I Will Always Love You
Al woke up teary eyed right a way this morning. I am sure it is the discussion we had last night. He doesn’t understand that no matter which way I move his bed around he still wants to lay in the direction of the wall.
The room is not accessible to move his TV in any area I wish. If it didn’t cost $75.00 I would have the pros come out and put extra wire in, but, I can’t. I had a talk with Al about when the time comes and he is spending more time in bed. I explained that he will have to adjust to how the bed is placed and try really hard to sleep facing the TV so he can watch it whether awake or not.
He is really noticeable with his heavy breathing. I was shaving him this morning and I could hear the breathing. I hate noticing these changes so easily. The nurse came later and said his fingers were dusky. There was that term again. I didn’t ask but I do want to know what it means.
It is amazing how the mind works. Although I am ready to accept Al leaving this earth, I am not counting down the days. I think Al is though. Just like the new baby I told you about last night. He already said he won’t be here for Christmas.
Do you know how much I want to get the Christmas Tree out this weekend and put it up glorified with all decorations? Why? Because I don’t want him to miss this year with me. What if he is right and he isn’t here. I guess it is super silly to put a tree up in October. Maybe I will wait til the end of the month.
Someone else in this house isn’t happy either. Rhino, our cat. He hasn’t left Al’s room much these past few days. When I go into change Al or do anything Rhino throws a fit. He howls a little and meows loud as if telling me to get out, don’t come in here, I am the caregiver now.
Last night when I put Al to bed, Rhino refused to move off the bed. Usually he meows at me and I tell him to move. He meow argues with me but finally gives in. Last night he wouldn’t budge. When I got Al in bed I had to actually scoot Rhino over and the two of them went to sleep head to head. The next time I saw Rhino it was morning.
Today Al didn’t go to Day Program so Rhino was in there and still is. When Al took his afternoon nap I once again had to try to move Rhino off the bed, but it was a no go. I decided to take a photo of Al and Rhino. I have been replaced by a new caregiver. I think Al and Rhino know much more than they are letting on. I think they know exactly what is happening.
We Have to Stop Meeting So Late Like This
After a terrible night last night and little sleep the illness didn’t give in and has had its way…
After a terrible night last night and little sleep the illness didn’t give in and has had its way with Al all day today and up until now. His tremors got so bad that I had no choice but to call Hospice. They sent a nurse to see Al.
Al was so anxious to see her. He kept repeating over and over to me, ” I’m not going to make it until she gets here. Is she here yet?”
” No bud, not yet.”
When she did arrive she spent some quality time with Al, but so did someone else. Rhino, our fatty cat kept hanging around. He would jump up on Al and lick his nose, then he was doing his thing to Al’s belly. You know, it looked like he was kneading bread dough. I don’t mean that in any bad way, but Rhino kept digging his clawless paws in Al’s stomach, then he would reach up and kiss Al’s nose.
When I shooed him down, he sat right at the side of the recliner and mewed. I tried to get him to leave the room but he hid under Al’s leg lift of his recliner. The nurse examined Al and then suggested that tomorrow they take him to Hospice house for five days.
Being able to observe Al’s extreme sweating and tremors, hopefully getting an idea of how to change medications in some way or form. Al was for it but he kept insisting he wasn’t going to be here next week. He kept going on and on telling the nurse he was dying.
The more he talked the more the nurse listened. The room became quiet except for Rhino. Rhino kept getting louder. He would jump up on Al’s bed and then back to Al’s lap. I guess if the regular Hospice nurse and Hospice doctor agree he will be leaving tomorrow.
Five days are so long to me. Who can care for Al better than me? Who can hold his hand and wipe his tears better than me? Then I stopped and thought, but what if they can adjust his medications so he can rest better?
This is when I decided to let him go if everyone involved feels it is the best for him. What is five days really compared to the pain he endures by the seconds. Before she left she gave him a very strong dose of pain medication and gave follow-up orders for me for the rest of the night.
After she left I sat with him for a while. He is barely a wake so I decided to bring my broken heart to you. It helps, yes it does. It makes me feel like I am actually talking to someone who cares. I need you, my friends, much more than you need me.
I look around the room and I see no one here. I don’t hear the phone ring. No one is asking me how Al and I are. What I do hear is the cat meowing in Al’s room and a little rattle from Al’s bed rails.
I hope that he and I get some sleep tonight. He has slept about fifteen minutes today and of course I had that hour and a half early this morning. I am tired too as Al is emotionally and physically drained.
As I walked the Hospice nurse to her car I heard those old familiar words again. This is the third time I have heard them and I can’t say that I like it. ” Al isn’t going to die tonight, but he doesn’t have months left either.”
I hear those stabbing words even as she is gone. Part of me is thanking God for taking Al out of his misery. The other part of me is silently weeping as I will lose the last of my family.
http://dailypost.wordpress.com, DP, Daily Prompt
Scribble down the first ten words that come to mind. Pick three of them. There’s your post title. Now write!
Photographers, artists, poets: show us HAPHAZARD.
I wish I could take a nap this afternoon, yes!
I have been busy since I got up this morning. I got up a half an hour before Al did. I slapped some water on my face to open my eyes. Brushed my teeth. You see it is my fault I am tired today. Usually I can place the blame on caring for Al or my age. Last night my son and his family and a couple of friends came here in the evening.
A fire was started in the pit. Watching the glow caused conversation to flow easily and with checking on Al and snacks, medicine and good times I never crawled into bed until almost 1 in the morning. This is definitely against my body clock. Even when I went to bed I could still hear the chatter and laughter outside my window as the gathering still was in gear.
I got dressed and started the coffee. Then turned on the TV for Al so he could find something to bitch about besides his illness. I got Al up and washed him. Put a clean brief and clothes on him and pushed him in his wheelchair to the kitchen.
Then Rhino, our fat cat heard voices and he had to be a part of our breakfast club. He mewed and I kept saying, “not now, later, no petting during cooking breakfast.” I think he was ignoring my request. He is so impatient when it comes to him.
Al wanted pancakes and sausage and one glazed doughnut. Along with orange juice and milk and his medications he and the cat ate their breakfast. Al wanted in his recliner after brushing his teeth.
He has been sitting and dozing for about two hours now. While he was taking it easy I dumped the cat box and put new litter in it. I swept the kitchen floor. I cleaned Al’s bathroom and made his bed.
I made those two recipes this morning. Remember the ones I posted last night? Sausage Casserole and Chocolate Chip Gooey Cake. Those took a while but they turned out looking pretty.
Now I am here taking a few moments to check-up on you and write this. Next I will be in changing Al’s brief and considering lunch ideas with him. After lunch he may try to squeeze a short nap in. This is where my wish comes in. I want to take a nap this afternoon too. Yes, it would be perfect timing, but alas, I will not be able to.
I will be getting Al’s clean clothes and brief out and getting clean clothes on myself because he has an eye doctor appointment this afternoon. We shall figure out how much more vision he has lost since last October. I know it is going to be a difference as he can not see handwriting anymore.
Al was pretty quiet last night; but the night went without incident. Al had his bedtime snack. I believe that this consisted of a Pop Tart, in Cherry, and his diet coke. He took his bedtime medications. I changed his brief and helped him in bed.
Once again Rhino mewed loudly, letting Al and I know that he had been laying in Al’s bed first and he wasn’t a bit happy being disturbed. Oh well, life moves on Rhino. Adjust, and be happy you are on the inside in air-conditioning and not outside at night.
Obviously, Rhino didn’t agree and didn’t get off the bed. He made Al and I work around him. Can you believe this? A cat who thinks he owns the joint?
Well both were in bed and Al covered up. I told him good night and that I loved him and he said his usual yeah. One time I would like to hear him say love you too, instead of yeah, but at least he speaks.
I went to bed immediately. I could hear his TV in the baby monitor. An hour later I still heard the TV. I finally drifted off to sleep. Lately I have been having these wicked dreams. They are each about the same topic. Someone is trying to take Al from me. Sometimes they are made of monsters. Other times I can see real people who I know, but they are not nice people.
I have a feeling that the reason for these dreams is the fact that I know Al will one day be leaving this earth.
This morning when I woke up I was tired. When I got Al up he didn’t want to get up. I have a sneaky feeling he stayed up pretty late watching Counting Cars on TV. http://www.history.com/shows/counting-cars
I asked him what time he went to sleep since he was useless in the Helping Department. He said about 1am.
I explained to him that I want him to be able to make his own decisions when he can, but we can only stay up late on Friday and Saturday nights. The other nights we should try to go to bed earlier.
It is sort of a no-win situation for him. He tires easily from M.S.A. so when he gets home from the Day Program he is exhausted. As soon as supper is over he pleads to go to bed. I have placed a limit on the evening nap time through the week nights especially. A lot of times even after a nap, he will continue to doze off and on in his lift-chair.
Al was not able to help move his feet, brush his teeth. His head was at all-time low. I told him I could really use his help and hoped he would consider my offer to sleep a little earlier and watch TV less in the late hours. He didn’t say anything.
I did notice that he was sweating very bad. I knew that inside his body his illness was taking advantage of him being tired. I noticed that he had some slight issues with breathing. Not gasping, but a heavy breathing.
I managed to get him to eat and I washed him up. Put clean briefs on him and clean shirt and shorts, shoes and socks. I filled his lunch bag. I got his show-n-tell item ready. Brushed his teeth and hair, and by now I was the one doing the heavy sweating.
We made it though. Outside and ready for the bus. Here are some pictures I took of Al’s daily trip of his bus ride.
Rhino resting on Al’s bed made Al happy watching him
Rice In His Hair?
It’s been a busy day. Getting Al up and fed. Next washed up and dressed. Teeth brushed, bed…