, but I loved him and accepted him for all his faults. He was my hero, I had always placed him high on a pedestal. I don’t feel this way any longer after caring for Al.

She would tell me bad things about Al and the sister. She would complain about my Mom. This used to make me royally pissed. She never even knew our Mom. Mom had died seven years prior. I wanted to tell her off so bad but alas, I couldn’t. I wanted her to be out of the picture. How I thought she was so nice and pretty in the beginning is beyond my own imagination, for I now looked at her as the wicked witch of the west.

One time when I was at work she called me around 1am and told me, “your Dad is wet. If you want him dry you better get your ass over here. I am not changing some sick man.”

I would get up out of bed and make sure my people I was in charge of were alright and then sneak off to the five-mile trip to her house to change him. I would not see her when I arrived. She would leave the back porch light on and the door unlocked. I used to think, why hasn’t someone broke in here and kidnapped the old hag?

After cleaning him up I would race back over to the house I resided in on the weekends. After work ended I would run by Dad’s house and make sure Al’s car was gone. Relieved, I would head home to try to live some sort of life.

Faith, Hope and Friendship


It is Thursday evening,7:30, and all is quiet. I feel like I am waiting for a package to arrive and maybe I am.

I have had some information for a week now but was waiting until I could tell you about it until I knew I wouldn’t break down half-way through the post.

I will say first off that anyone who prayed for Al and me and the situation about Hospice being involved did a great powerful job of praying. The prayer was answered. Hospice is going to be involved all the way.

The hours have been split between Hospice and the Day Care program. Al will have his bathing and dressing done between all of them. He will have 24 hour nurses at his door. He will be checked on regularly.

He even gets to remain active out in the community. I thought this program would end once he came home, but God wants him to be as happy as possible, so it remains.

I had the meeting with the State, the Day Program and the facility this morning. It went well until the administrator spoke his mind. He was considering not letting Al be dismissed because of the pressing debt we owe this place.

I was torn in pieces. My brother wants to come home so bad and yet he still owes over $3,000.00. To have to tell Al that he could not go home was enough for me to want to run and run and run. Just hide, never to have to see Al’s sad face and tears galore. I couldn’t deal with it.

Instead I spoke up and told him what I thought and what the Ombudsman thought and I told him that I would be following the directions of the Ombudsman, and that he would release Al tomorrow as planned or I would call the State back right here in the office in front of all.

He smiled that wicked smile, and then said I better make sure that bill is paid. I have 11 days left if anyone at all would like to make a small contribution. Any amount is helpful. The address is

http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/too-much-pain-and-too-little-money/55964

I won’t ask again as the time for this fundraiser is almost expired. I want to thank all of you who have already helped and I want to apologize for asking one more time for help.

At this time, the hospital bed, wheelchair and lift chair have all been delivered. I have his bed made and the door is remaining open to open the room up some.

Excuse me while I choke a little. I told myself I am not going to cry. It is just I get tired. Tired of fighting everyone to get what Al deserves. Tired of the family that is left that never comes to visit. Tired of fighting the system, tired of the nursing facility, tired of seeing bottles and bottles of medicines and tired of sad news.

The news that I learned last Friday was not good. Al has another diagnosis on top of his Parkinson’s Disease. It is called M.S.A. It mimics Parkinson’s very much, but there are changes that happen that can place it in detailed form.

So many things have fallen into place this week. Why Al sweats so bad, why his illness has progressed so quickly. Why he cries more often than not. M.S.A. attacks the spinal cord plus the central nervous system and messes with the electrical system. His heart doesn’t know how to beat properly. He can have heart beats up to 300 per minute. The sweating is involved. Depression is very high. M.S.A. stands for Multiple System Atrophy.

I didn’t realize that the doctor had faxed this new information to the facility this week. I couldn’t figure out why so many were coming up to me and patting me on the back offering, I am sorry’s.

Then someone told me they knew. They knew what I had been running and hiding from. They knew that Al’s life had changed. Now I know for sure why Hospice is involved. Now I understand why Al is coming home on this precise date.  M.S.A. has a much shorter life span, and the news that I had to listen to from the doctor was, Al will probably not be here in six months. I want him to have everything he needs to be comfortable. He will end up aspirating from this. Food will go down into his lungs and this will take his life. I want you to have nurses around the clock for you to utilize.

These words still haunt me a week later. Life is going to be the best I can make it. For Al and for me. I am going to make a new memory out of every single day he has left. God knew all along what was going to happen. His plan was perfect.

So from here on out, it will be all of you, Hospice, Day Program and me, and I will get through this, because God knows I can do it.

Each day I will carry hope, faith and friendship until the very end.

friendshipFAITH-GIANThope

A Special Day


Al

Today is a day full of clouds and drizzle. There will be no sun for a couple of days at least. After getting my doughnut tire put on my car yesterday I went to the tire shop this morning. For very little dollars they fixed the tire and put it back on the car.

I was set to go. Taking off I got about two miles down the road and put on my turn signal to turn and the blinker was going double time. I thought oh no now what. I turned into an Auto Zone and sure enough they found one of my turn signals had gone out. Is this my week or what?

I bought the new bulb and had to go next door to a gas station that works on cars and pay them a few more dollars to replace it. These newer cars are so packed under the hood, you have to take out a lot of things just to get to the blinker bulb. I remember the eighty models and prior, I could do myself.

Finally, all four tires were on and good, turn signal was working, I was ready to go about my drizzly day. I went to the business where I take my water classes. I went to tell the teacher that I probably won’t be able to return to class until this Friday. My eye is much better but still not completely healed.

They were glad to see me and asked me about Al. I left them to finish their class and as I was getting ready to leave the building I remembered I had a card in my purse. I received this card last week and it said it was good for this particular business.

I had changed insurance companies on January 1st, and then received this discount card. When I showed it to the lady at the desk, she said this is your lucky day. I thought well I need some luck because all I have been doing is spending dollars on the car.

Come to find out this card is a perk to go along with my new insurance. When she ran it through the system, good news. It entitled me to a free membership. Wow, no more paying monthly dues, I could do anything there for free. I wanted to do somersaults! I was so excited. Yes, I can handle this good news.

I thanked her and went on out the door. Last thing on the list. Go see Al. I walked in and his fingers were full of blood. I looked his face over but saw no new picked areas. I asked him about it and he said he had a nose bleed this morning. He told me his sugar levels were low at the morning check and they had to do it again.

I went and talked to the nurse and she said that he did have a nose bleed. They didn’t know from what. I suspected the dry air. Evidently Al did have a picking party somewhere in that morning. I asked the aid to please clean his nails.

She said his sugar was 87 and that was perfect. For me, that number is not perfect. All I want to do is sleep. I work better at the 120 number. I can’t figure out why his sugars are on the low side but will keep an eye on them along with the nurse. I don’t want him going into a coma through the night.

I asked Al if he wanted to go out to lunch since I didn’t get to take him yesterday. He first said no, it was too close to lunch time and his tray was probably already made. I told him I bet he could go. So off to the nurse again. Al and I ended up leaving and going to his favorite place to eat. Yesterday and today he was and is having good days. He is walking with his walker and no wheelchair. Yeah!

When he walked in, everyone said hi Al, how you doing? We have all missed you. Oh you should have seen Al’s face. The biggest smile just stretched from ear to ear. He talked to each of them. We sat down. Al couldn’t get his coat off so I helped. It took him quite a while to sit on the stool, and then we ordered. He ordered his favorite meal. A breaded cheeseburger, french fries, a medium diet cherry coke and sugar cream pie for dessert.

I ordered a tenderloin with no bun and some cottage cheese and a small diet coke.

He was so involved with talking to all the waitresses that I got a little lonely. So I looked to my side and an elderly man who looked just like my grandpa that has passed on was seated beside me. Even Al told this guy that he looked like our Grandpa. I will admit it was a little weird. Same height, same build, brown eyes bald on top, and age marks on his head almost identical to grandpa’s. Has he came back to visit? Gave me the shivers.

Anyways since Al was chatting, I picked up a conversation with the gentleman. We talked like we had known each other for years. I do seem to talk to elderly people with ease, so this made a plus. He was very interested in Al’s tremors he was seeing, so we talked about Al and what Parkinson’s does. This gentleman was probably in his 80’s. I had seen him in here eating before but had never had the chance to talk to him.

He was so nice. He asked what I did and I told him I am a caregiver and he asked how long I had been taking care of my husband, and I explained it was my brother. He said that I was a good sister.

We chatted for about a half an hour while Al ate and talked. He finished his pie and when Al was ready I helped him put his coat back on. I turned to pick up the check and the gentleman I had talked to said this is my treat. I said oh no you don’t need to do that. My brother is a big eater. He said I want to, so he paid for our meal. Can you believe that? I couldn’t. No one ever pays for my meal. It is usually me that pays for their meals.

I thanked him a couple of times and he patted my shoulder and said that I was such a nice young lady. AW that was so sweet. He called me young. We all said our fare wells to everyone and Al wanted to look around since they sell coke products. He was doing really well. I was so impressed and then he went down.

His legs just couldn’t take that much walking. I told him I was sorry. I told him that I should not have let him walk that much. He told me that his legs were just rotten and they didn’t want him to walk. We both laughed as I helped him stand back up. He wanted to go back to the nursing home, so I took him back.

He said thanks for taking him, and I said it was my pleasure. I told him I loved spending time with him and he smiled at me. He wanted to rest so I said good-bye and I came home. I made it home with no flats, no burnt out signals. I did good.

God is good. He gave Al and I a great day together. These are the days I will treasure for ever.

Daily Prompt; Apply Yourself/ The Daily Post


http://dailypost.wordpress.com

Daily Prompt: Apply Yourself

by Michelle w. on January 19, 2013

Describe your last attempt to learn something that did not come easily to you.

Accepting was my last attempt to learn but it still has not come. I guess I have always been a dreamer. I think I have always been filled with the hope of tomorrow.hope for tomorrow

Too much pain, too little time, and too tired. This is how I feel today. I am exhausted.

Some of us, especially me, believe that no matter what is thrown in our path, we can fix it. If we can not fix it we can work around it.

Actually my friends, today was or is not  the perfect day to be writing about this prompt. I actually laughed at it when I saw the title. I may feel entirely different tomorrow, but today I feel nothing more than a cat stretched out on the bed taking a nap.

The first sign I had, was I woke up in pain. Not physical, emotional. I had dream after dream last night about my family and my brother. It was emotional enough, that I didn’t jump up and make the coffee. Instead I went back to bed.

They say it is bad to go to sleep pondering on the problems in your life. I guess there is truth in this as I once again dreamed. Waking up the next time, I felt like I had been drug through the mud. This made my emotions even more intense.

The mud puddles that I keep stepping in instead of over are damaging my soul. I can not help myself. Believe me I have tried. I have plastered the smile on my face. I made the coffee. I have prayed over and over for me to see people in the right lighting.  I have played my favorite tunes, but I am still tired.

Tired of trying to believe that my family is  here. Tired of being alone. Tired of the silence. Tired of being ignored. It hurts so darn bad when you reach out to a loved one and all you get in return is silence.

It hurts so much when I see the changes going on in my life with my brother. My voice is scratchy from trying to explain to others what I stand for, what I believe and no one listens. You listen, don’t get me wrong, I know that I am blessed with the biggest support group here on WordPress. When I step a way from the computer and I have nothing else to say, I will once again see the hard truth of where I fit in.

I do not keep a journal but I am very aware of life that is around me. I am so sorry my friends. I am sorry for dumping on you. I am not being an inspiration to anyone today. I am not going to see Al today. I can’t take it, maybe I am a coward, I don’t know. I don’t want any added problems just for today.

Hopefully I will snap out of this and come flying back with some witty thing to say later. For now, I am going back to bed.

Yesterday The Mountain, Today The Valley


I am so angry with myself, because I can not get the change to take place from deep within me. I have had prayers. I have many friends, and yet it only takes one moment and my heart is again breaking. I am too much of a softie. My heart expands too big. I am not tough enough around the edges.

The only thing I can say is that today, I walked out of the facility with no tears. My heart was in my shoes, and I came home and played my Time Capsule I made last evening over and over.http://wp.me/p2g4Y2-46d

I had my water class this morning. I actually laughed and talked much more than I used to. The teacher asked me to bring in a poem that I have written. She wants to read it herself. I pondered on that, since she doesn’t really know me, but she says she wants the honor of reading an upcoming publisher’s work. I couldn’t help it. I laughed. I felt bad for laughing, but I know I will never become what she is suggesting.

I told her I was laughing because I was embarrassed by the nice complement, and thank goodness she believed me. I had a great time exercising and socializing. Next Thursday is when this poem will be read.

I showered and changed and went to see Al. I saw that he was sitting in the new dining room. He was upset. Not at me but at the changes. I think it is so difficult for Al to accept change like the rest of us. It takes him too long to digest, but some of it he did get.

The kitchen staff had scribbled out the breads on his menu and this upset him terribly. So now he had been moved to a different dining room, had his straws taken a way and no breads. That is a big amount of change at once. I convinced staff to let him have the garlic bread as that is his favorite bread, and they agreed.

Al was throwing a temper tantrum over the changes. His tremors were so bad that he knocked over his dining partner’s water-glass. He was crying hysterically, and then started to swear. I explained that if he was not willing to stop eating more than one snack at night, they were going to take something a way. He did understand this. He knew that he was eating more than he should have, but no one was stopping him either.

The nurse then came over and tried to explain about Al’s heart and his weight gain. I even piped in and told him to try to go back to when he was here at home and have just one snack again with his pop at night. The problem is, that by law, the staff can not tell him no on foods.

It is very possible that with the fit he threw he may get the breads back, I don’t know. He would not calm down and so the nurse pushed him back to his room. I stood in the shadows and let the nurse try to talk to him. She looked at me and I tried, but nothing worked. He went on and on about how every one wants him to drink water only.

They want him to starve. He asked the nurse to go a way and the only one he wanted to stay was me, but the nurse looked at me and said,” If he doesn’t settle down, we will be forced to call a Psyche Unit”.

Unfortunately Al heard every word and got even worse, saying no one liked him. Before I knew it I was telling her,” Please don’t do this. I have had Al at these places before and they refuse to treat him because they believe this is mostly due to side effects of Parkinson’s Disease“. She looked at me and said, “Oh I was just kidding”. I thought to myself,just kidding, just kidding! Do you realize that Al has heard every word you have just said! You now say you are kidding and now look at him. He will not settle down and probably will not eat.

She looked at me and said ,” He needs a time-out. I suggest you go on home”. Al and I looked at each other and I told him I would be back Friday, but maybe I will go in tomorrow. I will definitely call later today.

I have always looked at myself as the one solid thing Al can count on. I am getting a little tired of being told to go home. Maybe I can say nothing, maybe I can do nothing, but I can sit there with him, and he will know that he is not alone.

Bread

Who’s Following Me?


“Where am I”? Darla reached up and grabbed a hold of the man’s shirt. “What are you doing? Where are you taking me?” Darla was laying on a portable bed. She was getting ready to be rolled out the waiting EMS.

Darla lived in the home that she and her husband had made. She had made many friends. She partook in many activities. She played bingo, went on car rides, visited friends in nursing homes. She made crafts and sent out cards to grandchildren.

For the last few months visible changes had started to produce. Darla would forget to take her medications.Sometimes she even forgot to eat. Family started to notice a weight loss. The kids started to visit more at meal times, sometimes bringing treats.

Darla came from a big family. She had nine brothers and sisters. She and her husband had six children. Ed, her partner in life  worked in one of the many tomato fields. Darla was a teacher. Their children were brought up with strict rules. The love flowed like streams throughout the home. Their children were raised without many issues.

When Darla and Ed retired their children hosted a wonderful party for them. Darla bought a new violet-blue dress and Ed wore his familiar black suit. So many friends came that the house was weak at the seams. From speaking to Darla, I believe that this was the third biggest memory of her life. The first highlight was her marriage. Second came the children and now this.

These two did everything together after retirement. They worked on crossword puzzles, watched the same television programs. He helped while she prepared their meals. They went to church together and every Sunday they were invited to one of the kid’s house for dinner.

Life was great. Ed and Darla could want for nothing more. At each meal they gave thanks for their many blessings they had received over the years. Every Wednesday Ed paid visits to the local Senior Center while Darla went to the church for her euchre games.

While sitting at the card table she felt a strange feeling running down her arm. She became dizzy and light-headed. The color drained from her face. One of her friends took notice and let the director know. With the call to the EMS, Darla was rushed to the ER. She had suffered a stroke. It devastated the kids and her husband. Ed only left her side when it was time to retire for bed.

The routine of visits, therapy and well wishes turned into six months. Eventually she was able to walk again with the aid of a cane. She returned to their home, and with the help of her husband they enjoyed life for another year.

One chilly morning Darla rose from her bed. She went to the bathroom and then back to see if Ed was up yet. He was not, so she called out to him. The only return she received was silence. She walked to the other side of the bed where he laid so peacefully and saw his lips were a deep blue.

She went to the phone and called the paramedics and the sad news was that he had passed peacefully through the night. Darla mourned along with her children. Three months later she was still mourning and was losing touch with reality. Upon examination she was pronounced with depression and the loss of will to live.

Her body became weak in fighting illness. It was not long after that, Alzheimer’s paid her a visit. It appeared with no invitation and usually over stayed its welcome. As the doctor and the children gathered more evidence, a caregiver was hired.

The caregiver assisted with bathing, meals and medications. Darla had many good days, but the balance became equal with bad days mixing in. It was a routine Monday morning when the caregiver arrived. She was beginning the preparation for the breakfast meal.

Darla walked out to the kitchen and when she took notice of the caregiver she immediately walked over to her and started yelling. “Get out of here! Get out of my kitchen! I am going to call the police! You are breaking into my house”.

The caregiver was taken aback for a moment and then called the eldest child explaining the situation at hand. It was clear as ice that mom’s mind was being taken over by the disease.

The kids and the caregiver had a family meeting. They took a vote on getting mom in a nursing facility if this behavior happened again. Weeks went by and no more episodes or outbursts happened. As the sun lowers and the moon rises it happened again.

Darla didn’t know where she was. She didn’t know her name. It was the worst episode so far. A phone call was made. The children were present. The EMS was there. A room had been provided in a skilled facility and Darla was being taken there at this very moment.

A life full of memories. Big families, years full of love. A constant companion by her side. All buried in her mind. Only specks of reality surfaced now and then. With tears in her son’s eyes, he answered his mom. ” I love you mom. With the help of these two men we are going to take you to a new place. It’s going to be alright. I will be right by your side. Please don’t cry mom, you’re making me cry”.

“Where am I? Where are we going? Where are you taking  me”?……..

Behind the Sun

 

 

 

I Made Myself Stay Busy and Received a Gift


I made this Christmas tree today, and then since Al is gone, my son and his family went and got me this little baby girl. I named her Polly. She is Chihuahua/Pomeranian. She is eight weeks old. Now I have someone new to look after

I Am Going To Kill Myself


FOR YOU LOVE PEACE .......... MAMITA SUFFER PA...

FOR YOU LOVE PEACE .

Today, I got a few hours of respite with one of Al’s favorite caregivers being here. I wanted to visit my son whom I have not seen for months. Al had woke up not in a good mood and was full of pain.

He ate his breakfast and took all of his medications, plus his pain pills. He did not stay out here in the living room like he normally does, but went back to his room to be alone. He has a new thing he has been doing for about a week. He takes his glasses off a lot of the time. So there he sat in his recliner with his glasses off and his bible on his lap opened. Although it is big print, I know that he could not read it with no glasses on. I left him be and continued to get ready to leave.

The caregiver arrived, and I left. I had a nice visit with my son and his g/f, and my granddaughter, then I left and came home. I was gone about four hours. When I walked into the front door, the caregiver did not look her normal cheery self, and of course I asked what was wrong.

She filled me in on the morning by saying Al was mean and begging to die. Now if anyone in the world can make Al smile it is this caregiver, but it did not happen today. While she was here one of the newer therapists came today, and Al refused to do the exercises, saying he was in too much pain. I guess she tried but with no success.

Al told the therapist and the caregiver that he wanted to die. He wanted to find pills to end his life NOW! He explained to them that he wanted to be like a monitor that shows the flat line and have the same noise because this would mean he was dead.

He refused his noon meal and also told me when I got here that he was not going to eat supper, because he knew that if he did not eat, he would die. I was flabbergasted at this information they were feeding me, and for him to be this way in front of his favorite caregiver told me he just isn’t here with me.

Al talks about dying all the time, but I have never heard him making plans on how to do it. Al is only mildly mentally handicapped, and there are areas still in his brain that are very intelligent, but he can’t make good choices and doesn’t know why he acts the way he does.

I was very concerned at this point for Al’s life, and I was having selfish thoughts too. My thoughts were screaming to Al. I have taken care of you all these years, and I will be damned if you are going to die here in our home from something you have done to yourself. This is what I was thinking and screaming inside.

I went to the phone and called the favorite therapist and she of course could not fix it, but she suggested I take Al to the mental health hospital, because of being suicidal. I thought that was a good idea, so without telling Al where we were going, I just told him to get his shoes on and his jacket, that we were leaving.

He knew where we were when we got there and he told me that I wanted to commit him for life, which is not at all true, but I was not going to argue for the millionth time right there in the parking lot.

We got inside and I announced who I was and why we were there. In minutes some guy came out and got name and birth date and went and pulled records from the past. He came back and told me that he was going to take Al back and talk to him alone and then come get me, and I said no you are not! He says yes I am, and I said I will turn you in if you refuse me to be there also. I am his guardian and conservator. He is mildly challenged, and I want to be there to listen and help fill in the blanks. Finally, he saw that he was not going to win, and we all went back.

He tried talking to Al and as soon as Al said he wanted to die,  the gentleman went straight from Al to me for the complete story. After filling in all the blanks on the pages, the man had tears in his eyes as he felt the pain and anguish Al was going through. He told me he was going to go call the house doctor and see what he had to say about admitting Al for suicide watch.

In about three minutes he came back and said in all the years I have worked here, the doctor has never come in from a call, but he wants to talk to you in person, so he will be here in about 15 minutes.

Exact timing later, the doctor came in and looked at Al and listened to his talk of death and how bad he wanted to die, and he said to me, this brother of yours is in so much pain from the Parkinson’s Disease, he feels he has no reason to live, and this is why he wants to die.

We can not help him here, because this is not a crazy man type of thing. This is a man who is suffering from an illness and needs a higher level of medications. He suggested we go back to the family doctor and demand better medications, and for me to make sure to tell the family doctor that I have had experience with lifeless people.

He continued to say that this was inhumane treatment, and Al deserved to be pain-free while being in this fifth and final stage. If the doctor refused even with my court stamped papers stating my wants for Al, I could go to a pain management, and maybe get help there, or as a last resort place Al in a nursing home where he would get the proper medications, which would make Al quit talking about drying and plotting on how to make it happen.

So tomorrow I am going to call the family doctor and try to win this. Call me selfish, but if Al is going to die, I would rather have him die here at home surrounded by his coca cola, his vintage cars and me, not a cold nursing home bed.

The nursing home idea is not out of my head, but it is a last resort. The doctor said he thought I could take care of him if I had help, and I was given a company that would come here, which I liked. I would have help with Al and also get respite for me. The doctor said one final thing before he came over and gave me a hug. He said you love your brother, I can see this so clearly, and I wish there were more family members out there like you, but the thing now is to get Al out of palliative care and into comfort care. Let him live the rest of his days in a peace he has not felt for a long time. With this he left the room, and the gentleman that had been helping us from the beginning, gave me a hug and tears were still flowing from his eyes.