My Heart Is Broken

I haven’t blogged all day. I had some time to but just couldn’t. It is still hard but I need to. It…

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My Heart Is Broken

I haven’t blogged all day. I had some time to but just couldn’t. It is still hard but I need to. It heals me and gives me a soft place to fall.

Today I spent time with Al at the hospital. Then I went to the grocery store to buy the items needed for Christmas Dinner. Once home and putting the groceries a way I clicked on WP and then turned a way from it.

Now it is almost 8pm and the tears have begun to fall. It is strange how silence and a sense of loneliness come out of the woodwork once darkness falls upon us.

A Specialist, and Doctors along with Hospice had a conference and came to the agreement that there was nothing left to try for Al. They took him off of his remaining medications. The only thing he will remain on is his pain medications.

Al’s body is still continuing to contract. Now when you try to do a brief change or turn him in a new position he reeks in pain. He stutters from the pain medication. I can barely make out any words he is saying.

He realizes I am his sister, he recognizes the time but yet he is floating a little. He fiddled with his sheets, wadding it into a ball.  He picked at them, he was hot than sweaty. He was cranky and irritable.

He is being dismissed tomorrow morning to come home to remain here for what ever time he has remaining. The caregiver will be here and I am so thankful for this.

My heart is broken as I realize that Al will find no peace here on earth while he waits to be taken by God. My heart is broken because all has been tried and all doors are shut now.

I pray for a quick release for him. I pray his pain will be swiftly gone. It just doesn’t seem fair, not fair at all. Being mentally challenged didn’t give him opportunities for girlfriends, marriage, a family of his own. Being ridiculed by his Father sure didn’t make his life any better. Having a heart attack at barely over fifty wasn’t right. But now this, a terrible disease called Multiple System Atrophy, (MSA) is going to drag him to the end. It is going to force Al to endure the wicked pain until his last breath.

I am so glad and feel very honored that I have had these past six years to show Al what fun life could really be. I wish there was something I could do but there is not. I will do my best to bring him comfort. I will read the Bible to him, sing to him and hold his hand. I will continue to tell him how much he is loved. I will not stop until I know he is free of pain.

I Am Beginning

I went to see Al today, but sadly spent so much time in the office, arguing over his monthly bill,  so I didn’t see that much of him before he retired for his nap. I am going to go and pick him up tomorrow and take him to lunch. He also wants to go to K-Mart, because he saw a commercial stating half-price on hot wheel cars. I have a coupon for bogos, one at Arby’s and the other at Dairy Queen for blizzards, so am hoping for a nice afternoon.

I started buying  my collection of  items needed for Christmas dinner, and got some other things I needed for the make it part of our Christmas. It was a peaceful day. I find these days very nice. I am slowly starting to heal inside. I can see Al and leave now with out crying.

I am beginning to enjoy some time away from the house now. I plan on running errands after seeing Al, and then hibernate inside the house on the days I don’t see him. Time heals, everyone says, and I guess I am living proof of it.

Al is still very quiet. I notice more confusion though. It is sporadic. It never stabilizes so that I can see a routine. I had bought him a Christmas T-shirt. In fact, I bought him two. I marked his name on them, and hung them up in his closet two days ago. I was wearing a duplicate of one I bought him, and he stated, ” I really like that shirt sis.” I said ” Well why don’t you wear yours? I hung it up in your closet.” He replied, ” I haven’t seen it.”

I went to his closet and went through it twice, no shirt. I went to the laundry area and asked the aid if she had it down there. I pointed to my own I was wearing, and said, ” It looks just like this.” She said, ” What does it look like”? I probably had my duh look on then and then she laughed and went to look for it, but came back empty-handed.

I don’t know what to do . Brand new shirt M.I.A. It upsets me because not only did it cost, but he loved the shirt.

When I got home, I could hear this loud chatter like someone was very upset. I got my bags inside and took my camera back out. This is where the chatter was coming from.