I’m So Dizzy From M.S.A.

I just got through with Al and his supper. He could not feed himself. So I fed him. He ate about 50%. I am wracking my brain trying to think of something different to talk to you about. I have been so busy taking care of Al, it seems my blogging has suffered.

I have a little bit of free time right now and I so want to chat with you all. Find out what you did today. What are your plans for the weekend? I feel so full of guilt that I am having a hard time tearing my thinking a way from Al laying in that bed.

All of you are so right. I can’t guess tomorrow, not even this minute. I can’t sit and stare at him. I can’t get overly concerned even though I can hear and see him struggling to breathe while doing such an easy thing as eating.

I want to splash the ice, cold water in my face, wake up from this terrible dream. I will give you an example of just what I had to listen to since he has been home for about three hours.

When he woke up I went in to see if he was going to eat. He told me to get the cat down. I said the cat is laying right beside you. He is alright. Al says, ” He is hanging upside down. He is going to get hurt, get him down.”

Part of me wanted to start crying but the other part mimicked getting the cat down from the ceiling. Last night he was confused also. I can’t remember what it was about now.

Then I had to sit and listen to him struggle to breathe during eating. I can’t figure out why he is struggling just chewing food.

So, there are changes happening and yet I need to remain the same, I can’t do it. My mind is frozen like water is still beneath a frozen pond.frozen pond

I am strong

Yet I am weak

I stand here for you

Yet I think of me

Crazy, swirling thoughts

Running throughout my mind

Quit spinning me now

I am ready to get off.

Written by,

Terry Shepherd



A Speeding Bus

On this post I am not going to beat myself up as my friends say to me. I do want to try and fix my problem. So what better place to go to get the help I need. I start my mornings rushing. The first thing I try to do is give thanks to God that I have one more day to cherish. I look outside to see the weather so I know how to dress.

I make the coffee. Before I get Al up I feel that I must clean the cat box. Sweep up the kitty litter so I don’t get it on my feet. Sometimes if I think about it I will wear socks upon getting out of bed. But then again, I will transfer it from my socks to the carpet. I try to make my bed. Feed the cat. Wash up and brush my teeth, get dressed.

By now I am getting tired because I still have to get Al up. So I race into his bedroom. I get him up. Take him to the bathroom. Scrub-a-dub him and dress him for the day. Shave him and then take him to the kitchen table.

I try to smile and ask politely what he wishes for breakfast, then I start that process. After his second or third bite I give him his medications. I try to force myself to sit down with him and smoke a cigarette and drink one cup of coffee. The problem is while I am sitting my mind is racing about what can I really be doing instead of sitting.

Before I put Al on the bus I have beds made and kitchen floor swept, dishes down, laundry is getting ready to be placed in dryer. On Thursdays like today, I have already changed both beds and it is washing.

Once he leaves I come in and take my own medications and eat my breakfast. Then I sit down to the computer or meet with Hospice. Maybe get groceries. I have to get groceries on Thursdays or Fridays. It is too hard to take Al to the grocery store so I feel like I have to get that done. Medication boxes need to be refilled.

Trash is constantly being gathered. I try to get out in my yard to do some yard work, but that doesn’t happen often. I think about the days I could go see my friend two  hours a way but something always comes up.

Just sitting here reading what I have read makes me tired. A few hours after I have been up I want to take a nap. Sometimes I do, but not much. I will try to take a nap in the afternoon so I can be ready to tackle the evening when Al comes home.

What did I enjoy through the day? Not much really. It sucks, it stinks and I don’t know how I got this way. But, in real truth, I don’t know how to stop. I guess I want everything perfect. I want everything to run perfect. I want to  prepare myself as much as I can for what ever may happen in the evening.

I even lay Al’s clothes out for the next day early today. That is crazy crap. No time for shopping usually. I have wasted it being to prepared. Prepared for what? A fire, tornado, break in, what?

How do I stop this? I really do believe in the words, slow down and smell the roses.

But I don’t know how to make it happen.speeding bus

I Am Needed

I should feel so honored that the first thing in the mornings I am needed. I barely get my butterflieseyes open when my cat, Rhino is right there with meowing. He is wanting to be petted. I have never in my life seen a cat that is so demanding in the petting department.

As I roll out of bed, my bathroom needs me. I feel the toilet calling out to me.  Then as I turn to leave I hear the sink saying, don’t you want to stand close to me and feel the showers of drops surround your fingers?

As I exit the bathroom I hear my coffee pot screaming at me. Fill me up, fill me up. Put some water in my tank and let me show you what I can do for you. You and I will be the best of friends today.

I am always needed at the cat bowls. Filling the one with fresh water and placing new cat food. What would Rhino say if he came out to eat and the bowls were stale and empty? I am truly needed in my own kitchen.

I look to my computer and I imagine how it has missed me through the midnight hours. I gently rub my fingers over my keyboard and it begs me to sit and visit for a while. I quickly glance at the time and realize I could possibly sit here for ten minutes. I can’t resist, I have to sit and talk to you about my early mornings.

Quietness is what I desire. Even the cat’s meow and the coffee perking place a smile on my face as I know I am doing things just for me. Soon it will be time to get off of here and go to the bedroom of my brother.

Hoping and praying to see that smile on his face, I know he needs me. He needs me to help hold him while he transfers to his wheelchair with very stiff legs. He needs me to let him know that I understand his mornings are rough and that I have compassion for him. He needs to know that I am going to be the one to change that brief, wash him up and put clean clothes on him.

He needs to know that I will be the one who will fix the breakfast of his desires. Whether it be chocolate chip pancakes, or french toast, oatmeal with chocolate chips and banana, or maybe sausage and eggs, he needs me.

He needs my help to place the toothpaste on his toothbrush. To turn it on and with hand over hand he needs me to help him brush his teeth. He needs me to hold his head up while he drinks from the tiny cup of water to rinse the toothpaste a way.

He needs me to take a truck or a car and place it in his backpack so he can go to Day Program. There he will be able to put the spotlight on him. He will feel important and worthy.

He needs me to make his lunch and pack it. He needs me to push him down the ramp and wait with him while we wait for the bus to come pick him up. After he is seated and I am waving my usual wave and expressing my love for him, I turn around to quietness and I smile as I walk back up the ramp once again, knowing that inside my four walls, Rhino needs me, supper plans are calling out to me. A new cup of coffee and my computer are singing out to me.

Cleaning needs me but I tell all to please hold. I want to enjoy this last part of my quiet morning before the world comes to life.

Rice In His Hair?

Rice and veg served with mixed pickles

It’s been a busy day. Getting Al up and fed. Next washed up and dressed. Teeth brushed, bed changed. Then it was time to take him down the ramp to catch the bus. Now this is when I have decided to take my own medications and eat breakfast. Through the week this works out pretty good. Nine a.m. is not a bad time for me. On the weekends I am a little off considering we both sneak in some extra sleep.

I then do the morning dishes, and laundry if need be. I clean what needs to be clean. Then I get online for my free time. Today at 1:30 I had another appointment with the business that I am working for taking care of Al.

I knew this appointment would go on forever and I was right. She and I do so much chatting it takes forever to get through all the paper work. She left at 4:45, just 15 minutes before Al pulled up in his bus.

She and I apologized to each other for being such talk-aholics  when she left, but we were both laughing realizing that we had a great time.

I didn’t get my nap today so I am a little extra tired tonight. I don’t think I need a nap only because of Al, I think I am just getting older.

Al pulled up and I went and got him off the bus and took him back up the ramp. We ate left-overs tonight as I really didn’t have time to cook a real meal. Tomorrow for supper we are having spaghetti. I will cut his up pretty well and hope for the best.

This is a test meal, I shall observe how well he handles this type of food. Will he be able to eat it with his silver ware or use his fingers or will it be too slippery. Time will tell. We are really picky here about the foods that we eat. Al has to  have everything just right or he will choke.

The cat, Rhino has been acting so weird tonight. He keeps going into Al’s bedroom and meowing at him and Al said last night Rhino jumped up on his bed and sat next to him. Tonight Rhino goes in and looks at Al. Then he rubs up against the wall meowing. Then finally he lays up against the wall and stares at Al. I don’t know what he is all about tonight.

I am now officially on the payroll for caring for Al. I just still find it such a down right miracle from God, I am almost speechless. Only God could have put this plan together. They hold back a week which I think is normal and so my first check will be in a week and a half. It will be for today through Saturday night at midnight. I think I get paid ever week. My very own check, wow.

Well, it is time to change Al’s brief and get him into bed. Now I can say this has been a busy, nice day. Al did pretty well tonight. I have to add one more thing. The flies are bad here out in the country. We had rice along with our supper tonight. Flies would land on Al’s neck or face, and I was trying to keep them off of him with my hand. But when I wasn’t quick enough Al would try catching them with his fingers, and of course he ate his rice with his fingers.

If I could have gotten by with it and not embarrassed Al I would have snapped a photo. Not only was rice all over the floor. It was on his fingers, on his glasses, in his hair, and on his neck.

I knew I was going to have to clean this all up and the floor but I had to laugh. He looked so cute trying to swat those flies and the rice just added an extra little touch. So this day is over and I made a few dollars. Al did good and all is well at our little house.

Aren’t Monday’s Just The Coolest Ever?


Rain, rain get the crap out of here. You are driving me crazy. Last night I accidentally knocked over the glass sugar shaker and shattered it into a million slivers and of course the sugar just had to go down into the stove and around the burners. This was a real nice mess to clean up.

This morning, I woke up way before I had to. I wanted to sleep but could not. Now in the late afternoon I am ready for a nap and I can not. I have to start supper.

After I decided to get up, the first thing I did was to step on some sharp kitty litter. Oh, that made me do a little jump. Darn cat, can’t you keep it together? LOL

I had to go to the grocery store plus I thought I was going to have to go pick up medications for Al. I also had an appointment with the Hospice nurse. I decided to get the groceries checked off my list. Two things I wanted could not be found. Then I spent $20.00 over what I wanted to spend.

On my way home from the grocery store it started pouring, so I got to carry the bags in with no umbrella. I also had a phone call from some people working on Al’s side. They wanted a list of Al’s medications. Sorry, I don’t carry them with me.

Once home I dried off then  put the groceries a way. While I am doing this, Rhino, the cat, is going crazy because I left him here all alone so he was under my feet meowing constantly for attention. When I was finished with that I realized I had forgotten the new sugar shaker jar.

Then the phone rang. It was the pharmacy letting me know I could not get Al’s medications until next week. I checked while on the phone the date she said on the calendar and realized I had called it in too early, sorry Pharmacist.

Then a package that I had expected last week did not arrive. So today with looking like a slob in real clothing the doorbell rings and a stranger is standing there with a box. She ask if I am me and I said yes. She had been on vacation so my box had been sitting at her door. Well this is good, at least I got my box. Thanks Jo.

The cat isn’t happy with five minutes of petting, he wants more, so he is still meowing.

I had bought some sweet treats fresh from the bakery for a meeting that will be held here tomorrow. I receive a phone call stating the meeting has been changed to Wednesday. I wonder if I will still have those treats here once Al gets a whiff of them. He has turned in to a real sugar lover. I may have to hide them.

It is still raining. The fair is going on but it is raining. Does that during the fair each year. Oh well, I am too afraid to ride the rides anymore. Plus I don’t really want to walk through the animal barns and sniff pig, horse and cow crap.

Well, I have to get supper going now, so my free time is over for this day.

Aren’t Mondays just the coolest ever!!!! Not!