California Here We Come


“Pa, put yer clothes on. We’s got company.”

“Who the tarnation is here this time a night? It’s darn near after 8 o’clock?” Pa was putting his pants on just as fast as he could.  He got both feet in one leg. When he stood up he started to walk and fell flat on his face.

Ma asked,” What ya doing in there? It ain’t time to be trying to lure me into the bedroom. I said we have company. Now get your rear end out here.”

Ma tried brushing her hair with her hands while the company sat and watched. Ma gave them  her biggest smile showing two teeth missing and one grey one. She chewed on her fingernails and then it popped up in her head to be neighborly and offer some nice refreshments.

She excused herself by saying,” I’ll be right back. Just gonna step into the kitchen and make some fresh coffee.”

The visitors looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders. Visitor one said,” I think we got ourselves a nut case here. Did you see those missing teeth?”

Visitor two replied “I sure did and did you get a look at that hair? I think we must be in the wrong house. I don’t think we are going to find anything of value here. ”

“I hate to admit  it, but I think you are right. I say let’s sneak out of here while the old woman is out of the room.”

The two started to rise to leave when Ma came back in with something resembling some type of cookie. Was it cookies or maybe stale biscuits?

” Here you two, have some cookies. I baked them last week but they are still just as fresh as if I made em today”. She stuck her finger in the middle of one trying to prove her point. The cookie broke into pieces and some popped into the air. “Ah don’t worry about the mess. Old Duke well he just loves old table scraps. He’ll come inside in the morning and clean this all up.”

The visitors raised their hands to gesture their refusal. ” Uh no, thank-you mam. It hasn’t been that long since we ate supper. I just couldn’t eat another bite.” Visitor two showed he agreed by patting his belly to show he was full also.

Ma sat down putting the cookie plate on the TV tray. She took a cookie and took a bite of it and then remembered the coffee was probably done cooking now. She jumped up dropping her cookie to the floor. ” Please excuse my manners. I almost forgot the coffee. Either of you want sugar or some milk? The milk’s real fresh. Came from our old cow Bessie just this morning.”

Visitor one said, ” Well, I guess I could handle a cup of fresh brew. Just make mine black.”

“Me too, same thing, black” Visitor two said.

While Ma was in the kitchen pouring the coffee Pa finally made his appearance.” What? What the hell are you two doing here? I seen your pictures in the newspaper just yesterday. You two are bank robbers. Ma, call the police. We got ourselves a couple of criminals in here. Dial 0 on that phone right now”.

Ma came walking in with her company’s best tray. As she sat it down on the table the visitors noticed it was the darkest, muddiest brew they had ever seen in their life.

“Pa, is that anyway to treat our guests? I just made some fresh coffee and even gave them a couple of your cookies.”

“Ma, did you hear what I was a telling ya? Theses two here are bank robbers. I saw their pictures in the newspaper down at the barber shop yesterday. Get in there and dial the police. Don’t be arguing with me now.”

His wife listened and while she was  using the telephone, the visitors moved quickly. They drew a gun out on the old man. Visitor one said, “Old man put your hands behind your back and just sit down on that chair”.

The other visitor pulled out some rope from his coat and proceeded to tie Pa’s hands in knots. The other visitor was taking the extra rope and he was bent down tying feet. Ma came in and saw what was happening to her poor husband. She sneaked back out into the kitchen and got her best frying pan.

It was cast iron through and through. It had some grease still left in it from supper. As she picked it up two cockroaches scampered out of it and away. Ma didn’t waste any time walking back into the living room.

She tip-toed to the two guys and one by one she hit them in the back of the head. She threw the skillet down hitting the toes of her beloved. ” Oh Pa, are ya ok? I didn’t mean to hit you too. Can you move your toes for me. Wiggle them harder. Let me see your slippers move.”

Pa was breathing heavy and trying so hard not to cuss. He said.” Woman I don’t know what I am gonna do with you. I just can’t figure out why ya make some of the dumbest mistakes ever of any woman I know. Now help loosen these ropes.”

Together the two took the ropes off. The men on the floor were beginning to stir. Ma picked up her skillet and konked  them each one more time. “I called the police Pa. They’s on their way here. Do you think there is a reward for these two? Do you think we will be like our cousins Jethro and Granny and maybe move to Californy like they did?”

Pa was rubbing his achy feet. He stopped and looked at his wife. ” Now that you mention it I did read something about a reward being offered. I’ll watch these robbers and you go pack our suitcase. California here we come!”

I Can’t Believe I Did That !!!!!!!!!

I met Al this morning for his doctor appointment. It went pretty well except for Al’s typical show of being nervous. The biggest thing he kept telling the doctor is his legs hurt. The doctor gave him a script for swelling. Sure hope it works for him.

We parted with the driver taking him back to the facility. I promised to pick him up tomorrow at noon. Dairy Queen here we come!

I went to a car lot and browsed. There was to be this big deal going on with low payments, low down payments and free car washes for the life of my payments. Come to find out the deal was for three months. Well what about the other million months left? I didn’t even bother going further with any conversation. What a rip off!

Then I went and got something to eat and then proceeded to get fuel for the car. It was so nice and sunny out today I decided to visit the little shop that Al and I enjoy going to. I was going through and nothing caught my eye until the very end. It was a piece of furniture but way too expensive. I just hate it when people think they are doing antique furniture a favor by painting over nice old wood.

I would have had to strip all the crappy white off and for the price they wanted I let it pass me by. I was getting ready to walk out the door when my eyes saw something cheerful and bright. I walked over to a box some consigner had brought in. I picked it up and took it to the front desk see how much it was.

betty boopIsn’t she adorable?

I have been debating on sharing my most embarrassing moment of my life. Should I or shouldn’t I…..

Then I thought, hey it’s Friday. These are all my friends on here. We all need a good laugh right?

I sure gave the store a good laugh for sure so why not pass that around. O.K. here goes nothing. Try not to wet your pants over laughing too hard.

I was standing at the counter waiting for her to plug the cutie in and dust if off a bit, plus give me a price.

To the left of me and  about two steps behind me was this beautiful blue-eyed guy. He and I were just wasting conversation while I was waiting for the the light.

The lady came back and told me so now there are three of us standing there. I tell the lady I will take it and as I got the last word out I must have choked on my spit or something because I started coughing my fool head off. This force of stomach muscles and my own efforts of trying to quit coughing made me forget about anything else. This was definitely a domino effect. Choke, cough and fart.

Oh my gosh. I am going to die. I heard it myself and so I quickly looked at the lady and the cute guy to the side of me hoping they had not heard what I did, and praying dear Lord, please don’t let this one be a smelly one.

The guy is looking right at me and so is the lady. I whip out my money and pay for stuff and want to run to the farthest mountain when the lady says,”Honey don’t worry. Shit happens“. The guy says,”Yeah when I am home I let them rip all the time”.

I tried to smile but my face was frozen stiff from humiliation. I thanked  the lady and as I got to the front door the hunk yells out,”Have a nice day sweetheart”. Needless to say I got in my car as fast as my little feet would carry me and came straight home. I can’t believe I did that in front of people and in front of a hunk!

Hot Mama

Water tap

Getting up in the morning is a pain in the butt. Reach over and nearly  tip forward tripping over myself to pick up the darn old house robe that fell off the bed through the night. Standing up trying to put house robe on but have an itch I have to scratch first. Why is it the first thing in the morning a body has to  pass gas and scratch?

Looking at myself in the full length mirror is enough to make me want to lean over the ship as I fill light-headed from seeing the uneven wrinkles. As quickly as I can I put my covering on and leaning one hand on the bed and the other on the dresser I do the circus balancing act getting those darn old stretched out slippers on.

I waddle into the bathroom and my eyes bug out of my head as I flip the light on and see how my eye lids have drooped half way over the color of my eyes. I raise my house coat and sit down. I have to make sure I do this each and every morning as I learned the hard lesson once before.

I had gotten up from the pot and thought someone had pasted ice-cubes to my naked butt. I jumped without my feet leaving the ground and reached my arm behind me to see what in the world had a hold of me. You would not believe it! It was the end of my house coat. It had taken a dip in the water as I was doing my thing. I sharpened up real quick after this.

I got one of my better wash rags that only had three holes in it and I wet it with the coldest water I could. After my fingers turned bright red I knew the temperature was ready. I slapped it onto my face where it freeze-dried all my wrinkles and made my eye lids fly up like an old-fashioned window blind.

I left it there while I counted to sixty. One, two, five, ten, fifteen, 60. I toss it in the stool water by accident. I seriously meant to hit the target of the tub, but dang it, I missed. I reached down in there and pulled it out by my two fingers and whooshed it like a basket ball shot straight in the trash can. There wasn’t any way I was ever gonna use that rag on my face. Never going to wash my face with pee water.

I wet my tooth-brush and then dipped it in some alcohol. You know it’s the quickest way to get the body moving in the mornings. I tried pushing that darn blue stuff out of the tube, but I guess I haven’t got my groove on yet. I had to set it down on the bathroom sink and use my fingers on one hand while  holding the brush with my other. Oops, I think I surprised myself at the strength I still have at my age. Toothpaste came squirting out and went all over the mirror.

If you ask me I think I could sell this for quite a few dollars as it would be known as modern art. I took my finger and wiped some off the mirror and then rubbed it on to the bristles. Now down to business. Brush brush brush. Up and down in and out. Wow, I better be careful with what I am saying. Sounds kind of perverted to me.

Done with the brush I rinse it off and stick it back in the tiny hole it goes in and fill my glass half way with water. Rinse gargle, oh yuck, I just swallowed a bunch of water and I wasn’t ready. Gag, choke, eyes watering. Beating myself on the chest I get my choking under control.

I pull out my hair brush. Now you have to be real careful how you use this special brush. It belonged to my grandma and it is missing a few bristles. One time I was brushing my hair and sort of wiggling back and forth to the radio and didn’t realize that I was forming Edward Scissorhand marks on my forehead. Don’t ever say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. I am here to tell you that you can. Don’t push too hard, and don’t get too close to the hair-line.

Now I am all done in the bathroom. I tie my belt around my house coat a little tighter. You have to do this because there are a bunch of perverts creeping around our neighborhood all the time. They are just dying to get a chance to take a quick peek at us cougar women.

The sun is shining, and I can see the  boy mowing the neighbor’s yard. Everyone uses this kid for mowing. We  pay him a couple of bucks and he grins as he leaves with his money. I swear one time I saw him flip me off when he turned around to leave. Do you think I should maybe up his pay to three dollars?

I flip the television on and turn the sound up to the number eight out of ten. I turn it on to the local news so I can get a good look at that sexy weather man. I make my way out to the kitchen and start my percolator..

A few scratches to the head and a few more to the other spots and then I look out my window and sigh. I have made it another morning. I tinkled and wiped. I brushed my hair and my teeth. The coffee is perking. Now on to the breakfast meal.


My Husband Used To Ask Me This.

Give that woman a Special Award
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A man came home from work and found his 3 children outside, still in their pyjamas,
playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden.
The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog, walking in the door, he found even bigger mess.
A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall, In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.
He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.
As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor.

Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel…
She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, ‘What happened here today?’

She again smiled and answered,
‘You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?…
”Yes,” was his incredulous reply..
She answered, ‘Well, today I didn’t do it.’

Old Age

Because I can vision the light at the end of the tunnel, I had to post this from a funny that was sent to me. Thank you Shona!!

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a Care Home?”

“Well,”  he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the  bathtub.”


“Oh, I understand,” I  said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No” he said. “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”

What Is Couple Sex? , Had To Blog This, Difference Between Kids and Adults Minds

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working
in the yard and asked him, “Grampa, what is couple sex?”
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she’s old enough to know to ask the question, then she’s old enough to get an honest answer.
Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, “Why did you ask this question, honey?”
The little girl replied, “Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.”

If This Could Bring Laughter Out Of Me, Then It Should Make You Laugh Also!

I received this from a friend, and it gave me big laughs, and I wanted to share with you also!

Drafting Guys Over 60

This is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier… New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I’m too old to track down terrorists. You can’t be older than 42 to join the military. They’ve got the whole thing ass-backwards.

Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn’t be able to join a military unit until you’re at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. ‘My back hurts! I can’t sleep, I’m tired and hungry.’ We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile..

An 18-year-old doesn’t even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I’m tired and can’t sleep and since I’m already up, I may as well be up killing some
fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn’t spill the
beans because we’d forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We’re used to getting screamed and yelled at and we’re used to soft food. We’ve also developed an appreciation for guns. We’ve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however… I’ve been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too… I’ve never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He’s still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn’t figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep
our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm’s way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to
see is a couple million pissed off
old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50…in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They’ll have it secured the first night!

Gotta Love Getting Older

Awake is the New Sleep (2005)

Awake is the New Sleep (2005) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As I lay my head down to sleep

I pray that I do not wake

To pee, to drink or look around

I pray I will sleep oh so sound.

As I rise and lift my head

I pray I don’t fall down

I pray I make it to the pot

Not dripping all over what  I got.

As I sit down to eat my breakfast

I hope I don’t make a mess

I pray that each bite hits it mark

And that each piece don’t taste like bark.

I hope that as I putter around

Inside my house today

That I don’t have to bend over at all

And cause my big fat butt to fall.

I ask that my mind stays with me

While we dine tonight together

And that my teeth don’t lose their grip

And end up floating in my coffee to sip.

I thank you God for this beautiful day

That you have given to me to use

I pray that when I rise once more

That I won’t fall into the doors.



What Would You Do?

She sat on the edge of her chair. Biting her nails. Eyebrows wrinkled together. Hearing nothing in the background at all. Nerves of steel. Sipping her coffee, waiting. Waiting for a move. Something to happen. To move forward. Feet tapping on the floor, Nerves on edge. She tried finding comfort in other people’s words, and it helped a little. She just couldn’t bring herself to leave the situation. She was scared. Scared if she left, turned away from it, she would never know the ending. She would never know whether it would ever work again. She couldn’t turn to her family to confide in. They would never understand. She knew that they would just think she was being silly and tell her to give it up. She decided to write to the administration. This would surely help  in her crisis. She sent the letter after  carefully choosing each word, making sure that they understood how important this matter was to her. That it could ruin her life if they didn’t help her. She waited hour and day after day, checking her mail, but nothing. The stress was becoming more evident. On the fifth day she received a reply. A letter that would have been sent to any other. She had hope once again. She had tried everything she could do,but nothing worked. She now knew she had only two choices. She could walk away, or she could just use her resources and carry on the best she knew how. She decided to stay. Facebook Games……..