Tag Archives: caregivers

I Lost It

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It’s been a couple of day since I have written. The reason why is shame. Shame on how I fell apart. The knowledge of knowing someone saw me at my weakest. Seeing Al still show signs of leaving this earth and yet he is still here, lingering for what?, I don’t know.

Yesterday my girlfriend arrived. I had already been suffering from fighting off the panic attacks from returning from 20 years ago. Fighting to stay strong through seeing my brother fade from this earth.

The truth is my friends, that although I know that having Al in heaven is the most blessed reward, I can’t handle him leaving me. It is the most selfish and yet human feelings I have felt in some time.

I started feeling and becoming worried over the little things I was feeling inside. A warm feeling would go through me from head to toe. I would get dizzy and as this progressed so did my fear. Fear of dying, fear of leaving this earth before Al.

As I obsessed I was able to, without trying, to allow my blood pressure get to a dangerous point of a stroke. The harder I tried to calm myself, the higher it climbed. I was out of control and even with my girlfriend here at my side, I couldn’t fight what was happening. I was losing the battle and needed help.

Seeing my brother’s lips turn to a purple/blue didn’t help matters. My diabetic numbers bottomed out, forcing me to have to live the rest of the day with trying to recoup from this.

Hospice nurse arrived mid-evening and checked on Al. No one really knows why he is still lingering. I have to say that God is the only one, and maybe some day I will understand this whole ugly mess.

The nurse checked my blood pressure and then instructed me to call my Doctor. I did do that and he had me take an extra pill which helped but I couldn’t rid the anxiety I was feeling.

The truth is I am an excellent caregiver but an absolute failure at caring for myself. I have always thought I can conquer all. I can fix anything, and yet there I was a total mess, right in front of my friend, to boot.

I called the doctor first thing this morning and got an appointment for today at noon. My friend took me and as soon as I saw my wonderful friend, the doctor, I broke down into a pot of tears.

He blamed my sugar ups and downs and my stress all on being a caregiver for a brother. He wasn’t angry at me. He did let me no in no uncertain terms that stress can kill. He prescribed me a medication that will help with anxiety, and told me not to take the extra blood pressure pill.

I took it after getting it filled and it helped. Early this evening the feelings came back and I took another. It does help but doesn’t make me loony. It just takes the edge off. I am a different person tonight. I am still very tired, drained and worn out. I slept this afternoon and will most likely sleep tonight.

Al lays in his bed fighting to die and I lay in my bed fighting to live. I pray God realizes that I am a weak creature. My strength is becoming weaker. Al wants to desperately go to heaven, and I want this over for the both of us.

Al hasn’t spoken in a few days. Tonight he opened his mouth for food but couldn’t really help in keeping it in, so we sort of made a mess with him eating. He is still eating but mainly baby food. His swelling was down in his hands last night, but back today.

The infection we thought was being controlled is not working. It was back in full force. The facts are the illness of MSA, Multiple System Atrophy, is so full inside of Al, that it is seeping out of his body.

Although we turn him regularly, his skin is breaking down. Sores are appearing that we fight with medications. Most of the time he doesn’t realize I am in the room. On a good moment his eyes will follow me. Sometimes he will watch the TV, but most times he sleeps through it.

Faye, one of the caregivers brought him a wonderful set of The Three Stooges DVD’s. I have it playing a lot for him because I know if Al was truly here with me, he would be laughing right now and calling me in the room to say, ” Look at this Terry, look at this. Isn’t this funny?”

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Love Comedy and a Good Laugh? For Mature Audience Please

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Now we all know that Al is my brother. Being a caregiver on top can lead to some touchy situations. This is one of those situations.

I just came out of Al’s bedroom after spending about 20 minutes on one procedure. I told you all that a few days ago Al…

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Love Comedy and a Good Laugh? For Mature Audience Please

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Now we all know that Al is my brother. Being a caregiver on top can lead to some touchy situations. This is one of those situations.

I just came out of Al’s bedroom after spending about 20 minutes on one procedure. I told you all that a few days ago Al was given a Texas Catheter. Now since he has had it I check it often to make sure it is in place since it is not an internal one.

Well tonight, and even worse I am the only caregiver at this hour, that little sucker had come off. I was a lucky gal though. No mess as of yet. I proceeded to get my gloves on and go to work. The goal being get it back on without injury to Al.

I try once and no luck. I look at Al and he is just watching me. I try again, failed. I can feel beads of sweat starting to come on my forehead. I explain to Al I am doing this for the very first time after watching the nurse do it. Al is just looking at me. More beads appear.

I try again, curses. I take a deep breath, determined to not have to call Hospice in. I try stretching it over. I try stretching it in a different direction, nothing. I finally get it on and it rolls right back off.

Once again I look into Al’s eyes and he has not taken his eyes off of me. I asked him if I am hurting him in any way and he says nothing.

Now the challenge has begun. This sucker is going on one way or another. I will win this battle. I begin to let my mind wander back to the days when I was a young gal getting involved with sex. Was it really that hard to do?

Oh wait, I never had used one before, guess that is why I have three kids. I stand straight up giving my back a rest. I wipe the sweat from my brow. I smile at Al. I take a deep breath. Come on you heifer, get yourself back on there! Do what you are told. This is supposed to be easy. No luck.

I cover him with a towel and say a silent prayer that he doesn’t shoot everywhere while I come out to the internet and google Texas condom catheter videos. I had to sign in saying I was 18 years old, and then I proceeded to take mental notes while I observed the nurse putting one on a dummy model.

There was one difference with the dummy and Al. Al was human and he is ill. The video talked about a certain degree angle to do this easily. Now with Al we had a problem there. I won’t go into big details but let’s just say there was no soldier standing at attention in this room tonight.

I went back into Al’s room and said a prayer. Please dear God. We both know this has to go back on. I can’t do it myself. I really need your help like no other time. Do your thing Lord, teach me.

I looked at Al again and this time he was watching TV and not me. I put clean gloves on and grabbed the little bugger and said, let’s getter done!

I wrestled it like a cowboy ropes a calf. Within seconds it was on. It is not perfect. I will have to continually check on it. I will pray it remains in place, but I did it. The sucker is in tact.

Whew. sweat is in my face and in my hair. I hear Al take a deep breath. I don’t think that breath was because he is struggling to breathe. I think it is because he was relieved he still had his manhood in tact.

Lordy, I need a shower. Oh, so I don’t forget to do it later, thanks Lord for helping me get that job done!!!

The Caring Nurse

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Hello my friends. I didn’t mean to ignore your posts today, but I did not read so many and I missed that. You all have something wonderful to say or an awesome photo to show me. Each of you are a part of my family and I feel like I lost touch today.

It is after midnight here and I am tired; but I couldn’t go to sleep without chatting with you. Today has been a busy day with a few changes. We started this morning off with Al’s two shower girls stopping by.

Al got his bed bath and clean bedding. For breakfast he still had the yearning for chocolate ice-cream with chocolate syrup; so his request was given. There was some free time  and Al took a nap. He usually falls asleep for an hour after his bath.

Then the Hospice nurse stopped by. I had not met this certain nurse, but I liked her caring attitude. She checked over Al. She couldn’t get all of his vitals as they were too soft to hear.

She saw his open areas and ordered a prescription for them. She noticed his swollen eyes and the constant drool and ordered medications for those issues too. By the end of the afternoon, all new medications had been dropped off here at the house.

She and the caregiver and I had chatted for sometime. Talk about the difficulties we were having of moving Al and injuring his skin. We chatted about his  urinating. By the end of her visit new changes had been put in place.

By five p.m. everything she had ordered had been delivered. Now I call that one fine nurse. She was firm, she made decisions with asking me first. I admired and respected her and wished that she would return more often.

With phone calls made in front of me I was informed of when people would arrive. I was told to let her know and she would return. About two hours later a company for home medical supplies arrived. The nurse was called and met them here.

The medical supply team brought in a hoyer lift. This is a special lift that with attachments raises Al out of bed.With the assistance of me, the nurse and the caregiver we were able to lift Al up and place him in his recliner.

His poor body just curled up in a ball from lack of strength. The caregiver stood by him and held his head so it wouldn’t fall forward or to the side.

The medical supply guy took the old mattress out and replaced it with an air mattress. A motor attached to the end of the bed, once turned on, filled the mattress with air. We placed Al back in bed. When we got him comfortable I asked him if this new bed felt better and I heard him clearly say yes. This made me very happy.

After we were satisfied everything was working properly the nurse and medical supply guy left. A couple of hours later, the nurse and another nurse showed up. They had with them more supplies to help Al stay comfortable.

They went to work and taught me and the caregiver about the Texas Catheter. This in place with no pain for Al, brought relief for him in so many ways. No more pulling and pushing to turn Al over to change briefs. No more bulky pads and wrinkled throw-a-way pads lying under him.

My hands that have electric shocks from my diabetes  sent through them from tugging and pulling when I turn him over have been relieved. Al is able to lay in  peace without being bothered so much. Al was finally comfortable.

Everything in place the nurse and other nurse left. The humming of the air mattress and the beautiful feel of the new mattress lulled Al into a sleep I have not seen in him for a long time.

He slept for three hours. I have not known him to do this in so long that I was actually checking on him more often to make sure he was alright.

Al is still refusing to eat most foods. When he does eat, he eats ice-cream. He still complains of his body being frozen. By this he is telling me he can’t move his body parts, but yet there was a peace within the room.

I relaxed some and just listened to the hum of the machine and thanked God for a wonderful Angel nurse that appeared this morning. Her professional attitude and caring concern went miles with Al and me today.

The evening went well. No unexpected surprises. Rhino, the cat is guarding Al’s room and I am sitting here smiling for a busy yet brand new day.

air mattress

My Photos of Al

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I managed to take a few photos today. Although I am dead tired I have been busy with the day. Listening to Christmas music, which I will put the link below so you can hear it also. Wrapping some Christmas gifts with the help of the care giver who is here today.

 

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Daily Prompt; Flip Flop

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http://dailypost.wordpress.com, DP, Daily Prompt

Think of a topic or issue about which you’ve switched your opinion. Why the change?

Photographers, artists, poets: show us TRANSITION.

I used to be a woman who wanted to be noticed. I loved my antiques and sparkled when auctioneers would come up to talk to me about this or that. When people bid on things I was bidding on it made me feel worthy.

When I think back to that time I realize that I could have comments and looks galore but the real issue wasn’t being fixed. I surfaced through life. I wanted everyone that touched my life to like me.

Of course we can’t have lives like that. We are not made to get along with everyone else. auctions

When I see who I was I realize I was so insecure. It is embarrassing to me now a days for I am no longer like this.

Today I am more mellow. Maybe it is because I have grown up even more.

Maybe it is because I have realized that I am who I am. That trying to be like someone I wasn’t only brought failure to my life.

Today what is important is that I like myself. I am not overly confident, but I feel that I am doing what God gave me the talent to do. I am not a big antique business owner. I still love antiques and I would be happy to have a small business in my own home town.

I care for people who can’t care for themselves. I believe this is a gift from God. Today a person I saw mentioned that she could not work with so many mentally challenged people. I could understand this. I don’t think everyone can. I am not even sure if I can.

I can take care of elderly. I can care for my own brother who is mentally challenged, but to teach in a classroom, I am not sure if I would have that much patience. I think I enjoy the more one on one type of care.

I have realized that I do like being a homebody. I know without a doubt that God knows I am that type of person also or he would not have made it possible for me to get paid taking care of Al right here in our own home.

I am content. Content with smelling the flowers. To walk out to get the mail. To be in my house for a couple of days at a time without seeing a soul. I get lonely, sure, but when that happens I just write here at WP, or a friend will sense it and the phone rings at the exact moment.

I like cleaning the house. I enjoy making Al meals. I like getting him dressed, and helping him to eat. I like brushing his hair. I like taking lots of photographs of him. I like being sentimental and mushy. It is who I am. I am a caregiver who loves taking care of those who can’t take care of themselves and I am proud of myself for having this beautiful talent, a true gift from God.caregiver

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